Advice for a father to be

Congratulations!

We have a 5 week old who has her daddy wrapped around her little finger.

My advice:

1. Your wife will either have gone through major surgery with a Cesearian Section or through the most intense, painful expereince of her life with a vaginal delivery. Either way, her body is going to be in total turmoil. If you are able to take a few weeks off work, it will be a major help to her. In the US, a woman stays in the hospital for 3-4 days after a C-section and 1-2 days after a vaginal delivery. The recovery period is even longer with 6 weeks for a C-section and 2 weeks for a vaginal delivery. This period means no driving, no carrying heavy objects, etc.

2. Learn how to change a diaper. Newborns go through 8-10 per day, so any help you provide in this area will be most welcome. My wife and I like to joke that she takes care of one end (feeding) and I take care of the other.

3. If your wife is nursing, know this: The little monster is going to wreck her nipples. It is going to be painful for her. Don't listen to all the hype. She will be miserable the first few weeks. Get used to hearing a lot of complaints.

4. Bath time (finally!) -- Newborns don't need a bath every day. Even now, we bathe her 2-3 times a weeks. Until the umbilical stump falls off and the belly button forms (2-3 weeks), the baby cannot be immersed in water. We have a little bath seat that we place in the bathtub and fill the tub with warm water. The water should NOT be hot. Because winter is coming on, make sure the room where you give the bath is nice and warm. Use a small sponge to rinse off her body. At first, you don't need soap. I do the arms and legs first, making sure to get between the fingers and toes. Then I do the chest working from the center to the edge. Then I flip her over in my hand and wash her back. Then I set her back down and wash the genital area. DO NOT get the umbilical cord area wet. This is most important. Then I towel her off, put a new diaper and some clothes on her and wrap her in a blanket. Finally, I wash the face and hair, the dry her and put a little hat on her to keep her warm. Total time 10 or so minutes.

There's so much more to do, but I'll let everyone else fill it in.

 

Felicitations!

As you may be aware, some women go thru post-partum depression. Watch for signs. And don't be afraid to be assertive. It's easy for me to say that, but PPD is difficult for a woman to accept, so even if she is significantly depressed, she may want to deny it and become angry if it's brought up. She thinks that she's supposed to be joyful, so anything contradictory is a big challenge.

You may experience some jealousy because the baby is going to get far more attention than you do, and even if your wife is the poster child for solid mental health, she may not be so able to nurture you the way you are accustomed. She's gone thru a 9 month rollercoaster ride, which actually extends out, in many cases, to another 6 to 12 months before she begins to feel like she's her normal self. Like losing most of the weight she gained and not being exhausted all the time, etc.

Be very patient.

 

Or say "Moo"

Or hold up a cup of coffee and ask for a quick squirt.

 

my best advice is that if your wife is nursing, make sure to get up and help too. by this I mean, I always got up first, changed his diaper and carried him out to her (she preferred the couch to the bed mainly because the little guy wasn't very good at it and it was easier out there). I'd get her something to drink as nursing tends to dehydrate. stuff like that. get a blanket, get her all set up.
so much will be on her shoulders, any little thing helps. and since I went back to bed (at her instance) maybe it was kind of a symbolic gesture, but I know she appreciated that she wasn't the only one getting up.

 

also, feel free to tell people that 'no, we don't want you to come over.' of course, say it nicer than that. but you'll both be exhausted and trying to figure things out. the house will likely be a disaster.
but everybody will want to come over and see the baby. we made people wait a couple of weeks. everybody was completely understanding and it made it much easier on us.

 

oh, and it's impossible for you to smother the kid with too much love. go crazy.





oh, and count the toes and fingers right away. make sure they're all there.

 

You are more of a father than you know, and you may just surprise yourself.
The adjustment to caring for a little human being can be both exhilerating and terrifying all wrapped together but know that your natural instincts will take over and you'll "get the hang" of things. It really is a big adjustment. When you think "man this is so hard" it gets easier, and better.
All those books you read will make wonderful kindling if you have a fireplace. Pay attention to the medical books, and throw out the overly opinionated "this is what your kids should be doing" books. They really are worthless unless you like being stressed by others opinions. Every single child is conpletely different then the next. That's what makes us all unique. DON"T try to "keep up with the Johnsons" so to speak. During pregnancy I found it is better to NOT constantly read the development books either. Even our OBGYN doctors said this. It's a really scary time for you and your wife. And alot of medical books will give you the worst case scenario because well, people do need to know these thigns, but when your wife is having your child grow inside of her she doesn't need to constantly read about all the things that could go wrong. Just learn what you both need to do to stay healthy and keep the baby healthy and that is where your reading should stop. The birth classes are somewhat worthless but are a great way to see where you are going to be for anywhere from 1-6 days, and if it calms your nerves go for it. I did, loved the films too

There is a saying that a Happy Mommy is a Happy Household. This is super truth. The baby needs your full attention in the first few days/weeks. But so does your wife. Be there for her. Let her know she is doing a good job, remember she's just as worried as you may be if not more so. Learn to breathe through your mouth, once the baby starts eating solids that poop starts to smell like...well real good ol' human feces. Research a very good Pediatrician NOW, do not only take the advice of others. Choose one YOU BOTH like.

 

Or take photos of her pumping and say "Oh come on, give us a smile."

 

well, that one's easy. you should never own a cat in the first place. trade it for a dog.

 

Agreed. Anyone want my cat?

Our cat isn't declawed and is very mildly tempermental so he does well with her. Just do NOT let your wife clean up the cat poop. While she is pregnant it is a good thign to simply stay away from the cat box. Well feces of any sort really. This actually is a good rule for life now that I think of it.

What we did with our dogs, seeing as they were truly the "first babies" in the hosue was to take the blankets that are in the crib or bassinet rather at the hospital home first and put it in the dogs beds. They will then get accustomed to the babies smells before the baby ever gets home. This of course doesn't work in reverse. Don't bring your dogs bed into the bassinet at the hospital. Nurses generally frown upon that.

 

Lots of great advice already, but let me add a bit:

1) Sleep now. As much as you can. It won't really help later when you are walking the floors at 3am (again), but maybe you'll have some fond memories of when you used to get more than 2 hours of continuous sleep!

2) If your wife is breastfeeding, know that all does not always go as planned. Your child may have difficulties developing a good "latch", and - even if all goes well - your wife may feel like she should be doing better. So, part of your job is to provide unlimted support, comfort, and assurance - which does not include touching the nipples. SIR, PLEASE WALK AWAY FROM THE NIPPLES!!!!

3) Enjoy it. Despite the crying, feedings, and diaper changings in the middle of the night and other inconveniences, a child - as they say - is this age only once. Take all the joy you can from it - there's plent to go around!

 

print that first paragraph out and tape it to the baby. let them sleep. when they're hungry, they're not shy about saying so.

we had the same success with our little guy being a good sleeper. i'm not saying this was the reason why.

another thing we've found to be successful was to keep going about a normal life when he's asleep. of course, you should sleep when they sleep. but what I mean is that our friends cut off all sound when he's asleep and live their life on pins and needles. now that the kid is two, he's still a very light, tempermental sleeper. while we didn't go out of way to make noise, he was exposed to the normal sounds of our life (doing dishes, making phone calls, etc.). to this day he's a great sleeper. he sleeps through anything. again, not saying that's why ... but it worked for us. it allows us to get stuff done when he's asleep whereas our friends are afraid to walk too much (or use the bathroom) for fear of waking the kid.

 

Probably the most painful thing in my life was nursing my twins. One of them loved to bite down and then flip his head to the side... Umm yeah... I pretty much sat there crying for 15 minutes straight most of the time near the end.

So: if you can afford it, get a good electrical double breast pump if your wife wants it. It will give her FREEDOM, which is vital to her happiness. She can pump before going out with friends for a movie, pump when she gets home from something, etc. I personally hated nursing in public and never did it. Being flexible with bottles vs. breast and breast milk vs. formula is the only thing that kept me close to sane last year. Don't let La Leche League scare the socks off you. Breastfeeding is great and healthy--but a little formula will not harm your child. Seriously. I promise.

 

Women (like myself) don't want to feel "weak" by admitting to this problem. It just seems like a sign of weakness to admit that this might be happening. "I can just snap out of it" is a way of thinking you can control it by being strong, but it's a medical condition that needs to be treated. I never got medication for PPD last year but I needed it and should have. If my husband had said, "I"m going to take Friday off work so you can go to the doctor's office" I would have done it. But it seemed too overwhelming with three kids. So you can help her if she has this problem by making it easy for her to get help, accept things and by proving you love her despite it.

Women who are depressed often become self-centered, isolated, cranky, moody and perhaps even angry. In other words, not very lovable. If you recognize that these "symptoms" will go away with time and with the help she needs, it'll be easier to love her despite the fact that you want to walk out and never see her face again.

 

There's a great "Baby Blues" comic strip like that. Ha ha...

Here's a great piece of advice: Buy the earliest "Baby Blues" comic books for your wife to read in the next few months. It will help her realize that "Yeah, this crap happens to everyone else... It's not just me!"

 

You have no idea how much this helps. Just thinking about my husband's willingness to help out with this kind of thing makes me love him more.

(p.s. I personally have a hard time sleeping if I get up and walk around at night, to go to the bathroom, turn off a light, get the baby, etc. I'll lie awake for hours if I have to get up. My husband knows this so he would let me just sit in bed to nurse the baby and he'd get up to walk back and forth. That simple gesture saved me hours and hours of sleep.)

 

After our first was born, we put a sign up on the front door that said:

"Our son has just come out of the Newborn Intensive Care Unit. If you have any symptoms of illness such as coughing, runny nose, etc. we will be excited to see you as soon as you're well again. Until then, we don't want him to go back to the NICU. Thanks for understanding."

Or something like that. I'm sure it disappionted a few excited neighbors, but it was vital for him and I don't regret it. Just one idea.