OT:jokes from my inbox...

Discussion in 'Chelsea Off Topic Threads' started by srd...., Dec 13, 2005.

  1. chief232

    chief232 Member

    Jun 29, 2007
    Mississauga, Ontario
    Chelsea FC
    Nat'l Team:
    Really pushing it aren't you?
  2. fedwood

    fedwood Member

    Sep 13, 2004
    taking bets on how long until that yellow turns red
  3. Rick B

    Rick B Member

    Aug 26, 2003
    Harare, Zimbabwe
    Arsenal FC
    Nat'l Team:
    Son, any silly haircut like that deserves a ban!!! :p

    Congrats, forum banned.
  4. WinningEleven

    WinningEleven Member

    Jun 23, 2006
    Manchester United FC
    Nat'l Team:

    I'm still BAAAAAAAAAALLIN!!! :D
  5. Rick B

    Rick B Member

    Aug 26, 2003
    Harare, Zimbabwe
    Arsenal FC
    Nat'l Team:
    Issue with forum bans at present. One more post and I will Red card you which means you can't post anywhere. I will let you make that choice. You either keep to the ban yourself and PM me or post here once more and you are gone for good.
  6. Motterman

    Motterman Member

    Jul 8, 2002
    Orlando, FL
    Manchester United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    A young guy from Alabama moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

    The Manager says "Do you have any sales experience?"

    The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alabama."

    Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

    After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

    "How many sales did you make today?"

    The kid says "one".

    The boss says "Just one?! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day.

    How much was the sale for?"

    The kid says "$101,237.65".

    The boss says "$101,237.65?" What the heck did you sell?

    The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.

    Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

    The kid said "No sir, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife and I said, well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing".
  7. Motterman

    Motterman Member

    Jul 8, 2002
    Orlando, FL
    Manchester United FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

    The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

    When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

    A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob and starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

    Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

    She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time."
  8. yasik19

    yasik19 Moderator
    Staff Member

    Oct 21, 2004
    Daly City
  9. yasik19

    yasik19 Moderator
    Staff Member

    Oct 21, 2004
    Daly City
    Temperature Extremes

    +20 C - Greeks put on sweaters (if they can find them).
    +15 C - Hawaiians turn on the heaters (if they have them).
    +10 C - Americans shake, Russians are planting cucumbers .
    +5 C - You can see your own breathing. Italian cars don't start.
    Norwegians take a bath. Russians drive with lowered windows.
    0 C - Water freezes in America, in Russia it thickens. -5 C- French cars
    don't start.
    -10 C - You're planning a vacation to Australia.
    -15 C- Your cat insists to sleep in your bed. Norwegians put on
    -18 C - New York landlords turn on the heaters. Russians make their
    last seasonal picnic.
    -20 C - American cars don't start. People in Alaska start wearing
    -25 C - German cars don't start. Hawaiians are dead.
    -30 C - Politicians start talking about homeless people. Your cat
    prefers to sleep in your pajamas.
    -35 C - Too cold to think. Japanese cars don't start.
    -40 C - You're planning a 2-week hot tub bath. Swedish cars don't
    -42 C - Transportation stops in Europe. Russians eat ice cream on the
    -45 C - All Greeks are dead. Politicians really start doing something
    for the homeless.
    -50 C - Your eyelids start sticking when you blink. In Alaska, people
    close the window in the bathroom.
    -60 C - White bears start moving south.
    -70 C - Hell froze.
    -73 C - Finnish special services evacuate Santa Claus from Lapland.
    Russians wear earmuff hats.
    -80 C - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
    -114 C - Ethyl alcohol is freezing. Russians are unhappy.
    -273 C - Absolute zero, atomic movement stops. Russians wear boots.
    -295 C - 90% of the planet is dead. Russian soccer team becomes the
    world champion.
  10. mother_goose

    mother_goose Member

    Dec 30, 2003
    Chelsea FC
    Subject: An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.

    An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
    They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
    He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
    They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

    Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
    Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

    Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

    When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

    Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
    As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock."Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

    Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.
    "What's wrong?" says Jesus

    The Scouser shouts,"f**k off, I'm on disability benefit!"
  11. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
  12. srd....

    srd.... Member

    Apr 20, 2004
    Cork City.
    Things that only happen in movies....

    It is always possible to find a parking spot directly outside or opposite the building you are visiting.

    When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a note. Just grab one out at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

    Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment it’s aired.

    Creepy music (or satanic chanting) coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.

    Any lock can be picked with a credit card or paperclip in seconds. UNLESS it’s the door to a burning building with a child inside.

    If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital displays so you know exactly when they are going to explode.

    Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to learn to speak German. Simply speaking English with a German accent will do. Similarly, when they are alone, all German soldiers prefer to speak English to each other.

    Once applied, lipstick will never rub off. Even while scuba diving.

    The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

    Any police officer about to retire from the force will more often than not die on their last day (especially if their family have planned a party). (Caveat: Detectives can only solve a case after they have been suspended from duty).

    Getaway cars never start first go. But all cop cars do. (They will also slide to a dramatic stop in the midst of a crime scene).

    If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

    On a police stake-out, the action will only ever take place when food is being consumed and scalding hot coffees are perched precariously on the dashboard…

    All grocery shopping involves the purchase of French loaves which will be placed in open brown paper bags (Caveat: when said bags break, only fruit will spill out).

    Cars never need fuel (unless they’re involved in a pursuit).

    If you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your opponents will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around you in a threatening manner until you have defeated their predecessor.

    If a microphone is turned on it will immediately feedback.

    Guns are like disposable razors. If you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. you will always find another one.

    All single women have a cat.

    Cars will explode instantly when struck by a single bullet.

    No matter how savagely a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

    If being chased through a city you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.

    The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.

    You will survive any battle in any war UNLESS you show someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

    Prostitutes always look like Julia Roberts or Jamie Lee Curtis. They have expensive clothes and nice apartments but no pimps. They are friendly with the shopkeepers in their neighbourhood who don’t mind at all what the girl does for a living.

    A single match is usually sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

    It is not necessary to say “Hello” or “Goodbye” when beginning a telephone conversation. A disconnected call can always be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying “Hello? Hello?” repeatedly.

    One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at once (this is known as Stallone’s Law).

    When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in you room will still be visible, just slightly bluish.

    Plain or even ugly girls can become movie star pretty simply by removing their glasses and rearranging their hair.

    Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies with complicated devices incorporating fuses, pulleys, deadly gases, lasers and man-eating sharks.

    All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach to armpit level on a woman but only up to the waist of the man lying beside her.

    Anyone can land a 747 as long as there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

    During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

    You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

    Most musical instruments (especially wind instruments and accordions) can be played without moving your fingers.

    In Middle America, all gas station attendants have red handkerchiefs hanging out of their back pockets.

    All teen house parties have one of every stereotypical subculture present (even people who aren’t liked and would never get invited to parties).

    Trucks use their horns at random (no hang on, that happens in real life too!).

    When someone steals a car, the drivers seat is always in the correct position.

    One person, generally the hero, has the Daredevilesque ability to hear faint talking in the background of audio recordings that no one else initally hears. He alerts the others to this by saying, “Wait. What was that? Go back.”

    Important news on TV is always slightly too quiet, prompting the main character to turn up the volume.

    When about to have sex, clothes melt seamlessly off bodies. No one ever needs to sit down and take off shoes and socks.


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