I'm experiencing a very difficult family problem and I was hoping that some posters have some advice or similar experiences to share with me. My father has suffered from borderline personality disorder and depression for years, yet he was always a good provider, hard worker, and for the most part, a responsible father. However, in the past year or so, his depression has got worse and his behavior has gradually grown more eratic. This past month, my mother suspected he was having an affair with a woman he had met during one of his many business trips and confronted him. As it turns, he is having an affair with a much younger woman and he then told her that he wants a divorce after nearly 30 years of marriage. My mom believes that the reason he cheated on her was because he is mentally ill and doesn't want a divorce but will agree to it if he continues to insist. My siblings and i (all grown) don't know exactly what to do. We want to stand by our mom but we don't want to alienate our father either. He recently made some cryptic remarks which my mother interpreted as suicidal and I rushed over to see if it was true. He insisted he was doing alright but I really doubt it. As far as the divorce goes, my father is willing to give my mother all their retirement savings, but my mom doesn't want this and told him....man, its just a mess. His shrink is encouraging him to get marriage counseling but he so far has said he doesn't want to. I believe my father is a good man and that if he were in his right mind, he wouldn't divorce my mom...but, I don't know. I think his girlfriend may be pregnant and that he feels like he has do the right thing by her but what about the right thing by his wife of 30 years. This is a depressing situation for me and I'd welcome any advice/comments/similar experiences. Anyone have parents who divorced after many years of marriage?
It almost sounds like your first priority should be to save your father. You've got a lot of warning signs there; you need to reach out to him just to help him. I don't know how much can be done about the marriage until he gets some help with what sounds like some very serious issues. My thoughts are with you--good luck, and best wishes.
thanks BigRedFutbol, I'm trying to spend as much time with him as possible and encouraging to follow his psychiatrist's treatment. Hopefully that will be enough
I'm really sorry Jon. I don't have words of wisdom other than to be sure you take care of yourself too. It's too easy to neglect yourself while taking care of others. All the best to your family. Sachin
My folks - and those of my wife - are closing in on 50 years of marriage, so I can't offer insight from that close to home, but we have aunts/uncles who split after a long time. In the two cases with an affair, it took stepping back and seeing what else had been going on for years between the two of them to understand that the affair was just the most visible in a long line of lousy moments between them. You've already taken one step back to see the role of depression in this; if you look deeper or further at the relationship between your folks, some advaced example of "emotional divorce" is probably present (I notice you described your father as more or less a good provider and parent, but not, say, a loving/supportive/engaged spouse). It isn't a fun process, but it helped us come to grips with these divorces and understand that an affair might be symptomatic of something much larger and harder to get past. As Sachin wrote, best wishes to you for sure.
Believe me, I completely understand the impetus behind wanting to see ones father as a good man and attribute his behavior to emotional/mental illness. That's a "normal" response. I would never fault anyone for taking that view. But having an affair with another woman and divorcing your wife after 30 years of marriage is bad behavior. It's self-centered to the extreme. It will damage the lives of several people, and it's not likely to satisfy your dad. My father was an alcoholic. He was a good provider for a long time. I forgave him for his failings 30 years ago. But I can't call him a good man. He was very flawed. He was also the recipient of the parenting of an alcoholic father and a high achieving, very intellectual mother. I don't think my dad had much self-confidence, apart from taking a few belts from a bottle. My take on this is that you should be as patient as you can with your mom and as firm and directive as possible with your dad. There is no way to approve of his behavior. If he seems to be looking for approval, do not give it. At some point, I think you will need to forgive him. You may already want to do that. But until the storm subsides and the toll is taken, it's a bit early to talk about forgiveness, in my view. Finally, statements amounting to suicidal ideas should be taken seriously, but know this: he is guilty of wrong doing, and the part of him that wants to punish himself for his own behavior should not be told that he has no reason to want to harm himself. He has a reason, and he knows it. I'm not saying, "Go ahead and sit by while he commits suicide." I am saying that you and other siblings have a choice whether to pander to his appeal for approval or to say, "Dad, I know you feel bad about what you've done, and you should, but don't punish yourself in a way that can't be taken back. We love you. Let's go through this as a family, as best we can."
Thanks Ismitje and Royalstilton, I really appreciate your comments. They made me think hard about the underlying factors of this situation. I always knew my parents' marriage was not the best. I just didn't know to what extent...My mom told me that my dad accused her of infidelity a couple of times and tended to be a very jealous spouse. Its amazing to me that despite all this, she still wants to be married to him. She is a very religious woman so that is possibly the main reason. I agree that there was emotional divorce long before the affair. Another issue I'm having is that my father was for a long time, a very respected member of the community, (both the business community and the Brazilian expatriate community). Many people have told me that my father is an excellent moral and professional role model. Whenever I am back in town to see my parents, people always talk to me about my dad and heap alot of praise on him and ask about him...I honestly don't know how best to respond. My approach thus far has been, try to support my dad as a son concerned about his health, without giving any inkling of excusing or condoning his behavior. I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that he may not be a good man, just my flawed father.
you sound like a son a father would be very fortunate to have. a sidebar. my mom killed herself. before she died she sold some stock we had. it wasn't a lot, but appropriating it for my own use allowed me to pay cash for a car. i eventually reimbursed my brother for his share. my dad, who was in the hospital at the time, asked me about the stock. i told him what i had done. we both did some crying. he looked me straight in the eye and said, "Don't give it ( the money ) another thought." even flawed people can rise to the occasion. i would pray that your dad can see the high ground and take it.
I don't think there is such a thing as a "good" or "bad" person - only people that make good or bad decisions. If your father has redeeming qualities, then you shouldn't feel any less proud of him - despite his flaws.
there's bad and there's evil. this isn't about feeling proud of one's father. it's about dealing with a tragedy. we deal with tragedy by being honest about the factors involved. one of the factors is that the bad decisions made by his dad stand in contrast to the way people who were not affected by those decisions choose to describe him. the tension between those two realities either gets reconciled in ones mind, or there is internal conflict and dissonance. the best way to resolve the conflict is to acknowledge that the dad did damage that isn't counterbalanced by the way some people think about him. Jon doesn't have to argue with the people praising him or talk up the bad decisions. he only has to say, "i'm glad you have positive things to say about my father."
Choosing to paint his father as totally evil or totally good is the easy way out. What he needs to do is come to grips with the fact that his father can have done both good and bad. Presumably, he's struggling with the idea that his father can be both good and bad, and seeing him as one makes him feel guilty about also seeing him as the other. IMO, the best way to constructively and honestly look at his father's actions is to accept that the man is capable of doing both good and bad things. The man doesn't have to be a saint, and he doesn't have to be a devil. In this way, it is about feeling proud of his father. It's a major conflict to be proud of someone and also disagree with what they've done. But, it's possible - much in the same way it is possible to respect someone's opinions and views without agreeing with them.
in much the same way we can feel proud about something someone has done, in isolation. we can know that they are not someone to be proud of in general terms. we can honor the person's deeds that are honorable without saying that we think they were honorable in general.