The Problem Child

My major PC got her act together after I went over things with her parents. It was like a switch had been flipped. She went from picking daisies to one of the best players in one week. She still gets a bit off when her mom brings her but when dad is there she's an angel. Just something to consider even though I'm sure that's high on most people's list.

 

I have a girl that is an amazing athlete (gu9) for her age. She is big and fast and wants the ball. Her dad was a decent basketball player (6'10". Was close to being on a few nba teams).
Her touch has improved all season long and I consider her a "soccer player" now, whereas she was just "athletic" when the season started.
Problem is that she is hyper competitive and kind of a bully on the team.
She takes losing incredibly hard. We took 2nd place in a tournament 2 weeks ago. We lost the championship game 1-0 in extra time. She threw her medal down in anger.
On 1 hand, I love her competitiveness. On the other, I'm worried for her sanity. A lot of it comes from her dad pushing her so hard.
Any advice? Any books I can suggest the dad take a look at?

 

You are in a tough predicament, there is no easy way to tell a dad to back off. I don't say it as a coach I say it as a dad. My son is also very competitive, he is 6 and when his team is loosing he cries and seems to try even harder, if they're winning he's the happiest kid on the field. I try not to talk to him during the game and I thought I was okay. One day my wife ran into the coach at the supermarket and he told her that my son is a better player when I'm not there, and that he puts too much pressure on himself when I'm there. I don't think the coach should have said it to my wife, he should have told me. The way I see it he may not be 100% right, but there could be some truth to it, so I decided to not talk at all during the game and only give a thumbs up no matter what, so far it's a bit better he still cries at times but he is controlling him self more and enjoying the game more. We sometimes affect our kids even with just a look, and it's though to realize it and even tougher to change it, but it's a must for our kids sanity. Maybe you could engage in conversation with the dad and kind of steer him towards the subject, once he opens the door you let him know that she's a very good player, but you noticed she isn't coping well when the team looses. Learning to loose is part of sports, sometimes we underestimate it's importance.

 

1. Emphasize fun and how they play as important and the result as unimportant. What you do has great influence. After a match, do you congratulate them on winning or on playing well? The parents will follow your example as well. From children to professionals, Tony DiCicco's coaching philosophy is "Play hard, play fair, play to win, have fun." Teach them to love playing and the result doesn't determine their enjoyment.
2. Under "General Coaching" there are 3 books specifically addressing parenting. The coaching skills books are useful to parents too.
http://www.usyouthsoccer.org/coaches/Recommended_Reading/

 

Would you have a conversation with the father directly? Or you would just hope that the father follows your example after a loss, and recommend he reads these books?
I just wonder how you would approach a conversation with the father, if at all.

 

Every coach at every level has to establish their credibility up front. I only coached U10 and U12 girls and had very little interaction with parents. One meeting prior to the first practice to go over my goals, expectations and qualifications (and organize the logistics). Nothing more was needed because I actually played the sport and was drafted by the league every time because none of the other parents wanted to commit the time.

My suggestion would be to make contact with the father in a non-threatening manner, such as send an email with a link directed to all parents and generally recommend that, if interested, there are books available written specifically for parents of young athletes. I would make it flattering, but honest--explain that before the teen age years, parents and siblings are far more influential than a coach on their child's athletic development.

The parents will follow your example at the field. What the books help with is their behavior in the car and at home.

 

That's one reason why I'm not coaching my son after this spring. Not because I'm disproportionately hard on him, but because I see how he acts and reacts around other academy coaches that aren't "Dad." It's just a different dynamic that the other kids don't have to deal with and it's not fair to him. I'm glad I have enough perspective to step away for him to reach his potential.

I'm reading this book and I recommend it for coaches and parents:

http://changingthegameproject.com/

 

Thanks for the link.

 

Thanks for the insight. any ideas about how we can help our kids keep on having fun on the field are welcome. I did read an article about how it's best not to speak about the game ( after a bad game) in the car on the way home.

 

Great link! Thanks.

 

Since everything a coach does and doesn't do influences the players and "having fun" should be every youth coaches' top priority, the scope of the question is really "how to coach youth." The topic involves coaching methods, communications theory and sports pyschology. The question deserves a long, detailed answer. The short answer is to use positive reinforcement exclusively, encourage, don't push, praise effort not result, and allow the players the freedom to play and make mistakes.

The usual adult approach to ensure successful performance is wrong for a youth coach. That typical approach is to control the process and eliminate mistakes and risks. Also known as quality assurance. Great strategy for running a business or managing a professional team, but wrong for coaching youth sports.

This topic deserves a separate thread. I will see what I can put together over the weekend.

 

http://www.footy4kids.co.uk/adhdplayers.htm#

was just thinking about this today

the reason I became a coach in the first place was to make sure my kids weren't getting benched and ignored unnecessarily and actually got to play, so I cut out the middle man (yes, this did happen in ulittle soccer and football)

as their coach, I learned that they had more trouble staying focused on the game than other kids. although it was fun for them, they can only play for so long at one time. They over-react to things (words, fouls, hurts)

lately, my 9 year old was diagnosed with adhd. as his teachers kept having issues with him not finishing class time work quickly. the doctor recommended meds, but I won't go deep into his current therapy as it takes away from the point. Also, after reading and studying it a bit, I discovered that my 8 year old has many symptoms of adhd as well. Since his teacher is happy with his progress, he hasn't been prescribed anything, but he totally fits the bill.

The main difference between them and other kids, They have fun while playing soccer, but they can't just play and play and play like some kids. they have to take lots of breaks, as the game can not hold their attention for long. example. my 9 year old played futsal the other night. he took 3 extra water breaks during scrimmage, the other kids took one scheduled break. he was still having fun, but obviously couldn't just keep focusing to the extent the other kids did for long. the scrimmage lasted 25-30 minutes. the first half was dedicated to skills and charachter building. when he did play, he hyper-focused. you could tell on his face he was mentally very involved in the game. he just couldn't consistently stay in the game.

 

my younger son, after taking a season off last spring decides to play again this fall. I let my older son go get coached by one of the volunteer coaches (a college age guy who has played for select teams most of his life) and focused on my younger son's team. (variable 1.) Just giving him time to grow mentally seems to have done the trick (variable 2.), he's having fun this season and he's one of the better players on the team. He's even telling me that he wants to play basketball over the winter. I sure as heck ain't coaching that, but I'll help/assist if needed. some issues I guess they do outgrow, it helps that this division is 2nd/3rd grade and he's one of 2 3rd graders, historically he's been one of the younger players on his teams (variable 3.)

I don't know if it's variable 1, 2, or 3 or a combination. but regardless, he's doing much better.

 

I've gotta say that is the hardest part of coaching. Sometimes there is an emotional maturity that a child must make before they can 'improve.' I can ball drill them and make them good with the ball, they can be big and/or fast. That is what the parents see in their child. Emotional maturity, which has an effect on playing even basic tactics, they won't see that.

 

Oh man, good timing for this to be brought up again.
I have a Gu9 team. I guess it's a "select" team and we are mid-level competitive. (We have tryouts, but its not super hardcore, we don't cut kids once they are on the team).
I want to name our team "Ritalin"
We have 4 really good players. They want to improve and always try really hard.
I have 4 players where I am not sure how they are able to walk and breathe at the same time.
J - Sweet kid. Plays great in games. But in practice she has no idea what is going on around her.
S - Good skill. Strong. But her parents are complete nut-cases. She only listens to them. I think she may be on "the spectrum." Doesn't really relate well to the rest of the team. And we have done quite a bit of social stuff to get everyone to be good friends.
C - J's best friend. Always smiling, but doesn't pay attention at all. A goal keeper punt hit her in the back of the head in a game last week as she was turned the other way and jogging towards mid field.
R - Poor kid. She has pretty good skill and is pretty creative. But she is very, very slow. (All of the above are fast and good athletes). Her dad is always on her. The parents told my wife that they fight to the point of possible separation when they talk about how she plays. Dad rides her like crazy. Mom says "she's only 8. Leave her alone." Dad thinks we won't be asking her back next year. I tell him it's our job over the next 12 weeks to help her improve.

 

Let the dad know that the selection for next year's players won't occur until next Spring/Summer and she'll get her fair shake in the process, but that you do know you won't be asking him back next year unless he turns it around real quick...

 

Lately I have been doing some thinking about "attention," hyperactivity, and how classroom expectations and techniques have changed since I was in grade school. First I want to say that I don't have any direct experience with attention disorders or hyperactivity.

I did have one disgusting experience with school teachers and officials intentionally misdiagnosing one of my children for the purpose of improving metrics for teacher performance. It was clear to me from the manner in which the school proceeded that they had perfected their routine through many repetitions. Perhaps this one incident has prejudiced my opinions, but there were several other experiences which troubled me as much.

I start with these 4 facts.

1. A national survey (in 2011 I think it was) concluded that 9% of the teen population were being treated with drugs for unspecified mental illnesses, although it was apparent that the vast majority were being treated for ADD, ADHD, or hyperactivity.

2. The standard treatment for these mental illnesses is to prescribe stimulants, i.e., amphetamines.

3. There are different types of focus, but I expect "deep" focus is what most of us think of as "focus." The typical "normal" adult's limit on deep focus is 15 minutes.

4. By far the most used drug in the US is a stimulant--caffeine. It is widely used by adults to promote "focus" on a routine basis.

I want to be clear up front. These problems are real disabilities, but I disagree that they should be classified as mental illnesses. If you haven't realized yet, medical practice in the US is shaped by the drug companies to maximize profits. (Treating attention problems in kids with caffeine, never will happen.) I also expect that the real incidence of these illnesses is probably less than 1%, and that, due to the current educational culture and to the treatment being prescription stimulants, the "mental illnesses" are hugely over-diagnosed. I have met thousands and thousands of people of all ages, and of all these I have only seen 1 hyperactive child. If you have ever seen a hyperactive child displaying symptoms, you would not need a definition to understand what you are seeing. It is not volitional behavior; it is not antisocial behavior; it is not acting out or other disruptive behavior problems. It is a child unable to be at rest.

The classroom models have changed over the years. Today's educators expect children to maintain deep focus, or at least approximate deep focus, for 50 minutes at a time. That is ridiculous. I was a "top" student K through 12, but would have never have survived in today's classroom, because I was bored senseless by the material in most classes, even during the first two years of college. While the material was inferior, the teachers in the 50's and 60's were generally outstanding. Dealing with my children's teachers outside of New York state, was an extreme disappointment.

Now to soccer. We should not be following the classroom model in either matches or how we train. I trust that is obvious. A soccer match is not like the classroom. Players are multi-tasking, and require situational awareness most of the time. Deep focus is relatively brief and switches target. For instance we want players to deep focus on the ball at the moment of striking, but we don't want players to deep focus on the ball while dribbling. Restarts are times of deep focus, but they don't last long. For my U-Little teams I encouraged rapid restarts instead of using set plays. Finally during exercise body chemistry is different than in a classroom. Exercise makes people feel good and feel happy. Exercise is scientifically accepted as acting as both a stimulant and an antidepressant. I believe controlling the work/rest ratio is a key factor during training.

Do you see where I am headed? Except in cases of severe disabilities, attention deficit or hyperactive conditions are not going to be a hindrance playing soccer. In training a coach could certainly demand longer periods of deep focus, but it serves absolutely no purpose. The best practices, designed to keep unchallenged kids engaged and happy, will also accommodate most attention deficit or hyperactive conditions. We need to promote a love for playing sports and develop the player's ability to multitask and maintain situational awareness. There is no need for deep focus for periods that would challenge normal adult attention spans.

 

Boy's in general have more focus problems than girls the same age, based on my experience with under littles(5-10 years of age)

 

While this is often true I have discovered( having a seven year old girl diagnosed) that girls also present but do so differently most of the time and some believe almost as often. They are more likely to be "daydreamers" rather than that off the wall kid. It is the same problem however. Often times we think this is normal for girls, for them to be quiet and withdrawn and "checked out" a lot. It is not. These are symptoms of attention deficit disorders. Not all ADD is the hyperactivity type.

 

Females generally mature faster than boys. The difference in rate on average is about 1 year at age 12 with females reaching full maturity at about 23 and males at about age 26. The majority of kids will be within 2 years of norm for their gender, but some kids can be up to 4 years later maturing.

The biggest difference I saw between genders in U-Littles was in social development. The U10 girls were far ahead of the boys. They had no problem grasping and performing an 11-a-side high pressure zone defense. This affects how they interact tactically as well as having relatively sophisticated "people" skills. For a male single parent of a daughter, it was yet another in a long sequence of scary realizations.

 

With my older son, I think his largest hindrance r/t inattentive type adhd is emotional immaturity and impulsiveness. when he gets mad, he gets really really mad. The thing about being one of the better players on a rec team, is... it's still a rec team, they aren't going to pass the ball around like an elite or well trained team, he was screaming at his players to pass the ball, and when he was open. I mean literally tantrum style screaming. at the end of the game he literally began crying because he was so frustrated with his teammates. earlier in the game he was (over)reacting to some fouls and calls by the referee. Every little thing was a distraction. when he was able to focus on soccer, he was fine, rather good actually, but it was very easy for him to get off track with the details of the environment. this was after 5mg of ritalin, so it obviously didn't help. at the beginning of the game he looked like he was overly calm, which is when the med probably peaked in his bloodstream, everything after that was kind of downhill. We're just going to give him the time released focalin this Saturday like he does on school days. I really don't care how many goals he scores or plays he makes as long as he is just able to be a kid and have fun.

 

I found your post very very interesting.

Here is my history I am an old man. I probably have what your son has. No one knew about this back then. I was a little more then a problem kid.

After running away from home and living on the street by being a thief. I found soccer it was good for me I learned to always think a head from it. I think your som might find a game that is good for him. Give him time it might not be soccer.

My youngest son now 35 has it as well, but it was never diagnosed when he was a kid. School did not interest him soccer did not interest him he was a keeper.

He hung out with some very bad people who he thought was his friends. He was a friend of John Gotti Jr.

Later he found Brazilian jujitsu he is a fanatic concerning it. His bad temper disappeared. Became a black belt under Renzo Gracie. Taught in his school in NYC, then for Shalin Robiero and now for Marcelo Garcia made a career out of it. Married a doctor she was one of his students.