You Know You're in a Blue State When...

....No one understands why it's absolutely fantastic to watch cars make left turns for 4 hours.

....an afternoon spent downtown doesn't sound like an afternoon at the Tower of Babel.

....You don't own a gun because your enlightened state government makes it damn near impossible.

....People automatically think that if you honor the Confederate Battle Flag even though you don't fly it yourself makes you some kind of racist.

....You actually take great pride in your state.

....You can play golf 12 months out of the year.

....Your neighbors are actually friendly and try and help out, if needed.

....You don't worry that much about burglars because, hey, gun rack.

 

Not around here. In the South, tea is iced tea. Hot tea is hot tea.

 

You know you're in a red state when you don't even know what it means to say "You know you're in a blue state when..."

 

As much as I would like to jump in and crackback at Blue State denizens, we deserve all the ********ing abuse you guys can heap on us.

 

- You don't get in your car to go half a block down the street to pick up your dry cleaning

- You don't need a designated driver

- You know that it's rude to spread out across the sidewalk or block the sidewalk when you're with a large group

- Stupid little ******** doesn't scare or shock you

- Your local ABC affiliate doesn't feel the need to be your nanny and pull programs they deem unsuitable at the 12:05 am timeslot

- When you get take-out Chinese, #45 tastes different from #23

- You can read a book during your commute

- You can read

- You can go to craigslist and find pretty much anything, including furniture, roommates, that cute girl you saw on the F-train on the way to work, and a Republican looking for a New Yorker to hate f***

- You don't know anyone who's been on Springer, Judge Judy and the like

- Your first reaction is not "Honey, get me my shotgun"

- "Yankees" are despicable because you are a Mets/Red Sox fan, not because of their place of origin

And lastly,
- Your community does not feel the need to construct a "World's Biggest ____ (insert farm product)" to get people to get off the interstate at your exit.

 

Ooops. Looks like I am guilty of "Forgetting the question yet still plowing ahead with an answer".

 

. . . in Blue States, when we claim we're going to update our Top 1000 movie lists, we mean it.

 

Covered.

 

people don't think reality is found in their rectum.

 

You're not ashamed of your college degree when they lose a football game.

 

Basically every hick stereotype you can imagine, but as Gringo stated, they f-ing deserve it.

 

you know, I have a friend in Fort Lauderdale. Each time I visit and we see something that wouldn't happen in say, Alabama, we look at each other and say, "Blue America." So the first few are from that collection.

......... when a six-year old's birthday party consists of renting a limo to take friends to see The Cat in the Hat.

.......... when it's 10 o'clock on a school night, you're in a Houston's and there's a kid sitting cross-legged and chatting on his phone like he's talking to his broker.

...........when people have an embarrassing personal conversation while pushing a cart around the supermarket.

............ when rice and a thimble-ful of uncooked fish cost $40.

............ when any meal costs $40.

............ when the restaurant where you're spending $40 on a meal has a picture of Yanni on the wall.


............ when the people around you love Billy Joel AND Mariah Carey.

...........when your writers get up from their boring-a** Lorrie Moore ripoff and secretly fantasize about having sex with Flannery O'Connor or William Faulkner.

 

Nah, skip was right. Red staters fear intelligence.

 

Nah. Just liberal arts majors.

I think you've got us mistaken for the black community. At least according to Chris Rock.

 

This is my absolute favorite of these so far.

I'd love to know what "Blue America" town you were in where these two things occurred. I'm guessing that it is within spitting distance of Nassau Coliseum, which ain't blue country. Upper West Siders aren't the ones buying TKTS tickets to see Movin' Out: The Musical.

 

I'll hit this point by point:

My cleaners is at least a mile from the house.

I no longer drink, so I don't, either.

I can't remember the last time I was on a sidewalk, let alone in a large group.

-

Nope, it doesn't, mostly because I pride myself on never being outgunned.

WFAA only pulls network programs for important things. Like Dallas Cowboys legends spectaculars.

I never go past #18, so I can't argue with this.

But if I did that then I'd trip down the stairs from the bedroom to my office.

Not only can I read, I can read what's posted on 95% of BigSoccer (There are still a few posters who confuse the hell out of me)

I am not familiar with what you speak of.

I actually don't, but I did see a guy on "Cops" who looked vaguely familiar.

WRONG! It's "Honey, get my .38"

As if you have a wonderful opinion of "Rebels", including the ones that play for Ole Miss.

Nah, we just put up a sign that says "See the 6th Floor Museum".

 

Evolution vs Creation is a chapter on 19th century thought, not tonight's agenda at the local school board.

 

You know you're in a blue state when you know who Lorrie Moore is.

You know you're in a blue state when you've actually read and understood Flannery O'Connor and William Faulkner.

 

- When you're in an industry party and Chloe Sevigny is sitting 2 booths down from you, and you act like you don't care.

- You know who Chloe Sevigny is

- And you care

 

Of all the names to choose for "blue stateness", his was not at the top of my list...............

 

.....mullet is a fish, not a hairstyle

 

Which is precisely the problem with you red staters. You come in these huge groups (or maybe they look large because you are large) and clog up the sidewalk. They should have a quick lesson at the airport on how not to be an incosiderate jackass, and how to get from 42nd St to 38th St.

Liar! I know you can't read this post.

Removing my tongue from my cheek for a second, I went to high school and undergrad in North Carolina and I have fond memories of the people and the land (though even in NC, there was a clear blue/red divide). I still like my tea sweet and barbecue is something you eat, not something you do.

Why, some of my best friends are Republican.

 

You're goddamn rolling this morning, aren't you?

On a related note:

-- You've seen a Vincent Gallo film

-- You've been accosted by Vincent Gallo on the street

-- You don't flinch while someone passes you on the sidewalk, slapping himself as hard as he possibly can over and over

-- Your state has multiple Mini dealerships

-- You've spent valuable time at the Genius Bar in an Apple Store

-- You have a sizable collection of plastic / paper bags from Whole Foods Market that you don't know what to do with, but don't want to just throw out (helpful hint: the store will take them back)

-- You give even a tiny rat's ass about college hockey (does not apply to North Dakota)

-- You were personally offended when the Tampa Bay Lightning held up the Stanley Cup in June

-- You've never been to "deer camp", and you don't know anyone else who's been, either

-- Ferry / jitney is a viable transportation option for you, ever

-- There's only one sorry protestor outside of your local Planned Parenthood office, every damn day, holding the same sorry tattered sign of a dead fetus they've used since 1978

-- Your church has a rainbow flag outside of it

 

What??

I lived in the "Blue Elbow" (Richmond County) of NC for 5 years. I still don't like sugar in my tea, but I did grow to appreciate the finer points of NASCAR while I was there.

It's actually quite funny: I always thought, based on where I happened to live, that NC leaned Democratically. Now that I've seen the county by county map I know I was living in the Democratic Oasis of the state.


PS - That ain't BBQ that they serve in NC. That is vile, vinegar covered pork. If God had intended us to BBQ pigs he wouldn't have made cows.

 

When "classical music" doesn't refer to Willie Nelson's younger days.

You speak more than one language and they aren't "poor English" and "drunk English."

Green Acres is just a TV show, not a model for how to raise your children.

The theme song from Deliverance doesn’t bring back fond memories.

You don't have a twang or a drawl, you have an accent.

Tractor pulls are not appropriate for first dates.

“I tell you what” is not a complete sentence or thought.

General Lee isn’t considered the greatest General and automobile ever.

Your last name, not your first name has a hyphen in it.

Waffle houses are harder to come by.

Flannel isn’t appropriate for formal events.

The local lawyer didn't gain his legal knowledge from watching Matlock.