well, I was trying to be funny instead of helpful. but I think you asked an interesting question. I'd be curious what peoples answers are.
The simple act of getting or being married can put a strain on a relationship. Regardless of how long a couple has cohabitated, the "officialness(is that a word?) can make one or both somewhat nervous about their futures together. Having a child WILL put a strain on any relationship. Be it living together or married and living together. What am I getting at? Be more concerned in your strengths as a couple and what you both can do to make that bond stronger. What makes her happiest? What makes you happiest? Do not fret over the monetary advantages or social pressures of getting married. That's somewhat secondary to being a good parent.
The basic concept of being a good parent is critical. However, if making the committment to spending the rest of your life with a person who will also be the mother/father of a child who needs a mommy AND a daddy present in order to give them the best chance at a happy, well-adjusted life, is not present, then I would suggest there is not enough substance to that relationship to bring a child into the world. As a 15+ year HS and club soccer coach, and the wife of a 20+ year middle school teacher, I can tell you that the success of married couples in raising well-adjusted kids is noticeably higher than non-married. And, that spread is getting greater as time goes along. On the relationship side, the fact that there is no legal basis for property and custody in a non-married relationship can put a lot of pressure on a relationship as well. There can be a great deal of anxiety created when things begin to get tough dealing with the extra burden of raising a child, especially if one person develops some hidden concerns about the longevity of the relationship. In fact, I would argue that those concerns will put more pressure on a relationship than any concern over being married. If there is not enough commitment to make a public demonstration of it, is there truly enough commitment at all? Doesn't the child deserve to come into the best possible situation? As Matt asked, why NOT be married?
If the act of making something public and official makes one or both partners nervous about the relationship, there are other problems here, IMHO. Speaking anecdotoally and only for myself, getting married calmed me down about our relationship. We have our ups and downs like everyone, but at the end of the day, I know we've made a commitment to one another and that gets me through an awful lot.
it's interesting to say making the committment can put a strain on a relationship -- what are kids, a weekend diversion? that's a committment in capital letters (well, except in this sentence )
Congrats to you, when is the due date? It's not about advantages or disadvantages I dont think, we just dont want to. Two of our best friends, who had lived togther very happily for 6 years, got married and divorced recently within the span of about a year, and we both got the nitty gritty details the whole way through. Their relationship changed after their marriage, both of them say had they not got married they'd still probably be together, whereas now they barely talk to each other let alone see each other. Fortunately they never had kids. Obviously everyone is different and there's nothing to say that would happen with us. I guess that was just sort of a little warning flag, just something for us to say "well, we dont HAVE to get married". And the more we think about it and talk about it, beyond a few financial and legal issues there's no compelling reason for marriage for either one of us... she'll still be the mother and I the father with all the rights inherant in that whether we're married or not. It's just not that important to us. We don't feel societal presure, our friends dont care in the slightest, we're not religious, neither of us particularly cares or believes any more strongly in marriage than in single-hood. single-ness? whatever. or maybe we're just pinko pseudo hippy leftists like everyone else in Portland and this is subconsciously at least a little ******** you to the establishment that tells us we're not good people unless we're married parents. that's possible too.
True, but sometimes it takes that commitment to bring out those problems. I guess what I am saying is by marrying someone you are not guarunteeing that you'll be a good parent. But NOT marrying someone doesn't automatically mean you'll fail, either. Or that the potential to fail is any higher. Speaking from a personal point of view, I am very happy my wife and I lived together for 6 years and then got married, and then had a few years to evaluate our relationship before our daughter arrived because the strain that we went through after "making it official" coupled with the adjustment to parenthood could have ruined us as a couple. Now...however our commitment to each other and the knowledge that we will both be there for each other holds us together and makes us both stronger, but that is based on what we have worked at through the years, not that we have a piece of paper legally binding us as a couple.
Well, make sure you get your pinko selves to a lawyer and draw up a will, powers of attorney, advanced medical directives and guardianship agreements ASAP. If you aren't going to get married, you need to have all of these things in place. Do this before your girlfriend goes to the hospital for delivery.
Not yet... she was born at the very end of the season, so she has yet to make her RFK debut. I might take her in for a little while at low-key match. I suspect the first time, she will be overwhelmed with the noise. There are a lot of wives/girlfriends/mothers in La Norte, so there's a whole support crew.
I took my boy, about six months old, to a quakes game. it was the first time Chivas played there and we were in the middle of huge group of rowdy chivas fans and were sitting next to a speaker. he slept through the first half and then entertained those around him the second half. he did great. you'll be fine. DO IT!
that was one of the three due dates we got. he came on Oct. 16 much to the delight of my wife. are you gonna find out if it's a boy or a girl or be surprised.
We havent decided this...I want a girl, she wants a boy, I guess somehow we have to decide if one of us wants to be dissapointed now or later. But of course there will be no dissapontment. And I;m totally taking him/her to a Revs game as soon as its possible.
we found out too. it's just so much more practical for getting clothes, etc. we have friends where the husband found out, the wife didn't. that must have been tough, becuase she made him promise NO MATTER WHAT not to tell. then with a month left she started wanting to know and he wouldn't tell her. she had a sense of humor about it, but it was still an interesting situtation.