I get that. But I stand by my statement that if I said something as innocuous as "When I mispronounce your name" during check-in, 99% of the folks will find it funny. But one time, someone is going to get bent out of shape. So do I change the way I use humor, heck, the way I officiate, because someone might get offended? See, you got bent out of shape for my one sentence. Maybe I shouldn't post anymore?
Are you trying to be obtuse? If you understood my post, you also understood why, as a response to my response it undercut what I was trying to help youngref understand. And I think you understand that there is a vast difference between a line about pronouncing names and jokes about boys hugging boys.
I agree with the points socal is making here. These are fraught times, and it's kinda hard to be too careful.
Even with coaches I know very well, I take pains to keep my humor unambiguous and rare when I'm in uniform. At board meetings it's a different story
I just recently came to the realization that I've reached that age where some of the stuff you've said all your life just needs to be edited occasionally. Case in point, as long as I can remember the right expression for quittin' time, supper time, headed on home is "smellin' the barn." Anybody here not know that expression? Two or three times lately I've found myself getting "Um, excuse me?" looks when I've said it, and had to explain it, and I've decided just not to say it anymore. Other examples are legion. Where did I see an extended discussion recently of whether the expression "call a spade a spade" is racist or not? Was it here? I've always believed it was not and that it referred, in both its origin and its modern usage, to using the right term for something, as in don't call something a shovel when it's not (as in the further derivative expression "call a spade a f...ing shovel"). But I did a little digging (so to speak), and it turns out I was generally pretty much wrong about that one. Anyway, be careful out there.
Two reasons to avoid it: 1) The possibility of someone misconstruing it as homophobic, even that isn't your intent. "Hugging later, playing now" or similar would avoid that, but... 2) Maybe the parents laughed, but what did you really gain from it? Could mocking players to make yourself seem funny hurt your ability to have them in your pocket later? Remember that the parents can't make your game go better (once you learn to block them out, anyway); players and coaches can. Just stuff to think about!
I don't think you were wrong: https://www.npr.org/sections/codeswitch/2013/09/19/224183763/is-it-racist-to-call-a-spade-a-spade https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Call_a_spade_a_spade (I had to look it up as I'd never considered it was anything other than a shovel . . . ) But it does highlight how something that should be innocuous can nonetheless create impressions that are misleading--and to which other's react or over react. Here's an example from politics: https://www.nytimes.com/1999/01/30/opinion/in-a-word.html
The mere suggestion that what I said could be misinterpreted as “homophobic” is just silly. If people really are that sensitive and infer that I am saying inappropriate things, then that is their problem and not mine. It’s a shame that people overthink simple statements and twist them into insults.
It can very easily be your problem. Most likely, the parents and teams don't know you, your sense of humor or your background. All they know about you is what they see and hear from you before, during and after the match. Saying things like this that can easily be interpreted as indicating you have a bias against someone is setting yourself up for future controversy. If you need to have a "line" to say, you should come up with something else.
“Easily be interpreted as indicating I have a bias”??? While I may not agree with you guys, I will definitely think of some new things to say in the future just so that I don’t have to deal with false accusations raised against me.
Let's add some facts that could readily happen: The player doing the holding is, in fact, gay and in the closet. How is he (or she) going to hear what you're saying? And when people are laughing about it? I'm just saying you have to be very careful with humor, and even more careful about humor at a player's expense--especially with youth player. It's not about you being ___-ist, its about being the neutral arbiter who needs to be above it all. (And that is more important when you are young--fair or not, those with a head of grey hair can get away with more in some places, and I think this is one of them.) As I've said before (perhaps pompously), I'm not a great fan of this whole thread. As referees, we serve the game. We don't ref to show how clever we are. And clever comments can come back to bite us. YMMV.
@YoungRef87 if I may... What you say comes from your heart, and nobody is questioning that. Interpretation of what you say comes from others' hearts, and there is nothing any of us can do about people who misconstrue our meaning. People react to their interpretations, not what was in your heart. If something you meant in jest, or innocently, or both gets cross-wired into something somebody mistakes for "bad words," then you have the fallout of their interpretations to deal with, even if what you meant was 180 degrees apart from what they heard/thought. I am a joker IRL but IMHO the likelihood of a mis-connect when I am reffing makes me very very cautious about anything in the way of a double entendre, or potential double entendre, or could-be potential double entendre. I don't not kid, but I keep it pretty literal and G-rated. I hope that's useful. Don't feel we're after you---we're with you. PR
So no joking, be robotic, straight-forward as we officiate this GAME? No thanks. I am going to try to keep the GAME fun...for everyone. I'm out of this thread.
Maybe I'm having trouble being clear today. I'm certainly not saying never joke. I'm saying we have to be careful about joking, and have to be especially careful if players can be perceived as being the butt of a joke or if it delves into sensitive areas where we can be readily misconstrued. As the saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. All that said, I am certainly not questioning your motives or intent whatsoever. Indeed, I agree wholeheartedly with you that we should be having fun as we do it, and that when others can tell we are having fun it is more fun for the players/parent, too.
Maybe this example might help. I'm doing a 4v4 tourney yesterday, last game, U16 boys, intra-squad game, consolation for 3rd place but neither team seemed to care who won. The guys are having fun... pushups for a nutmeg, pushups for kicking the bar over the goal and into the bushes, and just being boys playing a chill game. Attacker receives a long ball just outside the corner of the goal and tries to one-time it. Misses the goal. Hit teammates start giving advice. "Don't be afraid to take a touch," and then "nah, the defender would been able to block." Thinking it was a friendly game, for the first time ever I offered my suggestion, "but if he takes a touch back to his left, the defender will overcommit and he'll have a free shot." One player was like, "woah, the ref's right" but another was somewhere between joking and serious saying, "did the ref just try to help the other team?" My point is, no matter how well you think you are reading the game, you're better off not saying certain things. It doesn't mean don't bring a personality. It doesn't mean don't have fun. I got some laughs when I suggested they do pushups in an exponential way (1 the first time, 2 the second, 4 the third, etc) and that helped earn me some goodwill early on, but we're better safe than sorry. And I was reminded of that yesterday.
I'm reminded of the last time I used the word "boys" in a HS game, just a few years ago. "Easy boys ..." African player: "You calling me boy?" "Uh, no, see, the thing is ..." No more.
I once had to hold up a corner when two players were pushing each other a bit too much before the ball was in play. I approached and asked them "Are you two dating?" It worked perfectly, they separated and didn't touch each other for the rest of the game. I frankly got very lucky. I told my assignor about the game later and he advised me not to use that line again - and he's right. Don't drop out of the thread guys. One of the best aspects of this board is getting alternative lines to use that are less likely to cause you problems. I use humor frequently - at check in I always tell youth players to say their number when I mispronounce their names - I think that one is perfectly safe, it's self depricating. When I get to check in very young girls teams (9-10) I tell them to remove their wedding rings. That kind of backfired on me once when a young lady put her hands on her hips and glared at me saying very loudly "WE ARE NOT MARRIED!" and I got a few disconcerting looks from the parents. I would still use it anyway given the chance (it's been a few years now since I had a game at that age level).
The back and forth is instructive. Personally I'm philosophically with the "if you are too sensitive to my jokes that's YOUR problem" side, but practically I understand that in today's world the pendulum has swung far to the other side so I think rather than tilting at windmills and inadvertently creating problems for yourself on the field it's best to listen to the advice here and limit the joking to "safe" comments. The comments must be perceived as neutral - perception becomes reality.