Boys U12 - top team in club, but not in top division of the league. Coach has a bug up his butt about one kid (not my kid). Rides him constantly. Admittedly, there is a personality conflict. Kid is jovial/emotional in nature, coach is all business all the time. Coach doesn't offer any positive comments - instead consistently tells him he is selfish with the ball (puts him at striker almost exclusively) and other negative comments. Honestly, I don't see much validity in the comments, and neither does my kid, but because it is said so often, other kids on the team have picked up on it and are now riding him as well. He's starting to get really down, even though he's made great strides over the year in other areas, in particular, getting ahead of his emotions (he used to be a foot stomping, give up when bad things happen kind of kid and he's really turned it around), but he is constantly hearing negative feedback at practices and games. He's beginning to think his teammates think he's awful and no help to the team (objectively, he's the leading goal scorer) and his mom is worried that this situation is going to drive him out of soccer. After all, he's in middle school and newly 12 - when kids' confidence takes a nose dive and they quit sports in droves. The mom is torn - she wants to stay out of it or let her son handle it, but is now thinking it's time to talk to the coach. Kid tried to talk to the coach, but nothing good came of it. We (mom and myself) think the kid is too emotionally involved at this point to have a productive/diplomatic conversation with the coach himself. Do you think it's out of line for her to have a conference with the coach at this point?
I've said this before--most of us who are parents would never allow any other adult authority figure to treat/talk to our children the way youth coaches routinely do, and are even praised for. The fact that this coach is bullying an 11/12 year old to the point where teammates are picking up on it--I dunno, my gut feeling is the coach isn't worth talking to. In the long run, it's much more important for this kid to find somewhere he's happy to play so he'll stick with the game. If the Mom wants to try, that's up to her. But I really have nothing good to say about coaches like this guy.
Maybe there is a reason they are not in the top division? Either way - I would take my player somewhere else - not burn the bridge because they may desire to return at a later date when that coach is not involved.
Not at all…but like you say, be polite and diplomatic….and remember the positives (improved on field maturity; leading scorer), the coach should get some credit…lead with that… Maybe the coach is just a jerk or maybe just not aware or seeing things differently… Hopefully, coach is not just a jerk and is receptive of the concerns and situation can be rectified …if not, well, no harm done and time to move I guess…
It is one thing for a senior-level coach to ride a player or provide negative feedback, but there MUST be a purpose. 1. My hall of fame swimming coach one time looked at a swimmer before a meet and told the gal to her face that he put her in a particular race because he knew she wouldn't even finish the race and there was no possibility of her winning. The gal got so pissed that she not only finished but set a personal best time. The coach and swimmer had a good laugh about it after the race, but the gal was very upset prior to the race. The coach knew how to motivate her- and it worked. 2. I have seen coaches ride a player because either they weren't giving 100% or living up to their potential, or they just weren't focused. Eventually, they either quit because they were too stubborn or refuse to listen/see what the coach is doing, or they get "broken" of their bad habits and the coach gets more from them. If the coach knows how hard to push, this can be very effective as well. However, both of these methods, if not used properly, can also do damage to the kid. I have seen this with a few coaches- they see the most talented kid out there and when things are on the line, they ride the talented kid the hardest. Even if the problem on the field is not the talented kid's fault, he/she gets yelled at. I have had that conversation with a coach before. The good coaches will admit that they get caught up in the emotion of the game. Second, some kids just aren't emotionally ready for competitive sports. If the kid lacks either motivation or focus at the competitive level, and you are worried about how the kid is going to react to a coach yelling at him or riding him, then bump him down to recreational and let the kid have fun. Eventually he/she will either get the drive/motivation to focus or they won't and they'll be happy with rec / JV soccer. Think about it from a financial perspective- do you want to be spending thousands of dollars a year for your kid to play competitive when they don't have the drive/focus for competitive and he/she may have just as much fun as the rec level? Competitive sports must be a mix of mental and physical. Just because the kid is the most athletically gifted/talented out there, doesn't mean they are ready for the top competitive team. If you do have a conversation with the coach, use phrases like, "My perception is..." and then explain what you are seeing and how it is impacting the kid. If the coach is good, he/she will be able to explain why he is treating the kid that way and what their short and long-term goals are in terms of behavior and play. If the coach says anything like, "This is my team..." or any derivative, RUN.
I was talking to a buddy the other day. He coaches a team because he loves it. Does it for free. Has a regular job and makes a great living. He coaches his daughter. His son plays for another coach. We were talking about the politics of youth soccer and whether he talks to his sons coach about things like the original poster mentioned. His comments was "dude, the guy makes a living coaching 11 year old boys. Why in the hell should I be worried about having a conversation with someone that maxed out in life coaching youth sports."
"Coach has a bug up his butt about one kid (not my kid). Rides him constantly. Admittedly, there is a personality conflict. Kid is jovial/emotional in nature, coach is all business all the time." It does not even sound like the coach is enjoying what he is doing. That's a bad sign. If he is not having fun how are the kids he is trying to teach supposed to have fun. You can be serious about the game and still have a good time. "Coach doesn't offer any positive comments - instead consistently tells him he is selfish with the ball (puts him at striker almost exclusively) and other negative comments." Well evidently he knows after he gets a pass. He won't make a pass, but he can still score goals. That is why he is playing striker, and not sitting on the bench. "Honestly, I don't see much validity in the comments, and neither does my kid, but because it is said so often, other kids on the team have picked up on it and are now riding him as well." Just make sure your son does not fall in that trap. Sounds like the coach is blind to what is happening. Or he wants to use peer pressure to fix what he thinks is wrong with the players game. You might want to mention to your son that if he thinks what those other kids are doing is wrong. He might say something to his team mates to try to get them to stop doing it. It would be good for your son's development if he had the courage to speak out against this abuse. The team needs a leader not a lot of followers. Who knows the coach might learn something he did not know before. "He's the leading goal scorer) and his mom is worried that this situation is going to drive him out of soccer. After all, he's in middle school and newly 12 - when kids' confidence takes a nose dive and they quit sports in droves." Where is this boys father divorced? "Do you think it's out of line for her to have a conference with the coach at this point?" I think someone should protect the kids interestes. It hard to expect a kid to protect his own interests at that age. They think the coach is the authority figure. They don't realize that some adults are not a good example of an authority figure. That is why before you put a kid on a team. You should investigate the team and the coach before you join. At games and on the practice field. Also ask other parents on the team on what they think about the team and the coaching. Do that you might avoid these problems before they happen.
Thanks for all your advice everyone. Just wanted to update. So as it turns out, I was speaking to the coach about something else and I brought this subject up. Not in a confrontational way (I hope), but more in a "did you know this situation is happening" kind of way. He was very surprised to hear what I had to say and claimed to be unaware of the teammate comments as well. Of course, there are three sides to every story and his version included that he speaks to this player in positive way all the time (while admitting that he does also speak to him negatively), but as we spoke more about it, the conclusion we came to is that the positive comments are singular ("nice shot") but the negative comments are more global ("you are selfish with the ball"). As a result, to the 12 year old, the positive comments were minimized and the negative comments were taking center stage. So, he (the player) is viewing it as, "you are a bad soccer player who does a good thing here and there" instead of "you are a good soccer player that has areas that need improvement", which is what the coach intended (and I believe him). So anyway, the coach agreed that all kids are motivated differently said he would immediately change the way he speaks to him so that his message of "good player with flaws" gets through instead of "bad player who does something good every once in a while". Ever since I spoke with him, I have heard very positive things from my son about practice and things seem to really be different. I do hope it stays that way and that this was all a big misunderstanding. I felt bad being the person that brought it up (since it wasn't even my kid) but it was very organic in nature, it wasn't like I called a meeting to talk about another kids on the team. In the end, maybe it was a good thing. It made it a little less threatening since I wasn't complaining about my child.
It takes a village. And good for the coach to recognize and adjust. I think some parents are new to the world of soccer that they are afraid their coach will tell them "you don't know what you're taking about. This is how futbol works."
Timbuck what does it take a village actually mean? I remember Mrs Clinton writing a book called that. Some of us grew up in the inner city no villages there, for that matter no trees there either just tenements.
Sounds like you did just fine without a village. I meant that if all of us soccer parents are trying to help out each other (and each other's kids) then it sure makes things easier. Just like giving the kid a ride to practice who's parents are both working late. Or buying a new pair of cleats for the kid who's dad died. Or covering a kids lunch when you go out as a team and his parents couldn't make it. Or having a word with a coach about a 12 year old boy that is getting picked on because of some of the words he used at practice.
I think most of that is great to do for a kid. Two examples one was a kid was abused at home. He definitely was messed up from all the abuse. I am not talking about him getting beat up at home. Though that could happen. You see something is wrong and ask to speak to his parents who never come to games or practices. Then all of a sudden their kid stops coming. If you never said anything at least he would get away from his bad home life for a few hours three days a week. The second was with a 16 yr old sweeper I had. The kid was a fantastic player absolutely great. His father was at all his games anyone would call him a great father and his son loved him. Plus the kid was a fantastic person and father would be proud of him. Then his father gets arrested he was part of the pizza connection heroin connection. I think he got 30 years under the rico law. His son just stopped coming to games and practices. A lot of guys from the club looked for him and try to help him. Could not find him he ran away from home. He was destroyed by the actions of his father. I was walking in Kings Plaza and I guy calls down to me from the upper mall. It was him that was 14 yrs after he ran away. He was about 30 still very polite, but anyone could see he was a heavy drug user. I took him to eat, but he was not eating much. He did not want to talk much. After we said good bye never saw him again.
Well that's a really shitty attitude to have. Not that you should be worrying about having a conversation with that person, but somebody who chose to coach as a job because they love it shouldn't be lorded over just for that reason.
Absolutely--PLUS it denigrates the value of youth development. The implication here is that being a youth coach isn't a worthy endeavor.
u12 so the kid is 11 and has a moron for a coach, a coach that we hire to train our kids not verbally abuse them, a coach that is supposed to help them enjoy the game and learn improve instead this kid might end up hating soccer and just quit. i am speaking in general as i have seen coaches in my area with a eufa a, b licence do this during game and practice, and parents put up with and even encourage it?
THANK YOU for bringing it to his attention! It's an easy "fix" for the coach, which it sounds like he is happy to make, & that could have a hugely positive impact on the player. I believe that having someone who is not the player, or his parent, is especially beneficial. Too often parents' concerns are brushed off under the assumption that the parent is being snowflakey, & it can be really tough for a kid that age to stand up to an authority figure in a way that is clear & respectful when they likely feel as if the coach dislikes them.