Baseball fans, here's your chance to let your favorite big leaguers know how you feel about them. They like to get feedback from the fans, y'know. I have a few that I'd like to commend on doing good jobs, or would like to ask questions of but probably won't ever meet in person. So this is our chance to do just that. I think when we get enough letters, we can send them off to the players - as a show of support for what they do to us baseball fans. I'll start. Dear Ryan Dempster, You're one hell of a great pitcher. I gotta congratulate you on getting the first four batters you faced out tonight. And hurling a one-hitter is pretty amazing, too. Well done, Mr. Pride of the Reds Rotation. A couple of suggestions, though; Next time, let's not just settle for only getting four batters out. And maybe it would be a good idea to not have six earned runs through the 1 1/3 innings you managed to stick around for while tossing that one-hitter. Oh, and six walks in one third of an inning, while an unbelievable accomplishment, is not something to strive for. You suck. Your friend, Amerifolklegend
Dear Sean Casey, I know that you're a beloved player here and your hitting isn't all that bad most of the time, but I gotta ask you; Do you actually line your baseball cleats with lead? I just can't think of any other way a grown human could be that slow. Seriously, is that how you manage to drop yourself down to a snail's pace in an all-out sprint? I mean, geeze, cinder blocks roll uphill faster than you can run to first base. I've seen continental drifts swifter than you. I have a bag of sand that can out run you in the 40 yard dash. Do you think that by spending ten minutes readjusting your batting stance after every pitch like you're some sort of baseballian Sergio Garcia, that we won't notice that it takes you 27 seconds to run 90 feet when you finally do manage to get a hit? Oh, and on a related note, you were the one responsible for getting Matt Stairs signed to the Reds, right? That way you'll have a running partner in Spring Training? That must be it. Your friend, Amerifolklegend.
Dear Chad Fox: Thanks (not) for blowing two wins for Pedro. To quote Edge, you're like a vaccuum cleaner. You manage to suck and blow at the same time. Jackoff. No Cheers, Jeff
Dear Mike Hampton: I hope you get your confidence back now that you are being paid not to pitch your home games at 5280 feet above sea level. And I hope the schools in suburban Atlanta are as good as they were in Evergreen, CO. Or maybe I don't. Beware of treadmills you flaming jackass. You sucked in Colorado and you suck now. No Cheers, Jeff
dear mo vaughan, here is some advice for you: 1) get away from the fridge 2) get on treadmill 3) repeat
Dear Pat Burrell, Remember when you got drafted and your nickname was Pat the Bat? I remember because I thought to myself, holy crap the Phillies will have a legitimate power hitter! How naive I was! In order to be a power hitter one of the first goals should be making contact with the baseball. Unfortunately you seem to be morally opposed to that (in the same way that J.(is for jerkoff)D.(Dickhead?) Drew was morally opposed to signing for less than his worth when we drafted him. Your 36 k's so far this season have been a studying influence on so many young pitchers. Should the Tigers come here this season, I'm sure they could gain confidence by throwing the ball by "Pat the Bat", apparently it isn't very difficult. Maybe you can be Rheal Cormier's budy and he can gain confidence by pitching batting practice for you, or maybe we could trade you both and get a leadoff hitter who makes contact more than Jimmy Rollins. -hang
Dear Peter Angelos: You are more than correct in assuming that if the DC area gets a baseball team the Orioles will suffer. I for one won't want to make the trip up the parkway to see a substandard team like the Orioles. Please use all the means at your disposal to fight a team coming to DC. The last thing the citizens of DC want or need is a new baseball stadium Sincerely the Citizens of the District of Columbia ps....now if you would like to help us build a soccer specific stadium for our local team, DC United, we would be eternally grateful.
Dear Norm Charlton, You stupid old bastard. Please, please, please, hang 'em up. Thankyou. Your friend and fervent admirer, Rich
Dear Detroit Tigers, How can you really expect people to accept you as actual professional athletes when you can't even manage a .120 winning percentage? Good heavens, guys, that's pathetic. Come back and talk to me when you can get that percentage up to a much more respectable number like .125 like us good teams can get. Love, Amerifolklegend: Bengals fan.
Turk Wendell, This is out of character for me, since I am a Philly fan. We don't heap praise on people too often, we are much more comfortable bitching ana moaning. And really since you came to the Phils in a trade your level of sucktitude has fit our need to bitch perfectly. You were terrible when you came on over and blew quite a few leads. We booed like hell, I was convinced you were still pitching for the Mets. But yet somehow you sucked even more for us. You even gave us a one finger salute after showing Ryan dempster levels of ineptitude. Sure it pissed me off, but it was very phillyesque and almost made me wanna see you succed Then last night, outta nowhere, you did. Getting us outta a bases loaded no out jam in the 8th inning. So you finally succeeded and now I don't feel any pity anymore for you at all. And if you stop succeeding I will be the first to boo your ex-cub/ex-met ass off the mound. Cause deep down inside we both know you still suck, after all you were a met and all ex-mets suck (with the exception of Philly Hero Lenny Nails Dykstra of course). So whatever juice, or goo, or sandpaper you put on that ball last night...keep doing it and don't get caught. Thanks hang
Dear Jim Bowden, I am continually amazed at your fantasy-baseball-like love affair with outfielders, especially those named Ruben. I believe you are on to something by insisting that every trade you make result in at least one additional outfielder being added to the roster. Since he's probably available on the cheap, could you please sign Deion Sanders again? Also, since you have an in with him, could you please tell Carl Lidner that UDF struggles. Thanks, buddy, I owe you. Sincerely, Flyer Fan
Jose Mesa, Thanks pal. Last night I wasn't sure if I wanted gin when I got home from work. I just sat watching ESPN news and then saw the Phils had taken a 4-3 lead in the 10th inning against the Padres, and then minutes later I saw you blew the save. I proceeded to enjoy my gin. Then I realized, "holy crap, this guy is our closer for the rest of the season." I poured another. It tasted good. Without the frustration and fear that you will ruin what could be a great Phillies season I woulda never enjoyed that gin last night. But since the Phils are paying you over 3 million to blow saves I'll be sending you the bill for a seasons supply of Bombay Saphire. Whats a couple bucks between friends right. And oh yeah, screw you. -hang
This is as far as I got before I started laughing. At least with Dempster FlyerFan and I know from the get-go that he sucks. He steps on the mound and there's no doubt in anyone's mind that he'll be down five runs by the third inning. Mesa is a whole nother world of suck. He builds up a false sense of security in you over a couple of seasons by being alright and getting out of some tough jams. Then, just when he thinks you have faith in him he goes and stabs you in the back - repeatedly - with a rusty dagger - that's dipped in salt - and vinegar.
Dear Dick Jacobs, You are obviously a financial genius - what with how you handled the Indians ball club for the few years you had it. Though your reasons were strictly for monitary gain, what you did was nothing short of brilliance. You single-handedly brough a team from obscurity and futility to one of the most amazing team of the 90s. Sure, they suck now, but at least they had a nice run of 5 or 6 years. I admire your plan and your sticktoitivness. With that, I am asking - nay, begging - you to come to Cincinnati and work your wonders with the Reds. It would be an extremely easy job, really. We are already spending millions on players that have no right playing T-ball. I know that you could take that money, add some of your own, buy players of actual worth, and make this team into a contender for a short while. With a new stadium already build, you don't even need to worry about investing the kind of cash you did with Cleveland. And best of all, after 6 years, you would may more than double your investment. It's really a no-brainer. Think it over, big guy. Thanks, Amerifolklegend. P.S. - if you're having a hard time wondering if this is a good idea, how bout this: I'll personally give you $100 cash for your efforts when you purchase the oldest team in baseball. That way, if all else fails, you know you at least made a hundred bucks in the deal. I know that's not a lot to you, but think of it as a gesture of good will from the fine folks of SouthEast Ohio.
Dear Ryan Dempster, According to MLB's official rule book, the strike zone is defined as follows: "The STRIKE ZONE is that area over home plate the upper limit of which is a horizontal line at the midpoint between the top of the shoulders and the top of the uniform pants, and the lower level is a line at the hallow beneath the knee cap. The Strike Zone shall be determined from the batter's stance as the batter is prepared to swing at a pitched ball. (For diagram of STRIKE ZONE see page 23.)" I think it would be in your best interest to refer to the referenced diagram as I believe you have things reversed. Thanks, man. As always, your friend, Flyer Fan
Pat Burrell and Jim Thome, I'd like to offer congrads to you guys for challenging the .400 mark this late into the season. COMBINED the two of you are hitting a monsterous .432. Not since George Brett's run at .400 has a nation been so engulfed in the heroics at the plate. As you head into the dog days of summer perhaps I can make a suggestion that will help to ensure that your quest at .400 continues. Perhaps you could stand on opposite sides of the batters box and swing away. Chances are one of you would make contact, and if not the strikeout totals of retreads like Miguel Batista could double! Imagine the excitement. And perhaps if neither of you hits the ball (though it's hard to imagine that happening since Thome's .237 and Burrells .205 combine to an ungodly .432) maybe you will wack eachother in the knees and put eachother on the DL. Maybe then We could get Ricky Leddee a solid starting spot in the outfield, and possibly the Phillie Phanatic at first. Crowds love that goofy green mascot. As always, go Phils and best of luck. Anticipating history, hang
Dear Ryan Dempster, Thanks to ESPN.com's Jayson Stark I learned an interesting statistic about you. Against Colorado when you imploded in the second inning and allowed seven runs on one hit, you were the first pitcher to accomplish this grand achievement since...yourself (October 5, 2001 v. Atlanta). That, my friend, is consistency. Good luck to you. Your friend, Flyer Fan
Dear Baltimore Orioles, mmm, mmmha, mmmmhahhaha BBBWWWAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAHHHAAAA (coughs, chokes, wipes tear from eye) Sincerely The Detroit Tigers