Revs use Dempsey allocation money...

Foxboro, MA (2/5/08) The New England Revolution have announced the signing of 350 pound offensive tackle Harold Bigbones from Central High School for allocation money and to occupy the designated player slot. A team spokesman, who asked not to be identified, stated that "anyone who saw how Tom Brady got clobbered in the Superbowl has to recognize the importance of this move. Although the likelihood of us getting a starter with our low NFL draft picks is minimal, we figured that we could use the synergy of our two franchises to make this pickup of a player who we are sure to be a future hall-of-famer. He can lift a car overhead and is still growing, for heaven sakes!"

The NFL does not allow drafting of high school students, but there is no problem signing promising athletes to an MLS contract as early as age 14. "Heck, we could even provide cash for college... if he could ever finish high school." Sources say that the fact that he is about to fail out of high school and pending legal issues has partially motivated the timing of this move. Team spokesmen say that the contract will actually appear on the Revolution books and won't count against the NFL cap. "The Revolution don't use the cap space anyway... this is a perfect example of why we have sunk nearly 12 years in this miserable soccer franchise. We thought we might get a kicker out of it, but who knew we were going to get a star lineman."

The team spokeman says that he is not certain whether this will provide motivation for other NFL owners to get involved in MLS. When MLS was contacted for comment, Ivan (comissioner-in-waiting) Gazidis said that there was nothing in the rules against signing high school discovery players and, as far as the Dempsey money is concerned, as long as it is going to improve the football team, the league is all for it. When told that this was the other football, he said that he would have to look into it but that the decision was already made. "We were told that he was a world class offensive player, and that is what we are looking for in MLS. In any event, all publicity is good publicity, right?"

As for Harold, he has his team physical tomorrow and will fly to Bermuda with the team for preseason work. "He needs a little work on his conditioning and his tan before the start of spring NFL workouts. Maybe he can kick some butt while he is over there. Also, this will give us some time to work on lining up a crack legal defense team."