This is long. So I apologize in advance. But I feel I need some advice from experienced referees as to whether or not I should continue with the sport. I appreciate anyone who has the time and patience: I just completed my third season refereeing for a youth recreational league in our city. We divide our league into areas, and I have been the head referee for 2 of the areas, in charge of training my young referees, and scheduling. It’s a two-month season, and the league is set up mainly for learning purposes. Technically, we don’t keep score, and many of the players are involved mainly for participation purposes. But some are club players who also play in our rec league. It’s a learning league for players, coaches AND referees. But we call the game according to the laws, with a few house rules sprinkled in (e.g.: quarters instead of halves, free substitutions). For the first two years I had no serious incidents with coaches, players or parents. In fact, I gave only one red card, to a player (2 yellows). No one complained when I gave it, and I spelled out the reasons to the coach after the game, who was fine with it. This year, I had three serious, threatening incidents. The ugly parents involved are trying to drive me out of the league. The first one involved an 11-12 girls game and a coach who was argumentative all game, then in the third quarter, he tried to pull his team from the field because I was not “explaining my calls enough.” When he tried to pull his team, I felt that was a red card offense, and I felt I saved the game from being stopped by a rogue coach. My head ref told me I didn’t have to “explain my calls.” However, I have always explained my calls when asked respectfully, and at the appropriate times. This team was disrespectful, and expected explanations during the run of play. I was available during intermissions, and no one approached me to explain my calls. They only argued. It’s not as if I called more fouls on one team or the other, or endangered anyone. After the coach was red carded, he proceeded to stand behind a fence separating the park from the street, about 10 yards from his bench. (My mistake. I should have asked him to move.) From there, he proceeded to use a foul mouth toward his bench, and encouraged his assistant (wife) to get his kids to “give the ref hell,” among other things. I did not hear all this, but my wife informed me of it during the 3rd-4th Qtr intermission. However, I did not discipline for it because I did not hear it. After the game, the girls on that team performed a clapping mock “Go ref” cheer. I nearly red carded the other coach over it, but did not want to create an even more ugly scene. There already were at least 2 dads coming toward me wanting answers for my performance, whom I refused to talk to. I could tell after the RC that parents were unruly off the field. My objective was to keep the game on the field under control, which I did. My wife is not a soccer person, but she had our two daughters (ages 3 and 0) there. She’s come to a number of my games and there have been no problems. She was offended by the parent and coach behavior at a supposedly family-friendly youth rec league, and wanted the board to know of this behavior, so she wrote a lenthy letter detailing the language and behavior that she witnessed, and threats made to me and my whole family (some were going to follow us home, but never did). She did not write the letter because people didn’t like my calls. She was concerned about (supposed) adults setting an example for 11-12-year-old girls, and the foul language and threats that my 3-year-old heard. The league was mostly supportive of the letter. However, the coach I red carded is the brother-in-law of one of my directors, who was on vacation. The incident basically turned into my word against his, and a bunch of denials to her that anything my wife had written ever happened. Incident 2: A parent tried to sit about 3 feet from a corner, on the coaches’ side of the field. We had been told to strictly enforce a house rule of coaches’ and spectators’ sides of the field, because of spectator interference last season. As the game was about to begin, I noticed he was too close to the corner and on the coaches’ side. I politely asked him to move to the spectators’ side (which happens often with spectators who don’t know the league rule.) He was adamantly defiant, and it turned into a shouting match. He got foul-mouthed. I threatened to kick him out, and said I’d stop the game if I heard one foul word from him during the game. I informed the coaches of this, and they agreed, and the coaches of his kid’s team even begged me to kick him out, stating that he’d been trouble all season. A few weeks later, I had a chance encounter with him on the street as I prepared to set up game. He was riding his bicycle, and recognized me and basically chased me around the field on his bike, threatening me, until the teams for that game showed up. I feel like if I see this wacko again, that I might not be safe. Incident 3: A 13-14 girls team that played on the home field I scheduled referees for. I had them about 5 times this season, and they were mouthy to me from the get-go, and the female coach (whose kids have reffed for me) was frustrated with my calls all season long and wasn’t afraid to tell me so. I was EXTREMELY tolerant of her verbal bashings. Some of her players were extremely physical, often pushing off and lifting elbows, and I did not relent in calling them. The coach argued offside with me, and even demonstrated she knows nothing about offside. She once screamed for offside while her own team was taking a goal kick! Of course, any breakaway her team gave up was supposedly offside, but I backed my linesmen when they didn’t call it. In the final game with them, they got too mouthy in the final minute. After a blatant push-off call, the coach accused me of having an agenda against their top player (and most physical). This player, if she had 3 girls between her and the ball, she would slalom through the other players and move them out of the way to get to the ball. I’d call it. She also wasn’t afraid to kick right through legs, or push through backs to get to the ball. I called it. Some of my younger referees, perhaps, didn’t. She also pushed defenders away from her even while she had possession, often pushing them down with elbow or extended arm. She kept fouling, and I kept calling them. When the coach accused me of the agenda in the final minute, I gave her a yellow card (first all season for her, but could have been more), and a yellow for her daughter for cheering for her mom for getting the yellow from me. Then after the game, I had an incident with the parents. Apparently the parents of the “star” physical player also had a girl on the 11-12 team whose coach I red carded (incident 1), and got wind of the public letter to the board by my wife. The mom walked past my wife, who was holding my 11-week-old daughter, calling her a liar, insulting her physical appearance, and threatening her to a fight. The wife then mocked my 3 year old for being damaged for “hearing more bad words” (a reference to my wife’s letter). My wife and I ignored it all until I had had enough over the comments to my 3-year old, and I told her to take it to the league, which resulted in the dad getting in my face threatening to punch me out. I walked away. I suppose I shouldn’t even have made the one comment I did. But these parents proved that my wife’s letter over the red-card game was a “lie,” by acting the exact same way, if not worse. I wrote a letter much longer than this to the board, detailing the final two incidents and basically stating that I thought this was a family-friendly league, and I felt I couldn’t bring my family to the games anymore because of these thugs. I told them I didn’t know if I could referee for them next summer. The league is having a special monthly board meeting over my letter detailing the final 2 incidents. However, I feel I’ve lost credibility with my director, whose brother-in-law I red carded. I’m not sure I received the support I should from this league. I’m discouraged as a referee. Part of me does not want to back down to the thugs, and return next season. But I also don’t want my kids exposed to this ever again. I also feel my wife has become a target, for trying to do the right thing for a league that says it promotes a family atmosphere. I want to see what kind of support I get from the special board meeting. Before the season, I was considering contacting the local club team this fall to see if I could get my referee license through them, and work their games. I felt I have brushed up on the laws enough, and gained 3 years experience through the rec league - and stayed in shape - that I’m ready. Problem is, some of these same kids also play club ball. Not that I would back down from it, but I wonder what kind of support I’d get if I faced these kids, parents again. I’m 39 years old and love the game. I want to continue to contribute to it. After plenty of reflection, and sorrow that this all occurred at all, I’ve concluded that I did nothing wrong except call a soccer game. I did my job in each instance. Sorry for the length of this post. Thank you for reading. Any advice, critiques or support - public or private - would be appreciated.
deeply sorry to read about the troubles and threatening behaviour you and your family have been subjected too. i live in scotland and my best friend is an assistant coach to a girls team. one of his daughters plays for the team. unfortunately what you have described happens in the league they play in from time to time. my friend and his colleague try to promote good values and preach that the game should be about entertainment first and winning second at that age level (u-12's). however some people just cant seem to help themselves although from what i've heard it is more on the parents part rather than the coaches. it sounds to me that you are a good referee and have out grown the league where the incidents took place. push on in the hope that people will recognise this fact and that you can continue to grow and develop at a higher standard. whatever happens i wish you the best of luck.
Hi there, thank you for sharing about your situation. To say the least, it sounds like a very tough thing to go through. Personally, if everything is as you describe, I'm not sure I would see the value in sticking around that league. It doesn't sound like there is much control or discipline, or support for the referees. We have the hardest job out of anybody out there, and if you don't have support from the governing body then it is a waste of time. At 39 you still have many years you can contribute to the game if you feel like you want to continue. USSF, with all of its flaws, at least has some level of control over parents or coaches who cannot behave. And they tend to be very good at backing the decisions of the referee in most leagues. So if you are really into being a referee and helping soccer then I definitely recommend you go ahead and get your certification. All that being said, the only one who really can know what to do in your case is you. It seems you've reflected quite a bit on the situation and have, for the most part, decided you are not going to continue with them. But, given that you've already contributed 3 years of your life to this group and a part of you doesn't want to back down, you're reaching out to the forum here to perhaps give a reason to stay. Or, conversely, to confirm that you should leave. I think you know that we can't tell you what to do, you just have to do what you think is best. Just rest assured that there are many many opportunities to referee, and there are more games out there than referees available. So you'll always be needed by somebody, and they will appreciate you very much for helping them. Personally, I wouldn't waste my time with a league that doesn't have their act together and doesn't appreciate my help.
There are leagues out there that need you. Move on. Any league that would allow adults to behave in that manner does not want you. I was unsuccessful in getting zero-tolerance for town youth league but we did get code of conduct for players/parents/coaches. I also told referees that they can have a personal zero tolerance policy. Refer league to wwww.positivecoach.org when you remove yourself from referee list.
I assume this is a USSF sanctioned program? If so, get ahold of the SRC member for your area and the SRA and SYRA and see if they will support you by going to the meeting and discussion the options if ref abuse continues. The options would be along the lines of loosing USSF sanction, loosing all refereee support etc. Are the coaches licensed? If so, you can bring this up to the state committee for the coaches and suspend/revoke the coaching license. There is also the option of having a game assessed by a state assessor to validate that the reffing itself is not a problem. Covers you from that angle as well. Can also have the state director of coaching come and watch to see the behaviour of the parents and coaches. There are lots of angles to pursue this under, if you decide to continue. Being a USSF certified refs gets you the backing of the state/USSF officials for your state. Use them.
Good God, man, where do you live? That is atrocious behavior! And then, the league doesn't back you up? I would look elsewhere. A little dissension is to be expected. This goes way over the top.
I would assume that it is NOT affiliated. A USSF affiliated league does not have a referee with 3 years experience as the "head" referee, training other referees. It sounds to me that Sean has been too much of a nice guy. If they yell at him, what do you think they do when they have a youth referee? I'll bet the retention rate of referees is dismal. Not only does it get you backing of officials, it gets you strength in numbers. The USSF-certified referees in a ref association would tell this league to get its act together or they won't have any referees.
Sean, You stated that you were hoping to get your license through a new league? That implies to me that you and your other referees are all unlicensed. It seems from your discussion that you are trying hard and getting a lot of grief for your efforts. I have run a recreation league that used unlicensed refs (my current league only uses certified officials). We did not permit 1/10 of what you have described. 1. It sounds to me like you were too easy going. When people are jerks, you need to toss them out or have the coaches or police toss them, simple as that. Otherwise they get uglier and uglier. From your description, ignoring some of this conduct just made things worse. For example, if you tell a spectator to move and they don't, the game ends until they leave. No discussion, no arguing. Call the police if needed. You allowed coaches to continually argue with you. You allowed a coach who was dismissed to continue coaching from 10 yards away. You allowed a player to continually foul and run over other players. By permitting this behavior, you encourage it in your games and in games refereed by others. 2. The league should deal severely with these incidents. A spectator or coach who harasses a ref should be barred from further attendance at games. Also, on my old board, directors who were related to people involved in incidents were not allowed to participate in any discussions, I hope that these points are true for your league, otherwise I would find a new league. 3. While I know you were doing your best, I would suggest that a league using unlicensed refs should at least have a certified ref in charge. It is easier to argue and think you are right with an unlicensed ref than one with a badge. It is obvious from your post that you care for the game and give your best. I would encourage you to get certified and find a new league if your old league is not supportive of its officials.
Competitions where there are few if any sanctions against this kind of behaviour are nothing but trouble. This summer I refereed a few games in an unaffiliated competition and in a league that is organised under the local district to get players into shape for high school. Now, I wasn't too concerned about the liability aspect because I joined NASO specifically to have my own liability coverage. But while most of the matches were largely uneventful, I did have two that were horror shows. My impression was that since there were no consequences beyond the game in question, players and coaches felt they could behave as they wished. If they got sent off, they didn't much care. The unaffiliated competition had no real disciplinary structure. The affiliated competition had no real sanctions available to it either, because none of the players involved would be playing in youth soccer once high school started. There are plenty of opportunities to referee matches at the grass-roots level. I've learned through experience what to avoid. I'd stay well away from unaffiliated competitions that show themselves to be unsupportive of the officials. I've got a reasonable memory for coaches and parents that can't behave, and I generally discover I am assigned elsewhere if offered matches involving them. I don't like leaving the local assignor with a problem, but if the club isn't willing to clean things up, I'm not interested in having to deal with repeat offenders. It's sad that things are like this, and it's a terrible example to be putting in front of impressionable youth, but there comes a point where you need to put yourself (and in this case your wife) first.
Don't agree, let me explain, It sounds like a rec program in a town, such as mine. Our rec program is registered and affiliated with NH Soccer Association which is affiliated with USSF. If this is the case, then he could have the backing of SRA/SYRA etc as long as he is using USSF certified refs. Our rec program has a "ref assignor" that assigns the youths to the rec games. We require all of them to be USSF refs. At this point if a problem comes up, you have USSF ref, reffing a game for an organization that is USSF affiliated. Problems solved. There are some serious issues here, just walking away, which is probably the sane and logical thing to do, only passes the problem to others who take over. The solution starts with the board of the soccer program, this is where the SRA/SYRA and SRC come into play. Solution works from the top down and it will be painfull and slow to fix.
There are some battles not worth fighting. However, if you wish to pursue this and do justice for youth soccer, I suggest sending a group e-mail to anyone in the state referee system who even has a remote chance of giving a hoot. Referee abuse/assault is taken VERY seriously. Trying to deal with this problem on a club level will get you nowhere. Go straight to the top. If your state association is anything like mine, you'll have good people who won't waste a minute in backing your rights, USSF certified or not. Police involvement is also an option - if you can get an off-duty cop or something to go to a game and this happens, that guy'll be in handcuffs before he can say "bull....". Nothing like having your mug shot splattered all over the evening news to shut people up.
I would bail on this league immediately. I wouldn't wait for any meetings or hearings, I would just inform them that I have had enough with the league. How rediculous to threaten a referee's family over a silly game. YOU should have called the police in some of these cases. (chased around on a bike, threatened to punch you out.) That's my advice. Then find your local USSF sanctioned and affiliated league, take the referee course there and become one of the USSF referees. You'll get better training and far better protection from the leagues. Plus if there is a familial relationship on the league's board - that board member will recuse themselves from a hearing if there is a conflict of interest like the one mentioned here. Bail, my friend, bail!
What city and state is this in by the way. Someone here could point you in the right direction by the way.
After one of the two unpleasant games I referred to earlier, I was approached by a parent who wanted to "discuss" something. It was a small parking lot, not easy to have parked away from everybody else. I told him three times that I was not going to discuss anything, after the third time I asked my AR to call the police, which she did. That alone was sufficient to discourage any further involvement and the parents left pretty quickly. The officer who arrived (very quickly) was very sympathetic to the plight of officials and waited until the parking lot was cleared and we were ready to go. (FWIW, we didn't leave sooner because, as I said, it was a very small lot and full of people including children. I felt trying to back a car out of a space and leave might have been a bigger problem that staying, especially since everybody was aware that the police were on their way.) Fortunately the home team's parents and coaches were excellent and did not get into it. In fact, the home team coach sent a very positive report into the district officials, and forwarded an unsolicited letter from one of her parents that made it quite plain where the problems lay. So there are plenty of decent folks out there, it's just the bad apples that leave a nasty taste in your mouth.
NHRef, This league is not sanctioned with USSF. And the coaches are not licensed. Only volunteers. There is a coaches training offered at the beginning of each season, taught by a local college coach, but no one shows up. I offered to lead one if the question was a matter location, to help out. Me and my wife suggested certain coaches be banned from coaching if they encouraged poor sportsmanship or animosity toward a referee over his calls, but the league was more concerned about finding enough people to volunteer their time to coach, rather than allowing the proper coaches. I have suggested to the board a parent/coach conduct form for next season, stating that poor conduct could lead to the suspension of their child for the next game. I left it open for them to modify it from there. From what I've heard, some of the better board members (ones more concerned the poor behavior toward a referee, rather than protecting) are considering it.
Thank you njref. You are correct on most points. I likely was too easy-going. However, I disagree with allowing the player to continually foul. I did not. I called her on it all season. That's one thing I did not back down from. I continued to call my game despite the intimidation efforts, which I am proud of. The difference likely is that, when my younger referees worked her team's games, they did not call it (or much the entire game, for that matter). Young referees asserting themselves is a typical problem I've had, and tried to work with them. Other than that, you are dead-on. It's mostly an easy-going league, for the purpose of learning and taking the next step to more competitive levels. 99.5 percent of the coaches, parents, players are great, and learn to listen to the referee, even if they don't agree. However, these incidents were insane.
Would sending an e-mail to the state referee system help out, if this league I work is not sanctioned?
Erie, PA. You are right, police should have been an option. Unfortunately, I did not make a habit of carrying my cell phone to games, until that last one (incident 3). I sort of did an Sherriff Taylor the past 3 years, not thinking I'd need it. The league has suggested I call the police if something happens. Again, I've been too nice. Of course, after the red card (incident 1), a board member suggest I reschedule myself off their games. I was not afraid to work a team's game in the future in which there were problems. I felt that would have been punishing me, not them.
Jesus H - find a new league already! These guys don't deserve you! The men's league I played in couldn't get refs because of the constant arguing over calls. The league told the players they had to clean up their act because they couldn't find anyone to work the games - that was the only thing that had an impact.
as others have said, bail out of that league. you don't need the headache and subhuman behavior and threats to family members. there are MANY other places who would welcome a referee who cares about the game with open arms and will generally NOT tolerate poor behavior from coaches, players, and fans.
Sean, My apologies on one point where I was not clear. You indicated that you called fouls consistently on a player who was too aggressive, which is good. But the next step, which I should have explicitly suggested, is to card the player for persistent infringement if they continually foul others. This escalation raises the stakes and sends a clear message that continual fouling will not be accepted. Again, I urge you not to quit and let the morons triumph, get your certification and go to a league that stands behind their officials. I don't blame you for wanting to quit, you have had far worse experiences in one season than I have had in a dozen years of officiating.
Sounds like a roadtrip is in order for Steve. Why in the world would soccer in Erie not be affiliated with PA-West? Affiliation requires a little bit of money to pay state dues, but you get so much for it. You don't have to train the referees anymore, you just schedule a clinic with the SDRI. You have a chain of command when things go sour. You get a lot of resources, especially for coaches to use in training their teams. Is this a small group trying to get started outside the mainstream of youth soccer? See this link for information on PA-West District 7: http://www.pawest-soccer.org/district7.html There's several clubs in your area that would give you the opportunity of reffing in a more controlled environment.
It looks like he is involved in one of those rogue groups. Erie, PA is about 3 hours from where I am. But I know a guy on the upper end of things out there and I'll see if he might have some ideas, but no promises. That said, I'll only contact him if the original post's author wants me to contact the guy I have in mind..... ?
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