OK I need cheering up and rubbish jokes make me laugh. So give us your best...or worst. (But please keep it clean and inoffensive). I'll start. Two caterpillars walking along and a butterfly flew over them. One turned to the other and said "You wouldn't catch me up there in one of those things!!". I challenge you all to do worse than this!!
Woman walks into a cocktail bar, asks the barman for a 'double entendre' so he gave her one. Lame? I got a million
You've upped the standard a bit there Stomper, shame on you. Time to lower it again. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby Balloon can't sleep, so he gets in bed with Mummy & Daddy balloon. But, there isn't enough space, so he lets some air out of himself. It's still a bit of a squeeze so he lets some air out of daddy balloon. Still not happy, he lets some air out of his mummy. Ahhhhh, perfect, he drops into a long and peaceful sleep. In the morning he wakes to find daddy balloon looking angry. "Son, not only have you let yourself down, but you've let your mother and I down too!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Darth Vader: I know what you've got me for Christmas Luke. Luke Skywalker: How do you know Lord Vader? Darth Vader: Because I felt your presence. Bwah ha haaa. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Duck walks into a bar.... Got any bread? Barman says no.. Got any bread? No.. Got any bread? No.. Got any bread? No.. Got any bread? No, we haven't got any bread, ask me again and I’ll nail your f%&¤ing beak to the Bar, you irritating little bastard... Got any Nails? NO! Got any bread?
Two men hunting and the other having an accidental shot from the other who calls help: "I shot my pal, he´s bleeding and got it bad, not responding or anything. WHAT SHALL I DO, TELL ME!!!" The lady on the phone: "Calm down, calm down, just take it easy. Now first: make sure if he´s dead?" Silence, then sound of footsteps fading, a shot, footsteps back and: " OK, NOW WHAT?"
"Zola, Zola, give us a wave!" West Ham fans...ignored by their manager Gianfranco Zola. "Brucie, Brucie give us a wave!" Shake of the head from Steve Bruce. "Someone, someone give us a wave!" West Ham fans get desperate and half the West Stand wave back! http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/chrischarles/2010/04/i_dont_know_who_will.html
My wife's favorite ... What is green and goes slam, slam, slam, slam... A four door pickle. I have no idea what it means.
A woman, out on a neighborhood stroll, sees an old man in a rocking chair on his front porch, whistling a happy tune. "You look very content," she says. "What's your secret to long life?" "Well," he says, "I drink four cases of beer a week, smoke five packs of cigarettes a day, I only eat fried foods and rarely get more than three hours of sleep a night." "Wow, that's amazing," she exclaims. "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."
There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. How lame is that? Give me the prize, or I will post another 100 similar.
We all seem to have our own brand of lameness when it comes to jokes. Keep up the good work!! PS I don't get the four door pickle thing either. Must be a septic thing.
Rudi looks out the window of his Moscow apartment and says to his wife "Honey ! It's going to rain." The wife disagrees, on account of the bright sun and no clouds. Nevertheless, it starts to pour in a few minutes. The baffled wife askes Rudi how he knew. Comes the reply, "Rudolf, the Red knows rain, dear !
Two Hammer supporters were in two boats heading towards a job of painting a fence. One boat was carrying claret paint and the other boat was carrying blue paint. Sadly, they crashed into each other. Apparently the two of them were were marooned.
i thought it was a penis thing? anyway, what do you call the cross between an elephant and a rhino? eliphino. </rim shot>
Sorry, but I think that this is a goodun. It's about women of a certain age. A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked ”Is my time up?” · God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to Live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had Someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital, but as she was crossing the road on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? ” Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?" God replied: "I didn't bloodywell recognize you, did I?." Well, I liked it.