The New 2004 Kit Review!!! (Smiting Ugliness and Tackiness since 2002)

Discussion in 'Russia, Ukraine, Belarus, & the former Soviet Repu' started by Shurik, Nov 16, 2004.

  1. Shurik

    Shurik New Member

    Nov 2, 1999
    Baltimore, MD
    And so, it is time for all good things to come to an end.

    As aunt Tamara awakens from her post New Year's bender sleep, she is ready to slap the marks on the last of the participants of our little costume show.
    Please to come to aunt Tamara, looks straight in eye and no screaming when aunt Tamara breethe out the fumes.

    Rotor Volgograd, the venerable ManU vanquishers of yore, shall exit RPL and may indeed be folded and forgotten before the next season starts. They shall be remembered, if though primarily for that horrid kit they wore in 1996. Anyway, time to see what they have done with blue and white this time.

    The primary white:
    The secondary blue:

    * The script alone deserves full grades, but the blue kit is spoiled slightly by the ugly back stripes. Overall, a 7.5
    * The traditional, classic, Stalingrad kit would be all-blue, but white has been the primary color since 2001. The club stays with the traditional blue and white colors, in spite of the fans' best efforts to change them to blue and sky blue, but blue really should come back as the primary. Still, only a half-point deduction, since white has become a tradition in its own right.
    * The club has been wearing the "ROTOR" letters accross the chest for about 15 years now, which is commendable, good looking and leaves no space for an ugly sponsor logo. A full point is issued.
    * The kid is slightly worse than last year's, which was a bit cleaner. Half a point off.
    * Nothing else to comment on, really. The club stuck with their primary colors, wearing white in about 70% of the matches, they didn't experiment with shorts ans socks combos, they didn't have "winter kits" and they completely stunk on the pitch.

    So, we have a decent 7.5, which is as big a consolation as Volgograd fans can hope for now. Not that they need much consolation, really:
  2. gaijin

    gaijin New Member

    Aug 1, 2004

    Well all good come things must come to an end.

    Pretty much aside from the disaster going on at Rotor, this could be a long and fond farewell - especially if the debt collectors are gathering at the door like the perennial wolves they are.

    * Well, once again - Russia proves to be the central hub of Umbro activity - so much so, that it should be called the Umbro league. Ambramovich's claws have dug deep it seems. Plus one point for its very sleek and polished look (as always.) But minus half a point for it being Umbro. Thankfully had this been posted several weeks early - I would have suffered a bizarre form of a sponsporship aneurysm resulting in all the bad blood shooting out of my ears.

    * There's no sponspor at Rotor (that's good!) But it has "Rotor" emblazened on the front (that's bad!) But its been there a while (that's good!) Overall I'll give it plus two points - for lack of sponspor and not ruining the shirt overall.

    * Simple colours, simple scheme - in a nutshell....... simple. Plus one point.

    Hence a really well deserved - 8.5

    farewell beloved Rotor.......[cue rainy walk into the distance] I'll be buying Sam......

    btw: Shurik, why the hell did you go and invade the pitch? Vodka and loneliness just doesn't mix...

    Looks like there's only one thing left to do - "Dancing Banana" time!!!....

  3. Shurik

    Shurik New Member

    Nov 2, 1999
    Baltimore, MD
    Ah, well... Here are the final results (last year's standing in parentheses)

    1. (12) Dinamo Moscow - Both ganu and myself heartily agree: when you go for retro, you cannot lose. With a grade of 9.5 the Garbagemen stop just short of perfection due to the sponsor's logo, but the old-fashioned D is so ever hard to beat. The Fashion Gold Medal is a just reward for the ability to recognize what was right and wrong with last year's clothes and trimming the fat properly.
    2. (4/6) Spartak Moscow - Brigning back The Stripe pulls the usually-stylish Meat into the silver medal standing with 9 points. Write it in your notebooks, kids: retro wins. Of course, ganu was unable to recognize The Stripe's sublime beauty and his 3.5 mark together with the blatantly blasphemous Boro reference are duly striken from the public memory.
    3. (11) Alania Vladikavkaz - The Caucausus was always known for unusual fashion customs (did you know that it's shameful for a man to be seen in public without his dagger?), so a bit of color is always forgivable. But you have to know where to simplify and the Moustachioed Ones have finally figured it out. My 8.5 points reflect the utmost objectivity, while the extra half-point lavished upon the Anals by ganu probably shows his bias to the Caucausian drinking traditions.
    4. (4/6) Moskva Moscow - Staying simple and two-tone makes you boring yet safe. Besides, Hector Bracamonte's haircut provides for all the color one needs. I gave the Luzhkov Troops 8 points, while ganu was excited enough to make it a 9, which served as a tie-breaker with Saturn.
    5. (7/8) Saturn Ramenskoye - More simplicity, but too many shirts. 8 points given by both of us, relaying the general message: okay, not bad, next.
    6. (3) Rotor Volgograd - The sixth place was always considered the "pits" of Soviet and Russian standings since it would usually put the team just out of the European contention. I bet Volgograd would've sold its collective soul for this place right about now. It's too bad we won't see those simple blue/white shirts with the "ROTOR" insignia for a while. My 7.5 points reflect dissatisfaction with silly Umbro stripes, but ganu gave them 8.5, breaking the tie with Zenit.
    7. (14/16) Zenit St. Petersburg - More Umbro silliness but Aunt Tamara like her baby blue. Fashion relegation last year gave the Culturals a much-needed kick in the buns, producing the curren respectable 7.5-point effort. Ganu was almost as enthused, giving them a 7.
    8. (13) Rostov - For this club, with its long standing tradition of the most horrifying kits in Russian football, being boring is a complement. Once again, however, too many shirts and too many combinations hurt the grade. Both I and ganu agreed on a 7.
    9. (2) Rubin Kazan - Just as their performance on the pitch, their kit has taken a nosedive in '04, largely thanks to sticking a sponsor logo on it and switching from Nike to Adidas with the latter's inane mesh designs. I gave it a 6, while ganu was less disgusted with the insurance company logo and settled on a 7.
    10. (-) Kuban Krasnodar - This generic Umbro crap earns a 5.5 from me and a 6.5 from the Umbro compatriot ganu, which breaks the tie with Shinnik.
    11. (9/10) Shinnik Yaroslavl - 5.5 points is a step down, and frankly you have to work on it to make blue-black stripes look bad. But this is what you get for copying Chelsky.
    12. (7/8) Krylya Sovetov - Once again, the Wings get bitch-slapped for underusing a beautiful kit in favor of an ugly one. This time the punishment is harsher - 5 points instead of 7.5 is the final grade. Ganu was easier on the wearers of mouse-gray and went with 7.
    13. (14/16) Lokomotiv Moscow - Their taste in kits is always tragic, but last year they at least stayed away from the downright embarassing. It's appropriate, considering they had a championship to win in these threads. My grade was 5 and ganu's more general 6 wasn't able to pull them in front of the Wings.
    14. (-) Amkar Perm - Avoiding relegation is all a newcomer can hope for, but generic Adidas crap will often land you 3 points. Ganu felt compelled to give them 4.5, which wouldn't change the standings much.
    15. (4/6) CSKA Moscow - Okay, that's probably is WAY TOO LONG we wore decent stuff, they thought. The result? Relegation. Though ganu gave them 5 points, I feel that my 2 reflects reality better.
    16. (1) Torpedo Moscow - How do you do this? How do you go from the best kit in 2003 to the worst kit ever? Raping retro will do that. Minus-5 was way to high, if you ask me, but ganu gave them a whole 0.
  4. gaijin

    gaijin New Member

    Aug 1, 2004
    I'm sorry, the Spartak kit was horrible, if you want to go retro then don't do it half-arsed. Dinamo went the 100% whole hog and won.

    As for next years cavalcade of misery, I just can't wait to bash the monstrosity that Loko will model this year.

    It reminds of a young child with a wet paint brush.

    Okay, we wear red and green now son, red and green........okay.........okay...... easy on the gr..........oops.........erm. :eek:

    Nicely done, son. :rolleyes:

    I guess I just don't want to spoil Adidas' feelings really. Could be worse, they could be wearing Umbro

    .....................*sighs*........jesus. :(
  5. Shurik

    Shurik New Member

    Nov 2, 1999
    Baltimore, MD
    Yes, we will end it with a sneak preview of 2005 clothing lines.

    It seems that Torpedo are in a hurry to rehabilitate their fashion catastrophe of last year. They will likely succeed in doing so, despite choosing generic (and outdated) Umbro crap.
    This will make them very difficult to distinguish from Moskva, unless the latter evetually do follow on their promise (more like threat) to use Kelme kits this year. Nothing like emulating FC Santa-Coloma, the Andorran champions, to earn some respect.
    Lokomotiv's taste in kits remains heart-rippingly tragic, as this time they deside not only to splash green heavily on their red shirts, but also to do it in illogical places of the human anatomy. Those spikey stripes on the back of short legs may just earn them a negative grade this year.
    Unfortunately, Zenit appear to have fallen for the same crappy Adidas design. So much for high culture, as these threads make them look like rather desperate prostitutes.
    CSKA's new Umbro kits are basically the same as last year, except much more ugly. They liked painting their arses so much, they now do it in the home kit too. It will take a major effort by the likes of Rostov to dislodge the Horses from a spot in the relegation train.
    Spartak toyed with greatness last year and decided that looking good is a luxury they can't afford. A tremendous amount of Nike silliness is promised to be lavished upon Meat fans this year.
    Dinamo, on the other hand, seem to know what's good for them as they apparently will stay with the retro kit. However, the new sponsor logo (Xerox) is of the wrong color, which may hurt the grade.

    Aunt Tamara shall retire in 2005 and her replacement will be chosen sometime in the near future. Standartenfuhrer Stirlitz is among the qualified applicants.
  6. Zenit

    Zenit Moderator
    Staff Member

    Jun 3, 2000
    Above the Tear Line
    Zenit St Petersburg
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    About time we had a Shtirlitz thread here!
  7. ZenitintheUK

    ZenitintheUK Member

    Mar 17, 2005

    Note Saturn's new away kit. Which, naturally, they showed off in the first home game of the season:

    Yes, for one season only, this previously unheralded small Russian team are: Argentina. At least you can't say they lack chutzpah. However, whilst Saturn may have a number of Argentinian players, I don't think there's any excuse for nicking a classic kit off another side. Still, if it is only an away kit.... God knows what the Brazilians there think of it though.

    Shurik's comments on the other kits are more or less spot on. Moskva have clearly taken note of the need to distinguish themselves from Torpedo, Torpedo themselves have done much better, and I'd put them back in the top three, Dinamo's is indeed ruined by the sponsor's logo (in fact, it would be ruined by any sponsor's logo), Spartak have got rid of the stripe, and the only possible improvement is that Lukoil's oildrop is now white, not black. CSKA's looks even worse when someone's actually wearing it. Rostov are still Rostov, but I don't they think look that bad. Loko's is just silly -it reminds me of a wrapper for a really sickly boiled sweet, probably synthetic apple flavoured. Unfortunately, the Neva boys have fallen into the same trap. As have Tom', whose kit is, indeed, strikingly similar to Zenit's.
    Kyrlya's shirt numbers are clearly done to help short-sighted referees:
    Amkar's is all right, although for some reason it reminds me more of a hockey shirt.
    Unless Shinnik have brought out something awesome, I'd give the top spot to Alania.

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