The New 2004 Kit Review!!! (Smiting Ugliness and Tackiness since 2002)

gaijin · Nov 25, 2004

meta4 said:

i think i shall openly admit my defeat in this conversation...

but moving on, did you all hear about semine coaching the NT team now? and loko getting a new coach. I've heard alot of rumors from insiders,
mainly being of cska - they are supposedly going to try to purchase the zenit trio, karyaka, and get rid of 5 of the russians, (gusev, semak, ignasevich, etc)
and get this - LOSKOV moving to dinamo!, this one i realllly doubt due to semine releasing a list saying he is selling wagner, nigmatulin, and three others which i forget.
Click to expand...

Semin for the NT? no, no and NO! I want him safely at the helm of Loko. We all remember when Romantsev's spell as national coach went sour, it affected the club as well. Karyaka could well be on the move, but UEFA cup football is at the Wings so I mean - would he want to leave? The guy who will be watched is Kerzha, thanks to his goalscoring in the UEFA cup.

Semak is arguably one of the horses best players. Couldn't see Ignasevich going....

Loskov to Dinamo? I would never do what Ignasevich did.....If were to move he should go abroad, crazy as that would seem. Nigamatullin's departure is a shame, because I think its time for him to take over the no1 jersey at the club.

EDIT: This is from the local press-spuzhba, no? George Wagner, Maksim Buzhnikin, James Obriah, Ruslan Nigmatullin and Ruslan Pinemov are the players mentioned. Can we believe this? I never believe the press.

Anyways lets stick the subject at hand.......

Forza Moskva · Nov 25, 2004

if semine leaves there is a rumour that the coach of shinnik will become loko's coach, his name escapes me but he is a very good coach, a year ago with cska he finished last after 15 rounds. BUT! wait! the 2nd half he didnt lose a single game, he won 14 and tied one, all time best result, and finished 2nd to loko(and this is with pre-54 million cska), so even if semine leaves we will have a good replacement.

gaijin · Nov 25, 2004

meta4 said:

if semine leaves there is a rumour that the coach of shinnik will become loko's coach, his name escapes me but he is a very good coach, a year ago with cska he finished last after 15 rounds. BUT! wait! the 2nd half he didnt lose a single game, he won 14 and tied one, all time best result, and finished 2nd to loko(and this is with pre-54 million cska), so even if semine leaves we will have a good replacement.
Click to expand...

meta, to stop Shurik from getting pissed off, just start a new thread about this - then we can talk about it there. Okay.

Shurik · Nov 29, 2004

An infinitely wise move that has undoubtedly saved some asses from being gotten medeval upon.

Aunt Tamara wake up from Thanksgiving binge and give review of Amkar Perm soon.

Shurik · Dec 2, 2004

Aunt Tamara go to Perm once to visit uncle Volodya. Ah, what favors prison guards won't make for bottle of homebrew.

Anyway, on to the task at hand. Come here, you little Komi-Permyak bastards, let's see what you are wearing for your debut.

Amkar Perm

How convenient to have this posted on the club website, huh?

All white was generally worn as the primary kit (the only exception was the May Day home match when they wore white shirts, blue shorts and red socks: the national flag colors).
Red shirts, white shorts and red socks was the secondary kit.
Blue was never worn except for the May Day match.

* In a word, ugly. I still think it's a disgrace that a team wearing this Adidas horror was allowed to win Euro2004 and if this didn't look good on Greeks, it certainly doesn't look good on the Permyaks. Bad, bad, stuff. I give it a very generous 4.
* Minus 2 points for blatant disregard of traditions. Amkar's colors are red and black and they normally wear striped kits. Why did they make the decision to go with red and white this year? No doubt to save money, as generic Adidas crap was only available in this combination. Shameful.
* No sponsor logos and I will give them a point for putting "Permskiy Kray" on the back of the shirt. Regionalizing is the newest craze nowadays and putting the region's name on the shirt sure beats renaming the club.
* Nothing much to say here. Since this is their RPL debut, I can't compare the trends.

Overall, a 3

Well, they avoid relegation both on the pitch and on the catlwalk and it's all you can expect from debutantes anyway.

Shurik · Dec 9, 2004

Usually ganu, the Yang to my Ying that he is, is quick with his reply, but I guess that Perm really didn't interest him that much. Oh well, back South we go.

Rostov Rostov-na-Donu, the city so nice they named it twice. And added some more.
Let's see what the Dean Emeritus of the Ugly Uniform Univercity has given us this time.

Well, there are two sets of kits, as usual. The summer kits (worn for the most of the season) are below:

The primary blue:

The secondary yellow:

Shurik · Dec 9, 2004

And here is the winter kit (used early and late in the season, when long sleeves were needed)

The primary blue (also used with yellow socks):

The secondary yellow (sometimes used with blue shorts):

* The summer blue and the winter yellow are the same kit with the colors reversed. Nothing terribly wrong with it except for the "where? here?" stripes on the back. The summer yellow is alright, but the winter blue is atrocious. Overall, a 7 for looks alone.
* Blue and yellow are the club colors and they didn't even use the usual alternate white this year. I will give them a point for breaking away from one tradition: consistently choosing the absolute ugliest kit Umbro has to offer.
* No sponsor logos. Schweet.
* Okay, here is a team that just keeps sending my head spinning. They constantly have more shirts/shorts combinations than any team in the league, they always have different strips for summer and winter and this season they had to go and split the standard Umbro kit (with the stripes on the back) where blue is used in the summer and yellow in the winter. In addition to that they took shirts from two different Umbro kits to fill out the lineup, including an outdated one (the winter blue) and mismatched the shorts. This is just too damn cruel! One point off!

Overall, a 7, which is probably the best their kit has ever been graded.

gaijin · Dec 9, 2004

Hey, I've been in Paris watching PSG get beat by the horses. The minute this football thing dies down then I'll try and upset you with flagrant and completely random nonsense.

nah, sod it - I'm in the mood for love (erm in a fashion sense that is.)

So onwards with this season's winter collection.

Amkar (Blue rinse) Perm

* Double vision!, have I seen this before - are my eyes decieving me? Have they used the same Adidas supplier. This kind of envokes memories, some that preside to this very day of teenage mothers carrying their children dressed in the exact same natty track-suit top. Not a good look. Read chav; nah screw that - second class chav. I don't care who started it, or who bought what first, but get some originality pls! Minus 2 points.

* Red/Blue/White......variate when need be. Ah come on. This is just to predictable. Its like you'vve gone to the effort and wasted your chance. What was their only those colours left? Still red and white - can't complain. Overall - half a point deduction.

* Still - adidas - good brand and solid kits despite the trend over looking really generic. Plus one point.

* No Logo? - Hey that's a good thing in my book....plus one point.

meh, a fairly average - 4.5

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Ahhhhhh.......Rostov (lol - )

* Well first off, yellow and blue are really obscure colours but in all honesty it is a refreshing combo to pull off and to see in the RPL nowadays. 2 points.

* Again changing kits (damn this summer league) Big no-no - minus 1 point.

* No sponsor? - are you trying to gain my favour? Plus 1 point.

* Long sleeve shirt is really nice, kinda looks like the Sweden kits; Umbro shirts as always are sharp and are highly professional in their look. Plus one point.

* The main gripe I have is that the kits are just too darn nice and they kinda spoil it by changing them over and messing about with the combos. The all blue/yellow is nice - but why the need for which looks best? These shirts with this shirt or that coat with her hat. STICK TO ONE FRIGGIN SYSTEM. Phew, I lost my head just there. Minus 1 point.

Damn, a relaxed and very well-earned - 7

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Let me guess - garbagemen time? woop de doo.....Actually the tits-up with Yukos could work out in their favour. We will wait and see.

my name is rainman...............

Shurik · Dec 9, 2004

Ah, every time Aunt Tamara go to take out garbage in that rusty old bucket Uncle Volodya once filled to the edges with his hangover vomit Aunt Tamara remember Uncle Petya, our neighborhood militiaman. They say cops don't know romance. Petya boy once framed Uncle Volodya for armerd robbery (which Uncle Volodya actually did commit, though Petya don't know) so he and Aunt Tamara can be together. "Ah, Aunt Tamara," Petya say, "you sure know how to do your pork."
What he hell you stare at, little punk? Come and show Aunt Tamara your dirty little costume.

Dinamo Moscow

The primary white:

The secondary blue:

* Well, I have already voiced my opinion on this retro-style kit when the Garbage unveiled it last year as a late-season alternate. It was absolutely gorgeous, yet completely spoiled by the ugly YUKOS logo smack between the tits. Well, the kit itself is still gorgeous. Easily a 10.
* White and blue are the colors and white is usually preferred. However, the Garbage did have a spell during the season when they wore mostly blue. Such indesision is punished, though not too severely. Half a point down.
* A full point down for the FEDCOM logo, which is a small improvement on YUKOS. Another half-point for YUKOS' continued obnoxious presense on the sleeve.
* One and a half points up for a HUGE improvement over last year when horrible Diadora crap was worn.

Which, basically, means we have a winner: 9.5

The Garbage score big points with the venerable Aunt Tamara for reviving the fashions of the 50s (ah, Aunt Tamara's vocational school days!) and bringing back the gorgeous D. Getting rid of the sponsors would qualify this for the fashion hall of fame.
Too bad the stuff that was inside these kits was still Garbage.

ProfZodiac · Dec 9, 2004

You needed to dock another point for the ugly shorts numbers.

Shurik · Dec 9, 2004

Shorts numbers are required in RPL.

Shurik · Dec 10, 2004

Do you remember the old Soviet days? Sure you do, silly!
Oh, the Victory Day parade, the Young Pioneers war games, that one time Grocery Store No. 50 on Thirty-Year-Anniversary-of-Komsomol Street had cheese, and the great ethnically-exclusive football clubs in the USSR Top League.
You would never find an Ararat player whose name wouldn't end in "yan" and Dinamo Tbilisi had the highest moustache-to-man ratio this side of the Iraqi national team.
Well, those times are gone but you can bring the magic back with the help of Alania Vladikavkaz, the erzats Tbilisi for today's hectic lifestyles. But hurry, due to an imminent relegation this is a limited-time offer!

The primary stripes:

The secodary white:

* Alania has changed its name back (they were Spartak-Alania last season) and brought back the old logo, but the kit has stayed absolutely the same. I gave it a 7.5 last year, so it's 8 now, thanks to the logo (Spartak-Alania's was horrendous, as it represented a puma playing with a ball twice its size) and the fact they no longer use two different kinds of white shorts.
* Red and yellow are club colors and the stripes were clearly the preferred kit, so no points taken off here.
* Unlike last year, red socks are worn most of the time instead of the traditional white. There is nothing wrong with that per se and the fact that less shorts/socks combinations are used is a plus.
* No sponsor logo. Schweet.
* I took half a point off for the logo and name change last year, I put it back on this year.

Overall, we've got an 8.5

Sometimes there is nothing wrong with sporting yesterday's clothes. Alas, the most colorful club in Russian football may wind up in the dumps after 2005.

gaijin · Dec 10, 2004

Damn, I actually agree with Shurik! (was that a pig flying past the window, erm....never mind.)

Dinamo Moskva

Yeah, I liked the fact that the incredibly horrible Yukos logo was removed. And magically been replaced with the Fedcom logo (the one which gracefully adores the shirts of les monegasques.) Sadly if I was able to deduct points for the most slushy and sentimental "crap" ever seen - it would go to the "congratulations" that the Dinamo club gave to Monaco on getting to the CL final. "ugh, get a room guys, please!"

* So of course for a saving grace with the sponspor - they get a big fat 2 points.

* Damn! The retro look is like....so in! I really like the collars of this shirt, it kinda looks like those classic Brazil kits - minus Tostao and the yellow and green of course. Plus another point for heading me into a time-warp.

* Understatements of the year don't come to mind when you think of the Garbagemen, but heck - this shirt manges to achieve greatness with some sort of paradoxial proportions. It looks really quaint and doesn't sell itself, but it is this very point which makes it marketable. All over Russia, philosophers with nothing better to do are conducting investigations into the almost near faultless teleological vibes that this shirt gives off. World peace, end to hunger in the world, cure for AIDS. It has it all! Okay then, maybe not, but I still think it rocks. Plus two more points for aesthetic beauty...

* Despite the sponsporship change, Yukos still has a presence. Damn it! Go away! Minus one point for actually allowing this - big no-no, I don't want it, even on the sleeves where I can't see it.

* Diadora have actually pulled their s***t up to an amazing standard recently. I would say fair game on actually trying it, but they pulled it off and defied me. Otherwise, this would usely be the difference between success and failure. Plus one point for this.

* I really don't know what to make of the the size of the clubs badge. Is it too big?, is it too traditional?. Overall its somewhere in the middle and for that I have to give an extra half a point. Christ I could swear that was Bobrov with the ball!

In a Dinamo-Monaco sex romp moment - I also give a 9.5

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Alania Vladikavkaz

* Oh dear, not Umbro! More to the point, not Umbro from like 3 years ago! Come on guys get your act together. Minus a point, BUT plus half a point for not doing the Chelsea route.

* mmmmmm. Red, yellow and White. Very unusual to say the least, but I likes it. The home shirt is very nice and doesn't for a striped shirt over complicate itself. The away shirt ditto. One thing yhat impresses me is that they have a polished look (as always with Umbro) and it looks really sharp and bold. Plus two points.

* No logo! yes! You get one point.

* Yeah, the club/logo thing was a fart on, but it looks understated and doesn't mes up the shirt, yet it somehow manges to stay in the clolur scheme (to a certain extent.) Half a point here.

omg....I really liked this but in the end the retro look of Dinamo wins over just by a few minor technical points (such as the generic Umbro thing.) I'm gonna say....a really proud 9

Next up is the relegated boys?, or not relegated or whatever the hell is going on!

Shurik · Dec 10, 2004

Shurik said:

Nikita Simonyan going for a header against Lev Yashin, circa 1950s

Click to expand...

Check out the shirt trim, the logo and the short ornament. This stuff has been in business since the 30s. From what I hear Dinamo actually paid Diadora lots of extra dosh to make it up to the custom specs. Huge kudos!

Bobrov a Garbageman?!!! Ohmegosh, a certain Air Force pilot is turning in his grave now. You probably meant Beskov.

BTW, red, yellow and white are the colors of the North Ossetia flag, which makes the Alania kits even more commendable. It's not easy to pull this off.

Kuban and Rotor to waive their goodbyes next.

gaijin · Dec 10, 2004

Shurik said:

Check out the shirt trim, the logo and the short ornament. This stuff has been in business since the 30s. From what I hear Dinamo actually paid Diadora lots of extra dosh to make it up to the custom specs. Huge kudos!

Bobrov a Garbageman?!!! Ohmegosh, a certain Air Force pilot is turning in his grave now. You probably meant Beskov.
Click to expand...

oops, So i did. All this corrupt buying of players is going over my withered head.

Bobrov was actually loaned to Dinamo when they toured England in the 1940's. This is why it is stuck in my head - seeing as there was an article on it in FourFourTwo.

EDIT:

[Flips through Four Four Two.]

lol......oops wrong again. Hang on, give me a few minutes to read the article again.....

gaijin · Dec 10, 2004

I'm sure it was.....It was the same year as the hockey team....

bah, I'm must be thinking of the hockey player called Bobrov. Still kinda give me credit for the fact that I didn't mention his first name.

Shurik · Dec 10, 2004

Dude, let me increase your vertigo... so ever slightly.

There was a football player called Bobrov, who was a legend with the Horses in the late 1940s.

There was a football player called Bobrov, who played for Dinamo on the England tour, but never since or before.

There was a hockey player called Bobrov, who was the leader of the early CDKA and Air Force teams as well as the first USSR national team.

There was also a hockey coach called Bobrov, who was in charge of the Soviet team that played against Canada in the unforgettable 1972 Summit Series.

All the same person.

Shurik · Dec 10, 2004

Goodbye, Kuban Krasnodar, we hardly knew ye. The land of Cossacks, the breadbasket of Russian footballing talent has yet to produce a decent club with the Premier League staying power of more than one year.
Oh well, let's see at least what you wore through your short stay, you bumbling drunken Russian Rohirrim.

The primary yellow:

The secondary green:

Shurik · Dec 10, 2004

And the alternate white:

* All generic Umbro crap, but not the worst one available, I may add. I guess, everything hinges on the shorts of the primary kit. Are they black or simply an extremely dark shape of green? If the latter, this means Kuban were using three different shades of green this year (check out the socks in the secondary kit), a big, big, big no-no. We will give them the benefit of a doubt and award a 7 for the overall appearance.
* Kuban's colors are, quite specifically, yellow and green, but it is a tradition to wear yellow and black at home. White was introduced by way of providing a bit of a change and there is nothing wrong with that. Thus, no points deducted.
* But the ghastly Bank Soyuz logo, added in midseason (a HUGE no-no to disappoint Aunt Tamara) is good for a 1.5-point spanking.
* Other than one match when they wore green shorts and socks with white shirts, not much mixing and matching. And though they desided to go with green for a portion of the season, overall no deductions are necessary.

This gives us a 5.5, a mediocre but not a relegation-worthy performance. Oh, well.

gaijin · Dec 11, 2004

Shurik said:

Dude, let me increase your vertigo... so ever slightly.

There was a football player called Bobrov, who was a legend with the Horses in the late 1940s.

There was a football player called Bobrov, who played for Dinamo on the England tour, but never since or before.

There was a hockey player called Bobrov, who was the leader of the early CDKA and Air Force teams as well as the first USSR national team.

There was also a hockey coach called Bobrov, who was in charge of the Soviet team that played against Canada in the unforgettable 1972 Summit Series.

All the same person.
Click to expand...

Jesus! That could be in an episode of the twilight zone.

Curse the day that the Bobrov family decided to have offspring, that's all I can say.

Shurik · Dec 11, 2004

Would this be a good time to mention a very decent bandy player named Bobrov, who tore up the ice for Air Force in the late 40s?

Shurik · Dec 14, 2004

Rotor, of course, shall bring the show to an end shortly, after which the results shall be tabulated and the Garbage crowned.
The fashion gold will stay in Moscow, it seems, but last year's champion will get the boot.

gaijin · Dec 15, 2004

Shurik when you post the last team, can you also post the results from previous years too?

It would be nice to see how some teams have made progression or in some cases, regression.

I am already well aware that Torpedo have taken a huge nose dive.

Shurik · Dec 22, 2004

We haven't finished this year's review yet, and there is already the numero uno candidate for NEXT YEAR's relegation.

Guess who?

ganu....

you can dance!

Spartak Moscow have unveiled their "spring uniform" of 2005. I can only cringe at the thought of the summer version. Note the change, they are now sponsored by Nike. The Stripe will be trashed next season but the official website is boasting "a fresher fashion" (translation: puke-o-rama). They are promising the return of the stripe for 2006, but the Meat's word ain't amounts to much, you know.

gaijin · Dec 22, 2004

What can I say, Louis Vuitton spotted me trouncing through the streets of Paris and offered me a job....

[drum roll]

Kuban Krasnodar

Oddly, I have fond memories of Krasnodar. The smell of rich tobacco in the air and Fidel Castro eating at McDonalds whilst demanding that his cola is not that damn cold enough. The sweet smell of strawberries in the lush, verdant spring air, whilst virgin maidens dance and frolick around the flagpole, wearing nothing at all....

Okay, so I lied.......

.....They don't sell Big Mac's anymore...

* Umbro? wtf is up with the Russian League. Do Umbro have official headquaters located in the depths of Siberia, with only one little kid in the corner taking in this season's orders...."erm, yes well, as you know Umbro is in strict demand this year, get it whilst its hot..." As he stands behind 70,000 boxes of generic crap. Minus one point for Umbro! Fvcking Umbro! But even tough its Umbro, fvcking Umbro they get a half a point reprive for not keeping with a respectable name.

* Yellow and black appears quite a change, something I think which has been quite radical in recent Krasnodar years.....Green and Yellow would suffice more, but a ripped off Nantes/Norwich kit would make me feel ill. Plus one point for at least trying to keep the colours traditionally but in a sense not ruining the overall design and going way off the mark...

* To put it bluntly......The sponspor logo is crap. Minus one point, it ruins the overall design for me.

* the away, Green and yellow, kinda suggests that they too want to keep a strict set of club colours and sense of tradition and not stray off the mark by having a orange and lillac combo. Good for them. Plus one point.....

* I dunno what it is, where it came from, or how it got it here. But I somehow like the Green, Black and white. It kinda........works. The collar though reminds me of the reason Spartak got s***y marks. Please get rid of this. My suggestion would be to remove this for a more bolder collar...
one point for a nice colour scheme but a half a point deduction for crappy collars allround.

So a rather limp but fair - 6.5

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Now, I'm off to smoke some fine Kuban cigars whilst telling Fidel that his Egg McMuffin has a dead wasp in it....

Onwards to the depths of my job as Ukrainian fashion editor for the new mens mag "STYYYYYLE"

Dance bitches, tis the season to get pissed...

Take em up the garden path....