You might be a Republican if. . .

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit...

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You spent MLK Day reading "The Bell Curve."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the "liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You've ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.

You think all artists are gay.

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

You think HMO is a cable channel.

You support a waiting period for abortions but not for gun purchases.

You believe the "greenhouse effect" means better gardens.

You think deregulation of the airline industry has been successful.

You believe God is everywhere - except your motel room.

Liberal applies to the amount of scotch in your glass, and moderate to the water.

The only "gay" you support - is the Enola Gay.

You believe judges have become political activists - except for the Supreme Court.

You believe trial lawyers are evil except in the case of the 2000 election.

You believe the NRA contributes more to American life than the NEA.

You think banks and the government should keep your private financial records for years but have no right to keep gun purchase data for more than 24 hours.

You believe a free press can not only be bought, but can also be profitable.

You believe censorship is included in the First Amendment.

You believe global warming is an advertising campaign by Coppertone.

You believe money is free speech.

You think death and taxes should only apply to the middle-class and poor.

You support caps on jury awards but not on corporate energy price gouging.

You see Monopoly as not just a board game but as good business for America.

You think of reality TV as Fox News.

 

Karl Keller feels sorry for you because the liberals called you evil.