My daughter joined an MPL/NL team this fall, along with two other players from our previous team. When my daughter joined that team two years ago, one of the girls- we’ll call her “A”- pretty much ran the show, socially. She was the loudest and most assertive, in large part because of the close and long-standing relationship she and her mother had with the coach. The fact that she was one of the best players was also a factor, and needs to be acknowledged. As would be expected, the behavior got progressively worse as “A” continued to grow (Grow, not mature). By this spring “A” was routinely barking negative comments at her teammates during games, as well as making denigrating gestures, and often being disciplined during practice for backtalking the coach. When the coach finally tried to throw up boundaries it was too late…he became The Enemy and “A” began actively recruiting girls to leave the club. We were leaving anyway, and had the misfortune of winding up with “A” again. Fast forward to today. “A” is working her way back from an injury sustained in training camp (Because, of course, somebody did something to her). She is not starting, which doesn’t help matters. My daughter is, which makes things even worse due to their “frenemy” relationship. Worst of all, the same Mommy/Player coach-schmoozing is well underway with the new coach, and same attitude patterns have begun to re-emerge. Recently, several parents have approached me with quiet, polite queries about the history of her “bad attitude”. This team has been a tight and harmonious group by all accounts, and I am concerned about how this is going to play out. Including what backsplash might wind up on us due to our previous association with “A” and “Mommy A”. Has anybody else had a similar situation? How was it resolved, if at all?
You'll get this type of thing on pretty much 99.9% of teams. For my own son, I liked to use it as an opportunity to teach some life lessons. In all walks of life, from sporting teams to work colleagues there will be people who you find disagreeable for whatever reason. Especially when teamwork is required. The important thing is that you are able to continue working as a team and not let the bad apple stop you from achieving what you want to achieve. Easier said than done, you may say, and I'd agree. However, have you asked yourself why "A" behaves in this way? I usually find it's to mask their own insecurities or shortfalls. Sorting out her bad attitude is the job of the coach and you should leave him to do his job. Girl "A" is on a learning journey as well remember. She has her own obstacles to deal with. However, I'll caveat that with the proviso that your responsibility as a parent begins IF girl "A"s behaviour starts to have a negative effect on your daughter. Personally, I'd let her work the situation out for herself as, like I said before, it is an invaluable life lesson.
I feel for you @Backyard Bombardier! My D had a narcissist on her team that my D befriended and then one day she turned and my D was the enemy. I stayed out of it and my D had to learn to deal with it - and she did. Lesson learned for us all. Turns out I was more upset by whole situation than her.
I don't want to say too much on the (extremely) off chance one of DS's teammates parents read here, but we have had issues over the last two years with a certain player on his HS team. His has loudly berated teammates during games (loud enough that the parents can hear). And I'm talking about yelling "you shouldn't be playing! Why are you even on the field?" He has blamed teammates for losses (a goalie because he let a goal through, a defender because he let a player get by him and he scored). This occasionally happens at practice too. The coach has talked to him repeatedly, and took away his starting position for a game. DS started calling him out on it last year. This year multiple players are calling him out. He would be better for a while, then things would deteriorate again. How we get through it? Let DS know he needs to remember how this boy acts and to not do the same. If DS wasn't willing to stand up for himself, I'd suggest he go to the coach and express his concerns. I don't remember how old your daughter is, but I would suggest the same (have her or a group of her teammates talk to the coach about A after practice). Tonight starts post season tournament, so the season is about over. Good luck!
Thanks for the responses, all. As Eric correctly intuits, there are substantial social/emotional issues that contribute to “A”s behavior. No father, financial struggles (that her mother burdens her with), and the victim mindset perpetrated by her mother. There is also a lack of social self-awareness at play, that contributes to her saying things aloud- very loud- that no child with any conceptual understanding of consequences would. It’s a toxic mix. I get all of that, and have tried to counsel her over the past few years to be more patient, to work some positive reinforcement into her comments, and to try to restrain her emotions in reaction to setbacks, but all I have ever gotten is excuses and more victimhood, blame-games. I could do more, but that would entail me venturing near the black hole that is her mother’s social life…get too close and the gravitational pull is inescapable. I feel badly because I can see a promising soccer career headed for a crash, but I have my own problems. The coach recently approached us about “A” in a private setting, having been flabbergasted at the backtalk and attitude he got when he asked her to play Right Back for a game instead of Mid bc they were shorthanded. (A chance to start no less, instead of coming off the bench) I could tell he was not used to that kind of response, at all. My wife and I carefully voiced our take on the situation with the previous coach, but all indicators since point to him going down the same path. Her mom is very successful manipulator. :shrug: Our response has been the slowly distance ourselves- both my daughter, and my wife and I- from the situation, both on-field and off. Our daughter is quiet, but the consummate team player, dependable, and a gifted athlete. Every coach she'd had likes her. I have to trust that those qualities will get her where she wants to go. I feel fortunate that at this point her playing resume is good enough that we can bail if we have to, and find a good place to land.
I think the coach needs to create a very simple and clear communication-framework for her. If there are specific things that A says, he needs to identify those, verbatim, and tell her she cannot say those things. Make it easy for A to understand the boundaries. Start with only the most egregious stuff. Pinpoint one or two things. And have clear consequences if she breaches- laps, less playing time, etc. To make it relevant/interesting/fun - maybe even give her a yellow card when she commits one of these acts. If she gets 2 yellows (a red) then she has to sit. This will draw a clear line between the act and the punishment.
@Backyard Bombardier I don't think there is anything you can do, but "distance yourself" as you said. You're not the coach. If your daughter isn't bullied by "A" and she said it doesn't affect her then stay, but any team with "A" on it might not be fun and I'd hate to see your daughter lose interest and quit. Is your daughter old enough to trial for a ECNL or DA team next year? Sometimes you have to move on. And maybe go a bit further away so they don't follow you! Although sometimes it's better the devil you know than the devil you don't!
This caused me to remember the time that "A" got a Red Card in a tournament game...while sitting on the bench.
There is no chance that my daughter will quit because of anybody's antics. She is guest playing on a few other teams for another coach in the club, of which "A" is not a part of. That provides a nice respite from the drama, as well as additional game minutes. She really wants to play in high school next year, so DA isn't an option.
This is the best strategy for a few reasons. For one thing, it makes sure you avoid the trap of getting sucked into gossiping or even giving the appearance of being a gossip. But also, it avoids creating a conflict with the mother. Toxic people like that are relentless and will always outwork you. You don't want to play her game because she'll beat you at it. I'm not saying the mother is a monster by any means, but she's clearly got a certain kind of dysfunction going on. I've been in political situations like this and you really need a level of energy and obsession--and lack of self-awareness--to win the kind of long-game people like her excel at.
Yeah, like that old saying in politics: "Don't pick a fight with a man who buys ink by the barrel". Same principle at play here..."A"'s soccer career (If you can describe a 12yo playing soccer as a career) is the center of their existence, to an unhealthy, and financially unsustainable, degree. I mean, if you cannot afford to buy a sweatshirt as I was told yesterday, you shouldn't be in National League, with the higher fees, travel, and greater financial commitment in general. But here they are...at the same time sympathy-fishing by mentioning that they struggle to put food on the table. So yes, you can only imagine the emotional investment at play. Cannot compete with that shit. It feels at times like we've gotten involved with the mob...you can never truly cut ties, lol. We just need to manage for another year, when the age difference and living in different school districts will force separation. A year can be a LONG time though.
Difficult teammates tend to work themselves out of the team, but I’ve got boys. I can imagine things being a lot worse on the girl side.