NUFC in the news (general thread)

Don't really know where else to put this, as it's not exactly tied to the manager thread even though it's Souness saying it, but he had some very strong points to air on Sky Sports today.

 

Guess where?

 

DISCLAIMER: The following is entirely fictitious until the point where it becomes clairvoyance.


I'll save everyone the trouble and publish all the pertinent news between now and the end of the season.

Feb. 4 - Obafemi Martins celebrates a new four-year, 26-million-pound contract with Newcastle United by opening the scoring in Nigeria's African Cup of Nations quarterfinal with Ghana. He then does his patented roundoff-backflip celebration, but shorts the landing and blows out his right ankle, causing him to miss the rest of the season.

Feb. 22 - In the pre-match interview, Kevin Keegan -- whose Newcastle club have have secured just two draws and one goal in his five matches in charge -- boldly proclaims that he would "love it" if they beat Manchester United the following day at St. James' Park both to right the wrong that was 1995-96 as well as overturn the 6-0 thrashing just before his re-appointment. Rooney and Ronaldo both pull adductor muscles from laughing so hard at this and are unable to play, but Carlos Tevez is and scores in the 88th minute to give United a 1-0 win.

Mar. 17-Apr. 5 - Newcastle hump Tottenham in traditional 3-1 fashion to create a sense of hope on Tyneside that the worst is finally over. Of course, everyone conveniently forgets that the club just got done taking two points out of nine against Fulham, Birmingham and Reading and that Newcastle have slipped all the way to 16th in the table with just Sunderland as buffer between the Magpies and the drop zone. During this stretch, Steve Harper gets a run-out and tears his groin, causing him to miss the rest of the season.

Apr. 19 - Keegan, needing a change, drops Shay Given in favor of young Fraser Forster for the Tyne-Wear derby match. Given blows a gasket, and Forster has a very late howler that allows Michael Chopra to score in the 90th to give the hated ones a 2-1 win at SJP. Keegan subsequently resigns but at least makes it out of the toilet this time. Instead he hides himself in the locker of Joey Barton, who was arrested the night before for starting a fight in an empty pub Dennis Wise style, to make the announcement. Keegan is replaced by the aforementioned Dennis Wise.

May 3 - Wise and Co. lose so badly to Wise's former club Chelsea that it appears the club are in a Harchester-United-esque run of form to try and get relegated. Ironically, a Titus Bramble own-goal in Wigan's penultimate game against Aston Villa ensures Newcastle's safety and consigns the Latics to joining Derby and Fulham in the Championship next season. Wise resigns after just three matches in charge, and Alan Shearer is called in to save the day.

May 11 - Everton beat Newcastle 6-1 in the season finale, capping a miserable and melodramatic season on Tyneside with another embarrassing loss. Nicky Butt scores two own-goals and the only goal for Newcastle comes when Phil Neville, thinking that they were playing -Manchester- United, puts through his own net. Shearer, however, takes the opportunity to taunt Roy Keane by saying that at least the Magpies didn't concede seven.

And the cycle begins anew.

 

Or not.

Just what we need now is Owen looking at England rather than trying to help us out of the mess we're in.

 

Former NUFC assistant John Carver has taken over the Toronto FC hotseat.

Former NUFC backup keeper Tony Caig has transferred from Gretna to my #2 football club.

 

In the "you'd be blind not to see this coming" department, Ghana beat Nigeria 2-1 today. Which means instead of having four underachieving strikers available for selection, we'll soon have five underachieving strikers available for selection.
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With Pearson quitting, KK will need all the help he can get. We're ********ed tactically unless he gets someone good in to replace Nigel.