OFFICIAL (Not Really) MetroFan Guide to DC

Discussion in 'D.C. United' started by Gunnersaurus, Oct 15, 2004.

  1. Gunnersaurus

    Gunnersaurus Member

    Mar 24, 2001
    Jurassic Period
    Arsenal FC
    Yes, just like Art Buchwald's Thanksgiving column, G. Rex's pre-Rotmasters game article emerges from the ether...

    OFFICIAL MetroFan Guide to DC
    Are you a MetroFan? Coming to DC for the upcoming match? Here are a few tips which will make your journey a much more memorable experience!

    Getting Here
    Whether traveling by air, rail, or car, there are a few things to keep in mind.

    Air travelers should remember that Reagan airport is by far the most convenient to the city - but take note! When you get on the Metro on your way home, don't go to the wrong airport! Look for the word "Reagan" on those signs!

    Veteran Amtrak passengers know the most lavish and beautiful station on the eastern seaboard is at BWI. Fine dining and shopping are available, and it's a quick cab ride to downtown.

    Driving? Well, here's a little tip: take the Jersey Pike down to the Garden State - and all the way to the end. There's a convenient ferry from Cape Ann that's just a treasure, and you can avoid those unpleasant bridge delays.

    Getting Around Town
    Our subway system, the Metro, is an inexpensive, clean, safe way to get around. Don't have exact change? No problem! At nearly every Metro entrance you'll see a seemingly unkempt gentleman, offering you change from a plastic cup. Dig in! These guys are a real life saver. We love them so much, we consider them our own version of the MetroSTARS!

    Cabbing around town is also quite convenient and inexpensive. But a note of warning: If you hail a cab that does not have a meter, beware! These are the equivalent of New York's "gypsy" cabs, and should be avoided by all means. If you enter a cab with no meter, exit immediately, slam the door, and start cursing as loudly as possible. This will alert other potential travelers of the impending peril.

    There are so many things to do in the Nation's Capital, it's almost hard to think of where to start!

    W's in the White House now. He loves to chat with visitors and you know what a fan of firearms he is! Bring your gun collection over to 1600 Pennsylvania, and just drop by unannounced. Or better yet, phone ahead and let them know you're coming.

    Another popular destination is the Smithsonian Institution. Take Metro to the Smithsonian station, get off, and ask the station attendant where the Smithsonian is. He'll be glad to point it out.

    Nightlife abounds in the Capital City. MetroDudes can make friends by visiting the many bars in the vibrant Dupont Circle area. Or visit close-by 14th Street, where DC's hard working office women like to relax, cleverly disguised in micro-mini skirts, tube tops, and spike heels. If you're a young lady looking for a night of entertaining companionship, there are many powerful men in Washington with big expense accounts - I'd recommend getting a Congressional Directory and looking up "G. C. from California".

    The Game
    You might think that all real DC United fans will wear black and red to the game, and are members of the Screaming Eagles, Barra Brava, The Choir, El Norte, or some such group - but not so! The real die-hard fans are members of a secret organization called snarodavlaS. Dressed in light blue and white, these are the people to bother! They also truly enjoy a sporting game of "beer and nacho toss" - where the idea of the game is to toss your beer and nachos as close to your opponent without actually hitting them as possible.

    Well, there you have it. If you're visiting from up north, just by following a couple of these tips, a splendid time is guaranteed for all.

    Going for Art Buchwald's record (and only about 45 years to go...)
    Your Friend,
    G. Rex
  2. CHICO13

    CHICO13 Moderator
    Staff Member

    Oct 4, 2001
    SECTION 135
    The Strongest La Paz
    Nat'l Team:
    Great advise from the GMan. I think all three of you coming down should print this thread off and tuck it in your pocket.
  3. Bill-DC

    Bill-DC Member+

    May 20, 2002
    For Metro fans, I might add that when visiting the White House, a good tip to get in a lot quicker is to climb the fence in front of the White House. Showing you can scale this fence will impress everyone and you'll definitely get some attention before your tour of the grounds.
  4. Gunnersaurus

    Gunnersaurus Member

    Mar 24, 2001
    Jurassic Period
    Arsenal FC
    Danke, Señor trece.

    Tu amigo,
    G. Rex
  5. roadkit

    roadkit Greetings from the Fringe of Obscurity

    Jul 2, 2003
    Fornax Cluster
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Fixed/updated your post. :D
  6. RFK 315

    RFK 315 New Member

    Jun 15, 2003
    DC United
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Great advice, all.
    There's only one thing I would add- the traditional TAILgate party at that super-trendy club near RFK - "DC Jail." If you're taking the Metro to the Stadium, use the DC General exit, and keep going straight- you can't miss the faux-dungeon architecture of one of the city's most popular hangouts ! If you can manage to force your way in, you'll find you won't be able to leave ! Enjoy !
  7. TEConnor

    TEConnor New Member

    Feb 22, 1999
    One thing you left out is that if they drive down, DC's very helpful street grid system makes navigating incredibly simple. All streets run north-south or east-west just like in Manhattan! Unlike in New England, there are no "rotaries" to worry about.

  8. tanekaberi

    tanekaberi New Member

    May 29, 2004
    Takoma Park MD
    Hey Guys,
    Don't forget the world famous swimming oppurtunities at RFK. Be the first member of the Eastern Branch Skinny Dippers Club to live in New Jersey!!!

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