So I will probably run in 2012 since my projections show a still weakened economy and growing national debt under Obama. My platform: -Balanced Budget with surplus or I resign -Massive spending cuts including massive reduction to foreign aid* and military spending. *though the left likes to ridicule our amount per capita, it's still the most foreign aid given (total) in the world - ******** the WTO. Tariff's are back bitch! Even alot of Democrats will get on board with this. Unions will support me - they were lukewarm on Obama anyway. - Legalize marijuana because who cares about it, we need the taxes (and I don't smoke marijuana because only losers do) - Repeal the progressive tax of 1913 and move to a 10% flat tax but anyone making under $17k pays nothing in federal taxes. - Legalize stem cell research in every state - NO FAITH BASED INITIATIVES, unlike Obama and Bush I don't think Churches should get federal money - I would immediately fire Bernanke and arrest Alan Greenspan and execute him for treason. I then take control of the Fed and set key interest rates at 3.5% for good and write it into law. - Then I abolish the federal reserve and slash the IRS by 75% of it's workforce - Simplify tax laws so Rich people, CEO's and Fortune 500 companies can't find loopholes to avoid paying their 10% flat tax. - Estate Taxes will be outlawed. - Since Reality TV sucks and makes Americans even dumber than we already are, I will impose a Reality TV tax. And the entire cast of American Idol will be deported to England or whatever toilet Simon Cowell came from. - I support domestic oil drilling. I pull out of the middle east altogether. - I will not show any aggression towards anyone anywhere in the world unless they actually attack us....but I will gladly debate Chavez or Amjinaedeaheeadeaad on live television. - No economic sanctions on anyone ever for any reason - ******** the IPCC - Mccain's plan for illegal immigration was fine, I'll implemant it, but from here on out people who sneak into this Country illegally will get no mercy. If there family is split up by INS - boo ********ing hoo - blame yourself for that. - Corporate Welfare siezes to exist (see my tax loophole ban above) - Give weekly TV adresses and not leave all the difficult work to my Speaker - I have no problems with regulation when needed, I'm not a Libertarian - Most nonviolent crimes will be reduced to fines. I've got more, but this is enough for now. Who's voting for MWave in '08?
I agree with more of these than not, so I'd probably Go Ted in '12. Promise to leave NATO and let the Japanese and South Korean pay for their own god damn national defense (I'd put the rest of the military on the Mexican border, but that's me) and I'm 100% in! Kick the UN out of New York and I'll name my next kid or pet Hans!
I disagree with just about every position in your platform, Ted. However, if you can ban those really ********ing irritating Circuit City banner ads from bigsoccer, you'll get my vote, a hefty donation, and a promise to canvas for you in swing states.
You can't get behind the Reality TV tax, Bo? While AI is bearable, it makes enough to survive the tax. But it would eliminate Rock of Love IV and Flavor or Love XII and all their damned spinoffs.
Not a bad start Ted. In addition, you need to support good BBQ in BBQ depressed areas of the country. While you are at it, every city with a population over 100,000 should have at least one authentic burrito stand. If your platform had been introduced 8 years ago, we may have been spared that annoying woman on the View (I know, redundant) who seems to be qualified to spout opinions because she finished fourth on Survivor.
It's okay, but it doesn't go far enough. There should also be a tax on YouTube comments and new Judd Apatow movies.
You know how there are a billion movies starring Will Ferrell and/or Seth Rogen right now? And how they're all about overgrown boys? He's responsible for 90% of them.
Hans is an illegal alien (last I heard he was living in the orange bowl, not sure what happened) so he'll be kicked out. Like most "conservatives" I don't like the UN anymore than you do but I have to practical. Leaving the UN just ain't gonna happen. I like Judd Apatow movies. Superbad, Knocked Up and Forgetting Sarah Marshall were all very funny. I also liked Zach and Miri make a porno. I thought it was funny and "sweet" and Kevin Smith didn't bog it down with his usuall faux witty (i.e. meaningless) banter. So Judd Apatow does not get fined, he gets promoted to FCC chairman. Eric B's UN quip got me to thinking of a new law I'd like to introduce: If dirty hippies are protesting you are allowed to shoot them with paintguns. If they are indie rock hipsters protesting then I'm willing to allow BB guns to be used. EDIT: Steve Forbes will have a place in my cabinet. Actually my entire regime will be black conservatives just to piss people off. Vice President: Thomas Sowell Secretary of State: Condie Press Secretary: John Mcwhorter Surgeon General: Walter T Williams (well he IS a doctor) Attorney General: Janice Rogers Brown FCC chairman: Colin's nephew or whoever he was will return Department of Education: Kenneth Blackwell or Rod Paige what other positions do I need to fill? Personally I think Sowell and I can handle everything.