I'm bored so I figured I would start a jokes thread. To start off with another good Soviet joke. A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden , and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in . "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. You made Comrade Major laugh a lot with your tea joke."
wow, someone must have had a long day at work. anyways, keeping with the country jokes: A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."
Little Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers do for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, lawyer, doctor, etc... but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy. "It's just that, he plays for the NY Red Bulls, but I was just too embarrassed to say."
Ha! That reminds me of a similar joke: An Italian man goes to visit America for the first time, and relates his experiences to his friends upon his return: "So I'mma go to da New Yorka Citee. Beautiful, bellissima city! But de peopla dere... dey nota so niice! I check into mya hotella room, and see dat dey forgetta putta sheet onna da bed. So I go down and tella da girl I wanna sheet. She say I gotta go to the toiletta. I say no, I wanna sheet onna my bed! She say "You'a better NOT sheet onna da bed, you sunnavabitch!" So den I go out to a ristorante, and ordera some toast, justa like mia Mama used to make. But dey bring me onlya one pissa toast, but I wanta da two piss. So I tell the guy I wanna da two piss. He say go to the toiletta. I say, no, I wanna two piss onna my plate, and he say "You better NOT pissa onna your plate, you sunnavabitch!" So I just ordera some bene spaghetti, but deya forgetta bringa me a fock. I gotta da knife anna da spoon, but no fock. So I say to the lady that I wanna fock. She say EVERYBODY wannna da fock. But I say no, dat I wanna da fock right now onna da table. Den she say "You better NOT fock onna da table, you sunnavabitch!" So I comma back to Italy.
Some of us do historical research all day and it's easy to switch between the .pdfs that I'm looking at and translating and to pop in here too. That's part of why the soviet jokes, I'm doing stuff about the soviet union and translated them.
Where does the Lone Ranger take his trash? To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump. How's that for a "Boy's Life" friendly joke?
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and asks, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods. The bear asks the rabbit if he has a problem with crap sticking to his fur. The rabbit say, "No." So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Much tamer, but soccer-related: We took Grandma (who watches too much Fox News Channel for her own good) to a soccer game last season. About halfway through the game, the ref awarded a yellow card. Grandma leaned over to my eleven year old and asked, "Remind me, what is the difference between a yellow card and a green card?"
I heard this joke on Monstervision years ago; I have an irrational love for it. So this guy Andy wants to kill his wife, but he knows he could never come up with something good enough to get away with it. So he calls a friend of a friend (you know the type) who can set him up with a guy who can take care of the situation, as it were. So Andy meets up with the guy, whose name is Artie. Artie agrees to do the job, but he needs a down payment. Andy's kind of flustered; he didn't realize he needed to bring cash. There's a big insurance payout coming, but right now all Andy has is a single dollar bill. Artie is reluctant, but he takes the dollar anyway, since the two of them are friends of friends, after all. The next morning Artie tracks down Andy's wife to the local Safeway Supermarket. Andy's wife likes to get her shopping done early, and there are few people around in the store. Artie comes up behind her and chokes her to death in the produce aisle. However, one of the stock boys saw what happened, and so Artie chased him down and choked him too. Unfortunately for Artie, the security guard saw the whole thing in his office on the store's camera. He quickly called the cops and they picked up the killer before he could exit the parking lot. And so the next day the newspaper headlines read, "Artie Chokes Two For a Dollar at Safeway!"
One day in Miss Pickford's 3rd grade class it was Story Day, where all the students were supposed to tell a story and tell what moral everyone could learn from it. Becky came up and told a story her father taught her about not taking things too quickly. The moral was, "Don't count your chickens until they're hatched." Then Jessie came up and to a story about her dad's friend who helped them move to their new house. The moral was, "A friend in need is a friend indeed." Then Little Billy came up and told his story. "My Uncle Ted was a pilot in the Vietnam War. He was out on a reconaissance flight over the jungle when some VietCong shot off one of his plane's wings. He crash landed in the undergrowth, but he was okay. Unfortunately, his navigator was killed in the crash and he was still 15 miles from the reconaissance point. "All Uncle Ted had was a machine gun, a machete, and a case of beer. Walking through the forest, he drank all the beer. Then he stumbled on a group of 100 VietCong soldiers. Uncle Ted broke out the machine gun and mowed down 70 of the soldiers, but then the gun ran out of ammo. Then he whipped out the machete and hacked 20 of the soldiers to death, but then the blade broke. So he strangled the last ten with his bare hands." Miss Pickford sat at her desk, absolutely horrified at the story Little Billy had just told. She said, "William! What kind of moral could come from such a wretched story??" Little Billy said, "Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's drunk."
This is kind of a long one, but here goes. St. Peter, the guardian of the gates of heaven, decides one day that too many people are getting in, and it's time to tighten up the criteria a little bit. So he decides to conduct a brief interview with each recently deceased hopeful, and will only allow those who died really bizarre or spectacular deaths into heaven. So the first guy of the day approaches, and St. Peter asks him his name, and how he died. The guy says, "Ok... So, I suspected that my wife was cheating on me, and I decided to come home early from work one day to see if I could catch her doing it. So I come in the door, hear some noises coming from the bedroom, and run back there. She's in bed with the covers pulled up to her chest, but there's nobody with her. So I glance around, and see a pair of hands holding on to the railing of the balcony outside. I know that this must be the guy, so I grab a hammer, go out on the balcony and smash this guy's fingers until he loses his grip and falls. We were 10 stories up, but he somehow manages to survive the fall. I was pretty angry, so I went and grabbed our refrigerator, heaved it up on top of the railing, and tipped it over to fall on top of this guy. However, as I was leaning over to make sure I would get him, I lost my balance and went over the railing with it, killing us both." St. Peter was incredulous. He hardly expected to hear such a wild story right off the bat, and dumbfoundedly motioned for the man to pass through the gates. The second man approached and was asked the same questions. He said, "Well, I had just gotten this beatiful set of wind chimes that I wanted to hang out on the balcony of my 11th floor apartment. I was a really windy day, and a big gust of wind made me lose my balance and took me right over the side. Luckily, I was able to grab the railing of the balcony below. I was about to start pulling myself up, but then this MANIAC rushes out with a HAMMER, smashes my fingers, and I lose my balance and fall down into some bushes below. The fall didn't kill me, by some miracle, but then this guy tips his freaking REFRIGERATOR over the edge on top of me!" Again, St. Peter can only manage to silently motion the man through the gates as he stands agape. As the third man approaches, St. Peter appraises him briefly and says, "This had better be good..." The man says, "Ok. Picture this: I'm naked, hiding in a REFRIGERATOR......" <cue drum roll> Beat Dallas!
Three wealthy couples are flying together to attend a function in Aspen when the rich man flying the plane lost control and they crashed into the mountains. All six of them arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter beckoned the first couple to come forward. St. Peter said, "Sir, you tried to lead a good life, but you let your vices take hold of you. In fact, you loved automobiles so much, you married a woman named Mercedes! Now, I'm going to let you in, but just barely. I'll be watching you." The first couple anxiously scuttled into the gates and Peter beckoned the second couple forward. St. Peter said, "Sir, you tried to lead a good life, but you let your vices take hold of you. In fact, you loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny! Now, I'm going to let you in, but by the slimmest of margins. I'll be watching you." The second couple hurriedly scuttleed into the gates and Peter beckoned the third couple forward. As they approached, the third man turned to his wife and said, "I think I'm in trouble, Fanny."
Larry, Paul, and Steve, three friends, die in a tragic car accident and arrive before the pearly gates. St. Peter appears before them, greets them cordially, and says, "Sirs, you will all be admitted to heaven. However, you must keep in mind the one rule of heaven: stay off the ducks. Good day." St. Peter promptly vanished and the gates began to open. The three friends all exchanged highly confused looks as they tried to understand what the one rule of heaven meant. But as they stepped through the gates and into heaven proper, they saw all the fields of heaven absolutely covered with ducks. Ducks as far as the eye can see. Ducks covering almost every inch of ground. And as they all made their first steps into heaven, Larry accidentally stepped on a duck's foot. The poor thing quacked in pain, and St. Peter immediately appeared at Larry side, looking furious. "What did I tell you?!? I give you one rule, and you can't even keep it! As your punishment, I'm going to chain you to the ugliest woman I can find for all eternity!" And so Larry was whisked away. Paul and Steve, instilled with more drive to keep heaven's only law, tried to pick their way through the mass of ducks and find a more suitable place to enjoy life in heaven. After a few hours, however, Paul tripped over a rather large duck and tumbled to the ground, crushing several of the apparently holy birds. St. Peter was there in a flash, looking as if he could chew steel. "What are you doing?!? Are you TRYING to make me mad? Are you TRYING to set some sort of vicious duck-torturing record?? As your punishment, I'm going to chain you to the ugliest woman I can find for all eternity!" And so Paul, crying and covered in feathers and duck blood, was spirited away. At this point, Steve was both terrified and lonely. But he resolved to never step on one of the ducks. And so he became, over time, a veritable duck-dodging champion. He could pick his way through a flock of packed fowl better than anyone you've ever seen. Months went by and Steve trekked on, exploring and discovering new parts of heaven's beautiful duck-filled plains. And then one day, St. Peter appeared, smiled at Steve, and chained the most beautiful woman Steve had ever seen to him. Steve, gobsmacked, asked the woman, "Why did you just get chained to me?" She said, "I dunno. All I did was step on a duck."
An American, a Canadian and a Scot all get in a car . When they are putting the toe tags on each of them in the morgue, the American wakes ups and comes back to life. They ask him what happens and he says, "When we got to heaven, St. Peter told us that it was a mistake they were there and we could all go back if we made a donation of $100. So I reached in my pocket, pulled out the money and here I am." "What happened to the other two?" the morgue people ask. "Well when I left, the Scot was negotiating the price and the Canadian was trying to get the government to pay his."
Stevie's (very proper) grandmother is over to baby-sit. He comes in from playing with the nieghbors and asks, "Grandmother, what's it called when two people sleep together and one's on the top and the other is on the bottom?" She does a good job hiding her shock and reasons that times have changed so the best thing to do is give a simple answer and tell his parents. "It's called sexual intercourse." "Thanks Grandmother," and off he goes, only to return a few minutes later. "Grandmother, it is not! It's called BUNK BEDS!"