I had my hearing today for temporary orders, I got joint custody with rights to alternating holidays, 360 dollars in child support, a motion for concelliation filed by my attorney. I will see my kids for the first time tomorrow. but in court, my wife still says there is not chance for reconcilliation, but the judge ordered it anyway. My house is saved from being sold. but man.. the major prize... almost seems attainable now.. I will have time to talk to my wife and beg...
With all due respect, your wife already has 2 kids, don't act like a third. State your case. Speak honesty, but don't beg.
i agree, in essence. i think this is the time to find out, where she may have no motivation to hold back, what the real issues are. she may have said this and that before, some of which may have been intended to seek resolution, some of which may have been aimed below the belt, who knows but she. but now you may discover what was wrong with how you love a wife. while i was dating my wife, i went to hear a guy talk about loving others, and he said the problem is usually three fold: we love in the way we are comfortable with. we don't seek to find out what the other person experiences as love. we love in the way that costs the least in terms of our personal sacrifice is concerned. we want to show that we care, but we don't want to give up big ticket items in our set of priorities. and finally, we love the way we were loved. if love was stingily dealt out in our childhood, we may be stingy in our adulthood. we need to view love differently from early learning patterns. needless to say, most of that hit home with me. it made me realize that i am unintentionally selfish. that isn't a big indictment to make myself feel bad. it's more of a reference point so that i can grow in my ability to respond to someone else's real needs.
One fact I forgot to mention, The judge modified the order of protection for communication to be allowed between me and my wife concerning our kids. Then I think you guy'z prayers worked. After our court hearing several hours later, my wife called me and told me she wanted to talk about the kids, and kinda brought me up to speed. Then the conversation deviated into our relationship and that lasted for 2 hours. Many things got cleared up, many things were left up in the air. But the result was positive in my opinion. She promised to call me later on at night to speak more "about the kids". Then she calls me to tell me my eldest son got bitten by my father-in-law's dog and asked me if I wanted to go see the kids and I had a right to see them in the hospital. Because of the order of protection I wasnt allowed near her and she offered to leave the room when I arrived. I told her it wasnt necessary for her to leave and I would go to the hospital immediately. As soon as I saw my kids they came running towards me and hugged me really hard. They still loved me. My wife was there, and I got on my knees and I told her im sorry, she immediately gave me a hug and held me tight. We were still in love like on our wedding day. We talked some more and since emergency hospital visits last a long time, that worked to our advantage. After my son was discharged she asked if we could go out to dinner and I replied "yes" and off we went. After those encounters I can really see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you all for your prayers. I think I am blessed with a loving wife and mother. I thank god for that.
I'm happy to hear that things are improving for you--especially being able to see your kids. That would absolutely kill me to be separated from my kids like that, knowing my spouse was withholding them from me.
My wife thought that withholding them from me was the safest for them, since I had expressed in earlier comments to my brother in laws that I wanted to leave to mexico because off all my troubles. I couldnt handle them emotionally. She was so afraid of that, she wasnt certain that I would not attend the temporary orders hearing. She told me she was happy to see me face my challenges set forth by her. That led her to open up to me. She was afraid of me abandoning my children. I still remember so fresh in my mind when I was in the hospital, I asked my son "so why are you so happy?" He responds with lighting speed: "because you are here?" I missed my kids so much..
Make sure not to drop the idea of counseling. You never went into detail about the domestic violence episode except to say you were not charged. If you don't resolve things however something similar could end up happening again or something worse, so don't take this as a "problem solved" moment, but instead as a first step which requires a lot more work. I wish you and your family the best and hope you do indeed fix things, not just on the surface.
Listen to this man. My wife and I split after four years together. I thought I wanted something else out of life and walked. I realized that the something different wasn't better and I learned that life would be much, much worse without her. After a period of counceling while being seperated, we worked a lot of things out. But nothing was permanently fixed even after that. It's taken work to maintain a healthy relationship. I'm really glad that my oldest was still really young and didn't quite understand what was happening at the time. Unfortunately your kids are older, so this will probably sit with them. But if you really love this woman, and she's willing to let you back into her life, then get some counceling. You both will need it. You're not alone when it comes to relationship problems. The stats don't lie in this regard. I'm convinced, though, that the vast majority of relationships fall apart due to selfish reasons and seldom has to do with the couple falling out of love. That's why most people carry so much baggage around with them. It took my brother five years to finally realize that his ex-wife was never coming back. He got so bad that his friends stopped hanging out with him and he couldn't hold onto a girlfriend to save his life. Once he let go, though, he found someone that's truely committed to him. I hope that you two really work this out. The last thing society needs is another broken family. Most importantly, do what Omback said and get you and your wife to counceling.
I have been to couseling on m own accord for 2 weeks now. My wife has been to her own couselor since the beggining of this ordeal. As a matter of fact, thats what lead her to leave me. Which now I am grateful for. She broke that circle of hurt. I want to continue counseling but for now we are gonna be separated counselors.
i think that's a good idea -- for now. it's pretty clear that just about everyone who has relationship problems has their own set of nasty things, things that prevent them from being who they want to be in the relationship. most of this is fear-related. men have a harder time with fear, first of all because we aren't supposed to be afraid, because it is connected with a sense of weakness, and second because we have a need to protect women, and being afraid is an obstacle. a lot of the fear stuff has more to do with not having our needs met rather than being afraid of the dark or spiders ( sorry if i touched a nerve ). anyway, work on your own stuff, clean out your emotional closet, so to speak, and then take what you've gained as tools to be a better partner back to marriage counseling. don't rush this, either. it took years to mess it up. it will take a while to patch it back together.
I'm happy for you. As Stilton said, it took years to get here and it'll take forever to get back to and STAY on the right path. Say your prayers. He's pretty good at helping people. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.
It's nearly four am over here and, as I have momentarily exchanged my 'dissertative' ramblings for some liquor, some random internet surfing and (very soon) my bed, I happened to struck upon a quote that seemed very much relevant to a thread I read earlier in the evening, i.e. this one. "To love rightly is to love what is orderly and beautiful in an educated and disciplined way." (Plato) Theory and practice are two very different things, but the former is certainly something to endeavor in this instance, IMHO. Although I wonder what Plato loved beyond books and writings because his love life was actually rather dull, or was it non-existent?...I can't remember.