Season almost here, and you know what that means....

Discussion in 'Manchester United' started by Motterman, Aug 8, 2002.

  1. Motterman

    Motterman Member

    Jul 8, 2002
    Orlando, FL
    Club:
    Manchester United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.

    Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
    After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later,
    Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."

    "What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter
    "The Pearly Gates!"
     
  2. benine

    benine New Member

    Jul 22, 2002
    Chicago
    Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"
     
  3. benine

    benine New Member

    Jul 22, 2002
    Chicago
    A man hands over a 50 pound note to the turnstyle operator at Maine Road.
    Man: Two please.
    Turnstyle Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?
     
  4. Motterman

    Motterman Member

    Jul 8, 2002
    Orlando, FL
    Club:
    Manchester United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Time to dust off the Classics

    The year is 2020, and little Tommy scouser is sitting around the DVTV
    multiplyer unit as his dad Tommy scouser is reminiscing about the
    great Liverpool sides of the past.

    "Tell me about the treble winning year dad" says Tommy jnr.

    "Agh the treble winners, now that was a team, Westerveld, Henchoz,
    Heskey, all wonderfully skilled players..a great side" replied his
    dad.

    "They swept all before them didn't they father?" queried the wide-eyed
    boy.

    "They did, Worthington cup, FA Cup, and UEFA cup. My God son they were
    awesome." Stated pops.

    'So the Worthington cup dad, who'd they beat," asked the youngster,
    "Was it Man United dad, or Everton?"

    "Well no, none of those son we stuffed Birmingham City, oh how we made
    those blue noses suffer!" added Scouser Tommy.

    "What was the score dad? Was it 6-0? I bet it was, wasn't it dad?
    I bet Michael Owen scored 6! Did he dad?" young Tommy quizzed
    excitedly.


    "Er no son, no it wasn't, actually Birmingham were a great side in
    them days, and we fought hard to take them to penalties, and
    eventually we stuffed them in sudden death!" squirmed the senior
    scouser.

    "Anyhow son, the FA Cup was the one they all wanted, and we were up
    against Arsenal" added Tommy senior as he tried to sweep his son along
    on a tide of euphoria.

    'Oh Arsenal dad, they won the league and European cup that year didn't
    they dad, oh I remember those players from history, Grimandi and Lee
    Dixon, they were famous all around Islington weren't they dad?" added
    junior.

    "True, true, oh it was a great game son, we nearly scored once in the
    first half you know. Oh I remember it well, oh how we cheered as after
    23 minutes we raided into Arsenal's half and Heskey had a header, that
    would've been less spectacular if the keeper wasn't 47 years old"
    Stated the proud dad.

    "How many shots did we actually have that day, father?" queried Tommy
    junior.

    "Well er, um, about 3."

    "And how many did Arsenal have dad? Asked Tommy.

    "Well about 9, but the weren't real chances" added Tommy senior.
    "Doesn't sound like much of a victory to me dad, just 2-1, sounds a
    bit lucky" sounded the young Liverpudlian.

    "Well maybe, but son the UEFA final was the big one, and we stuffed
    them, we scored five times" quickly added Tommy senior.

    "Five times wow, gee dad we must have given them a real hiding, who
    was it dad? Was it AC Milan or Real Madrid? Or was it Monaco dad? Who
    dad?"

    "Well son it was the Spanish giants, Alaves" stated the elder scouser.

    'Who?" asked wee Tommy.

    "ALAVES son, oh they were a big team in the Basque country back then.

    They had some massive names.

    "Who had they dad was it Rivaldo, he played in Spain then, or Raul who
    was it dad?"

    "No it wasn't Raul or Rivaldo. Cruyff played for them and the
    Norwegian international Eggen."

    "Johan Cruyff dad?"

    "No son, not Johan, Jordi he was almost as good as his dad. He once
    scored a hat-trick for Man United against Everton you know!"

    " Did he dad? What was that in?

    "Well the avons insurance combination league son!"

    "Oh so what was the final score dad 5-0?

    " No er, um agghh.it was 5-4 son"

    "5-4! They scored 4 times! Oh I get it dad, I remember once reading
    that 2 men were sent off in that final. So I take it Liverpool had 2
    men sent off after 5 minutes, and had sorta evened out the contest"

    'No son actually they had only 9 men son.."

    "Dad"

    "WHAT"

    "Who scored our winner that day?"

    " Er, um oh it was a fella called Geli."

    'Sorry dad I've a Liverpool A-Z here, and there is Gallagher, Gamble,
    Gerrard, but no Geli?"

    "Well son it was a OG"

    "We beat Alaves with an OG, dad we seem to be a very lucky side, how
    many more shots on goal did we have on them?"

    "Well, ag, er actually they had 9 and we had 8."

    "Dad?"

    WHAT?"

    "Can I go outside and nick some space pods from the heliovertors?"

    "Yeah go on son".

    ---------------
    Accept no imitations. There is only one treble.

    The Premier League, The FA Cup and The European Champions Cup!
     
  5. rudeboy

    rudeboy Member

    Jul 5, 2001
    Kansas City
    Only one Treble!

    Great jokes, absolutly wonderful
     
  6. mactheknife

    mactheknife New Member

    Aug 2, 2002
    Baton Rouge, LA
    Club:
    Chicago Fire
    oh my god...it hurts! make the laughing stop!
     
  7. El Toro

    El Toro New Member

    Aug 30, 2001
    Fountain & Fairfax
    Q... What would you get if United were relegated?
    A... 50,000 more Arsenal fans


    ........all in good fun :D
     
  8. Motterman

    Motterman Member

    Jul 8, 2002
    Orlando, FL
    Club:
    Manchester United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking' for a job."

    The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes,uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year."

    The scouser said "Nah, you're bull-shittin' me!"

    The man behind the counter said "Well you phookin started it!".
     
  9. 655321

    655321 New Member

    Jul 21, 2002
    The Mission, SF
    Apparently, it means it's time to roll out the same old jokes...

    ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

    Actually, if you think it about it, the funniest thing of all is that you guys have let Liverpool defeat you FIVE times in a row. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
     
  10. mactheknife

    mactheknife New Member

    Aug 2, 2002
    Baton Rouge, LA
    Club:
    Chicago Fire
    no, the funniest thing is going to be seeing you guys crash out of europet this year...i cant wait.
     
  11. 655321

    655321 New Member

    Jul 21, 2002
    The Mission, SF
    hehehe...I'll state facts, you can speculate, that's cool.
     
  12. Motterman

    Motterman Member

    Jul 8, 2002
    Orlando, FL
    Club:
    Manchester United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    It is a Saturday in the year 2020 and David Beckham is manager of Manchester United. It is a proud day for the manager as, for the first time in his short career, his second son Romeo joins his brother Brooklyn in the starting line -up.

    In the changing room Romeo notices that his brother is wearing the number 10 shirt. Romeo enquires of his dad "Which number shirt should I wear?"

    David replies "Wear 4 out there Romeo"
     
  13. Motterman

    Motterman Member

    Jul 8, 2002
    Orlando, FL
    Club:
    Manchester United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    A bartender was washing the glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman then looked towards the end of the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

    The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if it was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

    The third patron to enter the bar was a Scouser, who swaggered into the bar and yelled, "Barkeep', giv us a lager dere la! Hey, is dat God's Boy down dere?" The barkeeper nodded, so the Scouser told him to give Jesus a lager, too.

    As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out of the door. Jesus went up and touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian then felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out of the door.

    Jesus then walked towards the Scouser, but the Scouser jumped back and exclaimed, . . . .. "Don't you phookin touch me! I'm on Disability!"
     
  14. El Toro

    El Toro New Member

    Aug 30, 2001
    Fountain & Fairfax
    A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Man U fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Man U fans too. Not really knowing what a Man U fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Man U fan." Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "I'm proud to be a City fan.", boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a City fan. "Well, My Dad and Mom are City fans, and I'm a City fan too." The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?" A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be a Man U fan."
     
  15. El Toro

    El Toro New Member

    Aug 30, 2001
    Fountain & Fairfax
    One day an Arsenal, a Man Utd. and a Liverpool fan decided to put their differences behind them and discuss the merits of their teams in civilized manner down the local pub. After several hours of discussion and drinking they decide to leave the establishment and make their way to the exit. As they push each other through the doorway one of them knocks over a bottle. WHOOSSHH - A genie suddenly appears and says "I have been trapped inside this bottle for 200 years, now I will grant you all one wish in thanks for your deed" The arsenal fan considers for a moment and says "I want to be back at Highbury and see Tony Adams lift the Premier trophy again". Moments later his wish is granted and he is back at a packed Highbury at end of season watching his team walk away with the title. The Man Utd fan says "I want the Premiership trophy back at Old Trafford and a huge wall erected around Manchester to keep outsiders out and the trophy inside." Moments later the scum fan finds himself back in the grotty surroundings of Salford and a huge wall is erected around the City. The Liverpool fan considers for a short while and says "Tell me about this wall, Genie ?" "well" says the Genie, "It's 50 foot high, 20 feet wide and nothing can get over, around or through it" The Liverpool fan replies "Oh well in that case fill the ******************er with water"
     

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