FSU Teams in the UEFA Cup [R]

or this guy

 

...non nearly as cool as Mike Myers best character on Saturday Night Live, Dieter the avant-garde German hosting the show "Sprockets" (or, as Dieter pronounced it, "Shprokets."


Dieter: Velcome to "Sprockets". I am your host, Dieter. This veek ve explore the latest phenomenon on German television. It is, of course, "The Munsters" - a brilliant satire of a post-nuclear American society. Monsters of an American dream turn to nightmare. It is pure Americanist culture, and I love it. Ve have with us in the studio tonight, the boy who played Eddie Munster, Butch Patrick. Please welcome Butch Patrick - Eddie Munster. [ Butch Patrick walks out, smoking a cigarette ] Hello, Eddie. "The Munsters" are very popular in Germany, and you have become a celebrity here. Are you surprised?

Butch Patrick: Oh, God.. well, I'll tell you, Dieter - the show went off the air in '66, so it has been a bit of a dry spell for me. And, when I heard the kids were starting to watch the show over here in Germany, I figured, well.. you gotta go with the heat. You know? I mean, as actors we're nomads, so I got over here as quickly as possible.

Dieter: Eddie, it has been said of "The Munsters" that they are both crime and magic.

Butch Patrick: [ perplexed by the statement ] Yeah, well.. I think the real crime is that we were cancelled. I mean, we were getting ratings.. they'd never seen numbers like that, and then to just go and pull the plug out of nowhere - I think someone very high up got a little scared, or something, and uh..

Dieter: Vhat vas it like to vork with Fred Gwynne - Herman Munster?

Butch Patrick: A freak! An 8-foot freak! Actually, it's a very funny story about Gwynne. You know, he had the flattop, the thing he wore on the show, right.. So one morning I walked into make-up..

Dieter: [ interrupting ] Your story has become tiresome. Eddie, Susan Sontex said of "The Munsters" that they lie at 24 frames per second. [ Eddie looks confused ] It is obvious that your so-called cousin Marilyn, who is an innocent surrounded by monsters, was a reference to another American icon - Marilyn Monroe.

Butch Patrick: Well, really, I don't know about that stuff.. I mean.. I guess everyone had their thing on the show, you know.. uh.. Grandpa was a vampire; my mother was a vampire; my father was a Frankenstein; and I was.. uh.. I don't know what the hell I was.

Dieter: I read somewhere that Marilyn left the show "under a cloud".

Butch Patrick: [ laughing ] Under a cloud! She was under half the sound crew! I joke with her. If I was.. ooh.. ten years older at the time..

Dieter: To me, Eddie was an every vampire.

Butch Patrick: Oh, well, again.. vampire.. I'd like to stay away from that thing.. But, yeah, there was definitely something about Eddie that struck a chord, that went right to the heart of what it meant to be an 8-year-old - whatever the hell I was - growing up in America in the 1960's.

Dieter: Can I touch your widow's peak? It is most bizarre.

Butch Patrick: Uh.. okay..

Dieter: [ reaches in and touches Butch's hair ] Textures interest me. Do you want to touch my monkey? [ indicates his monkey sitting on a pedestal ]

Butch Patrick: [ dumbfounded ] Touch your monkey? I..

Dieter: Touch it!

Butch Patrick: Uh.. really, no..

Dieter: Touch the monkey! I'd like you to touch it!

Butch Patrick: [ giving in ] Okay! Alright! [ stands up and walks over to the monkey ] Hey, monkey.. hey.. [ the monkey bites his finger ] Ouch! He bit me! Ow, I'm bleeding! Could I get a bandage, or something? Please? Agh!

Dieter: I would have liked to have seen you play Eddie completely covered in sores.

Butch Patrick: What?! Sores?

Dieter: Abrasions. Lesions.

Butch Patrick: What the hell is wrong with you? Huh?!

Dieter: Now is the time on "Sprockets" vhen ve dance. [ gets up and dances with fellow Germans ]

Butch Patrick: Hey, I'm getting out of here, alright? 'Cause I've gotta get a bandage, or something.. you German creeps! [ walks off ]

Dieter: That's it for this veek of "Sprockets". My guest has been Eddie Munster, Butch Patrick. My name is Dieter. Auf weidersehen!

Some Dieter quotes:

"Vhy is it that the truly brilliant are doomed to a life of obscurity, surrounded by a sea of mediocrity, only to end up covered in sores in a pool of their own filth? Oh vell, the beat goes on."
"Vould you like to touch my monkey? Touch him! Love him! Liebe meine abst-monkey."
"Gregor Was, your presence intimidates me to the point of humiliation. Would you care to strike me?"
"Genius! By seemingly embracing the cliches of the vest, he is underscoring its excruciating banality."
"In your film Irritant Number Four, the only images were that of a baby's head and a toilet. Did you mean for me to scream?"
"I'm happy as a little GIIIIIRL." (spoken while pinching the fabric of his shirt at the nipples and pulling it away from his body)
"You plug your show with the subtilty of a flying mallet."
"Your agony is gorgeous."
"Textures intrigue me."
"Your story has become tiresome."
"A fat man and a shprinkler are soon together."----Old Bavarian adage
"Yes, Ve are doomed and I am filled with remorse, and it is most delicious."
"Sadly, Klaus is limited. But he is beautiful, is he not?"
At Dieter's Dance Party , in response to a record being rated -3 on a scale of 1 to 14, Dieter says, "Sadly, there are no integers on this scale, so your gangly adolescent attempt to be clever has proved futile."
"You are beautiful and angular."
"You disturb me to the point of insanity. There. I am insane now."
"Now is the time on Sprockets vhen ve dance."