Mods: please sticky through October. During our record setting, Wooden Spoon-winning 2013 season, @Q*bert Jones III made the pain slightly less severe by starting the Official 2013 DC United Gallows Humor Thread. After last night's hilarity, it seems appropriate to try this particular palliative again.
I'll start: Chad Ashton totaled his car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, he managed to pry himself from the wreckage without a scratch and was catching his breath when a Virginia state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK?" "Yeah, I'm a little shaken up, but I'm fine," Ashton replied. "How the hell did this happen?" the officer asked as he looked at the wrecked car. "Well, it was the strangest thing!" Ashton began. "I was driving along the highway when, from out of nowhere, this tree pops up in front of me! So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was --" "Uh, sir," the officer said, cutting him off, "There isn't a tree along the side of this road for miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
A security guard in the mall noticed a man constantly following another person, yet he was always two steps behind the person being followed. After watching this behavior for 45 minutes, the guard stopped the man who was following others. He asked "why are you following that person around the mall, but always two steps behind him?" The man answered, "I'm a defender for DC United and I'm practicing my man marking technique."
BREAKING NEWS: Wayne Rooney has already submitted his resignation as DC United manager, without ever having managed a match. Apparently the sticking point is a lack of availability of funds for players and for training upgrades. "I should have realized earlier this was going to be an issue," said Rooney. "One of the first instructions I received when I came to DCU as a player was to open a Gmail account. All players on DCU are required to create Gmail accounts as a team cost-cutting measure, so that on travel, they can eat the spam."
MLS announced today that they're funding the creation of a documentary about DC United's history. "We feel that this film will pay tribute to one of the great teams from the history of Major League Soccer," said Don Garber, MLS Commissioner. "It will also ensure appropriate attention is paid to a team that continues to play a vital role in improving the League as a whole by providing an example to the other teams of what not to do, both on and off the pitch," Garber said.
As my dad always used to say, you’re never completely useless — you can always be used as a bad example.
We need some more #TaxiMagic or we're getting the Wooden Spoon. Thank your deity of choice that there's no relegation.
I played as a kid on a Fairfax County coed U-7 team. We could give this DC United a run for their money, though Taxi might give us trouble.
Landon Donovan Pines The GOAT or the goat? Goal scorer or shock horror? Lost his hair or lost a pair?
DC United players never drill triangles in training, because what's the use in getting them used to three points?