maybe this is just the case for me and a few of my friends, but my parents have become quite annoying once they became grandparents. my mother calls about 3 times a week to see what the kids are doing. uh, well, the 2 year old is running around crazy and the 2 week old is nursing. that's about what happens everyday around here. not much happens in the span of 72 hours. my parents also have this thing about going on vacation together. every 6 months, they want to go away with us. why? we never went on vacation with my grandparents. and, god forbid, we do something different than they did. believe it or not, the field of pediatrics has changed in the last 30 years. what really chaps my ass, is when i tell her something our doctor said that she disagrees with and she questions our doctor! "well, where did you find this doctor?" GRRRRR.......
all four of our grandparents have done a fantastic job of giving us space and letting us do things our way. we still ask for advice and they're happy to give it, but only when they're asked. so far I guess we've been lucky because it's been a very good situation.
My wife's father calls nearly every day. He's totally smitten. He was never like this before. Good guy, and I enjoy his company, but he's totally into being a grandfather. Sachin
Sometimes, they can be helpful. My mother decided to give us some "space", but we actually need her to help us out more. May be if she starts to show up more, it will be annoying. Well, she called once every 6 months during college.... I still found her annoying.
we're also far enough away that they can't do the pop-in, but close enough they can come help (like last night). my parents are three states away, though. three of the big ones, not those itty-bitty east coast states, either.
I have a variety of grandparent styles for my kids to choose from: 1. Grandmother #1: Totally stressed with her own life, but incredibly active and fun when she has time to spare for us. She is the one who bought the sandbox and riding toy for her yard, Play-Doh, a gazillion toys, etc. She is by far the "funnest" of the grandparents. 2. Grandfather #1: Very un-child-proofed house, but tons of fun when he takes the kids out somewhere or plays with them over here. Also busy and we don't see him as often. 3. Grandparents #2: They have approximately (1) box of old toys that they bring out every time we visit, very little space for the kids to romp around, no yard to speak of. But they're always willing to let us visit and always willing to babysit if we need them. Now if only we could combine the availability of Grandparents #2 with the fun-loving spirit of the others, we'd have the perfect grandparents. None of them get on our nerves. They all give us space.
My wife and I moved 2 or 3 years ago specifically to be closer to family. We knew that we wanted our child to have access to her grandparents (and other exteded family) and we wanted access to their babysitting services! Can family be a pain? Sure. For us, the benefits far exceed the costs. Not that there aren't times when I wish we had stayed at our prior location 12 hours away! We've got it pretty good with the grandparents. They all get-along well with each other and, generally speaking, respect our wishes regarding our daughter. It also helps that my sister and my wife's brother had children before us, so all of the grandparents had already gotten the worst of their meddling out of their systems! As a Great Philospher once said: You take the good, you take the bad, You take them both and there you have The facts of life, the facts of life.
I have no desire to be a grand parent, unfortunately for me I will be one any day now. At 41 this is not a good thing.....I guess its not really the grandfather thing so much as my 17 year old daughter making the biggest mistake of her life by becoming a mother
It's a hard situation. I feel for you and your granddaughter. She's too young--there's no way around it. You can make a HUGE difference in the life of your grandchild by being there to help your daughter do the things she needs to do, like get some education and get started on a career path. It's not fair, and it won't be easy, but you have the power to help your daughter and her child become a statistic. Good luck.
I'm sorry to hear it firstshirt. Hopefully you and your family are in a position to help her and your grandchild. Whatever support we can provide you, I'm sure the BigSoccer community will rally. Sachin
I feel your pain--my parents constantly push for 'family togetherness' that is pretty forced and based on no real sense of togetherness. Basically, my Mom is arranging heavily orchestrated photo ops. My last visit back home, I took our son while my sister was visiting with her kids. I was under the impression that I was dropping my son off for a week with Grandpa, Grandma and his cousins while I visited old college friends I hadn't seen in years. Turns out I was expected to stick around for a family gathering...just because. Aunts were invited--without telling me--and then I was informed that I would be a total jerk for not sticking around after they came "all this way to see you." Good times. My mother-in-law is just batshit crazy. She's the one who lives nearby. She's making up for LOTS of guilt; she turned my wife--her only child--over to HER mother-in-law to raise. We don't do anything right--she shows up unannounced (she lives 10 miles away, so it's not a matter of "being in the neighborhood") with groceries, goes to the kitchen uninvited, and prepares some meal which she promptly begins shoveling down our son's throat. He's 8-and-a-half, but she still thinks he needs to be spoon-fed. She also wipes his butt for him AND daps the last few drops of pee with toilet paper so he doesn't have to shake. He's now at the age where he WANTS to be a big boy, so this coddling behavior actually tends to upset him. She also wants him to quit playing soccer because "he's not good enough to be on that team". She has a weird need for everyone in her life to be unsuccessful. She freaked out when I taught him to ride a bike. She throws fits when we have him take a shower or bath by himself. Did I mention we lived with her for over two years so he didn't have to go to daycare? Fortunately, that arrangement ended when he was very young--she's merely annoying now, but I wouldn't want her raising him. My favorite story--one time, after I'd put the trash out on the curb she ran out to rearrange the bags--I'd put them out 'wrong.' "They won't pick it up like that," she said.
thanks,,,,,she will be living with us until she finishes HS....We tried to get her to graduate in Jan but the school system says she has to come back for,,,,,,get this,,,,,,,,GYM!!! State law requires 2 years. She will have a year and a half done by Jan. I argued that she could be out making a living for herself and her baby but they think volleyball is more important....asshats. Anyway the guy is still in the picture, problem is the loser is 27 and should have known better than to mess with a 16 year old. unfortunately my daughter loves the guy but I have a feeling he will only break her heart. As for the baby, it will never have to worry about anything other than having morons for parents. My wife and I make a decent living and we will see that the baby is taken care of. I will see to its soccer training once it starts walking
My daughter has no desire to go to college, she thinks life will be grand living with her boyfriend. The guys makes decent money, supposedly over 60k last year however 60k in CT is fine for a single guy, for a family of 3 that is just barely above poverty level. I told her I would pay all her expenses to go to a trade school to be a dental assistant, med tech, radiology tech,,,what ever she wanted. She however has no ambition and will he happy and content working full time at the day care center where she works now.....she is in for a rude awakening once she moves out
GYM?!?!?!?!? Wow. Just...wow. Well, at least she's finishing HS...that's a start. And it's a blessing that you and your wife are financially in a situation to help out. Is the father 'in the picture' financially as well? Tough situation. But the baby has loving grandparents--that's a big bonus.
father is still there, though I will never cut him slack. as far as I am concerned he is a pedophile. He is a truck driver and makes decent money
Ugh. I can't imagine the kind of stress you're under. It's not that you want to control your children, but in situations like this, you sure as heck want to point them in the right direction. Good luck! edit: p.s. I have a sister in Guilford. Beautiful area out there in Connecticut! Too expensive for my tastes, though, unfortunately.
At times i feel like i failed as a parent, I was not able to protect my daughter from this guy and this situation,,,,other times I think,,,,,a parent can only teach give advice for so long but ultimately its up to the kid to make the right choice and in this case she did not. yes Guilford is very nice, on the coast and very costly
I realize that this has no real practical value now, but as far a possible futures go: I've been an academic advisor at the college level and have talked to a couple of really motivated, successful "non-traditional" students who'd gotten pregnant right out high school, struggled a few years, and then made up their minds to move on, via community college and then a regular undergrad degree. They were among the clearest headed, most motivated students I've seen. They also took pains to mention they had parents that loved them and supported them where they could even when they were disagreeing with their choices. Which sounds to me like what you're doing now.
Yes, my sister is renting and they are living on well UNDER $60K a year while her husband finishes a post-doc thing at Yale. As nice as that area is, I hope they go somewhere where they get a lot more bang for their buck. Heck, I feel like I'm failing as a parent every single day. You're not alone in those thoughts, but don't let them get you down. The truth is: yeah, you made mistakes like EVERY PARENT IN THE WORLD but you did a million good things, too, so don't stress about it. Just continue doing the best you can.
I'll go even further... Someone very very close to me graduated high school and immediately moved out of her parents house at the age of 17. Didn't have any drive to go to college or a trade school. Tried but dropped out in 6 months. Her and her mother fought like cats and dogs. She spent the first say 6-10 years of her post high school life working odd jobs with no real direction, and eventually landed a Phlebotomist position for the Red Cross. Then stumbled across an opportunity in her late 20's to get involved with a very prestigious medical research hospital here in the city and then moved onto a research tech running a portion of research grants and gets her name published in research magazines across the country. In that time, she made up with her mom, saw what her mom was always trying to do for her, and now is best friends with her. They talk all the time and see eye to eye as never before. She will be graduating from school with a Psychology degree in abotu 2 years(of course she took the long road) She also turned out to be one hell of a fine mother and she's the best person I have ever met that's why I married her. Point is, sometimes wrong turns, turn out to be right ones. You shouldn't feel bad about yourself.