My U12 Daughter says she loves soccer. She plays for a big club on one of the top teams in her age group. She is very talented and is a good athlete. She always works hard at practice. She often asks me to take her out to the soccer fields to shoot and pratice different skills. I don't initiate this extra work, she does. She likes to wear her Club gear to school and talks about soccer with anyone who will listen. Games are a different story. Sometimes she plays hard. Sometimes she doesn't. She has a bad habbit of just standing and watching other players play. If she has the ball, she does great. She will not always go fight for a ball. Honestly sometimes she just looks lazy out there. She is good enough that her coaches don't say much to her, at least as far as I can tell. I talk to her about it quite a bit. She says she knows she doesn't always give 100 %. I really don't care if she plays well or poorly, as long as she tries. It drives me crazy that she doesn't always try. Has anybody else dealt with this kind of stuff. I have been talking to her about it for a while now, and it doesn't seem to change anything. We always tell her that she doesn't have to play soccer and can quit at anytime. She always says she loves soccer. I am so confused.
I think you're mostly describing a function of age. She's young enough to where she will still just show up not "into it" for some reason. And she's young enough to where she hasn't yet learned the importance of mentally preparing for games, nor has she learned good techniques for doing so. Don't sweat it, and don't get on her about it. My son did the same thing--A LOT--and it used to drive me nuts. It was always one step forward, two steps back with him; it seemed like everytime his coach was starting to warm up to him, he'd show up to a game or a tournament and sleepwalk through the entire thing. It's frustrating as hell, but I'm guessing it will pass. EDIT: The fact that she works hard in practice and that she initiates her own extra practice tells me two things: she really does love soccer; and she may just be a "comfort zone" player who needs a little more maturity and age so that she'll learn how to feel confident in strange situations. Be patient with her.
I can tell you from coaching this age group, that this is normal. As long as she's going 100% at practice, then that's more than most others. She'll either improve, maybe get benched and either get mad and hate soccer or get mad and improve, or lose interest. I've witnessed all the above. Just go along with it. Enjoy the times that she wants to practice with you, it doesn't last long enough.
Eventually, yes. It took him awhile to make the connction between his mental preparation and his performance. Particularly at tournaments. I understand your frustration--been there myself. Eventually, she'll get tired of sitting on the bench or not getting the touches or having the impact she wants to have--whatever. And she'll gain a little insight and perspective as she gets older. It will come. If she was slacking off at practice, or not showing any interest in the sport unless she's actually at practice or a game, it would be different--I really do think it's just a matter of opening up and being comfortable playing without fear or self-consciousness against other teams, with people watching. Dealing with that pressure is a completely seperate skill from playing soccer. Give her time to develop it. Make sure she's having fun, don't make an issue of her performances after games. Talk about soccer when you're out at the field with her taking shots, not after matches. It'll come.
Check out "Catch Them Being Good" by Tony DiCicco and Dr. Colleen Hacker. It has coaching information, but the reason I suggest it is that it also addresses sports psychology specifically for coaching girls. [ame="http://www.amazon.com/Catch-Them-Being-Good-Successfully/dp/0670031224"]Amazon.com: Catch Them Being Good: Everything You Need to Know to Successfully Coach Girls (9780670031221): Tony DiCicco, Colleen Hacker, Charles Salzberg: Books[/ame]
I'm dealing with the same exact thing, although in my daughter's case it seems to be more of a fundamental personality trait and not a phase. She is very much a "comfort zone" player as described above, but she's like that in every part of her life. Phenomenal practice player, but in games it's hit or miss. She's also very small for her age, so the pyschology of going out against "monsters" every week tends to get to her. So I'm dealing with a couple different things that may or may not resolve themselves. It's definitely a struggle and the best advice I can give is try to take the emotion out of it on your end. She'll either come out of it, or she won't. It's often said that women don't want people to solve their problems for them, only to "be there" for them. I didn't check your personal info so I'm not sure if you are the dad like I am, but it's hard for me not to want to constantly talk to her about it. I think she just needs to find her level on her own. Girls are certainly "women in training" as we all come to discover! Her 7yo sister is ahead of her skill-wise (at the same age) and she's much more internally driven to compete, succeed, etc...I'm hoping her sister's attitude pushes her because I think my influence (and probably my effort/involvement) will lessen over time. Hope this helps.
de kromme, I am a long time lurker on Big Soccer and have always enjoyed your posts. My daughter is also very small, so that is interesting. She has always been the smallest player on the field so you would think that she would be used to it. And she does play hard sometimes. She has good games and bad games. Good halves and bad halves. I really have to fight the urge not to talk to her about effort after every game. I also have to talk her mom off of the ledge after games sometimes. She is a perfectionist and is always ready to let her kids know when they are screwing up. I am going to have her read these reponses. Maybe she will calm down as I am trying to do. In my case my U12 is the younger of my soccer playing daughters. She is much more talented and athletic than our High School age daughter. The older daughter always puts out Maximum effort in games and makes the most of what she has. She is pretty good and its always fun to watch her play, but the U12 has the potential to be so much better. That adds to the frustration when she doesn't try hard.
Thanks OnT! One other thing that occurred to me is that because soccer in the US is still so geared to the "athlete" and not the "player", kids who are "players" (skilled, not big, more "cerebral", some combo of the above) do find it hard to "find" themselves in the sport on a consistent basis (sorry for all the quote marks!) If you and I dropped our two U12s in a girls club in Europe (which I'm actually trying to plan for next summer) or Japan, I think their effort would suddenly (miraculously?) improve, if only because they'd be surrounded by so many more players like themselves. I think this self-consciousness sometimes comes across as a lack of effort. In reality, it probably does manifest as less-than-desired effort, but the reason may be something more along the lines of what I just mentioned. Best of luck, and let's hang in there for our girls! PM me if you want to see a couple clips of my dd.
I was going to post this same thought but you beat me to it. Most youth games have no rhythm, flow or pattern. Does the goalie kick the ball as far as possible every time, does the defense kick it away or out whenever under pressure, does her team forgo possession and play directly towards the other goal as fast as possible? Is the "best" player on the team a larger and/or more aggressive player that runs all over the field winning and losing 50/50 balls while everyone else tries to figure out what to do? If the answer to any of these questions is yes I'd worry less about my kid and more about the team they are on. Kids that watch soccer and model their games on what they see out of places like Spain are going to be frustrated and appear to be disinterested or lost in the typical US youth game. A good player needs other good players that want to play skillful soccer, not just win a game.
Oldntired...I could have written your post. My daughter is U-13 and my husband and I go absolutely nuts during many of her games. The most infuriating thing is when other parents come up and tell us that "they wish their kid worked as hard as ours" or " your kid always gives their all on the field". We sit there and wonder if we are delusional and she IS giving 100% but our expectations are too high. Then again, we realize that every parent watches their own kid, so you notice everything good or bad. Others just notice your kid when they are touching the ball, so they miss the lack of effort off the ball. I wish I had advice but the only thing I can tell you is...You're not alone!
I feel your pain. Give my daughter the ball and she looks very good. If she doesn't have the ball she may just stand and watch. Everyone is recommending not talking to her about it, especially after games. But don't be surprised if you hear about a dad in KC whose head exploded during a soccer game.
I don't see any reason to be upset. You are apparently equating energy expended with correct play. 1. There is nothing inherently wrong with watching or with standing. On average field players will spend half the time in matches standing or walking. The more advanced the player, the less wasted running. 2. You are assuming that she is not following her coaches instructions. 3. What she does during practices and on her own time is more important to development at her age then what she does during matches. What you should look at is: Is she having fun and are her skills improving? If you want to learn about motivating players, the book I recommended is very good.
I see what you are saying RCA. My head exploding comment was not well thought out. Mostly I was just trying to be funny. I meant to say not talking to her about it is going to be very tough, especially when she is not working hard. I get that players do not have to run non stop all the time, but they all have responsibilities. I think work effort is so important in every aspect of life, that parents really want to see that in their kids more than anything else. Nobody wants to think their kid is lazy. I would never get mad if my kid missed a shot, or lost a ball. But if they hurt the team by not trying, that bothers me.
Tactics, using the whole field, positional awareness--these things take time. Sometimes at the youth level, the kids who are expending a lot of energy chasing every loose ball aren't paying much attention to any of that stuff. It takes a little while to learn how to read the game, figure out where to be.
This has been a wonderful thread to read. I, like the rest of you, watch my u13 daughter and wonder how a kid that loves the game as much as she does can just look like she is sleepwalking through some games. She is the 100% effort at practice kid, watches the pros (both MLS and European teams) as much as she can and practices alone in the yard as much as possible. The comment made earlier about playing with better players rang a bell with me. My daughter played for one of the bigger local clubs until this year. She has been a third-tier team player on a big club for the last 3 years and at try-outs this past spring we decided to change clubs when offered a first team spot at another club. Her current team isn't quite as skilled as the team we moved her from, rather bigger and more athletic. We felt she wasn't getting the chance to advance at the previous club for whatever reason and thought the change of scenery and coaching could spark her play. She has played pretty well, but not all that differently. All of the players' parents were offered a 1 on 1 meeting with the coach and we discussed my thoughts. Seems like the coach believes she is playing exactly like he thinks she should be playing and my observations are not accurate. She is a starter, plays all of the important minutes and is still having fun. I have tried to back off of my thoughts on her play but man is it hard to do!
this is a hard one for those of us who were never good players. I'm starting to come to the conclusion that my u8 son sees the game better and knows when to run better than I do. I have the same feeling as you all that I just want him to learn to word hard. But probably the better life lesson is learning to work effectively. "Never mistake activity for achievement"-John Wooden.
My U12 daughter has gone through this as well, and much of it came down to confusion over what she should be doing and playing with new teammates. Should she go for a tackle or just contain? Or provide cover for another teammate? Dribble or pass? Move up to be a passing option or hang back in case her teammate loses a 50-50 ball? It wasn't that she didn't want to put the effort in, she just couldn't decide what to do in certain situations and froze like a deer in headlights. She's been gradually figuring out what works best one play at a time and learning how to work with her teammates. One thing that is helping tremendously is talking to her rationally about specific situations in a game and why she makes some of the choices she does, rather than focusing on effort. And it turns out that she does have reasons behind what she does or doesn't do on the field, though sometimes her logic is flawed That's the time when we step in and suggest that trying a different approach might work better. As an example, at one point she was backing off of 50-50 balls all the time and just trying to contain, which gave her opponent plenty of time to find a good passing option. She looked like she was just being timid, but when I asked her about it she said she thought it was what she was supposed to do so that she didn't overcommit and let the player get past her. We talked through the situation to figure out when it would make sense to contain and when she would be better off going for the ball, and why. The next game she tried going for the ball most of the time and only tried containing when the opponent already had control of it and was facing her. That worked much better for her. She was able to win the ball a number of times and forced some bad passes that were intercepted. And yes, sometimes someone did get past her, but she had a teammate backing her up which gave her time to recover. So I guess there is no need to hold it all in until your head explodes, but just be patient and rational and don't mistake confusion for lack of desire or effort. I try to limit myself to talking about only one or two things per game, and I make sure to give her plenty of feedback on the things she did well. I think most of us tend to be too critical of our own kids because we've seen them at their best and it's hard to watch them not live up to their potential. Once I started keeping track of everything my daughter did well during each game, I realized that she was doing much better than I thought and it helped me to calm down and put things in perspective.
my U13 has also done this. makes us nuts too. she went to a U11 tryout with a new team/club. when they scrimmaged, she was standing outside the cluster calling for the ball. after the tryout i asked her why she didn't jump in and fight for the ball? her answer was " i was playing my position. isn't that what i am supposed to do? not jump in? use my space?" nuff said. so the kid standing on the outside just might be doing what they were taught to do. it's the 4 players that are fighting each other for the ball that might need reschooling.
Exactly. Coaches teach pressure-cover-balance. The first defender's role is pressure, the second defender's role is cover. Everyone else is balance. More than likely four players are trying to win the ball because their well-meaning parents already "reschooled" their child based on what those parents think are the best defensive tactics.
Lets not get to caught up in "hustle" running around like chicken with their head cut off does not make a good player. If your daughter is as you say a soccer nut and watches higher level soccer she may have realized that pacing yourself and making the runs at the right times and showing for a pass is what makes a better player. 100 mph head down is not good soccer.
I could have written this myself. We have been telling our daughter to run for over a year. We thought she was going to get cut from her U11 club, so we crossed town to try out for a bigger better club hoping she would be find a place - any place and they put her on their Premiere team. Our daughter pulled out all the stops at the tryout and once she made the team she stopped running again. We were angry, shocked, embarrassed and never stopped telling her to run. Long story short this season she went from the starting lineup to 7 minutes of courtesy time at the end of easy games. My husband finally called the coach and asked for the truth. He told us what we knew - she's an amazing talent but uncoachable. We sat her down and told her the coaches didn't want her on the team and guess what? She started to run last week. She even commented that her legs were sore from the increased activity. We have asked her what the bleep she's been thinking and she wont really say. She will run like the wind for her fitness coach. She is lightning fast, but so secure in her athleticism, she does not find the need to show it. I'm still scratching my head. The season is about over, but she still has the spring season to get back in favor and maybe get back on the starting lineup. But yeah, I don't get it in the least. Lesser athletes get out there and give it their all. Our daughter? Too cool for school. Still shaking our heads, but hopeful.
I find this funny, uncoachable at 10 or 11 years old? sounds to me like the coach had just turned his back on her and couldn't be bothered to find out WHY she had shut down or how to get her back. any riding discipline can have its own "mental blocks". riders can be their own worst enemy and can completely block their own progress. it is up to the instructor to find our how to get around that mental block and get the best from that rider. it is a psychologial puzzle. some instructors are better at it than others. having titles and trophies don't mean anything. i see many parallels in team sports. being a coach is not just about teaching the players the game and developing their skills. a great coach knows how to balance the personalities as well. what motivates each player. yelling might work for one player while another completely shuts down. a great coach says " how do i get the best from this player who i know is capable of more than i am getting". DarkBlonde, guess that this team has no issues at tryouts? plenty of new talent shows up and your daughter would just be on the cut list at the next tryout?