Did I handle this situation wrong?

I don't think you handled the situation all that well from what you've described. I would suggest tuning out what spectators say during the game itself. Certainly don't engage with them the way you did.

If a spectator actually approaches you for your name, just politely tell them to ask the coach of their team for that kind of information. You never have any reason to ask a spectator for their name.

Are you relatively new at this? At the beginning it can be tempting to engage with coaches and spectators in interesting ways. Not a good idea. Perhaps work on taking a more formal approach to how you interact with people around the field.

I was also a little concerned by that elbow to the throat. That sounded pretty serious.

 

First regarding the pushing: you gotta know your audience (players, coaches, fans) and the expectations for what is called at the skill level you are working. At pretty much every level below pro the name of the game is to call the fouls and keep the game low temperature. Sounds like you could have been calling some of the hands fouls (remember girls commit a higher percentage of fouls with their arms) to prevent escalation of contact (big shove, elbow to throat, etc). You could call more fouls and slow down the game, and use your voice to talk the players down too. But if push comes to shove and you've used your other tools, pick a big foul to card. Perhaps that will prevent an elbow to the throat, which is a pretty big thing you have to deal with.

Regarding the fans: was this woman talking to the coach during the game? Why was she on the same side as the benches? Unless she is saying something worthy of tossing her, ignore it. Perhaps she will not bother asking you for your name after the game. If she approaches you either ignore her or refer her to the coach.

 

Here's what I do. I'm always at the field very early to warm up properly. (Yes, no one else I referee with ever warms up!). That means I'm usually there as the teams and coaches arrive. I seek out both coaches and tell them my name as I shake their hand. That covers it. If they can't remember it later, too bad!

When doing lower level younger kids, the parents are forever worrying and speaking out about "Pushing". At this level, if the arm is away from the body and they are using it, call it! Or say something, like, "Easy with your arms." And, a couple of foul calls that don't amount to much will stop the catcalls. Free kicks from distance truly don't Matter at this level of play. And they tend to diffuse the parents.

Also, parents don't ever seem to grow out of the "pushing" phase. I did a very good HS girls varsity game last week and all I heard was about the "pushing". It was a very high level game and my partner and I allowed a good amount of contact. The parents wanted NO contact.

Some leagues will have parents and teams on same side. Never works out well. I think the coaches dislike it more than us.

 

"Don't let her push you!" One of my favorites from the sideline.

But -- 4th/5th girls does not merit much in the way of "Let 'em play ref!" Blow the whistle.

 

Well, I think a lot of how one manages this sort of thing depends on your own personality.

Personally, unless a parent is inciting violence, I pretty much ignore them. I don't care what they say- in fact I would say that one Can't care what they say, because if you do in the least, their bias is inserted into your decision making, either positive or negative towards their team, which isn't fair to anyone.

As for their audibly asking the coach what your name is, well, let's call that what it is- they are trying to intimidate you. If they wanted to just report you to your assignor or whatever, are they going to do it right then?

After the game, I do not categorically avoid parents and coaches. There are times when one wants to say hi, or thanks, or ask a legit question in a non confrontational way. But anything other than that gets a blank look or ignore. If some one asks for my name, "it's on the game report. What's yours?"

As for fouls, I hate to say it so bluntly, but American kids are emasculated when it comes to the physicality required to play competitive soccer. Yes, your foul threshold is lower for younger players, but I believe that physical legal play should be encouraged. So the future soccer players of America thank you for not blowing the whistle every time someone raises their arms, but help them further by firmly, gently, consistently drawing the line between foul and no foul.

Final bit of advice: quit doing unaffiliated games. In affiliated games, there is recourse for players, parents, coaches when they misbehave, protections that likely don't exist in house leagues. Duals are anathema to legit soccer and for good reason. So when you are getting started, stick to ussf and ayso games.

 

"4th and 5th grade girls house league" are not headed in the direction of "competitive soccer." Blow the whistle.

 

If you diffuse the parents enough, most of them won't be within shouting distance of the field anyway.

 

The version that makes me cringe is "If she pushes you, push her back". Or worse: "If they play dirty, play dirty back".

 

Yes indeed. If it's convenient, I will usually follow that one with a fly-by to the player to whom it was directed with "You know that's bad advice, right?"

 

And needless to say, that includes the coaches, and with even less leeway. Early in my career, before I learned to (ahem) control myself somewhat, I ripped a U13 coach a new one for yelling to his left forward, right in front of his bench, at the top of his lungs, "Take him on! He's not any good!" Yes, I suppose that was "indirect" as to that poor defender, but it was way too direct for me, in that game, on that day, as the coach found out. He had trouble looking me in the eye for a long time after that.

 

It also depends upon competition expectations. AYSO expects certain conduct from parents and spectators and would expect the referee to direct the coach to take care of it. In an AYSO game, I would shut down the parent behavior described in the OP by reminding the coach that it is his responsibility. And if it continued, I would tell the coach he needed to remove her before the game continued. In younger games we need to keep in mind that knuckleheads like this are ruining it for the kids -- and that is why I would have her removed (not because I don't have thick skin).

I would echo what others have said about calling fouls at this age. The OP seems to describe a careless foul and a reckless foul, but doesn't say if they were or weren't called. A rec league at this age has players learning who don't know what is permissible -- call the fouls and explain them.

 

Agreed, and I have another one that will bring the game to a screeching halt. I don't tolerate a spectator accusing the officiating crew of bias. Dismissal is instant.

 

Even better, "Don't let her push you like that!" (I'm thinking, how should she let her push her?)

Back on track, I've answered a parent, "My name will be on the game sheet." Of course that's provided the coach remembered to bring one; U12 was pretty hit and miss.

 

You are there to apply the rules of the game not make up new rules because they are a certain age or female. If you adjust beyond that asked of you by your association then you are ignoring the key part of kids having a referee and that's learning and growing through playing the game.
Secondly referees need thick skin. The onky abusive onlooker I bother about is the one who enters the field of play while I and the players are on it either playing the game or in that phase before they move to the (normally imaginary) tunnel. In that case I say 'Sir, you need to leave the field right now or I will have to ask the coach to escort you off'. Other than that you are a ref expect all sorts of uneducated biased sideline comments and judge yourself after the game either on your own or with your match assessor.

 

I assume you are not suggesting that enforcing responsible behavior by adults at a youth match is making up a rule.

 

So in the highly unlikely event of a referee crew that is actually biased, they can protect themselves pretty easily.

 

If it's a youth match, yes. What you let the adults get away with you condone and the kids pick up on it. Seriously how often do you give a rip who wins the game? I've tossed a spectator twice for this, and ironically both times it was in our home club's tournament and in neither game was a team from the home club involved.

 

Please address ALL inappropriate behavior by coaches and spectators. Yes, we need thick skin, and as an adult referee that has a few games under me spectators rarely bother me at all. However, that same behavior can easily cause a new/young referee to give up and never come back so please be conscious of that.

 

Always, always give your assignors name as your name.

 

What if you are the assignor?

I had a coach ask me my supervisor's name. I suggested he talk to the league president.

 

I liked the one where, during pregame, my assignor comes up (I was assistant assignor) and tells us that one team was bitching about me being on the game because I coached the kids ("Play the ball", "Straight up", "Keep going", etc). I suggested to the center that I switch sides to avoid being in their end and he said, "Hell no! You're going to be here so you can look at them in the eye when you call their player offside!" Alas, there was no offside to be had. To prove my point though, a defender and the goalkeeper for the grumpy coach collided inside the PA causing them both to fall down. The whole team stopped while an attacker got the ball, dribbled 5 yards, and scored. The center told me after the game, "I can see why you have to say 'Keep going', they all stopped."

 

I was working with Peter one day. A coach was complaining about his calls. He was going to give the coach a name and phone number (from memory); someone in the state ref committee hierarchy. No, the coach knew who to call, the assignor, Cindy. Peter's married to Cindy. (He takes games from her when she can't get anyone else.)

 

I have seen something similar except for in that situation the referee was the assignors ex husband.