Coaching your own kid

If your daughter is talented. Then why is she playing on a low level team? Is it because you are the coach of that team?

Is the other team she played on as a quest a better team then your team?

If the answers to these questions are yes.

Then it is time to let her play on a better team. Because you play better with and against better players.

You might be holding her back.

Would you be coaching if you did not have your daughters on a team?

 

With girls the social aspects are more important. The explanation for her actions is likely to be about group psychology rather than her relationship with you. Perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable standing out on a team you coach. Not standing out in a group is a very common female attitude, but not universal. There may be other players on the team holding back too. So it (holding back) may be a peer driven practice. This is just part of the baggage you inherent from their prior experiences. Teaching girls to compete and excel is not simple or easy.

I was fortunate to have some tough competitors on each of the girls teams I coached. It made it easy. I just reinforced the good play and attitude I wanted and the other girls adopted the desired behavior and attitude after they saw there was no downside to trying to win and doing your best.

 

Ok I understand that women think differently them men. Otherwise my wife would never have stayed with me for over 50 yrs. We get along better now then ever especially since my hearing is not that good anymore. So when she says something I don't like I can't hear it. I just say yes sure and we do it.

I found in general women players and people are smarter them our men players

The only work I did in the women's game was train a women's HS team skill work. I did it the same as I do men. They got very good at it because I never thought they could not do it. The boys team seeing this asked me to help them with their skill work.

Glad to hear you will still coach them if your kids were not on the team. For me it was never an issue I played and coached before I had any kids. Met my wife at a soccer field she was watching a game I was playing in. We were married 8 months later. I think she dug my legs I definately dug her's.

On playing up it never helps to play up if they are playing at a low level. It helps to play up if you are already playing at a high level just my opinion. I think the player playing up can get hurt doing that because they are playing against older kids who don't know how to tackle.

 

It all starts with your final comment Timbuck - discussing it with your daughter to see how she truly feels. It can be difficult to get the straight answer if your child wants to respond with an answer they think you want to hear but it all starts with that question of, "do you want me to coach?"

It's great that you're recognizing there may be a difference in her play based on who is coaching. Perhaps you can have her join the other team again to see if the results are similar?

Our league now has "pro sessions" with all the players being lead through drills and ssg's organized and conducted by the paid coaches and technical directors of the league. I think it's great because the players are exposed to different coaching methods/styles/techniques etc. while also learning from their peers. Does your daughter play in any pick-up games (or something similar) where you can see if she's playing more aggressively than she does when you're coaching?

Keep in mind that coaching her team or not, you can still have a huge impact on further developing those skills you've already helped foster. Maybe kicking the ball around with Dad becomes that much more fun for both of you than if she felt it was kicking the ball around with coach.

Either way great job!

 

yea, it's like rca said, the social element is huge with the females.
I have 7 girls on my team (3 boys) this year and social element may be the most important part for them.

as for me,
my boys are getting older and each of them have survived now without me coaching their team at least once.

it's been very liberating.

 

I really hate the "daddy coach" stereotype. I totally understand where it has come from, but in my opinion the upcoming generation is really the first to be a soccer generation. When I grew up playing, the coaches were parent volunteers with no background, or the occasional former college player. Now, some younger parents have a background in this sport and can certainly be useful. I have coached my older daughters team for a few years, and when we go out to a training, she is another player. Nothing more, nothing less. The only benefit she gets from me is before or after team training, or on an off day we can work on stuff. I'm coach when I'm with the team. If anything I am tougher on her than the others, because she knows what I expect.

 

I try very hard to coach everyone evenly on my son's team. I will occasionally use him as an example if it's a drill we've done together separately but he also gets called out when he does something he knows he's not supposed to do.

An example: as we were driving to our last game I talked to him about being smart with his distributions as last game he tried to impress the head coach a little too much and got himself in trouble. Halfway through the second half he tried to get tricky on a goal kick and pass clear across the penalty box to one of his backs but didn't hit it with enough pace to be safe. Normally I wouldn't say anything but we had just talked about not doing that very thing. I didn't go nuts on him, I just reminded him to be smart and not try to win the game playing out from the back.

I also take the time to pull kids to the side one-on-one to correct something or give them an idea to work on so there's never a question of favoritism. I talk to the younger kids, older kids, kids who are my son's friends, those who don't like him, all the same. It can be hard but it's the only way I know to do it.

And yes, there are times when he listens to me less than anyone else, but there are also times when one look is all it takes and he snaps right to. I try to let the latter be the lasting memories rather than the former.

 

While by no means common, I did see quite a few knowledgeable women coaching their daughter's U-Little teams during the 90's. Some school teachers and some former college players, both are great backgrounds for youth coaches. Not something I saw in the fathers coaching son's and daughter's U-Little teams. I think most of the fathers I saw were not even athletes. It is tough to teach technique if the coach doesn't know any.

 

Timbuck, in my experience as a player as a kid and as a full time coach in the US that parents who coach their own child fall into 1 of 2 categories - the one whose kid can do no wrong and the one whose kid gets slammed each and every game. It may be more subtle for some, but I think it rings true.

On the odd occasion where the parent is able to eliminate any emotional aspect towards their child at practice, for an 11 year old to do that is difficult. They will see it as Mom or Dad telling them what to do again.

A girl that played on a team that I coached was formerly coached by her Dad. He took the decision to stop so that his daughter could progress, feeling it was in her best interests. He stayed quiet during games and left all coaching to me. Even at home, any additional practice was her choice and she would work on the skills she felt necessary. She is now in the top 22 players in the southeast region and up for consideration for u14 USWNT for the fall.

I'm not saying this will happen to your daughter, but ultimately you need to make the decision on what is best for her to improve her game.

 

It's tough...my 14 yo daughter is on my team...I know there are times where she can get moody about me ("you're picking on me because I'm your kid" type of mentality) but I think it's worked well for the most part. I hope they she is realizing her full potential and nothing about me being the coach ever holds her back. She has come a long way the last year or so...so I'd like to think she is doing okay.

 

Curious when your team is short handed do you ever use her at a different position because you trust her more then the other players on the team. If so how does she feel about it.

 

Truth is that parents are a child's first coach on all aspects of life. Whether the parents are conscious of their important role in the child's life is another issue. The issue in this thread is parents coaching a team that includes their child.

I believe that if a parent is a good personal coach for their child they can also be a good team coach. The only issue in my mind is at what point in development is the child past the coaching competency level of the parent. Regardless of the coaching competency issue, exposure to multiple coaches and multiple sports is always good for player development. Unlike some unnamed politicians, I think the smarter you are the more you realize that everybody knows something that you don't know. Nobody knows everything.

One of my favorite sayings is: "Empty your cup"--You can't add water to a cup already full.

 

I did not coach his teams much. But one year I did we won the game he score all three of our goals. In the car going home I guess he thought I would praise him. His over all game in that game was very incomplete. He scored two good goals and put in rebound. I start the conversation by saying you know I did not think it was possible. He said what do you mean. I said I did not think it was possible to play such a bad game and still score three goals

 

I have boy/girl twins, been coaching them since kindergarten for the most part.

However:

I coach my son's teams, but my wife is the head coach of my daughter's teams (I fill in when she's working etc...).

My son is the more talented, has always been the best or top three best kids on the field at any time, it's been really tough because I've drilled into his skull (they're almost 14 now) that since it's easy for him, he doesn't have to learn how to work hard, eventually everyone will catch up and surpass him because they've learned to work hard. Then you're stuck where you are, left behind. We've had some really tough practices, some ending in frustration and tears.

BUT, we worked through it and now he's a really really talented player who doesn't mess around and practices (I assist his club team now) and is always peer coaching his teammates. It was hard, but you have to stick to it and keep letting them know they don't have to be the best, but they must always give their best effort every time, reminding them that today's 100% might only be 50% of yesterday's 100%, but you give what you can.

He's also very, very good at self-assessment.

My daughter, however, was more into soccer for the social aspect. It's fine, but my wife allowed it a bit much and now she's having to re-learn how to work hard and aggressively pursue her goals. Because my daughter didn't have someone managing her in the right way, she's having a difficult time now. She's physically able, but lacks the technical skills that she didn't get with the wife (they did a lot of yoga at practices). Now, when I take her out for 1-on-1 coaching, she's difficult and resistant to coaching, it's the same thing I went through with my son, but a bit worse because, you know, teenaged girl stuff.

She's terrible at self-assessment.

My advice to anyone coaching their own kiddo is: Remember, your kid is not as good as you think they are. Let them have fun learning to play, but manage boundaries; if you let your kid act like an idiot at practice, then other kids will think it's ok. Explain that to them and let them know you understand that it might seem harder, but you need THEIR help to make the team better. Enlist them as a secret coach, they'll love that. Don't expect perfect behavior, let them be kids, too. Understand that it will suck sometimes, you will want to quit, they'll want to quit, there will be tears, nobody's perfect. As long as you know what you're doing on the field and enrich their love for the game, then you're doing it right.

 

I suspect that she is testing you. Fathers sometimes don't get that girls are much more socially skilled than boys at an early age.

 

Wish I could offer advice based on what worked for me. Unfortunately my son is only 8 and so far I have faced the same issues you described without a solution. He'll work hard in practice and loves analyzing things post-practice/game. At home he's simply not interested in working on technical skills. He will play pickup games with his brother and friends. Anything that smells like practice however, and he's moving on to something else.

So I'm watching this thread for whatever insights may be shared.

Good luck and glad to hear you may have found a breakthrough with the juggling. That's awesome! Perhaps continue on that same path by showing her some cool ways to get the ball up and start juggling. I suppose anything she can then take to impress her teammates is a win.