A letter to America

Discussion in 'Politics & Current Events' started by scorpio81, Dec 1, 2004.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. scorpio81

    scorpio81 Member

    Sep 21, 2004
    FC Bayern München
    Nat'l Team:
    Please ignore if no sense of humour...

    To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
    failure to elect a suitable President of the USA and thus to govern
    yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
    independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth
    II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and
    other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new
    prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
    of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside
    your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
    for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
    questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
    of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
    Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
    Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
    amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
    letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'flavours'
    and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than
    laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
    without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair
    with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
    suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn
    that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are
    welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with
    correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary
    to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty
    seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
    know" is an unacceptable a nd inefficient form of communication. Look
    up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry
    Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language
    then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your
    vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

    2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft
    know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
    take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-

    3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
    accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited
    to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You
    will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -
    Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with
    subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that
    there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the
    county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all
    American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire,
    Louisianashire, or NewYork-Shehar, as desis would call it.

    4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
    the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to
    play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving
    Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a
    wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of
    occasional political incorrectness.

    5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
    Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
    you to get confused and give up half way through.

    6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one
    kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
    very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
    outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
    plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it,
    and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
    if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you
    brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is
    similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
    rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
    nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
    side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable
    to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is
    not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that
    there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
    Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called
    "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized
    gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
    weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not
    aware that there is a world outside your borders should count
    yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde"
    is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry
    guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
    dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't
    believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous
    items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable
    peeler in public.

    8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
    national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive

    9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
    your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
    what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with
    roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate
    effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect
    and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and
    metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

    10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
    fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
    though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while
    in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things
    you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps".
    Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional
    accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
    Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

    11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
    to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this
    quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

    12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
    actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper
    British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of
    known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The
    substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
    referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the
    product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be
    referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true
    Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech
    Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

    13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as
    you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005)
    prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to
    those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK
    petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

    14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
    lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
    therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
    Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to
    sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist
    then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
    collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
    ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
    Thank you for your cooperation.
  2. Chicago1871

    Chicago1871 Member

    Apr 21, 2001
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Posted here, and locked for obvious reasons.
  3. bigredfutbol

    bigredfutbol Moderator
    Staff Member

    Sep 5, 2000
    Woodbridge, VA
    DC United
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Return to Sender.

Share This Page