Anyone been this close to becoming a Professional Footballer.

That's brilliant. Lying, getting caught, and then trying to rip on those people by talking about the politicians in their country. Class

 

The saddest part of all of this isn't that Mel B is lying worse than .

Its that he's doing it on an internet message board to impress people that he'll never meet.

 

Damn, so I blew him for nuthin'?

 

The closest I ever got to being a pro? Hmm, here goes.

It was the summer of 1999, I was 15, it was one of the last truely enjoyable summers of my life, where I was still technically a kid, and the world, bills and the dole that was to come the next summer were still a cold winter and spring away. I remember it being a hot summer, and we spent hazy days up in Buxton, in the Peak District due to my da's girlfriend living there.

Between Buxton and Sheffied there was a small village called Hathersage, which had an outdoor swimming pool where we would swim, then off to the Little John pub for a gut bursting meal, but before that it was football.

Now back then I was pants at football, still am, but playing against my da's girlfriend younger brother and cronies I could lurch over them, charge down midfield with the ball, mow them down like skittles and be in the clear for goal. But I never fecking scored. I couldn't shoot for crap. Well until one time about 30 of us were playing, I got the ball on the volley from near the halfway line, it zoomed over loads of heads and curled in wickedly into the top corner. Blam, I had scored the winner.

I went spastic. I instantly got spots in my eyes, I was away, charging to the 3000 Man City fans surging down the away terrace in delight, and somewhere there was a dog barking, didn't know dogs were allowed in Maine Road, until I realised to my shock and horror that the black and white Geordie bearing down on me was not my Geordie team-mate, but a dog, who had got overexcited at my 'Charlie George' -esque celebrations, and was rushing to 'play' with me. I crapped it completely and ran away.

So therefore I was like the Colchester goalkeeper of the Sixties. Such a short pro career ended brutally by a dog. charging across the field.

I still maintain I'm better than Pele, in my head, mind.

 

Did you use any of them mate?

 

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