A little girl attends her first ever church wedding with her mother. While sitting and watching the whole process, she whispers to her mother: "Why is the bride in all white?" Her mother thinks for a while then replies, "Because white represents happiness, and this is the most happiest day of her life." The girl nods and then concentrates on the wedding again. After a while she asks, "Why is the man in black then?"
John was moderately successful in his career of choice, but as he got older, he was increasingly hampered by remarkably painful headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life began to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. The doctor said, "I have good news, and I have bad news. The good news is that I can cure your headaches. However, the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. That pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." John was of course, both shocked and depressed. He started wondering if he even had anything to live for at that point. Yet, he immediately decided that he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his headaches had vanished and his mind was finally clear. But naturally, he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he felt like an entirely different person. And so, as he walked past a men's clothing store, he thought, "I'll buy a new suit. Maybe that will cheer me up." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." John laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman. John tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As John admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" John thought for a moment and said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed John and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck." John was once again surprised. "That's exactly right. How did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman, very matter of factly. John tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As John adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" John was on a roll by this point and said, "Well, sure." The salesman eyed John's feet and said, "Let's see... nine and a half... wide." John was astonished. "That's right... How did you know?" "It's my job," said the salesman. John tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. As John walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "Well, how about some new underwear?" John hesitated for a second and said, "Um, sure!" The salesman stepped back and eyed John's waist. "Let's see..." he said, "size 36." John laughed, "No, you are wrong. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head. "No, you can't wear size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note: Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that: 1) it had never been occupied; 2) that there was plenty of heat; 3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home. However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note: Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.
Two builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit. Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant. Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker. Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here! The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder. Phil: - 'Scuse me.. no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living? Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession. Phil: - Oh! What's that then? Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home? Phil: - Er... mmm . well yeah, I do as it happens! Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it? Phil: - It's in a pond! Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then? Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden! Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house? Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself! Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children. Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis? Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week! Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often? Phil: - Me? Never. Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work! Phil: - How's that then? Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life! Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate. Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does? Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist! Eric: - What's that then? Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish? Eric: - Nope. Phil: - Well then, you're a wan.ker.
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn`t bring himself to tell his fiancee` about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I`ve got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went, and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don`t forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife`s hand on the stump. "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I`ll see what I can do!"
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend. That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda. "Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?" Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!" With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said. But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic." Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge. "Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. "Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!" So I told her to f.uck off.
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that." "It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours," the old man said. The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to behave in such a manner. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." Thank you, Father," the old man said. "That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
You have to retain the capacity to laugh at yourself. Q: How many chelsea fans does it take to change a light bulb? A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they’ve been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit. Q: What would you get if cheslea were relegated? A: 60,000 more utd fans Q: Why can’t you get a cup of tea at Stamford Bridge? A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Old Trafford. Q. What would you call a pregnant Chelsea fan? A: A dope carrier. Q. What do you call a Cheslea fan with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead chelsea fan? A: Skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What’s the difference between a Chelsea fan and a Vibrator? A: A Chelsea fan is a real dick Q: What’s is the differance between Pamela Anderson and the chelsea goal? A: Pam’s only got two tits in front of her Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Chelsea supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures. Q: How can you tell a level headed Cheslea supporter? A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth - at the same time. Q: What do you get if you cross a Chelsea fan with a pig? A: Thick bacon... Q: What is the difference between Chelsea and a cup of tea? A: The tea stays in the cup longer! Q: What do you call an Chelsea fan in a suit? A: The accused. Q: Why did God make Chelsea supporters smelly? A: So blind people could laugh at them too! Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea supporters at the bottom of a cliff? A: A good start! Q: What do you call a dead Chelsea Fan in a closet? A: Last years winner of the hide and seek contest. Q: What do you say to a Chelsea supporter with a good looking bird on his arm? A: Nice tattoo Q: What do you call an Chelsea fan that does well on an IQ test? A: A cheat.
Clan is always banning me or giving me those infractions. Still the ********er don't stop me. No, the actual reason that you ********ers keep hating on me is because of my team. I won't add anymore to that. You already know.
Yellow carded for insulting Clan and trolling. Keep your ahite up and you are looking at a Perm ban. Don't try me, it's not worth it.
Well Rick mate, as long as you don't go the whole hog and ban jheri curls - that would be a step too far
We Fly High, No Lie, You Know This, BAAAAAAAAAAALLIN!!!!!!!!!!!!! We Stay Fly, No Lie, And You Know This...TWO NILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!