I posted this in the MTVM thread, but it then occurred to me that I might be able to get some help here too. I hope it's not pushing out the boat too far in terms of asking for help; I am basically just in a somewhat f'ked siutation, if you read below: --- http://drop.io/ikvhzao# (you might need to click zoom a few times) OK, long story short: I have a class in production practice where we were given a task of writing a short script within a month. I however did not know this until two days ago as I have been out of college and work with what my local GP referred to as 'the worst flue he has ever seen' - thankfully it wasn't swine flu, but I've barely been able to leave the house until late last week. I bumped into a girl in my class on Sunday and she mentioned that they thought I had left the course due to not being in (my lecturer had failed to provide us with his e-mail address which hardly helped; still I should have rang or e-mailed the college itself but there's no point crying over spilt milk now). Anyway this has meant that I have had to basically churn out whatever came to mind in the last 48 hours. I have also missed out on the interactive method of collectively critiquing each others first-and-second drafts that have been doing in class over the last few weeks. There is no exam in this course, attendance & interaction counts for 20% of the course while this script is worth 80%. So basically, I cannot afford to give in a first draft as my final script or I am fairly guaranteed to fail, especially as I have written nothing in three years. So I was hoping some people could help me out here? It's only 14 pages - in format - so it won't take long to read. Be as harsh as you like, scathe it if you have to (I can't afford to be thin-skinned on this one). Just please give me a possible means for improvement or constructive elements to your criticism as well. I will forever be in debt to whomever is willing to help me out here. --- As a foreword, the film is meant to be somewhat of a farcical parody surrounding the Irish financial institutions and their irresponsibility (and ultimately, the irresponsibility of the average Irisah consumer as well). Roughly 10 years ago I remember hearing Ireland had the 18th strongest GDP in the world (and we have had north Europe's high cost of living standards for a good few years too; that may have dropped over the past 12 months mind). As a small nation with thatm uch wealth, you woudl htink that at least weathering the financial storm of the last year wouldn't be so hard, but that is not the case. After Iceland, Spain and the Latvia/Estonia/Lithuania triangle we are estimated to have taken the largest hit financial hit worldwide. Unemployment has gone from roughly 3% about two years ago, to 12.6% last month. Our government has done nothing to help this, and many financial experts such as David MacWilliams were laughed at by these politicians, and have now been proven to have had a far better idea about what to do (indeed our minister for finance had to literally call to MacWilliams' doorstep at 'the 11th hour' in secret at night; he would have been ousted had his party found out. Together they came up with a scheme that stopped our financial system from doing exactly as Iceland's did). The banks are arguably the worst of the lot, we all know the story there. One chief exec. even gave himself a £1mn bonus on the very day that the taxpayers had to bail out the banks. Ireland has basically gone from being penniless until the mid/late 90s, to hugely rich over the last 10 years, to just squandering every penny with anybody in power 'taking the money and running' and the proletariat a) accepting this because "well, you just have to vote for Fianna Fail" (the dominant party who have been in power throughout), and b) taking out insane loan and 100% fixed-rate mortgages, where the average three-bedroom suburban house in the property boom cost -at least- €700k+. Now everybody seems to be in debt, nobody can pay it off, and retailers have suffered hugely for overpricing their products (publicans too - a huge trade in Ireland - but that's what you deserve when you charge €5 for a beer). --- Anyway, I'll briefly explain one or two other localised things: Mary Harney. Awful politician, awful person. She has been at the centre of a number of expense scandals recently (including a €800k trip to America that she claims was for business, but has not commented on what exactly the 'business' was). She took over the already poorly-ran Health Ministry in 2004 and has made it far worse. It is overbloated and beurocratic beyond anybody's wildest nightmares, spending funds on excessive office workers has while hospitals are woefully understaffed and under-equipped. The banks, tax offices, etc. Far too many staff, far too much beurocracy, far too much corruption. We have bailed them out once in the last year, and it looks like we might have to again soon, while they continue to give huge bonuses, outrages salaries/pensions and whatnot, and have not had (m)any higher ups forced to retire, nor a mention of them socialising. They are a hugely faceless organisation, so I did not give their characters names. The Irish public. It infuriates me how so many people have just sat by and talked angrily about these issues, yet not acted on them. Even in a recent election at the start of the crisis Fianna Fail won by a fairly large margin. I made a point of asking people why they would vote for these people and the answers were nearly unanimous: - It's Fianna Fail, I just trust them. - There's just 'something' I don't trust about Enda Kenny (opposition leader). - They're (political parties) all the same, so why bother? - Etc, etc Basically it is hard to argue that we deserve any better when we put up with so much and despite all our bitching and moaning, actually do very little about it. This is why the protagonist (Jack) will come across something bizarre or just plain wrong, and when he questions it and does not get an answer, he will just move on. Anyway, that's it. Hopefully some people can help me out here; if there is anything else that doesn't make sense please ask! --- My main questions are: Am I revealing First Legal to soon? - As opposed to building them up as a potential mafia-like threat? What is right and wrong with the formatting? Are there many noticeable errors in the structure? - Is is too stop/startish? (e.g. a series of meetings) - If so, what could remedy this? Have I made Jack likeable enough? If not, why? - His betrayal at the end (gambling) is integral to the story though. Is the dialogue too rigid? Any advise on how to loosen it up a bit? - Could Jack's words express him better? Anything else?
I'm not remotely qualified to give feedback to a film and literature student, but good luck. Incredibly sucky situation to be in.
It's OK, I was fortunate enough that the lecturer got back to me almost immediately! Turns out he really liked it (nobody had done satire before, so it must have been a bit of a breath of fresh air) but gave me some fairly minor adjustments to make nonetheless - nothing huge, some 'flat' dialogue, one or two formatting issues, etc. I got them done, sent him a second draft, and he gave me some real nitpicky stuff to adjust... and I just finished it earlier today! I have to print it off now to make sure I didn't mess anything up while redrafting and to check for typos, grammatical errors, etc (not sure why, but I have a tendency to just scan over things when reading them on a computer screen) and I will be able to get it in tomorrow. I have to polish off an essay for a different class as well though so it looks like a fun night with my good friends Red Bull, coffee & tobacco... but oh well; college, I missed you!