Step-Parenting and Genetics

Discussion in 'Parenting & Family' started by THOMA GOL, Oct 21, 2007.

  1. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    At this stage in the game, I feel the need for family therapy before this get worse/too late for this child and home. I just don't know how the heck does one win the war againt the gene of stubborness coupled with anger and other forms of negative vibes.
     
  2. Sachin

    Sachin New Member

    Jan 14, 2000
    La Norte
    Club:
    DC United
    I take it you're the step-parent in question.
     
  3. StiltonFC

    StiltonFC He said to only look up -- Guster

    Mar 18, 2007
    SoCal
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    a combination of Zantac, Xanax, Zyrtec, zinc, and taking up the zither. But not the hammered dulcimer.

    Those hammers...;)

    Do you have the gene of stubbornness? Do have children of your own? Is the child in question male? How old?

    Family therapy is probably a good idea, especially if you can include bio-dad in the short run.
     
  4. StiltonFC

    StiltonFC He said to only look up -- Guster

    Mar 18, 2007
    SoCal
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    my guess, too.

    BTW. Who's your tailor ( love the avatar... )?
     
  5. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    The gene pool comes from his mom and bio-dad. I'm the step-parent. His anger and lack of respect comes from his thug bio-dad. Mommy gives him the stubbornness and repetitive excuses, and he's just 11. Like I told her, I'm not putting up with this especially going into the naturally rebellious teen years. He's already been to a child psych, and they prescribed meds, to my extreme displeasure. I'm looking into Family Therapy for sure because IMHO, it will help in the "future" of the home.
     
  6. StiltonFC

    StiltonFC He said to only look up -- Guster

    Mar 18, 2007
    SoCal
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    The kid has reasons to be angry. The way he handles the anger is learned.

    Depending on what meds he was prescribed, it may not be all that productive to undertake family therapy. There isn't a formula here, but mood changing drugs often reduce the motivation for behavioral change. If you feel OK, why mess it up by trying something new?
     
  7. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Very much so, I mean the child at an early age has seen walls punched into holes, his bio-dad smack around women who he's been cheating with, yelled and make excuses for not "going" places in society, mother only knowing yelling as a form of discipline, etc. etc. etc.:rolleyes:

    He's currently on Zyrtec, and despite my utter disdain to drugs it does seem to be effective in his discipline in school (and this is with some other kids messing with him). He's got As and Bs right now, which makes me proud (proud that he has his mother's intelligent genes;)).

    HOWEVER, his outbursts at me when I aim to either calm him down (on his irritibility during video game sessions) or even scold him for not being obedient (listening to his mother when she instructs him on even the smallest tasks) is something that I really do not and WILL not put up with too much longer. I have already hinted at leaving if it got really drastic, but that wasn't the right outlet to say, was it? It's so easy to say, 'oh it's just a phase, he'll grow out of it'. In this house that seems cliche. That's why I think if nothing else, therapy would be good for us, maybe just for the wife and I.
     
  8. StiltonFC

    StiltonFC He said to only look up -- Guster

    Mar 18, 2007
    SoCal
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    i don't have any idea how you approach this young fellow, and you didn't ask for advice, but here's my take.

    maybe the time to talk about the video game irritability would be when you and he go out for a burger at the local joint. not the main topic of conversation -- that might be something he enjoys, like rap music or setting the table for dinner ;) -- but something tangential, after you offer him some of your fries. does he notice that he gets upset when he plays video games? what does he think about his irritability? does he feel in control of himself? is there a way he can self-moderate, so that others around him feel more comfortable. is it that he yells, swears, throws small (large?) objects?

    this can be approached mostly from a feeling-state perspective, with lots of I-statements ( "I get a little nervous when you play video games. I can't tell whether you're going to do something kind of off-the-wall, or whether you're just sort of blowing off steam." )

    if he asks you to clarify what you mean by "off the wall", maybe you say, "Do you feel in control of yourself? I can't tell from how you're acting."

    Zyrtec is an allergy medication. What are they prescribing it for?
     
  9. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States

    Oops I meant Concerta. He's on Concerta. Occasionally I've giving I's and my's in my scolding/instructing/teaching. He (like father) has used plenty of guilt trip words like "I hate myself", "I'm so stupid". I've told him straight up how crazy he sounds talking like that and that it's not allowed in my house. Do you know how bad I've held a stiff upper lip when I've wanted to spill the beans about bio-dad ( the drug use, petty crimes, women abuse, broken promises, etc.) and how much what he's seen has influenced some of his behavior?
     
  10. 96Squig

    96Squig Member

    Feb 4, 2004
    Hanover
    Club:
    Hannover 96
    Nat'l Team:
    Netherlands
    What kind of games do you let him play? Would it maybe helping if you'd play them with him?

    That's my totally amateurish attempt to videogaming with kids that age, but that may be a part of it.
     
  11. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    He's into racing or game car related. I do need to step up (hey that is my role right, step-father?) and interact with him more. Yesterday was a very great day in that he listened to us when we told him to get his homework doen, he did it very haste, but well, and he went to bed when she told him to, no fuss or back talk.He has does days where he's a saint and other days he's a sinner, but I will always harp that we parents have to keep showing love even if it's tough. Our parenting styles somewhat differ but for the most part we see eye to eye. When I discipline him or aim to instruct him I do so, but give a reason why. If there's anything that I get out of this child, it's the hope that he doesn't end up like his bio-dad.
     
  12. StiltonFC

    StiltonFC He said to only look up -- Guster

    Mar 18, 2007
    SoCal
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    please don't take this wrong, but you aren't entitled to get anything out of a child. you are required to deposit into the child's account. that's the deal. if there are dividends, those are fringe benefits, not part of the package. i don't know whether you thought that through before you married the mother of the child. she probably didn't lay this out before hand. probably she didn't even think to do so.

    the main fringe benefit is seeing that the purpose of your life with regard to the child is being fulfilled. it was his mother's and father's lot to do that, fulfill their purpose, but something happened whereby they could not carry on together. that is totally unfair to the child, and he knows it, intuitively.

    i do get the sense that you are a decent man and what motivates you here isn't way more selfish than altruistic, but there is really only room for a little selfishness with children. i know that from personal experience. if you're selfish with kids, they will torment you for that quality because they have no reason to put up with it. don't get me wrong. i know that occasionally being selfish is unavoidable, but we do need to minimize the manifestation of that element of our personality in dealing with kids, especially step-children.
     
  13. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States

    And this is where the therapy comes in, for myself (with wife) because even before the military I was motivated to succeed, a go-getter type, always aiming to be that champion. Those that I would care too much for (the welfare of others) I would sometimes act out like a coach, aiming to assist them in their lives and to aim to improve. Maybe it's a backfire of my own learned behavior from my church, my coaches, my parents (I too had a step-father), etc. I'm finding our right now that the way I was brought up, I can't emulate that with my son now, it's just not working. That hurts because as much passion I have to do good things in life, enjoy life, and to be there for somebody, when they don't seem to appreciate or respect me, that sometimes seems like a failure.
     
  14. StiltonFC

    StiltonFC He said to only look up -- Guster

    Mar 18, 2007
    SoCal
    Club:
    Liverpool FC
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Bravo. Well put. Vulnerable. To the point.

    You do have the right to share with the boy the struggle you're in, if you can do it without blaming him for the fact that you have some frustrations. The frustrations are largely a factor of who you have become. They are not bad or wrong. They are components of your developed interaction with a world that is bunged up.

    If you have been around bigsoccer.com for a while, you may have already learned that I am pretty basic evangelical Christian. I don't know what sort of church you have grown up in, and it doesn't matter so much to me. I'm not here to debate theology with you. ( If you visit the Spirituality forum, maybe :) )

    But what I am certain of is that spiritual growth is a big part of being a parent. I think you're on the right track if what you've said is an integral part of who you are.

    Keep on truckin', mate.
     
  15. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Part of my "therapy" is getting back into the church. Born and raised, as you may know the verse, it applies to me in that 'train up a child in the way of the Lord and when he grows old, he will not depart from it'. So even though I've not had a church home since being in the service, I still have that foundation and thoughts to always go where honestly, I will get ALL the help with any problems, you know?
     
  16. Lizzie Bee

    Lizzie Bee Member+

    Jul 27, 2004
    Utah
    Club:
    Real Salt Lake
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Best of luck to you. I have a hard enough time parenting my own kids--I can't imagine the added dynamics of step-children.

    I won't pretend to understand what you're going through, but it reminded me in some small way of the frustrations I've had as a parent. Something I'm really working on is giving my oldest son POSITIVE attention before he demands my attention by doing something bad.

    In the past, I've given him way more negative attention than positive sometimes. I'm working on shifting the balance. Do you have that same frustration--that so much time has to be spent with reprimanding, discipline, etc? Some kids are just super good at pushing buttons. :D
     
  17. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Well, I'm in the recurring stage where I back off from ANY type of reprimanding, discipline, and scolding, only when he really starts to show extreme disrespect (he knows how to push his mother's buttons). I tend to collect myself, my thoughts at this juncture. Actually even if I were to discipline him, I'd do so in a humorous type of way, but convey some sort of message or moral, BUT also giving him time to explain himself. I always encourage him to speak with me to let me know how he's feeling, why he does or says something. That can be a tough thing to bring out of him, but I figured open-ended conversation is better than the totalitarian parent.
     
  18. astabooty

    astabooty Member

    Nov 16, 2002
    China
    Club:
    FC Barcelona
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    You need to dedicate time to him and show him that you care. Get into his life, make him feel valued (he has self-esteem issues it sounds like from what you have said). When he has trust in you, respects you, feel you care about him, it will get much easier.


    edit:
    You didn't directly state it, but it sounds like his dad kind of bailed on him and he probably pushes you away subconciously out of fear that you will hurt him as well.
     
  19. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    After a "series of events" along with our first "therapy" session recently,I'm feeling more and more pushed away which has hindered that chance of trying to spend time with him. Case in point, while playing his XBOX, he showed signs of his typical irritable anger at not doing well in the game. As we have told him, when he gets to that point to waaaaaaalk awaaaaay or give it a break. So mum tells him to calm down or walk away. He gets more irritated, so I walk in and try to get his attention in a calm manner. He ignores me three times. So I put my hand on the screen, the only non-harsh way I could think of to get his attention( I could think of others, but that would be too extreme:rolleyes:). In a rage, he slams the controller as I'm trying to get him to listen to me tell him to pause the game and take a break for a bit. He turns the game off in anger, and rolls off on the floor like he's Carlos Ruiz or something. Mum comes in the room, he slams a TV tray which thus breaks a plate. Lastly comes the negative words of not wanting to live anymore, wanting to bury themselves in the room, being left alone. Words from an 11 year old. *biting my lip* At this stage of the game what can a guy do? She's knows at the point I've alluded to calling it quits. Four years in and I still have not felt acceptance? Like 12 years with the Crew without an MLS Cup trophy. You know, the only thing that keeps me having hope is the thought that one day he'll turn out to be a grown respectable adult and I could look back and say all those turbulent years weren't in vain.
     
  20. Z010 Union

    Z010 Union Moderator
    Staff Member

    Mar 28, 2002
    Club:
    Philadelphia Union
    Nat'l Team:
    United States
    Being a pre-teen in a broken home sucks. Of course his desire to go nuclear (suicide, hating everything) is a natural reaction in an uncomplicated brain. He wants his mother (and by extension, you) and his father to recognize that he is f***ing hurting. All his friends have normal families and he's thinking that YOU GUYS MESSED THAT UP.

    To top it off, now you, yes you, the new guy, wants to tell him how to behave. He's thinking in his little rebellious mind that he'd rather hang than have to listen to what you say.

    Bond through sports and don't force yourself on to him. He won't really come around until college or has kids himself, when he realizes how much of a man you were for picking up his sperm donor's duties. If you are looking for instant gratification, turn off the computer, pack, and run. Being a stepchild at 12, it took me a long time to recognize the quality of someone who would raise someone else's kid. I'm closer with him than my father now. But it's 20 years later.
     
  21. THOMA GOL

    THOMA GOL BigSoccer Supporter

    Jul 16, 1999
    Frontier
    Club:
    Columbus Crew
    Nat'l Team:
    United States

    Out of all things I would force on him, he WILL be going to more Crew games in the next few seasons!:p His first ever game this year we sat with one of the supporter groups and he was shell shocked a bit at the supporter culture, the noise. I think he'd embrace that because he can literally be his normal wired self along with us adults. But yeah looking back the man that stepped into my life (he's dad to me, not step-dad) influenced me with sports as well. From his rec league company teams, to going to see his H.S. play in football/basketball, we went to every sporting event imaginable. Although I support my son in Boy Scouts, I do wish he'd embrace sports more. It's funny, the last two days he had been talking at times with a British accent. Could Sky Sports News be the influence?:eek:
     

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