Humourous Sayings

I just found a ton of files/threads from 2000-2003 that I had saved from an old coaching forum that shutdown a while ago... I didn't even know I had saved these until now! One particular thread was of humourous sayings. The coach wanted to get some more humuourous things to reinforce the points he was trying to get across... the thread basically turned into a bunch of peoples personal experiences/memories, and I thought i'd share 'em with you guys .

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I could have boiled an egg by the time you passed that back to me! - George Bromilow

Milk turns quicker than you do

That keeper couldn't catch a cold

He couldn't hit a cows backside with a banjo

Are you taking a bung in a brown paper envelope?

Touch of a donkey

The goal's that way son

You'd of scored had we been playing rugby
You have to shoot BETWEEN the posts and UNDER the bar

Get that piano off your back and get up and down this field.

Hey, why don't you guys call that kid the bus driver because he is taking all you guys to school!

The game started five minutes ago, when are you going to join it?

That wasn't thunder it was their striker!

It's the second half, we're going the other way!

Don't Shoot! Don't Shoot!" (Bet you can guess why based on the above.)

When they're complaining about fitness work:
"The body is wonderfully self-protective. You'll pass out before you die."
And, as follow up:
"Besides, it shows you're trying."

Head like a roof!

Turns like the titanic!

"Good clearance!" (when a forward misses the goal badly).

"Good passback!" (when a forward hits the keeper in the hands).

If someones just cocked up
-Your about as much use as a chocloate teapot
-Taxi for ........

If it's a laterally challenged player
-Chins up.

If one player has played really well you can say, in front of the rest of the team if they have been poor "Is your back alright? He's beening carrying all of you through this game."

A coach was getting soundly beaten on the field. His instructions turned to the referee. This coach was looking for anything that looked like a call.
After a few minutes of this coach's rantings, the center referee finally tells the coach...
"Coach, you missed your true calling in life".
The coach says "How's that?"
Referee replies... "Based on what I see going on out here, you are a much better referee than you are a coach".

Well I am gonna change it around a bit. In a scrimmage/friendly game a few weeks ago, my U-13G team played a U-12B team. We ended up losing the game 2-1. After the game I said to the girls "it seems like all of you were still dreaming about your pillow and blanket" Although we played well, we seemed to be a step slow in our thought process.

I always like to say the following to players on my team that wind up, swing and miss the ball badly...."Nice fake!"

How about "shoot under the crossbar".
'or'
"Your running like a bunch of lemming's".

On a weak kick: I've seen better legs in a bucket of chicken!
or "You couldn't break an egg with that kick!"
On overweight referees, (to my team out of earshot) "This guy's got more chins than a chinese phonebook" "Looks like the Michelin radial man" "Has more rolls than a french bakery" "Had his yearbook picture taken from a helicopter"
On complaining players from the other team: "Would you like cheese with that whine?" "This guy does more whining than Ernest and Julio Gallo"
My all time favorite, Ref says, "ONE more word out of you and you're gone", reply, "ONE WORD? I've got two words for you and they ain't Good Game!"

Our trainer uses the grandmother line this way: My grandmother kicks harder than that...and she has a wooden leg. My U-11G team is dying to meet his grandmother (I found that amusing ). Another one occurs at practice when someone asks me, "What time is it?", my answer is ALWAYS, "Got a date?" Nothing I hate worse than clock-watchers.

"The way you play, if the ball had eyes it would cry."

"What your all playing is ANTI-SOCCER."

To the keeper, "If I threw up a bail of hay you couldn' catch a straw."

This one is from a Brazilian coach talking to his players:
"What is the football made of?" Coach.
"Leather" Players.
"Where does leather come from?" Coach.
"From the cow" Players.
"What does a cow eat?" Coach.
"It eats grass" Players.
"Where does grass grow?" Coach.
"On the ground" players.
"So keep the ball on the ground!" Coach.

Have you got your boots on the wrong feet?

I noticed you have new boots. Did the feet come with them?

Not everyone can be a hero... so why don't you sit on the bench and clap as I go by.

Tell you what... I'll go get a drink of water, you see if you can score while I'm gone.

These are all done using a VERY heavy Scotish accent- VERY heavy:
-Coach yelling to his girls at halftime "KISS! KISS! come on girls, remember KISS? We spent a whole practice on how to KISS" The practice before the game was dedicated to simple tactics... hence the Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS) Boy did that one need some explanation.
-Get on your bike and peddle
-Like an egg (instead of saying crack it when he wanted us to shoot)
-Whatcha do? stick a spring to your foot? (for a bad bouncing first touch)

chanting......
"I'm blind,
I'm deaf,
I wanna be a ref!"

Funniest one I heard in a while was from Evan Pellerud (sp?) the Cnd Womens National Coach. He was doing a coaching symposium and was working with some U17s on quick counter attacks and looking for the long ball.
One of the players turned back down the field and looked for the pass back to the keeper. Even immediately stopped the play, and in a Norwegian accent, put his arm out and said
"Where are you going??? Home to mama?"

We hear alot of:
-Hospital pass (needs an ambulance to get there)
-Just washed your feet eh?? Can't do a thing with them.
-....then go play tiddle winks!! (if it is too hot, tired, long, whatever)
-Is that a piano behind you?
-That is the second worst pass I have ever seen you make.
-Earth to "player"
-What have you done with "player" I want my real player back.
-Are you the evil twin sister?
-If you shlep around in practise you will slep around in a game.
-If your lips are going you had better be stretching some other part of your body as well.

Goals just dont grow on tree's nice and slow.... you have to force it....

As a ref I often use humour to diffuse situations. My favorite is to a whinging player - "If I wanted grief I'd have stayed home with the wife.......Now Shut it".

Down 9-0 at the half. coach comes into the huddle "OK WE GOT EM RIGHT WHERE WE WANT EM"

My daughter is quite fleet of foot, and can carry the ball with her too! Her favorite is, "My mother always taught me to be polite... so EXCUSE ME as I leave you in my dust!"

This one came from my now 9 year old who was playing U-6 co-ed and hated every moment of the games due to the boys' attitudes. One boy was trying to bully her and call her a stupid blonde every time the ball went out of bounds. He would snatch the ball from her and say, "You stupid blonde. It's our ball.", when she was correct in taking the throw in.
She got tired of it, fired a goal kick off his chest and when he tried to get the ball from her again, she said within earshot of everyone at the top of her lungs "You call me a stupid blonde again, I'll grind your freckeld face in the dirt with my cleats! Now SHUT UP!!!" to the applause of both sets of parents. U-6 .

Describing a player with a bad touch.
"Let me put it this way his second touch is a tackle."
OR
"He's got a Toblerone touch."

When your player asks you what he should do in front of goal after he just missed an easy chance.
"Just put it in the goal son and we'll talk about your options later."

Describing a player that just can't seem to finish (Andy Cole)
"The boys like a jigsaw puzzle, it all goes to pieces in the box."

When the referee cautions you about a very late tackle.
"Sorry ref, I got there as quick as I could."

Famous quote from Shankly after a player got a head injury and the physio tells Shankly "he doesn't know who is at the moment". Shankly's reply, "well tell him he's Pele and send him back in."

Describing bad goalkeepers:
-He's like Cindarella, always late for the ball.
-He's worse than Dracula when it comes to crosses.
-Describing two players who were having a bit of shoving match.
"it was hand bags and ten paces"

Same as the hospital ball when someone under hits a pass to you and you get crunched in the tackle. - "I could hear the sirens a mile off"

After a bad performance in a very positive tone.
"well boys, if you keep that up someday your be a very mediocre team"

Funniest one I remember was when I was playing for a local side. One of our midfielders got the ball. His dad shouted "Pass it Off!" Ignoring this he ran on, took a shot which piddled hopelessly wide. His dad throws his hands in the air, and in silence shouts "Oh ************in hell Bish!! Thinks he`s bloody Muhammed Ali with that dancing!!"

One that i've used when a player is stuggling:
"son, you are playing worse and worse every day and right now you are playing like it's the middle of next month."

I was told many times that when I jumped to head the ball, you couldn't get a newspaper under my feet!

 

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Well, it appears I didn't save page 2... but I think that's more then enough ! I've heard a few of the above in my own experience so I won't repeat 'em. Anyways, when I was very young (this isn't so much of a humourous saying), I remember one coach saying to our team "you can never run faster than the ball... it will always be faster than you". I don't even know what he was talking about here at all anymore but i've always remembered it. I think that's been an inspiration for me though... i've been trying to prove that wrong ever since he said it .

Feel free to share your own! And sorry for the lengthy post !