So my GF is pregnant, and we're not married. It's not really an "accident", though it wasn't planned, we've lived together now for over 2 years and have talked about kids for at least year now, we both want kids. We're both in our mid thirties so it's probably time. Our issue...do we get married or not. We have not planned to. I do understand many of the legal benefits of being a married parent, we're undecided about whether we want to give up those benefits, meager as they can be. Our families would probably be the primary reason to get married, we both have conservative parents.
My recommendation is that you do... soon (today is not too late)! I believe there is far too much emphasis today on single parenthood and not enough condemnation of it; use to be single parenthood was strongly condemned unless it was accidental. Today kids are shacking up and having kids outside the bounds of marriage and invariably it is the children and society that suffers. Worse, existing marriages are being abandoned for the littlest reason; one fight and spouses abandon any marriage that once existed and adopt single parenthood as an excuse for their own laziness! As if this situation can be made any worse (it can) social progressives are beginning to stupidly praise single parents (a recent New Yorker magazine did a puff piece on the benefits to single parenthood and praised working mothers). Where is the advocacy for marriage? There is another side in this social construct that advocates non-marriage for couples and separation for marriages going south! That is not the message we should be sending youth that come of unions; marriage, for anyone that does not know, is in fact a hard thing to make work and a hard thing to keep stable. That, by itself, is not a reason to abandon it or avoid it. I recommend you get married and make it a life-long commmittment! Society needs to start adocating traditional marriage and start condemnning single parenthood... It is the very definition of evil.
Why stay single? If you're living together, you've already overcome the hardest part of marriage: living together. I'm sure you have a pros/cons list in your mind. What are the cons to getting married?
As much as I disagree with 90% of what ITN writes, he does have some good points. I recommend you consider marriage and making it a life-long committment. It's the best thing you can do for your child. Kids can survive single parenthood, but it's a whole lot easier when there are at least two adults with a support system to raise children. [rant]There is also no reason to condemn any kind of loving parenthood (single, same sex, or just un-married). That type of intolerance is my definition of evil![/rant] Marriage is a good way to announce to each other and the world that you have a commitment to each other and your children. Marriage is not always easy, but if you both commit, and realize that you are both individuals and that you have diffent likes and opinions, but that both of you have the best interest of the family, then things go a lot smoother. My wife and I have different religious backgrounds, political leanings, and views on soccer and a lot of things. We will be married 25 years this summer, and cherish the things we hold in common, our kids, our church home we compromised on, our love of card games, and our committment to each other. I offer this advice only because you asked for it. My son and his girl friend (about the same age as you) have been living together for over 8 years have not asked for my advice on this yet. My wife (his stepmother) has freely offered the advice numerous times. Compromising on religion was something that we decided early in our marriage. She was raised Roman Catholic; I was raised in the Methodist Church, was divorced, and had not been active or interested in some time. We compromised by getting married in the Episcopal Church, and have since moved to a Lutheran Church. Both churches have provided a good support structure and other parents of youngsters with common experiences and values in raising kids.
Ummm ITN, where does single parenthood fit into this question? It would seem that art's child would have two parents, barring tragedy of course.
My parents were not married, didn't live together, and my dad moved out of state when I was like 13. I turned out fine.
Same exact thing for me. But I recommend you abort. Then you won't have to worry about getting married or your respective families hating you for having a kid out of wedlock.
I would say get married. but it's not for me to say. you have to WANT to be married. just like staying married for the kids is destructive I would imagine getting married for the same reason wouldn't work. would you feel trapped, or roped into the marriage? not saying your girlfriend did that (as your post says she certainly didn't ... so no implications there). you can't go into it half-hearted saying 'eh, might as well.' parents who are great friends will be better for the kid than married parents who are miserable. like our asteemed colleague montgules said 'If you're living together, you've already overcome the hardest part of marriage: living together.' don't get married for your family or for hers. get married because it's what you want to do. no other reason matters.
very true. it's better for the kids. [personal attack deleted] thanks, mr. quayle. let's see here. Mr. Bin Laden and Mrs. Stansky, single mother. I hope they both die in hell.
Marriage is as much for the parents as it is for the children; it is a social unit. Even when no children are planned, marriage is still the vehicle for a couple to bond. By forgoing marriage a couple forgoes the legal union and social rules that traditionally accompany such partnerships. In our society we closely monitor and heavily regulate incorporations within the business world for good reason; for participants it sets a business on a right footing going forward. So too marriage should be closely monitored and heavily regulated, for the participants of the union and progeny that may result. Ringo, I sincerely feel that single parenthood is too widely praised today at significant and direct cost to children who need two not one parents, one of each sex, to fully mature. I realize that opinion may not be palatable to you, but it is my opinion and as such, I would request that you either post reasons why you disagree rather than resorting to the needless attack you posted. I sincerely feel that venturing into single parenthood voluntarily, which is where I focused my condemnation, is the single greatest cause of soclal decay, in our society and others. By encouraging marriage, as this administration has advanced, we do well in society currently, and in subsequent generations. By encouraging single parenthood, we encourage social decay.
i'm not disagreeing with you that two married parents are better. I took issue with you calling single parents the definition of evil. post your reasons for that. there's plenty of evil in this world -- but that ain't one of them.
I'm sorry, I didn't see this at first. I was just reading a story about this administration's no. 2 man's lesbian daughter having a baby. sorry. what were you saying?
Let's all get back on topic: Namely Art, you deserve to have the joys and tribulations of marriage as much as the rest of us. Besides, if you stayed single, I will personally ensure your kid grows up a Red Bull fan.
Obviously we've talked about marriage; until now it was never important to either of us. We know we have a commitment to each other, we don't need to prove it to anyone else, neither of us is religious in any way, and we don't believe an iota in "single parenthood leads to social decay" or any such nonsense...in our minds love is the only thing necessary. Funny thing happens when you find out you're going to be a parent though... At the moment my guess is we will stay single, but I honestly don't know. For me, if it were up to me, I would choose not to get married, it's just not that important to me. However I would do it if it were important to her (and she is wavering because of her parents), OR if I thought it would make a difference in our child's life. My parents are in favor or marriage but I wouldn't expect anything else of them and I'm long past the point where I do things solely to please them. I know my GF and she will come down on the side of not worrying about her parents' wishes, no matter how much she worries about it now. So I guess it comes down to...will it make a difference in our child's life? My guess is no and I'd like to think no, I want my child to have two parents, we're not about to separate, we will raise the child together, and honestly if we were to get married I'd be afraid of the change that would cause in our relationship. We're sickeningly happy now, why eff with that. Happy parents have to be better than bitter, frustrated parents. But I don't know the answer to that for sure. Either way, I havent slept much in three days. Whee.
I know it's hard to believe, but marriage does not lead to bitterness and frustration. The kids do. (did I say that out loud?) View it as a deepening of your commitment to one another. There are a lot of real benefits to getting married. Married men tend to be more financially stable at all income brackets, married women tend to live longer (ironically, married men do not, more proof that women want to kill us), if something were to happen to one of you, the other could make medical decisions. There are loads more, but these are the big ones. The disagreements will be there whether you get married or not. You simply cannot have a long term relationship with anyone without some level of friction building up. Don't fool yourself into believing that staying "single" will alleviate that. That's my perspective. You better sleep now. A lot. Sachin
how ever you decide to do it, just love that kid. that's the only thing that matters when you get right down to it.
I have no fears on that front. FWIW as of this morning we've decided not to get married. We can always get married later on if it becomes important. Have to say we have some incredible friends here (in Portland) who have been amazing, we wont have any trouble finding a babysitter, I think our kid will have about 30 "uncles" and "aunts" at the rate we're going, and our friends are crazy busy making all sorts of things for the baby already. Thanks to everyone and anyone who shared their thoughts, it did help. Sorry InTheNet. er...actually, no I'm not.
As a note, the medical care implications of being married are significant. I have two friends that had lived together 20+ years. The guy had a major heart condition - a heart attack or stroke. The women had no rights because they weren't married. Any instructions and consultations were to be with the closest relative - whoever that was. Anyway, shortly after that incident they got married. She still keeps her maiden name, and little else has changed, but they have legal protection.
good point. plus you could save money on benefits, etc. .... not that saving money on benefits is a reason by itself to do it. you know what I mean .
Good luck. My wife is expecting as well. But an honest question. What is the advantage of not getting married?