OT:jokes from my inbox...

Discussion in 'Chelsea Off Topic Threads' started by srd...., Dec 13, 2005.

  1. yasik19

    yasik19 Moderator
    Staff Member

    Oct 21, 2004
    Daly City
  2. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
  3. yasik19

    yasik19 Moderator
    Staff Member

    Oct 21, 2004
    Daly City
    Chelsea lion.
  4. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
    9 things i hate about everyone

    1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

    2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

    3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

    4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

    5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid €12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

    6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

    7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

    8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

    9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
  5. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
    trippy man!!!
  6. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
    Farmer Joke.

    A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
    pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
    wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
    when the sheep are pregnant.

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
    lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
    that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep
    himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out
    into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are
    all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take,
    and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
    measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

    Try again he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them
    out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning
    home, falls listlessly into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
    of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are
    lying in the grass.

    "No", she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
    beeping the horn"
  7. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
    Blind pilots

    Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aircraft aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses. one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin. but the men enter the cockpit. The door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke, but none is forthcoming.

    The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the end of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment. the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

    In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know. John, one of these days they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die"
  8. yasik19

    yasik19 Moderator
    Staff Member

    Oct 21, 2004
    Daly City
    ha ha ha:D
  9. Dave_M

    Dave_M New Member

    May 25, 2004
    He's not the messiah, hes a very naughty boy
  10. Bluto11

    Bluto11 The sky is falling!

    May 16, 2003
    Chicago, IL
    This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

    The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

    It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

    However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, rebadged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
  11. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
    English for the English abroad

    In a Tokyo Hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Leipzig elevator:
    Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

    In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
    To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

    In a Paris hotel elevator:
    Please leave your values at the front desk.

    In a hotel in Athens:
    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

    In a Yugoslavian hotel:
    The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

    In a Japanese hotel:
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

    On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

    In a Bangkok dry cleaners:
    Drop your trousers here for best results.

    Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking.

    In a Rhodes tailor shop:
    Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

    A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
    It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

    In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

    In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
    Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

    In a Rome laundry:
    Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

    In a Swiss mountain inn:
    Special today - no ice cream.

    In a Bangkok temple:
    It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions.

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

    In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

    In a Budapest zoo:
    Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

    In the office of a Roman doctor:
    Specialist in women and other diseases.

    In an Acapulco hotel:
    The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

    In a Tokyo shop:
    Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

    From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
    When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    English well talking. - Here speeching American
  12. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
    Talking Dog For Sale

    A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:
    "Talking Dog For Sale."

    He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

    "You talk?" he asks.

    "Yes," the Lab replies.

    "So, what's the story?"

    The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    "Ten euros," the man says.

    "Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

    "Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite"
  13. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
    talking clock

    Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

    "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

    "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "YOU F*CK ING AS*HOLE....IT'S TEN PAST THREE IN THE MORNING!"
  14. mother_goose

    mother_goose Member

    Dec 30, 2003
    Chelsea FC
    Sorry... couldn't resist. Scouser reference and all that :D

    Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that,
    despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
    Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show,
    Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer.
    Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun." So they went
    back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and
    had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If
    you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can
    have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left
    hand and ma wullie in your right hand." Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay."

    He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex
    than before. Then Sean says "Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let
    me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have
    to.......I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again.

    No problem hun."

    Cilla complies with the routine. Again, the results are absolutely
    mind blowing. Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a
    cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, this 'oldin yer balls in one
    hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

    Sean replie "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a
    scouser, she stole ma wallet !"
  15. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
    love it M.G. :D
  16. cooldude

    cooldude New Member

    Feb 12, 2007

    From the rivalries thread...
    Arsene Wenger,Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourhino all go to Heaven the same day

    Sir Alex tells The Lord he is the most successful manager in England and describes all the trophies he has won in 20 years at the helm..........The Lord allows Sir Alex to sit at his right hand

    Arsene Wenger explains to God that he is the most successful manager in Arsenal's glorious history and God says ......""Arsene, you may sit at my left hand""

    Jose Mourhino approaches The Lord Almighty and yells.........."""Hey Senor !! get outta ma seat """
  17. cooldude

    cooldude New Member

    Feb 12, 2007
    An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer. He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

    He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

    As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "You can't do that here sir!"

    "I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO!, and I just can't find a public toilet."

    "Ah," said the bobby, "just follow me!" He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

    "In there," points the bobby, "Whizz away sir, anywhere you want."

    The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

    As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British Hospitality?'"

    "No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy".
  18. cooldude

    cooldude New Member

    Feb 12, 2007
    Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

    Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden.....POOF !

    In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
    She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

    Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter
    for your toast for the rest of your life.......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!!! Then POOF!......she was gone !

    After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?" Fred yells back "I'm over here in the p_ussywillows."

    Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING !"
  19. cooldude

    cooldude New Member

    Feb 12, 2007
    Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

    The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

    The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

    The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

    Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

    "Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

    "Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
  20. cooldude

    cooldude New Member

    Feb 12, 2007
    Three football fans are trying to get into Heaven at the entrance to St Peter's pearly gates

    The first is a ManYoo fan who claims his team are the best in the world and were the 1st English club to win the European Cup .....St Peter goes and advises God and The Almighty One lets the United fan in

    The next is a Real Madrid fan who advises St Peter his team were actually the 1st winners of the European Champions trophy (or EC as it was back then) and after a consulation with God the Madrid fan is allowed into Heaven

    The third is a Scouser who follows Liverpool and he tells St Peter about his teams' 5 EC titles and the days of Paisley,Rush,Barnes,Dalgleish,Hansen,Lawrenson,Keegan etc ........St Peter tells him to hang on a minute while he goes to chat with God........God says ""Of course he can come in,everyone in the world has heard of Liverpool FC""..........

    When St Peter goes back ...the pearly gates have gone.:D
  21. cooldude

    cooldude New Member

    Feb 12, 2007
    One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

    "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

    So he tied her up and went golfing.
  22. cooldude

    cooldude New Member

    Feb 12, 2007
    A man with a chronic stutter was romancing his fiancee on her parents' porch on a warm summer night

    The man couldn't help notice the family dog lying around on the lawn and the mut was busy scratching it's back

    The man tries his best to speak ....."""Whh Whh Whh WHEN We....We. We.... WE ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhh aahhhhhhhhhhh ARE mur mur mur.......MARRIED ,der der DEAR........oi ...oi....oi..... I AM .ger......ger ger ger GONNA le..le.le.. LET YOU .....(he takes another breath) der..... der ...der der DO thar...thar THAT ter ...ter... ter.......TO mmm! mmm! ME"""

    By the time his fiancee looked around the dog was licking it's @rse-hole
  23. cooldude

    cooldude New Member

    Feb 12, 2007
    A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks.

    "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

    He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

    The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

    "You b*strd!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"
  24. cooldude

    cooldude New Member

    Feb 12, 2007
    A little boy walks into his parents room and sees his mom bouncing up and down on top of his dad.

    Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worrying about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

    The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Daddy doing?"

    The mother replies "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

    "You're wasting your time." says the boy.

    "Why is that?" asks his Mom, puzzled.

    "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

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