Anybody else got one (or more)? I have an extremely ... painfully ... shy child, now 7. It's amazing how much unsolicited advice I get from people about what to 'do' about it - and it's often offered right when she's standing there, as if she can't hear either (quite the opposite - she hears everything). Despite my efforts to avoid labelling her, she knows darn well that she's 'shy', and that others sometimes consider this to be a problem. I've read a bit about 'selective mutism' because that seems to fit her case - she can be a chatterbox at home or in any situation where she's comfortable - but put her in a complex social setting, and she basically doesn't talk. That's her tool for handling an uncomfortable situation - wait quietly until it goes away. Often that 'uncomfortable situation' is as simple as a child she doesn't know coming up and asking her name or if she wants to play. Sure enough, if she says nothing, the child goes away and leaves her alone. Not the best way to make new friends .... Her teacher and school counselor have been working with her, and we're trying some of the recommended things - role-playing, suggesting things she might say in certain situations, NOT SPEAKING FOR HER (that's a hard one) etc etc. And she is making progress. And she'll probably turn out to be a perfectly normal (if quiet) adult. But in the meantime, it's hard as a parent to watch her struggle, knowing that it's pretty much just a process of gaining life experience and building self-confidence so these 'uncomfortable situations' stop being so uncomfortable for her. Anybody else have experiences to share?
I have the opposite problem, a son who never knows when to shut up. (Where the heck does he get that from? Couldn't be his mom...) I have no idea what would help, but I can give you one positive thought. Your daughter has developed a skill that many adults lack: she can listen politely without interrupting. That may make her many friends when she's an adult. p.s. I had a lot of shy friends in high school. I loved drawing out those who were incredibly shy. We made an amazing group of friends from people who were normally shy. If you're lucky, your daughter will find a great group of friends like I did. (Not that I'm shy... I was just the ring leader..)
Our younger son is/was kind of like this, although I don't think his shyness is quite so pronounced as your daughter's. He's always been very afraid to put in himself into situations that are new to him--where he's not sure what's expected or where there's a doubtful outcome. Soccer (hey can I get post count for this one?) is a good example. He clearly loved the idea of it and asked to start playing around 5 years old. But when we brought him to the U-6 rec sessions he was paralyzed, hated soccer, wanted to go home, etc. We didn't know whether to take him at his word, force him, or what. We decided that it wasn't the coach's responsibility to coax him into playing, but we did say that since he'd asked, he had to come to the sessions and stand next to the pitch. This was my wife's idea--she was bringing him since her work day ended earlier than mine. This happened twice and she said she felt like "a ********ing monster" but the third time he joined in (abetted by a very pretty blonde coach). He continued with soccer up to the point where he was playing on a premier club team and won an award (one of 3 given) for his first year of HS ball. Then last summer he just quit and I swear the biggest reason behind it was fear of being cut at the upcoming tryouts, which is just a different version of the same old thing. We'd insisted that he come up with something to replace it, which he did (he's found an Ultimate Frisbee team and is sticking with jazz band), and he's 15 now, so there's no benefit to be gained from forcing him. At least with this he's made a rational case for his decision and taken some actions on his own to ameliorate the negatives we pointed out as coming with just giving up, but he's still being motivated by a kind of shyness, to a large extent. It was interesting to watch him during the world cup this summer, because he was obviously second guessing his decision, but I have to respect the fact that he's putting in the effort now to make his new stuff work. Perhaps most beneficial is the fact that, through his own decisions, he's had to put himself in new situations and has begun finally (and with awareness of what he's doing) to develop the social tools he needs to feel comfortable (and I mean basic stuff, like calling strangers about practice times, going to places where he's the only one he knows, etc.). Utimately, the decision to stop acting on the sense that we knew better than he did as to what he would like (and what, therefore, to force him into) was a result of him finally putting some forethought and planning into his argument against our position. Fortunately we had the sense (barely, in my case) to notice the change, but it wasn't easy and I'm sure some new version will crop up sooner or later.
my two year old is shy around men but an absolute ham and flirt around women. didn't learn that one from his old man, I'll tell you that.
Shame on those people. A child doesn't need strangers telling her what's wrong with her. I hope you find an effective conversational deterrent, because that is just SO unhelpful. My son is this way as well, although his shyness is not as pronounced. He does enjoy physical activity with other kids, so he'll join in the fun IF it looks like an activity he'll enjoy; he won't play with other kids just for the sake of playing with other kids. If the neighborhood kids are doing something he thinks is boring, he'll just stay inside and do his own thing. I struggle, too--I catch myself scolding him for being 'rude' to strangers, since he hates making eye contact or giving any non-verbal cue that he's listening. It's not easy. For my son, soccer has been a big help--he loves playing and being part of a team, and learning to hang out with and become teammates with a group of boys who are, on the whole, rowdier and more outgoing than him has helped a lot. Just tell yourself (it ain't easy, I know)--she'll be fine. Two years ago, watching my quiet, unassertive boy getting the worst of it in the rough-and-tumble scraps his teammates inflicted on each other before and after practice was damn near painful; my wife was convinced he was being bullied. He wasn't; he was just a sensitive, introverted boy learning the hard way how to be one of the guys. He survived, he passed the test, and now he's friends with the same kids we thought were making his life horrible. I know that's not the same situation, but it's another example of how sometimes you just have to let the kid stay out in the field of fire, take his or her lumps, and learn the appropriate lessons on their own. In the meantime, it's the parent's job to love him or her unconditionally, and bolster their self-confidence any way you can. Parenting is very, very hard.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I really WANTED my daughter to be into sports (the way I am), but she just isn't for whatever reason. Being on a team would surely help her in many ways, but I don't think it's in the cards. However, she does take ballet lessons - which involve teamwork and working towards a goal. In fact, she does fine in stage performances, even in front of large audiences - as long as she doesn't have to say anything. She doesn't interact much with the other girls in her class, but she loves her teacher and would talk all day 1-on-1 with her. I also just signed her up for Girl Scouts (Brownies), so that should be an interesting new experience for her. One of her school classmates that she knows pretty well is in the troop, so I think that'll be a big help. I hope it is a good experience. We had an open house at her school yesterday, and we got to read some of the things she's written in her daily journal and elsewhere - "I talked more today", or regarding her 'hopes and dreams' for this year - "I want to talk more". On the one hand, it's sort of sad that she sees it as a big deal, but on the other hand, I think she truly DOES want to talk more, and is pleased for herself that she's getting better at it.
I wouldn't worry about it too much. I'm not a parent, but I know several people who are very outgoing and sociable now, and used to be very shy. She's only 7. Who knows, you might wish she talked a bit less by the time she's in HS.
If she's only 7, I'd say it's a little early to write off sports. Maybe she'll never be a star athlete, but there are all kinds of different sports she probably hasn't been exposed to yet. Ballet is great--good for her. And it sounds like she is a very intelligent, thoughtful young lady. That will serve her well.
Well, we continue to ask her if she wants to join a team, and we bought her a pink ballglove and pink soccer shoes, etc, and she loves them, and we play together as a family, but she's just not too interested in joining a team. But you're right, 7 is still young, so maybe later. And my family (parents, sister, etc) continues to reassure me she'll be fine (as opposed to my in-laws, who are the source of much of the unwanted advice). In one of the articles I read about 'selective mutism', it was pointed that in the past, very little attention was paid to this 'problem' because the kid a) doesn't disrupt the classroom and b) generally turns out just fine.
Obviously there are different sorts of "shyness", from the simple social fears that some people have, making mistakes, saying the wrong thing, to profound self-centeredness that manifests itself in "shyness", but is really about a lack of generosity with who the person is, not wanting to share oneself, not because of fear, but because of a disinterest in making a meaningful emotional connection with others. So a 7 year old who is self-aware, wants to be more outwardly communicative with others, makes note of her progress in this area, all these qualities sound very much like an adult response to the situation. My best guess is that such a child has pretty good ego strength, but I wouldn't want a 7 year old making too much of this. There isn't a standard to meet. Now that the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, it will be a challenge to deflect attention away from making this a focal issue, if that is actually desirable or necessary. Time will tell -- it always does. Not much comfort in that, but as has been stated, parenting is like riding a bike up hill. Not much coasting.
Shyness usually means that the person doesn't have enough self esteem to fight it and usually hides away from the simple things in life. I am sure that your painfully shy daughter will overcome this gradually when she feels a little more stronger and starts making friends. Ask her if she wants to go and join something that her friends from school or even a cousin or older brother or sister do so that she is with them all the time.
Re: "adult response to the situation" If she does exhibit good social skills with certain people then maybe she needs more adult friends that can relate to children [and not the ones that talk down to the "shy child"]. Sometimes an intelligent and aware child can be stimulated for the better by meaningful communication with an adult in ways they cannot be with a peer. Re: SueB If adults include her more in your own daily lives and look to her for cooperation and "assistance" with their activites, she may get a better handle on what it means to be "part of the whole" and learn to open up more. She may just be a deeper thinker than her peers and has trouble expressing those thoughts or ideas. [i.e. Cant find many childhood peers that care about what she does or thinks to the level she does]
communication is very important to gain confidence this the way to make our children more comfortable to us and to others I have seen a lot of kids that is really closed to their parents they are so confident in school they participate always, building confidence to our children is letting them play with us parents talk or communicate always to them go out every time you have a time play with them
True, she is after all still young. A lot can change over the years. Talk to her about different sports or even about joining summer camps. You might see a flicker interest and then just start from there. Take it slowly. I'm sure she will open up to people someday. Stay strong.