balls of gold, balls of lead

one of the most exciting moments of the football year is upon us: the election of the cahiers du football's ballon de plomb. and the candidates are:



Mathieu Chalmé (Bordeaux)
Michaël Ciani (Bordeaux)
Pape Diakhaté (OL / Granada)
Alou Diarra (Bordeaux / OM)
Apoula Edel (PSG / Hapoël Tel Aviv)
Youssef El Arabi (Caen / Al Hilal Ryad)
André-Pierre Gignac (OM)
Moussa Maazou (Bordeaux / Zulte Waregem)
Modibo Maïga (Sochaux)
Emir Spahic (Montpellier / FC Sevilla)

 

the CdF article mentioned him specifically, to say that his nomination was out of the question, without saying why. perhaps they feel as i do, that his performances, while disappointing, are far from being as bad as the good folks at CFC and RMC would have everyone believe.

 

here's how i see things:

Mathieu Chalmé - you all know how much i hate the piece of s*** that gives redheaded weasels everywhere a bad name, but he's been too insignificant too long to merit being on this list a second year in a row. 2010, he could have been a contender, but crikey, no one's even updated his wiki page since then. heck, maybe no one's even looked at it. google chalmé and some third-rate painter named marc chalmé comes up before him. even "chalmé le mans" comes before "chalme mathieu"... for a goal he scored in 2008!

Michaël Ciani - a similar situation, except ciani wasn't even part of the bordeaux team that was crowned champion, so what was all the fuss ever about? domenech capped him once for a friendly in feb 2010 and he was in the UNFP all-star team the same year... did i miss something?

Pape Diakhaté - for pape on the contrary, i don't see how he was bad enough to make the list. some bad moments and bad matches, but some good ones too, and he was just on loan to fill in for injuries.

Alou Diarra - now we're getting somewhere. remains a key figure in both one of the richest and most prestigious clubs in france AND the national team, and hasn't put a foot right in 2011. only one possible explanation: he has pictures of lolo and DD doing the leather thing.

Apoula Edel - though not the greatest keeper in the game it's hard to see how his on-field performances add up to a ballon de plomb candidacy. but there's more than one way to win this trophy. some are imposters on the field, some off it. i don't think anyone really knows who or what edel is but it's a good bet he is neither armenian, nor 25 years old, nor named apoula edel.

Youssef El Arabi - in sporting terms he's the weakest candidate: came up through the SMC academy, a big part of their promotion to L1, played every match last year and scored 17 goals. the only problem? he left this summer for al hilal ryad in the saudi arabian league. lots of players go for that big payday at the end of their careers, at the beginning it raises more eyebrows. but i have no problems with it. and his name is el-arabi after all!

André-Pierre Gignac - the highest profile nominee for sure. and you can argue that the gap between his potential and his performance is the greatest but for that you have to believe he really has the potential to be a great player. i never did, so to me 8 goals in 30 matches last season and 9 so-so showings this one coming off an injury is practically honorable. he got in a big spat with his coach, but hey, it's marseille! he backed over a pedestrian in a crosswalk and then threatened to punch his lights out, but hey, it's marseille!

Modibo Maïga - now here's someone whose hijinx deserve reprobation. there's wantaway and wantaway, but being such a turd that even after scoring 4 goals in 3 matches the local fans are counting the days until they get rid of him, well that's special.

Emir Spahic - like i said there are different ways to win this trophy but the "rules" list : footballing qualities, career choice, personality. until they add: playing football in a fashion that outside the stadium could get you 6 months in prison, i don't see how spahic is eligible.

Moussa Maazou - here's my triple crown winner. in all three categories he's the leader. on the field? an imposter. aduesque. personality? the pearls nico cites are just the tip of the iceberg: a savant melange of blithering idiocy, total disrespect for fans, coach and teammates, and an ego as big as the ritz. career choice? as he says, he has no reason to envy players at real madrid or barcelona: he's at european giants zulte waregem for whom he appeared in 3 of their 17 matches this year (no goals) before being sent to the B team for discipline problems.

THERE'S ONLY ONE MOUSSA MAAZOOOOOOOO!!!​

 

in the doctor's report we read: "acute swelling of the ankles, an advanced case of melonitis and pronounced pilosity in the palms of the hands."

 

and the winner is:

 

i think all these are good picks: i'm surprised lucho didn't get nominated this year! the problem with payet is that the only people who put much stock in him were the ones who shelled out the 10M€. he was simply never that good a footballer and with 16 matches played and 2 goals he's exactly where he always was.

 

gourcuff was already been tacitly ruled out by the CdF this year:

D'aucuns s'étonneront peut-être de certaines absences – celles de leurs chouchous ou anti-héros à eux –, mais il a bien fallu trancher. Des candidats potentiels, tels Diego Lugano, Anthony Modeste voire Guillermo Ochoa étaient encore un peu tendres pour cette année: ils doivent confirmer. Sidney Govou, attaquant sur le déclin dont le principal tort est d'être un peu trop fêtard, ne pouvait décemment être désigné. Quant à Yoann Gourcuff, il n'en a même pas été question.

i don't feel i'm defending him blindly when i say he doesn't begin to measure up any of the three criteria:

footballing qualities - although far from what OL expected of him or his salary merits, he has not been catastrophic or even bad in absolute terms, and in terms of effort he has always responded present on the field.

personality and communication - if he's always been one of the most boring (and yet prolix) players in L1 to point a mike at, none of wantaway, malcontent, spiteful, catty or boastful have ever remotely applied.

career choice - signing at OL at the time he did can only be considered a logical and ambitious move, and staying at bordeaux up to then showed a modicum of loyalty. and whether he stays at OL or goes to arsenal (for example) on loan neither of those decisions could be faulted either.