I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this question. Please direct me to the correct place if it is not. My son, age 8, has been playing soccer since 3 and is very technically gifted, a good athlete (fast), and good vision (good passing). This year we moved to a club/comp soccer team because they train waaay more then any of the rec leagues. The level of soccer skill and aggressiveness is obviously much higher. While I think his skill has improved (more touches) his confidence is way down. He plays a lot more timid, hesitant, slower, and generally just kicks the ball aimlessly to get rid of it. When he played rec he was much more confident on the ball, since he was easily more skilled than most of the kids on the pitch. The end result is it looks like lack of effort. The coach pulls him and tells him needs to see more effort, as it looks like he is not trying. I talk to him about attacking the ball, dribbling more, taking on defenders, playing more aggressive, etc. I think it might just be putting more pressure on the poor kid though. He likes playing soccer, and he has friends on the team. So it's not as though he doesn't want to play anymore. I just feel his game is going in the wrong direction. I'm not sure what to do at this point. If we move back down to rec he just won't get enough soccer I'm afraid. If we stay in comp I'm worried his confidence will continue to suffer. I guess the 2 directions to go are. - ramp down - play less, play against easier competition and hope confidence comes back, at a risk of losing touches and skill - ramp up - work harder on skill to improve confidence, play more and hope confidence comes back from more touches and improved skill. At a risk of burning out, losing enjoyment in the game, etc. It's hard to know the right direction and every kid is different. I'm just looking for any advice people have in this area.
He is 8 so let him love the game first and let him play rec soccer. Some kids aren't ready for competitive soccer at that age. My oldest wasn't until she was 10. It took her a couple of years to find her competitive spirit. Warning Tangent coming. My wife and I came up with this theory that teaching soccer/sports at that age is rewiring a child's brain. As the kid grows up, he is taught to share with others and not take things from others without asking. Then we put them on a soccer field where now those rules don't apply: steal that ball from him, keep the ball away from him. Some kids get confused by that. My wife jokingly said that at that age the best soccer players are ones that you really don't want playing with your kid.
Thank you Incolnpk. I completely agree with your tangent, he is a kind, polite, empathetic kid. Unfortunately those don't translate to the soccer field very well. Let me know if others have different opinions. The issue is rec is only fall league where I live. Comp/select is spring/summer/fall. So I'm afraid his skills will fall behind only playing that much.
I've never had to raise a kid yet, but I was a timid athlete as a kid, and what turned me around and got me to playing collegiate soccer was just loving soccer. I was timid in baseball, basketball, football, and whatever else. I was a very good athlete but the fear of messing up paralyzes you. When I discovered soccer, I just fell in love with the great parts of it. I would play with no fear of messing up, because I was genuinely having a great time doing it. I would drive 2 hours twice a week to practice because just practicing was the best part of my week. I advanced very quickly because I just loved to play. Coaches that punish kids for messing up at that age do damage to development as a young athlete. I will add, I respect you for identifying this early and trying to make your child's experience the best it can be. I wish someone would've done the same for me in the other sports I played. Keep it up and good luck!
3rd option - leave it alone. Positive conversations in the car and at home. Pat on the back - say you are proud he is brave. I had to say that and more with my 05 because I would have never been as brave as her. Let him find himself in the new environment. If he really wants it, your support and a good coach will get in through the transition.
My daughter was the same. It just takes more time with some - it's been a LONG time for her to gain confidence. She is one of 2 original players on her team that has been there more than 6 years. She's still finding her confidence but it has come and she does have some beautiful plays that seem to come as second nature. This happened just this season so have patience for sure. If your club allows for outside play them start up an open game or sandlot soccer in the summer where his friends who may play rec can come and play. When he sees how far he's come in comparison to those still playing rec, it will provide a good vibe and boost of confidnence. lncolnpk and his wife are completey correct about the re-wire. We are asking these kids to now use their noodle to make decisions on the ball and distributing the ball for example. I push my 7 & 8 year olds who are capable to do just that but there is a lot of examples and some talking required. They are sponges - they can do it. For some it takes more time. Could be because of their disposition(personality). Could be becuase they are an only child or come from a broken home. No one is the same. Just enjoy the time and be supportive because you'll never get any of this back.
Wow! Thanks for the great responses and advice. You are all right. I think Volk hit it on the head, I just need to leave it alone and have patience. I'll find some outside rec level soccer to boost his confidence.
If you look around this subforum a bit, you'll find that I went through something similar with my son. He was timid and not very competitive as a boy, and it really affected his play. So I'm very, very sympathetic. But here's the good news--Volk is right, you just need to ride it out, AND take yourself and your own anxiety out of the equation. It took me longer to figure this out than I'd like to admit, but you gotta be the parent not a second coach. If you don't put any pressure on your kid and just let him enjoy it as best he can, he's very likely to come through it as a more confident player and a better player.
my son is u14 this year, he also started pretty late at 9 and similar story dominated house league, took him to rep at u11 and realized it was all politics and drama if i can go back I would have got him doing more technical 1v1 dribbling skills etc. too many bad parents and coaches on the sideline yelling pass/shoot etc let the kids have fun and fall in love with the game. winning and dominating at such young age wont matter in a few when most kids quit.
YES. This is great advice. Best advice I ever got from a youth coach (it didn't fully sink it at first, but eventually I recognized the wisdom) wasn't from one of my son's club coaches, but some guy who for years ran a popular summer soccer camp for little kids in my county; just a summer camp for U-littles, with some HS aged club players as coaches/babysitters. My son was really young and just starting out club play but already showed some promise. I asked the guy what else I could do to help my son develop as a player, and he said "make sure he's having fun so he'll stick with it." It sounded like good advice right there and then, but it wasn't until a few years later when I realized how good it was. Player development is a marathon, not a sprint--and right around the age of 13/14 or so is when a lot of players either move on to another sport or, more likely, quit altogether or at least lose their ambition. So many of the players who kept my timid, mild-mannered son on the bench as an 10-12 year old player were either out of the game or found out as purely average players with no real drive or particular talent. I don't want to give myself any credit for my son's drive and determination to stick with it, but I do think that my wife and I did eventually--during those years of being a bench-warmer or an afterthought on "good" club teams--learn to keep our thoughts and as much of our anxiety to ourselves as possible. Kids will do whatever you sign them up for...until adolescence. That's when things change, quick. And that's the point where "do I still like playing soccer?" becomes a question the kid will ask him or herself. At that point, the best thing a parent could have done is to make sure there was no "heaviness" on the ride home from game & practice, and no pressure on the way to game & practice.
Lots of great advice here. As long as you are letting your kid take the lead in choosing where he wants to play, let him be. What I found is once you start down that path of playing with a competitive club, it's very hard to go back to rec or low level travel, unless you are in a really negative environment or it becomes a hardship for the family. Keep in mind that things will change drastically over the years - as others have said. I've been through what you are going through and could not agree more with those that say keep the car rides home from games light, don't get too involved by watching every practice, and don't pester kids with questions about why they aren't using certain skills/moves in games. When you let your kid take ownership of their own game, they'll have a lot more fun.
Tons of great advice. The "No PGA" (post-game analysis) rule is a good one. I’d suggest you keep him with the current team unless he is really unhappy. Try to distinguish between a lack of desire to compete with an adjustment to a more competitive field. Every year of travel there will be tryouts. HS will have several years of trying to make the team at all, making varsity, starting etc. Camps are another place where players are in new environments and have to acclimate. (and so will getting into AP classes, getting into college, making the school play, getting that part-time job etc. sports aren't the only place they will compete) Most college players have a real adjustment in their freshman year. They have been excellent for a while and then have to adjust to a whole new world. So, even as outstanding 18-19 year old players, they have to get used to a new pecking order and a new level of competition. Unless they are the greatest player in the world, they are going to hit some hurdles along the way. It can be a great learning opportunity and all of those previous tollgates are good experience to draw upon for confidence. Before youth sports became what they currently are, they used to be a great way for kids to learn life lessons...because they weren't about travel teams, classifications, regional trophies etc. Whether at u8 or D1, the kids are learning more than soccer and are more resilient than most parents give credit. The 'real world' will call upon them to have the same skills...in our experience, sports have helped prepare our kids for the real challenges they will face and I would recommend showing them early on how life works and how challenges can be a great thing. Some day they will hang up the cleats, it should be fun but it also can be instructive.
I have seen a number of technically talented kids who can't cope with the physical side of the game. For want of a better word they are scared of the contact. They think they're going to get hurt if they tackle or get tackled. I suspect that if you try, you (or your son) may be able to recall a time in a game or training where the physical contact from one of the more aggressive players took him by surprise and he hobbled about a bit. He won't tell you it hurt and scared him - especially if you or the coach said something along the lines of "walk/shake it off". Not that you are to blame but it is easy to underestimate how easy it is to get hurt in football - especially if you have not played the same level. Has he ever been taught to tackle properly? How to line up and perform a good standing tackle? Has he ever been taught how to judge and ride an incoming tackle? That actually meeting the tackle aggressively hurts less than being the passive recipient of it or shying out - especially if you have the correct technique? I think he is allowing his fear of getting hurt to affect how he plays under pressure - seen it so often I could tell just from his body language on receiving the ball. It may just be that he is less physically brave. That's okay. It changes for a lot of players when they reach puberty and the testosterone kicks in and/or they grow to be physically stronger. As others have said, it is most important that he plays the game for the love of it at the moment. It is also equally important that he gets proper all round coaching about more than dribbling and tricks, passing and shooting. Tackling and riding the tackle is one of the most underestimated skills by many poor coaches. They and the parents blame the kid when it may just be they have never been taught it (or taught it enough).
I think this is an all-too-often ignored skill set in youth leagues. My son (U6) was so confused when he got into trouble for... basically slamming another player to the ground to steal the ball He's a sweet kid who would NEVER do that on a playground, but he sees the way his dad plays. He's surprisingly strong, & very competitive. His coaches encourage them to play assertively & he's been commended for his "attack" on the ball, but they had never explicitly told the players what they could & couldn't do. Until that incident...
Considering so much of the game comes down to this over time, kids should be taught the proper types, and the mechanics, of good, strong tackling. And while we're at it, let's teach the parents about good and bad tackles too...the average sideline can't tell one from the other but is willing to scream about both.
I think this was true for my son a bit. Puberty/adolescence took care of that. Good point--I'd add that we often forget that kids grow up "seeing" the sport differently than we do as adults. The stuff we just assume is part of the game as a whole might actually need to be introduced to kids who only know it as they have played it. Also--moving to select means there are a lot more adults around taking everything very seriously--the refs are more like "real" refs, you've got assistant refs calling offsides; and of course parents on both sides are getting more worked up. For a lot of kids this is really disorienting and takes a while to adjust to.
I agree that playing is important but its not like spectators don't understand the sport. I may not have been a great point guard in the past but I can recognize and appreciate one. Likewise, I was never in a school play but know good and bad acting when I see it. To me, the skill was in having the player opine on their performance, strengths, weaknesses etc. and offering supporting or counter views (which changed from 100% supporting at U8 to more of a balance by U16). I think it has been important for me to have a perspective on the performance, even if I never voiced it or only discussed parts of it when asked. This is one aspect of camps that should be sought out, do you get a detailed assessment of your skills etc. Some offer nothing and others offer 'everybody gets a trophy' feedback. Getting honest, accurate feedback from a third party with no dog in the fight was helpful. They were best equipped to provide age appropriate feedback (it isn't fair to watch La Liga and then give your 12 year old suggestions) and give some perspective on what it would take to succeed at the next level/age group. I wouldn't suggest taking the feedback as gospel but, like most reviews, if the news is a complete surprise, that should tell you something. I'm not as big a fan for camps in terms of pure development, but for a high end player it puts them in an uncomfortable situation, pits them against different players, sometimes in different positions under the direction of people who don't know them, their parents or the other players. I found that helpful from a 'where do we fit in?' perspective. Too many families pursue college soccer without ever getting a valid assessment of their kid's likelihood to play at that level. Having a D1 coach tell you that you are not D1 material may hurt feelings but allow the player to appropriately focus on D2-3 schools versus chasing offers that won't come. U17 ID camps that promise college opportunities are another matter, many of them are simply vacuums sucking money out of your checking account...the U14-U15 camps were the most effective in our experience.
Did you quote my post by mistake? Just curious--it doesn't seem like your comments are in response to what I said.
I was picking up on your comments that what we see is different from what the player experiences. I completely agree. This thread, and others, have also made the very good point that parents should be cautious regarding providing too much input into what the player should learn or how they perform. So, I was attempting to thread that needle and offer my thoughts on ways to help the player learn what might not be coming to them via training or playing. It would be great if all coaches could provide that level of detail but that is hit or miss from what I've seen. I think we all do a good job of discounting the perspective of the over-aggressive parent but at the same time I wanted to point our that reasonable parents do have the ability to understand where our kids might need to work on being more aggressive, being more selfish, less selfish, defending etc. But, if the club/coach isn't doing that, it doesn't have to fall completely on the parent, there are outside sources of information. We've been fortunate to play at some very well organized clubs so, in addition to the coach, we would get feedback from the DOC and other leaders in the clubs. Not everyone has that in their club so I brought up camps as a way to get additional perspective if it is 'just the parent' trying to figure it out. I may be mixing up my posters, but I think you and I have gone through similar experiences with our kids who play the game...I'm sure there must be something you've typed I didn't completely agree with but your perspective has rung true with most of what I've seen in my dozen or so years with three different kids. Due to moving the family twice we've had the opportunity to experience several clubs, both genders... from B teams to MLS DA...we've had winless seasons and visits to USYS Nationals. So, I sometimes find it difficult to align my experiences with a thread as I have been there when it is all about having fun and I've been there when 26 coaches were watching the game and offers could be gained or lost by the performance in one game. Sorry if it came across otherwise...I am not great at editing quotes for emphasis etc.etc.
1. Talk to your kid... biggest question.... Are you having fun? If that answer is anything other than a whole hearted yes pull your kid out and put him in Rec. 2. You worry that the kid is not getting enough in rec? Spend time with him playing soccer. There are plenty of drills on the internet to get him more soccer outside of competitive. Invite his friends over for some backyard soccer and join in to show him the joy of the game. Hey the worst you get is some great child Dad time.
Go with the best training, which is probably the competitive team. And then just let it go, let him breath and get comfortable. Let him do his thing, after awhile, he will naturally find his confidence. Theres an adjustment period.