I Got Another Email From Christian Gomez

Lowecifer · Nov 10, 2004

gocaps said:

Why does Ben Iroha only post his musings to the SE list, anyway? If Christian can get on BS, I think Ben should too
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Yes, he has many things to say about the devil Meola.

gocaps · Nov 10, 2004

Lowecifer said:

Yes, he has many things to say about the devil Meola.
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Did you see the last one? He was going on about how he had turned Freddy into a Strong African Man, at the behest of the DC front office, via a tribal hunt of some kind. I wanted to be able to rep a post on the list!

Bambule GK · Nov 10, 2004

Tweaked said:

Can we please, please turn some of this into a chant for Sunday...
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When we win, how 'bout swapping out Campeones with Ventilators?

Lowecifer · Nov 10, 2004

gocaps said:

Did you see the last one? He was going on about how he had turned Freddy into a Strong African Man, at the behest of the DC front office, via a tribal hunt of some kind. I wanted to be able to rep a post on the list!
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I'm not on that list anymore.

monster · Nov 10, 2004

Lowecifer said:

I'm not on that list anymore.
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Here you go.

Africa rejoice!

As the cold season approached last year, about the time of the harvest,
I was out in the veldt catching a wild boar to sacrifice for the
traditional blessing of earth, wind, and fire. Then a dark shadow overtook
the land. I looked up to see a giant, whirling, electrical bird hovered
over me, blotting out the sun.

The bird descended, and from its belly emerged my white father,
KevinPayne. Speaking in the Bachama dialect, he addressed me, "Oh vaunted
African warrior, slayer of goats and lions, father of nations, killer of
our enemies, sower of crops, teacher of the young, I have come to pay
respects and offer great tribute."

I had not seen Chief KevinPayne in very long. It was good.

He said, "Oh Ben, I have something special for you."

And the giant, noisy, whirly bird disgorged from its bowels a young
boy, an African. He looked to be a Dagomba, or perhaps a Ewe or maybe one
of the Adangbe tribe.

"What is this?" I demanded. "Why do you interrupt me in the
preparations of the sacred feast?"

Chief KevinPayne said, "This is Freddy Adu. He is for you."

I was very happy. I like gifts. Plus, I had been out in the veldt all
day and was hungry.

The young boy looked tender, so I prepared to run him through with my
spear, its long shaft beflecked with the feathers of the wazzani ostrich
I had hunted beyond the great Falls named after the white goddess/queen
Victoria with the bad teeth.

As I was doing this, and as I wondered if I had any salt in my pouch,
Kevin Payne jumped in front of the boy with the quickness of a gazelle
(a rather plump one) and said no, do not kill this one. He is not like
the others KevinPayne has so often brought me. This one, said
KevinPayne, is special. He is not to eat. He is to teach.

I was puzzled. And, because I was hungry, disappointed. Why, Chief
KevinPayne, do you come to me? And what must I teach him?

He has skills, said Chief KevinPayne. But he does not have sense or
heart. Teach him what is inside.

I could not refuse an instruction from the chief, so I took Freddy with
me. We began to walk. For many days we walked. Over rivers, through
woods, in deep valleys and over high mountains. I killed a giraffe to make
pelts for the cool evenings. We walked, until Freddy's bunions pained
him through and through.

We walked more.

We walked and walked and walked until we entered the region of Edo. We
stole down to the river, where the Bini maidens were doing wash and
frollicking with the hippos. The Binis are savages. Their women will
sometimes cover their chestbones with pelts, obscuring their native,
drooping beauty. Ben Iroha likes few things better than to kill or enslave the
Bini savages.

We surprised and took away several of the Binis, tying them with ropes
and marching them off. I prodded the fat ones with my spear to make
them walk faster. We walked, and walked, and walked. When we would get
hungry, Freddy and I would stop and eat a Bini. Tough, like water buffalo,
but tasty.

Finally, we made camp. Freddy, I said, tonight, under the moon of our
ancestors, you will become a man.

I picked the most ornery of the Binis, who, truth be told, was fairly
docile after the long trek. Freddy took the woman into the tall grass.
Amid the shrieks of nature, the curdling yelps of passion, and the deep
and heavy breaths of the act of love, Freddy Adu passed the rites of
manhood.

They emerged from the tall grass. The woman said to me with a dazed
look in her eyes, and in that nasally Bini accent that makes you want to
snap their necks like chickens, "Oh Warrior Iroha, I have just been
nutmegged."

Freddy knew instinctively what to do next. He took his sharpened tool
and he cut her neck. His hands soaked in the blood of sacrifice, he used
his tool to lop off her head. Setting it on a stump, he chopped it
open. We drank the Bini blood -- gathering the strength of our enemies! --
and ate the steaming gunk. The gods were happy with our triumph.

We let the Binis go (except for one we skinned and put in our salted
pouches -- I developed a taste for beef jerky many summers ago during a
motor coach trek to the tribe of Hampton Roads). Then we walked. And we
walked. And walked some more.

Freddy's bunions were aflame by the time we returned to the electric
whirly bird. It took up young Freddy and Chief KevinPayne into its loud,
electric womb.

And it left.

When it had come, it had brought to me a young boy. In leaving, it took
away a strong African warrior, schooled in the arts of war and of love,
and ready to kill lions and other foes.
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MightyMouse · Nov 10, 2004

DC UNITED >>> Masters of Eastern Conference

I think I need to be put on a ventilator after reading that one...

dsheon · Nov 10, 2004

Has anyone ever seen Tim Connor and Ben Iroha in the same place? I thought not.

GrillMaster · Nov 10, 2004

That was probably the funniest thread I have ever read on Big Soccer! Multi LOL (as Italians might say).

Ferocious eyeteeth
Horseradish tree
Ventilators

Classic!!

Ven-ti-lators,
Ven-ti-lators,
Are we are we are we?

Ven-ti-lators,
Ven-ti-lators,
Are we are we are we?

GM

nancyb · Nov 10, 2004

This one should have a had a laugh warning attached. My God, tears are streaming down my face. Horseradish Tree?

Lanky134 · Nov 10, 2004

nancyb said:

This one should have a had a laugh warning attached. My God, tears are streaming down my face. Horseradish Tree?
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Too bad we don't have Sea Turtle anymore...

Marco10 · Nov 10, 2004

The creativity of United fans never ceases to amaze me!!

BenC1357 · Nov 10, 2004

GrillMaster said:

That was probably the funniest thread I have ever read on Big Soccer! Multi LOL (as Italians might say).
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I'm lurking around over here and I have to agree. About as funny as I've read in a while.

Ok, back to lurking...

Lowecifer · Nov 10, 2004

Fearsome are the Bunions of Ben Iroha

Barbara · Nov 10, 2004

That Ben Iroha thing is almost - but not quite - enough to get me to resubscribe to the SE list.

monster · Nov 10, 2004

BarbaraJune said:

That Ben Iroha thing is almost - but not quite - enough to get me to resubscribe to the SE list.
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It's whipped cream on top of dog ********, believe me.

Bill-DC · Nov 10, 2004

BarbaraJune said:

That Ben Iroha thing is almost - but not quite - enough to get me to resubscribe to the SE list.
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I thought it was shut down. I lost track when I switched my e-mail address and forgot how to re-sub.

Bill

monster · Nov 11, 2004

Bill-DC said:

I thought it was shut down. I lost track when I switched my e-mail address and forgot how to re-sub.

Bill
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It's a Yahoo list on DCU, not an SE list now.

It also included the genius that we should leave Freddy unprotected because no one would take him since he'll eventually earn a high salary or some idiocy like that.

Bill-DC · Nov 11, 2004

monster said:

It's a Yahoo list on DCU, not an SE list now.

It also included the genius that we should leave Freddy unprotected because no one would take him since he'll eventually earn a high salary or some idiocy like that.
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Thanks. After seeing that I think I will remain unsubbed for now....

gocaps · Nov 11, 2004

monster said:

It's whipped cream on top of dog ********, believe me.
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There has never been a better example of "truth in advertising" than this statement.

Jegao Paraiba · Nov 11, 2004

LN - Dougg said:

Great letter... Quick q, did Christian write this himself in English?

Dougg
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Babblefish is a free online translation tool. It's completely computerized and completely literal. If you have a passing familiarity with the language being translated, though, you can get the gist of the missive.

Jegao Paraiba · Nov 11, 2004

TEConnor said:

...and again, desire to thank for them not to threaten the lives of the players.
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You're welcome.
I didn't think you'd noticed that I've radically curtailed by death threats.
My voodoo on the other hand...

Onionsack · Dec 30, 2004

Well sounds like Gomez has caught wind of this thread.

from MLSNET
Christian Gomez
The other goal is to finally learn English."

Good resolution "Gomer" could this be the end of ventilators and horseradish tree!!..tune in next week.

Lanky134 · Dec 30, 2004

Onionsack said:

Well sounds like Gomez has caught wind of this thread.

from MLSNET
Christian Gomez
The other goal is to finally learn English."

Good resolution "Gomer" could this be the end of ventilators and horseradish tree!!..tune in next week.
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You gotta admit it's a helluva lot better than Lisi's "I don't have one."

Between that and the statement that the worst gift he ever received was a book, you get the feeling both that Lisi is a boring twit and someone at MLSNet doesn't like him very much.

Cantankerous · Dec 30, 2004

Lanky134 said:

You gotta admit it's a helluva lot better than Lisi's "I don't have one."

Between that and the statement that the worst gift he ever received was a book, you get the feeling both that Lisi is a stupid boring twit and someone at MLSNet doesn't like him very much.
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Fixed your post.

tmas · Dec 30, 2004

Lanky134 said:

You gotta admit it's a helluva lot better than Lisi's "I don't have one."

Between that and the statement that the worst gift he ever received was a book, you get the feeling both that Lisi is a boring twit and someone at MLSNet doesn't like him very much.
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That quote basically sums up the Scum in many ways, along with Lisi himself.