Adoption (R)

Discussion in 'Parenting & Family' started by pething101, Mar 30, 2011.

  1. pething101

    pething101 Member

    Jul 31, 2001
    Smyrna, Ga
    Club:
    West Ham United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Hi all,

    The wife and I are about to adopt our first two children, a 9 year girl and her 11 year old brother. Um, neither my wife and I have any children that we know of so this is going to be our first adventure in being parents. Toss into the equation that my wife and I are white and our two children are African American and you can tell that this is going to be one heck of an interesting ride. We meet them on Friday for the first time. They are coming home with us for the weekend. Then they will head back to their foster homes. I really have no clue what to expect. I know that what ever happens, life will no longer be the same. There is no more "I" or "we". Once scary ass concept.

    If you got any tips you want to share, feel free to share. If you have any advice, please advise. Mostly, I think I am just going to share my experiences with you. The good and the bad.

    Two more nights of ... just the wife and I. Life gets more interesting soon.
     
  2. argentine soccer fan

    Staff Member

    Jan 18, 2001
    San Francisco Bay Area
    Club:
    CA Boca Juniors
    Nat'l Team:
    Argentina
    Best of luck.

    My wife and I adopted a little girl from Thailand and it was the best thing I've ever done in my life. She was 2 years old when we adopted her, and she's ten years old today. We approached the idea with the attitude that we wanted to give something special to a child, but actually she has given us so much more than we could ever give to her.
     
  3. bungadiri

    bungadiri Super Moderator
    Staff Member

    Jan 25, 2002
    Acnestia
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Welcome to the parenting club. I guess I should be jealous that you will get in without having to do diapers, but I suppose your way sounds like it will have its own challenges. I have no doubt it will be just as wonderful, though. Congratulations to Mom and Dad.

    (The result tag in the title makes me think you'll keep us all posted. Hope so.)
     
  4. Val1

    Val1 Member+

    Arsenal
    Mar 12, 2004
    MD's Eastern Shore
    Club:
    Arsenal FC
    Well, you said you would keep us informed, and here it is Tuesday and you're late with the update.;) How'd your weekend go?

    Congratulations! No advice really. One of the nice things about conceiving your own child is that you get 9 months to plan and prepare for the coming. You won't have anything like that. Even if you've been trying and then talking for however long about adoption, you've reached a new stage of immediacy.

    OK, one piece of advice. Your children will be coming to you partly formed. If they are in foster care, they obviously have quite the life story that my kids don't. In some ways it doesn't matter. Our kids are born who they are, regardless of what we as parents want. I tried and tried to make my daughter a tomboy, and while she's no princess and speaks fluent boy (the result of a great relationship with her younger brother) she is all girl. I suspect there will be more of your children's personalities that you won't be able to change and that you'll just have to accept. For some parents, this is difficult to accept.

    Enjoy the ride, it's a lot of fun.
     
  5. Val1

    Val1 Member+

    Arsenal
    Mar 12, 2004
    MD's Eastern Shore
    Club:
    Arsenal FC
    pething101
    So, how is the parenting thing going?
     
  6. russ

    russ Member+

    Feb 26, 1999
    Canton,NY
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    He might be too busy to say...

    I know i usually am.

    signed,
    a guy who hasnt posted as much since January.
     
  7. pething101

    pething101 Member

    Jul 31, 2001
    Smyrna, Ga
    Club:
    West Ham United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Yeah, I saw this a while back. Just not really sure what to say. It really has been a tale of two cities.

    Our daughter is doing really well. She just turned 11 and is going into the 6th grade. She has made the transition really, really, well. Of course, she is not perfect and does a lot of stupid things that 11 year olds do but that is to be expected. No worries there.

    Our son is a ********ing nightmare. I know that sounds harsh but he really is a nightmare. I know it sounds cold and callous but if I could send him away, I would in a heart beat. (One of the reasons I avoided replying to this thread was whether or not to be truthful about all this). He has formed his personality already and I think, really wants nothing to do with us as a family. He refuses to do most of the things we ask him to do. He lies constantly. He spent a huge chunk of time in trouble at school, the school where I teach (hence he is changing schools). His grades were miserable even though he is really, really, intelligent. He is so toxic that we sent him to the Boys and Girls Club all summer even though both my wife and I were home all summer. He is just not a pleasant person to be around at all. I think he has all the chance to be very successful if he would listen to us as parents. It just does not happen. School starts tomorrow and I hope that he turns it around but I just don't see it happening.

    Btw, he is in therapy and on medication. We have not had to physically restrain him in a few months. (that used to be every couple of weeks). I just don't think he wants to be here. He has been in so many foster homes, on his own, that he thinks he is an adult and can manage without us.
     
    Val1 repped this.
  8. russ

    russ Member+

    Feb 26, 1999
    Canton,NY
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    I totally understand.

    We had a ton of ups and downs during our foster care and adoption process.We even had to change our mind regarding pursuing a placement because the extent of the kid's disability hadn't been discovered yet.

    The boy probably has wicked attachment issues which haven't come close to being resolved yet.

    My only suggestion which i'm sure you've already heard is work closely with his therapist.

    Good luck and I hope it works out OK.
     
  9. Val1

    Val1 Member+

    Arsenal
    Mar 12, 2004
    MD's Eastern Shore
    Club:
    Arsenal FC
    Oh God, I am so sorry. Thanks for your honesty. I know it's hard to admit to yourself, so sharing, even on the relative anonymity of a message board, is significant.

    Your son is his own person, and you got someone who is damaged goods. Unlike me, who got to break my own kids all on my own.;) Actually, smilies probably have no place in this conversation. Sorry.

    As you've said, family feels optional for him, and it can be hard enough to belong to a family when there is no way out of it. Maybe he feels that there's still a way out. Plus, he is old enough to do things on his own, and some kids from great families act out at this age anyway. You've just got everything multiplied by his tenuous background. And that's without the whole racial-identity thing, if that is an issue for your son.

    I have to ask, what is his relationship with his sister? Is there anything there you can build on?

    So, let me say thanks. Thanks for taking him in to your family in the first place, for all the struggles you're going through, and for not sending him back. I hope there is light at the end of your personal hell tunnell.
     
    Ismitje repped this.
  10. SenordrummeR2

    SenordrummeR2 Member+

    Jul 21, 2008
    Layton, UT
    Club:
    Real Salt Lake
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    I'm sorry for your pain and frustration. Do you know what his background is? Meaning, anything about his biological parents. My cousin was adopted as a baby, but he ended up acting a lot like you're describing. His mom was overly protective and babied him, so he was okay at home. When he was out of the house or at school he was a nightmare. Got into fights, got into drugs, etc. You name it, he probably did it. We found out that his mom was a rape victim, but she decided to carry the pregnancy through and give the baby up for adoption. He's got anger issues due to that, and he seems borderline bipolar. This could stem from the trauma the mom endured, or anything. Who knows.

    When he was around 14, his mom decided she couldn't handle him anymore and needed to get him away from his friends, so she sent him to live with my grandparents, who happen to live next door to me. He immediately started falling into the same problems: lying, stealing, acting out, etc. I went to school with him, and knew the kids he was associating with were bad news, so I decided to try and help him out. I found the things that he liked to do, and we spent a lot of time doing those things: music, Nintendo, skateboarding, etc. I ended up losing some of my friends, but it was worth it to help him out. He still acted out on occasion, but he seemed to do much better when he was treated like an adult instead of a child, and when someone paid attention to what he wanted instead of what they wanted.

    I'm sure you've tried it already, but if he wants to be an adult treat him like one. Find a common ground and something you can spend time with him that he enjoys, even if it's something you don't like. He's probably got trust and anger issues, so it will probably take some time to get him to trust you. Try and find a way that you can show him that you won't give up on him like others have. That may be the most important thing. He won't want to get close to anyone as long as he feels like he may be given up on again.
     
    Ismitje repped this.
  11. pething101

    pething101 Member

    Jul 31, 2001
    Smyrna, Ga
    Club:
    West Ham United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Well, if any of you are wondering how things are going ...

    Just had him arrested for assault, criminal trespass, and unruly behavior after he tried to break down a door and get to my wife with a pogo stick which sounds pretty funny while typing it.

    This has been the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.

    By far.

    It is not even close.

    And I have done some stupid, stupid, stupid shit.
     
  12. bungadiri

    bungadiri Super Moderator
    Staff Member

    Jan 25, 2002
    Acnestia
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Oh man. I wish there was something I could do or say that could help in some way. Val1 (with typical generosity) has said what I'd like to already: you deserve enormous credit for the initial decision and hope that against all odds your family actually feels like one to you and the boy. For now I hope you are all safe and there's at least some steps you might be able to take to stabilize the situation.
     
  13. russ

    russ Member+

    Feb 26, 1999
    Canton,NY
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Very sory to hear about this,man.
     
  14. Val1

    Val1 Member+

    Arsenal
    Mar 12, 2004
    MD's Eastern Shore
    Club:
    Arsenal FC
    I think about you alot, PT. Thanks for the update.

    My wife and I have been asked by the mother of our god-daughter to adopt Nasia if something happens to her. Eve, the mother, has MS, irregularly takes her meds, and living well below the poverty line, doesn't live too well. We had to tell Eve we'd be happy to take Nasia but that we would not take her older sister who is a mess. Nasia is bright, winsome and is quite energetic the force of nature, and we have only a 1400 square foot house. But the sister has been suspended from school twice, been kicked out of her foster parent's home for starting fires and fights, and I think it's too late for her. That she is not already pregnant is probably a miracle... It was a no-brainer to tell Eve we wouldn't take the sister but it was still really hard to admit.

    I guess all I can hope is that you are enjoying your daughter....
     
  15. Val1

    Val1 Member+

    Arsenal
    Mar 12, 2004
    MD's Eastern Shore
    Club:
    Arsenal FC
    This thread is probably the most memorable for me here on BS. Partly because of Pething's horrific experience, but because the wife and I may finally be getting Nasia. It's been three tries now to get custody of her, but third time may be the charm. She's exhausted the people who want her for her benefits, her sister who is trying to raise her own kid now, and lastly the person who thought we wrong color to raise her. It's been sad to see how she's been kicked around, but almost as depressing to see how hard the system has worked to ignore her, even when she's been dropped off at social services with all her belongings in trash bags. Something I've rescued her from three times over the years. It's been a month now, and we're still in the honeymoon phase, for both parties. But, she's not sleeping well, and after changing the bed and giving her new pillows, the nuclear option may be taking away her phone at night. We'll see how that goes.
     

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