I've got a problem. You see, I'm incredibly frustrated at my wife's seeming close-mindedness towards books/movies/music different than her expressed likes. For example, she loves 80's music, and books/movies like Where The Heart Is and Bridget Jones' Diary. She constantly complains when I watch my favorite movies (LOTR, for one). She's always reading Bridget Jones knockoffs. She claims she "doesn't like" fantasy or sci-fi (or any other type of book, really - history, non-fiction, etc), even tho I've not once ever seen her read said genres, nor has she ever as far as I know. Whenever I ask her to explain why she doesn't like them, she can't - she just doesn't. Now, I have no problem with divergent tastes... variety is the spice of life. I would have no problem if she picked up some Tolkien, gave it an honest effort, and decided she didn't like it. But she has already decided she won't like it without reading word one. She fell asleep at LOTR, and I suspect on purpose - she talked about how much she didn't want to see the film beforehand. I wasn't uber-enthusiastic about seeing About A Boy (not a big Grant fan), but I went with an open mind and really liked it! How can I ease her into trying new things? My first thought was that we could choose books for each other off of a "best 100 books of the 20th century" list. ( http://www.boulderbooks.com/Radcliffe.html ) I.e., she chooses a book for me to read (that I haven't yet), and I choose one for her. Anyone have any other good suggestions?
i think reading the books together is the best way to go in the beginning... get a bottle of wine, grab a blanket and get cozy on the couch. either get two copies of the book, or you can read aloud to eachother. one of my favorite things to do is have someone read to me. too bad my boyfriend hates reading aloud.
The book thing is a good idea, just don't do Joyce or she'll never trust your judgment again. I feel your frustration though, that situation sucks.
Good luck to you, but if you can solve this problem perhaps you should move on to world hunger. My wife share the same problems with music, movies and excercise. She reads the paper. I read cybersoccernews.com. I feel your pain. If I've learned anything its 1. You can't change anybody. don't try. 2. Relationships take lots of effort to make them work. Don't give up looking for that common ground. It doesn't have to be movies and books ect... 3stripe, great suggestion, although I could never read outloud.
You know, when I read this thread title, I thought for sure that Foosinho was trying to get his wife to try a menage-a-trois -- with another woman, of course.
Have you read any of her chick books? She doesn't have to justify her likes and dislikes, you know. She doesn't have to give a reason for not liking fantasy or sci fi - it's well within her right as an american to issue blanket statements of preference without giving you a reason. You seem to have just the tiniest hint of a superior attitude about the whole and maybe that's making her dig in her heels. I know it would me. On the other hand, you have the same right to like and dislike whatever you choose and to watch the kinds of movies you like to watch without her b!tching at you about it. Ugh. Marriage. How do people have the energy?
The reading to each other suggestion is a good idea (try bedtime--if she really hates the book you've chosen she might try something special just to shut you up). An alternative would be to do his and hers books on tape/cd the next time you take a long driving trip. It's amazing how receptive you are to something you might otherwise be resistant to when the only other choice is the dead boredom of the Ohio Turnpike. A word of caution: My wife (a lovely intelligent woman and my very best friend) is a HS special ed teacher and is fascinated by all the teen soap operas on TV. This pap makes my teeth wobble and my flesh creep but I have learned to reign in my disdain because she has a tendency to take my rolling eyes, gagging noises, snorts of disgust, etc. as a personal insult. On the other hand, it hurts my feelings when I read her something that I find fascinating (usually from a history book) and she can't get over the fact that it involves human suffering or other kinds of stuff that appeals to guys. Set some ground rules along the lines of respect for the other's opinion or it could get ugly.
Bungadiri's points about respect are a big part of my frustrations - she regularly blows off stuff I find fascinating or earth-shattering as completely unimportant. It's difficult. Junebug - I do justify all of my likes and dislikes. I happen to think it's important to understand the whys of the world. I also know she finds it frustrating that I expect the same out of people around me - even tho my questioning of motive is not an attack or insult, but intended to be thought provoking. I hardly ever get on her case anymore about all the self-admitted prime-time tripe she watches - I just go play computer games or sit next to her on the couch and read a book (If I had to watch any more of the stuff I probably couldn't control myself!). Besides, I don't have a problem with the books she reads... its the ones she dismisses out-of-hand that bother me. Anyway, we agreed on the "best 100" lists, and have already scratched off the books we've read. After I finish Brilliant Orange we'll probably start picking books for each other. I'll probably pick out Brave New World for her. We'll see what she decides to lay on me in retribution!
I thought the same thing, I was going to suggest lubricants and porn. How about another movie based on a Hornby novel? I heard the one with the soccer team in it was pretty good.
THESE ARE THE TWO BEST PIECES OF PERSONAL ADVICE EVER POSTED ON BIGSOCCER!! I've lived with my girlfriend for four years now. If I've learned nothing else, I've certainly learned that she will never be as into The History Channel or documentaries of when Chelsea were any good (coincidentally also aired on The History Channel) as I am. She won't even get into something like a Tom Clancy book which has a grounding in fact, but is essentially a made up story. You know what? That's ok. She's been trying to shove Anne Rice novels and afternoons of Lifetime Movie Network down my throat for years! It's fine. I love her for who she is (most of the time) and she loves me. We love each other, and in all likelihood, there's nobody better out there for either of us. These things are a pittance. If you wanted someone exactly like you, why are you not still alone? I think Depeche Mode said it best: "SOMEBODY" by Depeche Mode "I want somebody to share Share the rest of my life Share my innermost thoughts Know my intimate details Someone who'll stand by my side And give me support And in return She'll get my support She will listen to me When I want to speak About the world we live in And life in general THOUGH MY VIEWS MAY BE WRONG THEY MAY EVEN BE PERVERTED SHE'LL HEAR ME OUT AND WON'T EASILY BE CONVERTED TO MY WAY OF THINKING IN FACT SHE'LL OFTEN DISAGREE BUT AT THE END OF IT ALL SHE WILL UNDERSTAND ME I want somebody who cares For me passionately With every thought and With every breath SOMEONE WHO'LL HELP ME SEE THINGS IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT ALL THE THINGS I DETEST I WILL ALMOST LIKE I don't want to be tied To anyone's strings I'm carefully trying to steer clear of Those things But when I'm asleep I want somebody Who will put their arms around me And kiss me tenderly Though things like this Make me sick In a case like this I'll get away with it
Thank God my husband can deal with the fact I don't like reading the same things he does. I mean, the idea of reading numerous books per year on World War II simply does not appeal to me. I can deal with him not want to read Nick Hornby. Fortunately, we both love music, even though he's not as passionate and doesn't have the diverse taste I have.
Foos, it's inevitable that you and your spouse will have differences in taste. You and your wife's tastes are similar to my wife's and mine. I do admit without shame that I enjoy some "chick" stuff, like "Bridget Jones's Diary" (although I find stuff like "Maid in Manhattan" insufferable), but my wife has absolutely no interest in LOTR, Star Wars, or soccer. And I respect that, just like she respects my disinterest in her "chick" things. I think what Astorian says is true -- these differences are a trifle when it comes to a good relationship. What's really important is that you have the same basic outlook on life and that you respect each other's differences. Respect is key. In fact, instead of trying to get your wife to appreciate the things that you like and that she doesn't, why don't you just let her know that you're going to go off and appreciate them without her? If she's secure enough in your relationship, she won't mind. Don't force her to go see "The Two Towers." Go and see it with a friend who will appreciate it, or go see it by yourself (I know some people feel weird going to movies alone, but to me that just says that the person isn't secure enough with themselves). Just because you're married doesn't mean you're attached at the hip to your wife.
Damn, I had beers with Yanks FC and even had him to my place to watch a game and had no idea he liked Bridget Jones Diary, if I knew then what i know now Foos, all I can say is good luck, it's hard as hell. Luckily my girl likes Gin, Soccer, and Baseball (which is pretty much all I need). I've been able to get past her love of No Doubt and she's able to get past my enjoyment of some good metal. But it isn't easy. Books are a goopd start, but with something like Brave New World that may be a bit ambitious. Start with something that can't really be read so many different ways like Steinbeck. You can't read much into taht besides pure defeatism.
This happens to everyone. For example: Stuff she likes that I hate: --Figure skating --Chick Flicks, especially The Joy Luck Club, The Scarlet Letter, The Breakfast Club --80s music, especially Duran Duran, Taylor Dayne, Madonna --Detective novels, esp. James Patterson --foods with lots of pickles, onions and peppers --having a clean house --Redbook, Readers Digest --Entertainment Tonight Stuff I like that she hates: --Football and soccer --Psychological movies like Silence of the Lambs --Heavy Metal, especially Black Sabbath, although she likes the hair metal bands of the 80s like Cinderella --Fantasy novels (Robert Jordan, George RR Martin) --Thai or Indian food --having a clean car --ESPN the Magazine, National Geographic --Discovery Wings Channel Stuff we surprisingly both like: --Six Feet Under --Red Wings hockey --Harry Potter, both the books and the films; Star Wars, LOTR, Purple Rain, Men In Black --Italian, Mexican and Chinese food
I really feel like I didn't get my intent across very well... this idea was all about increasing understanding between each other. FWIW, my girl is a big footy fan - I met her at the 2000 MLS All-Star game. Tho she does claim there is such a thing as "too much football". I think she's crazy. Also, she was insistent on going to see Two Towers with me, even tho she slept thru the first one and was certain she would sleep thru the 2nd because she wanted to support what I like. I had to convince her it was OK if she didn't go. So, I'm going to the film Saturday after my brother flies in from Chicago, and my wife is going to My Big Fat Greek Wedding with her cousin at the same time. Movies don't bother me. I just want us to cross-pollinate on the books. And we are going to try it. Oh yes, I eat a mostly vegetarian (and 99% organic) diet now (not really by choice!), and before it started getting dark before I left work I was going to the barn with her to visit her horse nearly every day... so it's not like I'm not being supportive and interested in what she does and likes. In fact, we are planning on getting a yearling foal this coming summer, and gradually training it to be a younger replacement for the current horse (which would then become mine), and buying some land and building a small horse farm on it. If not for her horse passion, I'd probably be living in an urban loft for the rest of my life.