The New 2004 Kit Review!!! (Smiting Ugliness and Tackiness since 2002)

gaijin · Nov 19, 2004

hark! tis the Zenit kit.....!

[skies open up and the light illuminates the Neva]

[cue classical music]

[sound of trumpets]

[out rolls Kerzha modelling the kit]

erm......where does one begin?

I pretty much like the sky blue, looking like the Neva as it glistens around the glowing semblances of the romantic ville......Phew, thank go for that. I almost broke out into a monologue.

Well, it ain't the nicest colours around, but it could be worse. I like the fact they have kept it simple and just two easy colours. Pleasent on the eye. The sponsor logo is neat, I really like the fact Gazprom haven't pissed Zenit about and demanded a stupid logo to spoilt the shirt destroying the template colour.

Ditto, for the white, but I just get the feeling it kinda looks like the Russia NT kit a few years back - though not a bad or good thing; it would have been nice to have some type of cultural difference or a Leningrad feel to it. (Maybe a large bumper sticker - proclaiming "My brother went to the most culturific city in the world and all I got was this Zenit shirt....")

The logos on the sleeves are a plus for me, they hide them in a good way and aren't slapped on the bottom of the shorts or the back of the kit. (but Ford?! - who the hell drives a Ford?!)

As for the 3rd kit, looks like they tried a Wings kit and failed. Take a leaf out of their book and keep it simply blue. I remember some guy in Ukraine trying to sell me a similar looking shirt, which I think was a Dnipro top back in the day. Anything that brings me back to a Dnipro item is a bad thing.

For me, its like they tried and came out with a modest effort. A high school arts project but not that perfect. Zenit are the team of Petersburg or Leningrad, whatever the hell it is now - and I guess the varying shades of blue are nice. 3rd kit is just wrong - the Neva doesn't glisten like that, only when you throw someones dead stepsister in it and even then it goes......erm.........never mind.

Big fat jovial "hello - i love you too" - 7

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Torps.....lmao!

What makes me laugh is that our football team wore this kit, like three years ago! We now wear cool Reebok ones if you must know. Our kit used to White shirts and black shorts too. And the fact we play in a Sunday league makes you think that those Torps have made a HUGE mistake. No just huge, a gargantuan error. Who the hell vetoed that?

It won't be amiss in a local jumble sale. I can see Igor Semshov and the lads actually wearing this as they attempt to raise money for Moscow oprphans. Le Coq Sportif, or the Sporting Cockerel could well be putting the cocks back into sport. They made the Senegal kits (still do I think.) and they were just plain awful. They haven't been producing quality kits for donkeys now. They are like the French fashion version of a washed up movie star.

The large T? Oh my god! Anyone remember that Simpson's episode. I just hope that they tear this up, looking for gold.

Please build a bonfire and burn that monstrosity now. Here take my matches, no my lighter fluid, no screw that, here's some flamethrowers and semtex - destroy the lot.

I can't say one good thing about this. Even though I don't like sponspors ruining the shirts - even a giant ad for Thrush cream would give the Torps more credibility......

A pathetic and lonely - 0.

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Shinnik.....Shinnik....Shinnik. what shall we do with you?

Well I must say that Chelsea still have the same kit and I mean what are they doing playing in Yaroslavl anyw.........what?!?.....That's their kit......oh lord! Well I'll critique the home shirt first.

I just hate it, I'm sorry. It is truely awful. The two shades of light and dark blue seem to give me a headache. The more I look at it, I think It might get better like a magic eye photo, but sadly it just sends me into a light coma. This type of shirt would be seen often in the lower reaches of the english leagues (think the Conference and further down.) It looks like Gillingham had this for one season, then lost it one day and all of sudden the Shinnik boys turn up spouting "hey, look at my new threads man!" To which the local milita know its knocked off and buy about 7 for their kids. Positives?, you can see them coming in the snow.

As for the away kit. Chelsea still have this as a third kit and the cheeky cockney boys wore it in Moscow for the CSKA game. So it appears that they too have caught Shinnik's bug. The fatc that they can't be bothered to change the colours like CSKA means its laziness on their part. My advice is to buy a Chelsea shirt instead and just pretend your a Shinnik fan. Still, the umbro feel is good and the kit is well represented in the West and has the style to go with it. Thankfully it scores them some points but they lose alot for the sponsporship no show joke on the away kit and the blinding ugly home kit.

3

Shurik · Nov 19, 2004

Okay, may aunt Tamara chime in with some minor points, da?

Black and blue are Shinnik colors, so if anything that white shirt suits them more than it does the blue-white Chels.
I thought the Tiremakers' primary was black and blue. But that gradiated effect makes my eyes hurt too much to stare at it. It does look decent from far away. From about here, at least.
The Shins did have a sponsorship logo on both shirts late in the season.

And aunt Tamara take points off for all sponsor logos. Always. Aunt Tamara think sponsor logos ruin football uniform. Please to rip them off and stick on Formula 1 drivers.

Shurik · Nov 19, 2004

Aunt Tamara always partial to rings. Olympic rings (aunt Tamara thinks Alexei Nemov is dreamy), boxing rings, wedding rings (though uncle Volodya drunk his off past year, aunt Tamara beat him bad). Saturn is a planet with rings. Aunt Tamara promise to be good to Teletubbies.

Saturn Ramenskoye (back after a two-year hiatus as Saturn-RenTV).

Yes, the getting rid of the RenTV part alone merits some kind of a bonus and the new logo is certainly much better. What about the kits? Well, there are two different sets.

This was used early in the season:

The primary blue

The secondary white (no need to scream, it's not THAT ugly!)

Shurik · Nov 19, 2004

And then they switched to this.

The primary blue:

The secondary white:

* You know, there were times when it would take you the better part of an hour to describe just the sleeve design of the least complicated of Saturn shirts. Now, they've gone for the extreme simplicity to the point where their primary uniform can be assessed in one word: Blue. And aunt Tamara like that, because after 6pm vodka and valokordin kick in and aunt Tamara no like speak big words anymore. The early-season garb looks a bit better than the other one (what the hell are those spikes on the elbows?). Also, the second white shirt is hurt by light-blue numbers which really don't go well with black trim. Overall, however, a solid 8.
* No sponsors, no complications, no unusual shirt-short-sock combos. Good.
* Is it a step up from last year? Not much of one, but half a point for staying the course is due. Hm... Make it another half-point for the improved logo.
* Black and blue are supposedly the club colors, though white gets much more face time than black. Subtract half a point for that.
* Subtract another half-point for using two different sets of kits. Just the early-season version (though outdated Nike crap it is) would've sufficed.

Overall, an 8

A nice, though inconspicous ensemble. But if you are from a quaint little village like Ramenskoye (the name means "Harlem" in English) being inconsicuous is probably good.

Shurik · Nov 19, 2004

I could've happily gone off on my weekend and left them alone. I know ganu would've approved.
But, what with the meat shortages that aunt Tamara still remembers, this theme is very dear to my heart.

So... here we go.

Spartak Moscow. The Red-Whites of yore. The Meat. The Swine. The Stripe-Bearers.

Not early in the season, though. They started off their eighth-place campaign wearing this:

The primary red:

The secondary white:

Shurik · Nov 19, 2004

Eventually, though, the retro craze has caught up with them as well and the most legendary and revered attribute of a Russian football uniform was brought back into existense, THE HORIZONTAL STRIPE.

The primary red:

The secondary white:

* All four look decent, despite the first two being generic Umbro crap. And since I gave Zenit a 6 for the same primary kit, and Spartak's other kits (with the stripe) are WONDERRIFIC, an overall 9 will not be too low, methinks.
* Ah, the stripe! Oh, the stripe! How we had waited for its return. The only thing keeping me from canonizing Spartak right now is the fact that they ditched the Stripe for 10 freaking years in the first place! The Stripe is as legendary as Starostin, Netto and Simonyan. The Stripe IS Spartak. The Stripe must never go. THANK YOU for bringing it back! 3 points up! Plus a point for breaking with a bad tradition of years past.
* But, 2 points down for 2 sponsors. The Stripe's magnificense is badly hurt by the Lukoil splash underneath and the thing on the kidneys must go as well.
* Another point down for not using the Stripe all year long and going with the generic crap early on. What kept you, oh the Meat of yore?
* And another point down for the logo. As promised, I shall always mark Spartak down for it until they get rid of the stupide "preagnant C".

This brings us to the even 9

Oh, the Stripe! Need I say more?

Shurik · Nov 19, 2004

And yes, before you ask, that's Alenitchev being french-kissed by Onopko and Kanchelskis in the background of the first photo above. That's about 110 years of hot Russian love there. Can you say necrophilia?

gaijin · Nov 21, 2004

Shurik said:

I could've happily gone off on my weekend and left them alone. I know ganu would've approved.
Click to expand...

lol.........well you don't get many weekends where a fashion review of the RPL is completely paramount, aside from that moment when Aleksandr Kerzhakov famously stayed at homed during a match so that he could happily critic the lastest line of swin-wear in the all-new "Zenit wet wear catalogue" that had popped through his letter-box the previous day.

Great kits as always, makes me happy that I live in a democratic country where such freedom to mass-produce such horrendous shirts would lead to a public stoning......

Let me cast a watchful eye of these shoddy procedings as I waltz down RPL fashion lane......[post starts to blur]

SATURN

* Thank god, they have rid themsleves of the infamous Satelite compay and at long last we can only take the piss out of them for playing in Ramonskoe. Plus one point.

* Despite the change - midseason (to compensate for Nike being a pain in the arse and launching new kits) they have kept the same design to a certain extent. Half a point for trying.....

* However, changing midseason is a big no-no. How dare you try and corrupt new Russia in this way! Do you realise that people have to work to buy these things now? Have you no shame? Minus 1 point.....

* No sponspor - ahhhhh....so even capitalism hasn't touched the Saturn lads. Or well it did and just left one day in a train headed torwards central Moscow in a hurry. Plus one point for looking so pathetic....

* "Simplicity is the most complex thing to master"....said one philosophical PSG fan once (no names....) Plus 2 points.....

* All white kit = Real Madrid, but also = Leeds United....hmmmm. Plus one point because White and black work well for me.

* Logo a tad to big....Minus half a point.

* Kits look too much like a training kit though....There is nothing to it. Minus one point.

Big fat = 8

Aside from the large brown paper bag handed to me by a lovely man wearing a suit - The grade stands.

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Spartak Moscow -

Oh how the mighty have fallen.....time to get those knives so that I can thrust them into yonder back.

* Quite in touch with the older kits of late 1990's when they were sponsored by Adidas. Plus two points. The white "Boro" stripe pleases me, about the only thing Spartak could do to tempt my vote is to rip off my beloved team.

* Again mid-season change, wtf is wrong with these teams? Can't they see the torment they cause? Well being a Spartak fan does bring some pain, i'll agree that with you - but it's minus TWO points, because they should know better.

* Pre-season = crap; Post season = erm, well yeah its okay I guess... Plus onepoint for slightly improving it.

* Tsk, tsk - Lukoil. What have you done? Please remove the crappy BLACK oil blodge on your logo. Change the colour or at least don't make it stand out. Black has no place for a red and white team. Minus 1 point.

* More sponspors - get rid.....minus 1 point again....And why is the Lukoil logo so low down that it pratically looks like a subordinate message for the Spartak team....erm, yeah you MIGHT want to buy this, they MAY be a good team.

* The collar looks a bit naff. I just can't understand why they would make it with a small white trim. I say keep it fresh and bold. Like last season's. Minus half a point I say...

Result - 3.5

Oh dear, the retro feel is dead. Long live the new age of wacky designs and sensible planning for the future. Will Spartak ever produce a good kit, that a consumer like me will buy? Will pigs fly across Red Square? Will Lenin come back from the dead and bite everyone in the arse? Is there any point? Will I get a life?

[post comes back in focus - cue an elderly man telling you to sliently move on, as the post is now finished.]

Forza Moskva · Nov 21, 2004

you're not biased in your review of spartak are you ganu?

Shurik · Nov 22, 2004

ganu's review is disqualified as completely and utterly partisan and having no basis in reality.

Spartak is copying Centersborough?!! Spartak is RIPPING OFF Mediocresborough?!! Limbosborough has NOTHING, no history and no traditions, NOTHING!

Here, feast your eyes on the glory of The Stripe!

Nikita Simonyan going for a header against Lev Yashin, circa 1950s

Igor Netto carrying the USSR Cup in 1960:

Shurik · Nov 22, 2004

Fedor Cherenkov's signature moves leave opponents stupefied in the Eighties:

Sergei Salnikov battling a Zenit defender in the early 50s:

Shurik · Nov 22, 2004

Losing to Torpedo in the USSR Cup, late 1940s

Attacking the Dinamo goal of the great Tiger Khomich in the 1940s:

Shurik · Nov 22, 2004

Damn, I had to post this one SOMEWHERE:

CDKA fans, late 1940s:

Think of Muddlesbrough as the guy on the left and Spartak as the swingin' dude on the right.

Shurik · Nov 22, 2004

Aunt Tamara always say just because uncle Volodya finally drink himself to death, it no reason to get rid of his perfectly good old suit. Can be used by next husband, da?

Just because Torpedo-Metallurg Moscow didn't manage to get their fax machine fixed until about Week 13 of the season, thus delaying their official name change to Moskva Moscow, didn't mean they had to go and purchase new kits! Just stick the new logo on the old shirt and you are good to go!

The primary white, pre-change:

The primary white, post-change:

The secondary black simply had the colors reversed.

* Simple. Save for the silly Nike sock stripe, which was thankfully ditched after the name change, nothing to knock this on. I'll give it a 9.
* Well, the old Torpedo colors (black, white and green) had to be dumped after the name change. The new colors are apparently black, white and red, so, in a fine example of logical thinking, black and white was worn all season long. Great save and no tradition is offended.
* Minus half a point for the socks shenainigans.
* This is neither an improvement nor a step down from last year, but give them back half a point for sticking with a good trend of the past several years (using white shirts and black shorts as the primary kit) and avoiding the temptation to put on black unless they were forced to.
* However, minus a point for a horrific new logo. They actually chose it in a contest and spurned about 500 fan entries for this monstrocity, provided by a supposedly "professiona" design firm. The rest of them must've featured naked women or Luzhkov's bald head (or both) to get rejected. Yuck!

Overall, a surprising 8

Not bad, considering, but let the 5 fans of MM beware: there is a lot of talk of a supposedly hideous kit orderred for nex season. To match the logo, probably.

gaijin · Nov 23, 2004

bah! I demand an appeal. I'll call my 16 high priced lawyers.

Shurik do you work for Spartak or are just in bed with the starting XI?

Spartak is copying Centersborough?!! Spartak is RIPPING OFF Mediocresborough?!! Limbosborough has NOTHING, no history and no traditions, NOTHING!
Click to expand...

Middlesbrough = formed 1876
Spartak Moskva = formed 1922

Oh yeah, I can see what nation invented this game. Slovakia wasn't it. We were playing football WAY before Spartak did.

Okay I was joking on the review.

Joke - (noun) Something said or done to evoke laughter or amusement

Boro had the stripe in the 1970's. It became a classic. Unlike Spartak who stole it from German fishermen in a fishing port one rainy afternoon. (again this was a joke - see above)

As for the kit, Spartak could have implemented it better. The sponspor logo - what the hell was up with that? I'll agree the stripe is nice. But how dare they try to use the team I love. Its like a women changing the way she looks to get you to sleep with her. I just can't do it. It just seems wrong somehow.

Its my opinion like it or lump it. Okay I know it shouldn't have anything to do on the review. HOWEVER - I didn't take points off for this, I only commented on it. So.......

Shurik · Nov 23, 2004

Following the suggestion of my treasured Zahyden'sky friend, I am back to bitching about generic Umbro crap. Or, in this case, generic Adidas crap, which the freedom-loving Ukrainian Second League tyyyms are two poor to purchase.

(BTW, if you are interested in Aunt Tamara's opinion about the Ukrainian election, Aunt Tamara think they all need Stalin now. There was man with good command of Russian language)

Rubin Kazan, though Tatar basurmans as they are (Aunt Tamara think they should all go to their Israel and live Russia for Russians) have performed very well in last year's standings. What do we have now?

The primary red:

The secondary green (long-sleeve vesion):

The short-sleeve version of the green kit was exactly the same as primary red and was only used once.

* The red one is, in a word, meh... Generic Adidas crap it is, but it gets points for simplicity, though Aunt Tamara dislike mesh designs. The green one stinks big time. The only thing it seems to convey is that Adidas tailors have done everything humanly possible with the side panel design and are slowly slipping into insanity. But it wasn't worn too much, so there is the overall 7.5
* The Rubin colors are red, white and green. Red, as the name dictates, was worn almost always. No points off here.
* 1 point off for the silly Rosgosstrakh logo. It is especially bad that this thing was added on in mid-season.
* Is it a step down from last year? Yes, but not a huge one. Half a point off.

Overall, a very unenthusiastic 6

Rubin's performance on the pitch was euqally uninspired, but hope still lives that next year they will keep themselves from falling into the waiting arms of Kappa.

Shurik · Nov 23, 2004

ganu said:

bah! I demand an appeal. I'll call my 16 high priced lawyers.

Shurik do you work for Spartak or are just in bed with the starting XI?

Middlesbrough = formed 1876
Spartak Moskva = formed 1922
Click to expand...

Care to compare the length of dicks? I mean, torphy shelves, of course.

Boro had the stripe in the 1970's. It became a classic. Unlike Spartak who stole it from German fishermen in a fishing port one rainy afternoon. (again this was a joke - see above)
Click to expand...

Spartak's stripe first appeared when they were called Pishcheviki, in 1928. ANd I suggest you take these matters seriously. For they mean much more than the silly affairs of Ukrainian politics.

Now, where is your dissent for the Moskva review?

gaijin · Nov 23, 2004

Thou shalt obey the laws of Spartak etiquette. Know thy stripe!

EXACTLY!
Imagine for a second that Arsenal abandonned their white sleeves and wore an all-black ensemble with pink underarms for 10 years.
Or that Ajax stop wearing their vertical stripe and go with a lovely silver-beige combo.

Wouldn't you welcome a return of the classic? Spartak deserve tons and tons of kudos for coming back to their roots. Of course, this obligates them to go on, becuase if The Stripe is ditched next year, they shall be knocked into Torpedoland.

gaijin · Nov 23, 2004

Shurik said:

Now, where is your dissent for the Moskva review?
Click to expand...

Hey come to Gennevilliers and I'll show you our kits. Then you'll see why we agree.

Forza Moskva · Nov 23, 2004

ganu you are a traitor, i do not see under your team list, "loko", you deserve to die .

Shurik · Nov 23, 2004

meta4 said:

ganu you are a traitor, i do not see under your team list, "loko", you deserve to die .
Click to expand...

I really hope that the KOR in his team list means Klub Oktyabr'skoi Revolyutsii and not the fave national outfit of so many Kims and Parks.

Forza Moskva · Nov 23, 2004

hahaha

gaijin · Nov 24, 2004

meta4 said:

ganu you are a traitor, i do not see under your team list, "loko", you deserve to die .
Click to expand...

You being a loko fan should know its the klub of the october revolution - the name we were founded under.

I could well put: Middlesbrough Ironopolis, Paris FC, KOR

Tsk, funny because I was reading some Soviet literature and this sprung to my mind. Strange how the mind works.

I really hope that the KOR in his team list means Klub Oktyabr'skoi Revolyutsii and not the fave national outfit of so many Kims and Parks
Click to expand...

Parks? Doesn't he play for Loko? lol.........

gaijin · Nov 24, 2004

Funny how things get taken out of context - I really do feel like a big-shot Moscow reporter just seen his work dismantled by his fat editor boss. Hey but we all get paid I guess.....I can fondly remember Pat Rice wearing that black and pink combo in a FA cup tie at Tranmere one day. Oh, how we laughed.

"Free speech is a bourgeois prejudice" - Vladimir Lenin.

Where would the world be without Tatarstan? erm, well the same really. Maybe without Marat Safin though. Maybe that is a good thing, although not recently.

I had to refresh myself on last years Rubin kit. It looks as if they ditched the old Nike ones, which were very similar to the Loko kits of a few years back, I think when we first switched from the crappy Puma ones.

Well first off, it is generic - but in this case it isn't that bad - for a start I think they are the only team to wear Adidas strips (off the to of my head - i think.) Looks as if the UEFA cup managed to allow them to splash out. Plus one point for changing to a much better kit - imo.

Colour is quite nice and almost looks like a sleek Benfica top, although if you were sat very far away you would see it isn't the team from Lisbon playing. Plus a point - very stylish.

For me, the style of the Adidas shirt has the very stupid netting mesh under the arms (see Real Madrid's top.) Minus half a point.

What? The sponspor works! Well it does for me. Okay, okay I'll admit it looked a damn sight better when it was off and hence they get only half a point for screwing around with it during the season. Leave it be!

I'm never a fan of Green (see Loko 3rd kit) but in this case it does pass. Not bad considering what colours they could have gone for.

Rubin get a well deserved 7...

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INSERT SPONSPOR HERE!!!!!!! -------- WHY NOT ADVERTISE? $$
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Torpedo Metal....erm FK Moskva.

This for me it is slightly bland, but as I sad black and white = big plus, hence a lovely two points coming your way.

No sponspor? Yay! Plus one point for sticking two fingers up at the capitalist hogs.

Still looks a bit dated for me and I would have to deduct a point because of this. I think the Nike kits are quite good and a far better call from today's shambles - but still.......

Simple, simple and simple. Plus two points. Maybe a bit bland but it doesn't over complicate itself and this always a good thing.

The fact, my brain hurts and I've run out things to say, sums up this kit entirely....lol. Okay, I'm just stupid.

Wow! = An amazing 9!

Forza Moskva · Nov 24, 2004

i think i shall openly admit my defeat in this conversation...

but moving on, did you all hear about semine coaching the NT team now? and loko getting a new coach. I've heard alot of rumors from insiders,
mainly being of cska - they are supposedly going to try to purchase the zenit trio, karyaka, and get rid of 5 of the russians, (gusev, semak, ignasevich, etc)
and get this - LOSKOV moving to dinamo!, this one i realllly doubt due to semine releasing a list saying he is selling wagner, nigmatulin, and three others which i forget.