Let me tell ya a Little Story....

She was reluctant at first, not understanding why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex, so I had to employ my persuasive powers:


Jaime “But…I’ve never done it.”
Me “I’ve never done it either; it can be our thing.”


Jaime “But…I don’t know if I’ll like it.”
Me “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.”


Jaime “But…I like normal sex.”
Me “Everyone’s doing anal”

Jaime “But…I don’t know…it seems weird.”
Me “It’s the preferred method in Europe. Don’t you love Europe?”


After a few weeks of this, she finally consented. Though she agreed to let me put my penis in her small hole, she extracted a promise in return:


“OK, we can try anal sex, but I want it to be special and romantic. It has to be a weekend night, NOT a Monday.”


I made reservations for the next Friday.


I got us a corner booth. She was quite impressed. I ordered like it was the Last Supper. No expense was spared. Two $110 bottles of merlot, veal rack, stone crabs, the Tantra Love platter--it was lavish and decadent. I was 21, stupid, and wanted to #*@% Jaime in the butt; I wasn’t about to let a $400 tab get in my way.

By the time we left, this girl had doe eyes that made Bambi look like a heroin-chic CK model. She could not have been more in love with me. The entire drive back to my place she was rubbing my crotch, telling me how badly she wanted to me to #*@% her, how hot I made her, etc, etc. We get back to my place and our clothes are off before we even get in the door. We collapse on the bed and start #*@%ing. Normal vaginal sex at first, just like always.


Now, what she did not know, and what I have not told you yet, was that I had a surprise waiting for her.


[Aside: Before I tell you what the surprise was, let me make this clear: As I stand right now, 29 as of this writing, I am a bad person. At 21, I was possibly the worst person in existence. I had no regard for the feelings of others, I was narcissistic and self-absorbed to the point of psychotic delusion, and I saw other people only as a means to my happiness and not as humans worthy of respect and consideration. I have no excuse for what I did; it was wrong and I regret it. Even though I normally revel in my outlandish behavior, sometimes even I cross the line, and this is one of those situations….but of course, I’m still going to write about it.]


This was going to be my first time foraging in the ass forest, and I wanted to have a reminder of my trip, a memento I could carry with me the rest of my life…so I decided to film us.


I planned this beforehand, but I was afraid she would decline, so instead of being mature and discussing this with Jaime, I just made the executive decision to get it on camera…without telling her.


That alone is pretty bad. But instead of just setting up a hidden camera…I got my friend to hide in my closet and film it.


No really--I know that I will burn in hell. At this point, I’m just hoping that my life can serve as a warning to others.


I left my door unlocked and we arranged it so that around midnight my friend would go over to my place and wait until my car pulled in, and then run into the closet and get the camera ready. The top half of the closet door was a French shutter, so it was easy to move the slats and give him a decent camera shot through the closed door.


By the time Jaime and I got to the bed, I was so drunk I had forgotten that he was filming this, and of course she had no idea he was there. After a few minutes of standard sex, she kinda stopped and said, all serious and in her best seductive soap opera voice, “I’m ready.”


I quickly flipped her over and grabbed the brand new bottle of AstroGlide I had on my bedside table.


A week prior, after Jaime consented to buttsex, I realized that I didn’t have any idea how to do it. How exactly do you #*@% a girl in the ass? Luckily, I had the world’s best anal sex informational resource at my disposal: The gay waiter. I consulted several gay waiters who worked at one of my parents restaurants about the mechanics of buttsex, and each one recommended AstroGlide as the lubricant of choice. Much to my dismay, I learned that spitting on your dick is not enough lube for buttsex. Stupid, lying porn movies.


The other important piece of advice I remembered was from Calvin, “Make sure you use enough, because if this is her first time, she’ll be especially tight, and it might hurt her. Use enough to really loosen her up and go slow until she gets used to it. Then it’s smooth sailing from there.”


Well, since some is good, more is better, right? At 21, this seemed logical.


I opened the cap, crammed the bottle top into her **************, and squeezed. I probably emptied half of the 4-ounces of AstroGlide into her. I have since learned from homosexuals that a 4-ounce bottle usually lasts them about 6 months. So yeah--I overdid it.


But Tucker Max wasn’t done. Oh no, after depositing enough grease in her to run a Formula One racecar, I dumped half of what remained onto my ******** and balls, really wanting to lube up because I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.


Really--consider my thought process: I was going to #*@% her in the butt and film it without her consent, yet I was truly concerned about her personal comfort. Sometimes the contradictions in my personality even amuse me.


Predictably, I slid in with ease. She was a little tense at first, but with an Exxon Valdez size load spilled into her poop chute, she quickly loosened up and got into it. I liked it also; it had a different feel to it. Not as good as vaginal sex, a little grainy, kinda tight, but still very nice.


Before I knew it I was #*@%ing her like the apocalypse was imminent, burying it to the hilt with impunity. After a few minutes I was ready to come. My urgency was expressed in my tempo, and I began really jackhammering her. As the excitement got the best of me, I pulled out too far and my dick came out of her ass. I kinda scrambled to grab my dick and put it back in so I could finish off inside of her, but before I could even get a hold of it and put it back in her ass, I heard a faint “psssst” sound and felt something wet and warm hit my crotch.


It was dark in the room (I was not smart or sober enough to leave the lights on for the camera), so after I looked down it took me a few seconds to realize that my dick, balls and groin area were covered in a viscous black liquid. I stopped moving and stared at my strangely colored crotch for a good 5 seconds, completely confused, until I realized what happened:


“Did you…did you just…******** on my dick?”


I reached down to touch the liquid feces, still in complete and utter disbelief that this girl shot explosive diarrhea on my penis, when, without warning, the smell hit me.


I have a very sensitive nose, and I have never been more repulsed by a smell in my life. The combination of synthetic AstroGlide and rancid stench of raw fecal matter combined to turn my stomach, which was full of seafood, veal and wine, completely over.


I tried to hold it back. I really did everything I could to stop myself, but there are certain physical reactions that are beyond conscious control. Before I knew what I was doing, it just came out:


“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH H”


I vomited all over her ass. Into her crack. Into her **************. On her ass cheeks. On the small of her back. Everywhere.


She turned her head, said, “Tucker, what are you doing?,” saw me vomiting on her, screamed “Oh my God!,” and immediately joined me:


“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH H”


Watching her throw up on my bed made me vomit even more. Her vomiting all over my bed, me vomiting on her ass, the next step was almost inevitable.


I heard the loud CRASH first, turned to see my friend break through the shutters and rip the closet door off as he, the video camera, and the door tumbled out of the closet and crashed onto the floor next to us:


“BBBBBBLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH H”


The memory of the 2-second span where all three of us were vomiting at once is permanently seared into my brain. I have never heard anything like that symphony of sickness. It was like something out of the old Pink Panther movies.


I think the crowning moment was when my eyes locked with Jaime’s, I saw her moment of realization and then her quick shift from shock and surprise to complete and irreparable anger. Between bouts of hurling she flipped out:


“OH MY GOD--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--YOU FILMED THIS, YOU **************-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH-- HOW COULD YOU-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--OH MY GOD-- BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH--I LET YOU #*@% ME IN THE ASS--BBBLLLLAAAAHHHH.”


She tried to stand up, slipped on the huge puddle of backflow AstroGlide on the bed, and fell into both my pile and her pile of vomit, covering her body and hair in vomit, ******** and anal lubricant. She flailed on the bed for a second, grabbed the top sheet, wrapped it around her, and started running out of my place. Still naked and retching, my dick covered in ******** and oil, I followed her as far as my front door.


The last contact I ever had with her is the image I witnessed of her in a dead sprint, a
********, vomit and grease stained sheet stuck to her body, running from my apartment.

p.s. I didnt write this

 

This was supposed to go in Bad Religions forum.