The Games That Make You Want to Quit

After a particularly difficult Fri nite match where all heck broke loose I had my usual volunteer U-10 Sat morning rec match. When the match ended a shy little girl came up a handed me a bouquet of dandelion blossoms with a "thank you Mr. Referee". Made my day year!

Ps...don't let the bastards get to you!

 

My state SDI in one of his training videos makes a point that we do have the option to stop the game and tell the coaches (or AD) that the match will not continue until the spectator sideline (or stands) is empty. He calls it the "nuclear option". I'm not suggesting that it would have been appropriate in your match but it's the first thing that came to mind when I read this.

 

Only one, but for a far different reason. My then 14-year-old daughter was AR1, her first month as a referee. I was CR. At halftime, she came to me in tears. She may have missed an offside or three, but from where I was standing, they were very close.

She said the coach on her end kept saying "If you don't know offside, you might as well quit. You aren't a good referee. You might as well just leave now. This game will be better without you" and that sort of thing. I never heard any of this, but I confronted him and did my best to keep calm. Papa Bear wanted to be unleashed. He did say she apparently didn't "know anything about offsides and should learn before taking the field." This was a U10 boys rec game. He was the only coach. I suggested he keep his mouth shut or else he will be dismissed and his boys won't play any more soccer that night.

I then moved her across the field and attempted a reverse diagonal. The first time his player was offside I suggested he teach his players about offside better before taking the field the next time. He started to say something and I cut him off. "Not another word or this game is over."

That was starting my second year and never had a coach-management issue before until then. I have never handled another like that since. But a part of me wanted to terminate the game by punching him in the mouth. Sadly, that broke her. She finished the season but quit after that season.

 

Very similar experience with and for my younger daughter at about the same age. She never went back.

But she's now doing extremely well at a very prominent law school.

 

It's crazy how cruel people can be sometimes, even when they know everyone in the game is new. I seriously thought about quitting during the half time of my first center when the coach who reffed with me the game before (my first real referee assignment) yelled at me about missing offside calls. I had no ARs and of course I should be able to accurately call every offside when I still wasn't even that comfortable whistling fouls.

 

Son's first tourney CR, his 2nd year. Kid knows the Lawbook really well, he's 14 and it's a U11/u12 match between a local team (coach knows my son well) and a Polish team from Chicago.

He was going to switch AR1 CRs so he could get back into the swing of reffing (his first game back since fall), but they had to switch THAT guy to another field for a brand-spanking-new 12-year-old referee who's never played the sport (yowza).

I was 4th Official until my last match started, telling both coaches they could funnel issues through me. 5 minutes in a coach we know says
"Hey, Spencer, what's WITH that kid?"
"What kid?"
"The AR" (The rookie. Was completely out of his element and looked terrified.)
"I'll get him some help."

I got another seasoned vet to shadow him the whole match and after asking the visiting coach to chill a bit (him and his parents were already getting stupid) and I went to do my match.

My kid was a bit shellshocked afterwards, gave four YC and very nearly a 2YC/RC, but he chickened out because of the temp of the sidelines. But he had the guts to give both coaches the business.

My kiddo isn't one to quit anything, but that was it for him until I could really, REALLY talk him into going back. Got several matches assigned with him to hold his hand a bit.

That was last spring. This spring, his first CR on a big field went much the same, but he had me there as AR1 and a seasoned vet on AR2. Handful of cautions for one team who were dissent-crazy.

Coaches were pretty good, parents, not so much. He's having doubts again

 

For what it's worth... sharing happenings like that can also help those that haven't had to deal with such a headache yet to get some mental preparation for when we eventually encounter something similar. I'd also suspect you were the right one to have on that game.

My big one so far... shortly after I'd certified and only working sparingly just in Rec, my Assignor calls: "Have an inter-league U15 Rec game and I need an adult for this one."

- I had AR'd a couple of Rec U15's but knew this particular matchup was probably over my head as CR..
- She had no AR's for me
- The kicker: I was holding my Dad's hand as he passed away in the ER less than 48 hours prior (she knew this).

I turned it back at least twice... she said, "If you don't do it, they don't play." Ugh, ok, and maybe this is a reality escape I could use right now... WRONG.

Desperate, I found a 13-ish yr old doing U8/10's to AR. Turns out he didn't know left from right and had a host of other issues. Found another club coach to watch ball in/out.

The visitors evidently were half travel players that recognized I was in over my head and the home team players were all just Rec... they took great joy in capitalizing on all of it like punks... late hits after I'd turn, mouthing, claiming every ball out as theirs, dissent, tactical fouls & constant subtle jabs I didn't see/recognize, etc... and I let it all happen due to inexperience, indecision, and mentally being elsewhere... their coach was just a parent who did zero to reign them in.

I managed a grand total of one yellow card... By the end, both sets of parents were cussing (it's Rec) and I didn't address that either.

I've kept that one with me as my reminder: Whatever the challenges are in today's game it's been worse (so far), Risk calling too much instead of losing control of a manageable game by calling too little, and Don't accept a game for which I am unfit.

But I'm sure upcoming HS season with give me a new one to "keep with me"...

 

I honestly don't know why we put up with this stuff. I'm thrilled with the opportunity to now show cards to coaches. it will clearly demonstrate to everyone around that've I've made it clear it's going to stop.

Protect your young AR and CRs - go full psycho if necessary, but do NOT let them be abused by these twits.

 

I'm not big on "zero tolerance," but with youth officials, I do think it is appropriate. Quickest exit from a game is inappropriate behavior toward a youth ref. And leagues need to be strong in post-game punishment for such behavior.

And it also serves a reminder for those of us who have been around a while: We should not put up with bad behavior because we can. We should stomp it out quickly and decisively to help educate coaches and parents as to proper behavior.

 

The fastest I've moved after a game was when I saw that parents had gotten up and were walking toward a HS aged girl who was the center. Unforunently she was closer to them than me and stopped to address the parents. I got there, looked at her, and said, "Go over there." pointing at the bench area where there was tournament staff and stood in front of the parents telling them to leave and not addressing any of their comments "I'm not talking to you! I saw you raising your flag over there!"

I think the big problem now is like the Hawthorne Effect (observer effect). My experience changes the behavior of spectators/coaches/players because I manage it earlier as opposed to letting it fester for the game. I'd love to help out other refs, but just my being there is liable to change behavior without improving it when I'm not

Case in point; I gave a YC for a reckless challenge in which the defender came from behind and kicked out the legs of the opponent in a sweeping motion. It wasn't SFP, but it looked as ugly a challenge as that level of play would see so coaches and parents thought it should be. Going the other way there was a SPA foul about 7 yards from the bench of the player who had gotten whacked earlier. I give a YC for UB while the coach screams at me about the previous foul.
I walk over, stand next to the coach, and calmly explain "That was a reckless challenge, this was tactical, which is why they look so different, but the punishment is the same." He goes on about the previous tackle. "Coach I've heard you, but we are not going to continue discussing previous fouls." The game moved on, and he stopped yelling across the field

 

We are the choir here, but still, +++ on this. I’m also very clear with those youth officials on any game that I want to hear immediately about any non-positive feedback from anyone on the sideline. Anyone says anything, call me over. Coaches and players learn quickly (at least that game) when you keep stopping the game to deal with them. Some of my proudest video shows an already-warned coach berating an AR, me hearing it, walking over and sending him away.

 

On the other other hand, I once stepped in to intervene when a young woman center - maybe 13, maybe 15? - was getting accosted by a coach after a, I dunno, maybe U-10 game. She turned to me, gave me the beady eyeball, and said "I'll handle this. Thanks."

I stepped back, and she did. Hope she's still ref'ing out there somewhere.

 

I am currently going through a period of asking why I am doing this. Two things have contributed to this in the past month. I've been refereeing for 15+ years, I only do a few dozen games a year. I don't do high school due to work hours, but I've been doing U16-U23 recently, and have gotten a couple AR on an open matches. I've upgraded to 7 a few times, only to let it lapse for non-soccer reasons.
The first thing that has made me consider hanging it up was the announced(leaked) changes to the ref structure. I accept that upgrading for me is an ego thing, I'm good enough, better enough to step up. I feel that the step between grassroots and regional is much bigger than the steps from 8->7->6. So I ask myself, what am I doing this for.
The second thing happened when I was at a tournament this weekend. I took on too many games and and did not keep myself fit over the mid-western winter. I was able to see the gulf between me and other 7's and state refs that I worked with. It brought into stark relief where I stand in the pecking order, and I was humbled.

This will be a telling season. I miss reffing when I don't do it, but if I don't have something to achieve it's hard to be disciplined to do my best and improve.

 

I've used this before:

"Coach, do you mind if I criticize your players when they mess up on the field?"

"No"

"Then you will keep your mouth shut if you think a (youth) referee made an incorrect call."

 

Oh, and as to the games that make me want to quit?

The first game of any season. The rust is awful after a few months off. Mental thought is not firing fast enough, positioning is all off, etc.

 

I get the same feeling when I do HS games. I'll do some U18 "top flight" league on Saturday, and I can get out with 2 yellows. Actual cautions for tactical fouls or PI. But HS? Jesus Christ these kids keep talking trash, or just feed off the energy from and crowd and start complaining. Then you got the coach who is flying off the handle because they have no idea what they are doing nor do they understand the differences in rules between USSF and NFHS.

But yeah, after a rivalry game where the result was 7-0 and the last 10 minutes had 8 cards (for a doozy of 11 total), I drove home and asked myself if I really still wanted to do this. And I do, but damn I don't want another game like that. Not more than once a year at least.

 

I have found that crowds/coaches/players are less knowledgeable about soccer at high school games as opposed to USSF games. For example, a couple years ago, I was officiating an early season high school game. The grass was tall and the goal kick failed to make it out of the penalty area. I told the goalkeeper, "Just do it again." I heard one of the parents on the sideline say, "Why are they letting them have a do over?"

 

Last night I had a great moment. Foul occurs, advantage given, 10 seconds later ball is put of play for a throw-in. I caution the fouler for PI and signal for the team to restart with a throw-in after the sub, and this mom in the stands is screaming "You can't have a throw-in after a card. Ref, you can't do that. THAT'S NOT THE RULE! YOU'RE WRONG!"

 

I would like to have been a fly on the wall during the post-match debrief, and then attend the follow-up session a couple of days later. No, really. You all seem to have handled it alright without being too flustered.

 

I made up my mind that I liked reffing, and I wasn't going to let a jerk cause me to quit.

What made me finally quit was my broken ankle from falling in a rut in the field. Plus my knee is continuing to wear out.