The 2019 Table :: Magic Numbers, Tragic Numbers & Other Doubtful Digits

Discussion in 'MLS: News & Analysis' started by Knave, Aug 9, 2019.

  1. Knave

    Knave Member+

    May 25, 1999
    If you immediately know the toaster is hot, the team
    was toasted a long time ago.
    (The Riddle of Toast)​

    -- -- --

    Alright, fine! You filthy, screeching brats ...

    The Toast Thread is back for another season of crap analysis, shoddy calculations, moronic prejudices, childish superstitions, musty inside jokes, and its ever growing pile of shameless toast puns.

    So there you go. You jerks got what you wanted. But do I get what I want? Nope. MLS passes over SRFC and for what?! For Cincinnati, a city Dr. Johnny Fever once rightly described as "rock bottom." Well, MLS, if your standards are gonna drop that low, then maybe I don't even want Sacramento to be in your stinking league any longer. Except, I really do. And I also want Matador back on TV.

    It's all been downhill since Matador was cancelled. Trump was elected. SRFC got passed over ... more than once. NYC, ORL, MIN, and CIN all joined the league. The USMNT missed the World Cup. LAG and SEA both won MLS Cups.

    Of course, the NASL also died. So I guess it hasn't been all bad news since Matador went off the air.

    -- -- --

    Things that nobody reads.
    Links that nobody clicks.

    If any of you read this stuff, you wouldn't ask such stupid questions later. But you don't and you will. If you recognize what's written here, first, that's weird because nobody reads this stuff, and, second, that's because, year after year, I pretty much entirely copy and paste it from previous iterations of this thread.
    • Background on the Calculated and Actual Despair Numbers: 2010 incarnation, 2011 explanation, 2012 revision.
    • Toast: The taxonomy of toast (which runs from untoasted bread to burnt toast) is rigorously scientific, and certainly not some back-of-an-envelope calculation based upon an anecdotal sense of the probable, improbable, and highly improbable. Nor is it purposefully designed to infuriate Crewligans and Orlandorks. That is, however, an accidental, but welcome, attribute. As per the 2015 thread, once toasted, a team may be Lazarused, becoming Lazarakia, which is to say untoasted, only once back in playoff position by PPG. For yet another year, the secret word remains fercockt. Nobody seemed to notice the secret word last year or the year before that. I told you nobody reads this stuff. This does not shock me, but it does disappoint me. Have I mentioned that you're all terrible people? In the grand history of toast, no team once toasted has made the playoffs, though one or two have been temporarily Lazarused. Determinations about toast are made at the end of the playing week as establish by this thread's schedule of games.
    • The Way of Toast: The Toast Jesus thread on the religion board exists to discuss the religion of Toasterology, the philosophy of Toasterism, as well as all other matters ethical, epistemological, and metaphysical. Toast technique is, however, off topic.
    Also, we are free to make up new rules as we go along, and from time to time when weird shit happens we do just that. That's how we roll on the toast thread. Deal with it. And if you can't deal with it, then kindly go toast yourself!

    -- -- --

    The 2019 Toast Festival is brought to you by Mercy Health, the official healthcare provider for expansion dysfunction syndrome.

    -- -- --

    For the sin of bumping the 2018 Toast Thread with the intention of pressuring me to begin the 2019 Toast Thread, this year's enemies list is as follows: @AndyMead, @BalanceUT, @Baysider, @Beerking, @bgix, @Bluecat82, @cleazer, @El-ahrairah, @ElNaranja, @EvanJ, @FoxBoro 143, @Green and BLue, @GunnerJacket, @JasonMa, @jaykoz3, @lurak, @nlsanand, @odave, @POdinCowtown, @pr0ner, @PTFC in KCMO, @rslfanboy, @SiberianThunderT, @SierraSpartan, @sitruc, @SoccerMan94043, @TheJoeGreene, and @ThreeApples. Also, your pressure did not work.

    No doubt additional enemies will be acquired throughout the remainder of this season. Indeed, more than likely all of you will be enemies of this thread before the season is complete. But especially those defects to decency who support LAG and SEA.

    Please remember that all imperfections in this thread, no matter whether technical, factual or grammatical, are the fault of these enemies. If errors are discovered, please curse this thread's enemies, and then kindly notify me of the errors so I might correct them.

    -- -- --

    Golly, gee whiz! Look at the pretty tables!

    1Conferences.png 2Combined.png 3Misc.png 4TablesKey.png 5Schedule.png
    -- -- --

    Notes

    In last year's opening post, I said that the more we expand, the harder it will be for bottom of the table teams to survive beyond August, and maybe even July. Especially with the schedule shifting earlier, July is now the month when bottom of the table playoff hopes die. We are opening this thread with five toasted teams, and only one of them is newly popped from the toaster.

    Let's begin with the EC. Unlike last year, we have a pretty even PPG gradient throughout the EC table. Except CIN at the bottom, no team is really on an island. NYC, PHI, ATL, NYR, and perhaps even DCU are sitting comfortably, needing only 1.00 PPG or less to squeeze into the playoffs. NER, TFC, and MTL are fighting it out in the middle of the table for the final spot. ORL will need to fight just to get back into fighting shape. As for CIN, they are long gone and well on the way to becoming burnt toast. CLB was the first EC team toasted. I do not weep for the Crewligans. CHI only recently joined the toasty ranks.

    As for the WC, LAX is on an island by itself atop the table. I think they could lose every single remaining game and still possibly make the playoffs. A winning percentage of nearly 80% will do that. Not bad for a team that is and will always be CHV's ghost. SEA, MIN, SJE, and LAG have virtually no separation between them, and are all on a glide path to a playoff berth. RSL, POR, and FCD are the mid-table teams vying for the last spot. HOU and SKC are in limbo between contention and toast. Which brings us to VAN and COL. VAN was the first team toasted this year. And COL followed soon after.

    -- -- --

    Quick Hits

    LAX has been eliminated from WS contention.

    Leaving all competition in the dust, LAX is averaging 2.80 PPG at home and 1.85 PPG away.

    CIN has been eliminated from SS contention.

    Leaving all competition in the dust, CIN is averaging 0.91 PPG at home and 0.50 PPG away.

    With a schedule of 11 home games and 1 away game remaining, POR have, by far, the easiest remaining schedule in the league.

    The league is averaging pretty much exactly 3 goals per game. This is a bit lower than last year.

    -- -- --

    Housekeeping

    Same as always: Full updates once a week. Mini-updates as warranted. Some updates (like this one) half-assed. Others (like the next one) full-assed.
     
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  2. KCbus

    KCbus Moderator
    Staff Member

    United States
    Nov 26, 2000
    Reynoldsburg, OH
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    It's about time, you lazy schmuck.
     
  3. ThreeApples

    ThreeApples Member+

    Jul 28, 1999
    Smurf Village
    Club:
    San Jose Earthquakes
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    7 teams per conference in the playoffs now. I think your calculations handle that correctly, but the tables have their lines at 6.
     
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  4. KCbus

    KCbus Moderator
    Staff Member

    United States
    Nov 26, 2000
    Reynoldsburg, OH
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Infraction to come.
     
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  5. ElNaranja

    ElNaranja Member

    Houston Dynamo
    United States
    Jul 16, 2017
    This is entirely @AndyMead fault.
     
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  6. Knave

    Knave Member+

    May 25, 1999
    Fixed below ...

    1Conferences.png

    There's always something. There are two portions of my toast spreadsheet. One is a true worksheet, and the other has everything formatted for posting here. I've had this correct on the worksheet for months, but I never noticed it wasn't updated on the posting format until it was pointed out just now.
     
  7. Beerking

    Beerking Member+

    Nov 14, 2000
    Humboldt County
    I made somebody's enemy list? But I'm beloved by all who don't know me. :D
     
  8. TheJoeGreene

    TheJoeGreene Member+

    Aug 19, 2012
    The Lubbock Texas
    Club:
    DC United
    That's way too much reading. CliffsNotes please.
     
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  9. ElNaranja

    ElNaranja Member

    Houston Dynamo
    United States
    Jul 16, 2017
    The darker the color, the closer to breakfast. The closer to 3 the AD gets, the darker the toast.
     
    TheJoeGreene and BalanceUT repped this.
  10. JasonMa

    JasonMa Member+

    Mar 20, 2000
    Arvada, CO
    Club:
    Colorado Rapids
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Time out, I didn't bump the 2018 thread to pressure you to start the 2019 thread. I just commented after it was bumped. (I have been guilty of that in the past though)

    (And how did Colorado make it all the way to July without being toast)
     
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  11. TrueCrew

    TrueCrew Member+

    Dec 22, 2003
    Columbus, OH
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    The Crew:

    Toast to POs in 1996 (OK, no Toast thread then, but IF THERE HAD BEEN, we'd have been toasted, I think, winning 9/10 to make the POs, 8 in regulation).

    I would love to do it this year, but that looks like a heavy lift. Though beating Cincy twice plus TFC & Chicago at home before the end of the month could induce enough Crew fans to post in the thread, which would annoy Knave.

    Alas, that my petty tormenting of Knave has sunk to such a level. As I fear he will be joyful after Sacramento get in.
     
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  12. Knave

    Knave Member+

    May 25, 1999
    No timeouts in soccer!

    All that matters is that I'm sure you're guilty of something.

    Silly Crewligan thinks people care about the Crew.
     
    jaykoz3, sitruc, JasonMa and 1 other person repped this.
  13. BalanceUT

    BalanceUT RSL and THFC!

    Oct 8, 2006
    Appalachia
    Club:
    Real Salt Lake
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    It is hard to describe how happy this makes me. I want to run upstairs and tell my ailing wife of my good fortune and honor. I want to stand on the roof of my house and shout it to the neighborhood over the din of the nearby freeway!

    Alas, just as @Knave doesn't care, neither does any of my neighbors, nor does my family. I am alone in this universe, excepting the 27 fellow honorees noted above...

    So, in honor or the 2019 Toast thread, I bring you our anthem:

     
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  14. PTFC in KCMO

    PTFC in KCMO Member+

    Aug 12, 2012
    Club:
    Portland Timbers
    Appreciate the shoutout.


    And SKC is in a better position than i thought.
     
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  15. BalanceUT

    BalanceUT RSL and THFC!

    Oct 8, 2006
    Appalachia
    Club:
    Real Salt Lake
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    New to the Toast thread this year, we have educational videos on how toast is made. Here is the first in a series of... wait, let me look at my notes... yes, oh.. two. OK, this is the first in a series of 2 videos.

    Watch as our presenter describes the toaster as the "silliest of household appliances" for placing "sliced carbohydrate media to be partially burned for your enjoyment" and other witty and educational descriptions of the operations of this 'not quite as simple as you think' appliance.

     
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  16. JasonMa

    JasonMa Member+

    Mar 20, 2000
    Arvada, CO
    Club:
    Colorado Rapids
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    [​IMG]
     
  17. JayRockers!

    JayRockers! Member+

    Aug 4, 2001
    #TooSoon

    Thx,

    Jay!
     
  18. GunnerJacket

    GunnerJacket Moderator
    Staff Member

    Sep 18, 2003
    Gainesville, GA
    Club:
    Arsenal FC
    In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Chef Lalas' famous motto, "Anyone can toast". But I realize - only now do I truly understand what he meant: Not everyone can become a great toaster, but a great toaster can come from anywhere.

    It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now toasting at Big Soccer. Who is, in this nitwit's opinion, nothing less than the finest chef in futbol! I will be returning to Big Soccer soon, hungry for more
     
  19. Gamecock14

    Gamecock14 Member+

    May 27, 2010
    Club:
    Chicago Fire
    Chicago, Columbus, and Vancouver are just really bad.
     
  20. Knave

    Knave Member+

    May 25, 1999
    Where's the 2020 Toast Thread?
     
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  21. Knave

    Knave Member+

    May 25, 1999
    Shorter version: I'll tell you when your damn team is toast.
     
  22. rslfanboy

    rslfanboy Member+

    Jul 24, 2007
    Section 26
    First Page!
     
    Namrog The Just and GunnerJacket repped this.
  23. rslfanboy

    rslfanboy Member+

    Jul 24, 2007
    Section 26
    How did Vancouver beat Colorado to the punch?
     
    JasonMa repped this.
  24. tsb11

    tsb11 Member

    United States
    May 31, 2018
    Welcome back Knave. I've missed toast, but when you love something is it ever really gone?
     
  25. sitruc

    sitruc Member+

    Jul 25, 2006
    Virginia
    I've never really cared for this thread.
     
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