Wedding Bell Blues, Hope Solo Edition

Posted on November 15, 2012 12:59 pm

A couple of years ago I wrote that in the middle of some not-terribly-distant late night snack binge you were going to flick on the tube for a couple minutes of mindless zone-out entertainment, find yourself watching an episode of Cops, and realize with horror that the woman standing there outside a shabby doublewide with a baby on her hip and a Marlboro light in her hand screaming at the police as they shoved her Old Man into the back of a squad car was America’s Darling, Hope Solo.

And to all of you who promptly dashed off morally outraged suggestions that I perform anatomically impossible acts of an intimate nature upon myself, I’d just like to say:

“Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do?”

We still don’t know all of the facts, and it’s entirely possible that we never will, but the basic outline, in case you missed it, is as follows:

Unbeknownst to, apparently, almost everyone, Our Miss Solo was engaged to be married to an erstwhile NFL player named Jerramy Stevens, whose checkered past includes more than ten separate arrests for stuff like assault with a deadly weapon, felony battery, a particularly sordid and brutal rape involving an unconscious girl he was accused of having drugged, several assorted DUI and/or drug possession charges and the “reckless driving” citation he once received for crashing his car into a nursing home.

But as we all know, love is blind. Also, apparently, really really stupid.

If you were hoping to send a gift – despite not being invited to the wedding, which makes you a little pathetic but who am I to judge? – they’re registered at Wal-Mart, Fat Larry’s Drive Through Beer Barn and ABC 24 Hour Bail Bonds.

Anyhoo, apparently as a prelude to the Joyous Nuptuals, which were scheduled for Tuesday, the two hosted a massive drunken brawl which culminated in the obligatory 3:45 AM visit by the Kirkland, Washington police, who found that pretty much everyone a) was drunk out of their minds and b) had blood on their clothes if not actual injuries from, as they say in the hood, getting down to business with their fellow party guests.

Mr. Stevens was found lying on the floor between a bed and a wall, a posture which the police, understandably, described as “hiding”, but Stevens claimed he was merely taking a nap.

Stevens was found to have blood on his clothes and also his face, which he told police was from Miss Solo “kissing” him, possibly with a straight right or a lamp. OK, so I’m making that last part up. Kind of.

Turns out that Solo’s brother, Marcus, had called 911 about “two or three” unidentified men who, everyone agreed, had started trouble. Mr. Solo told the Cops that said gentlemen were no longer there because he had used “a stun gun” on one of them and so they left.

Go figure.

Police reported that they had a good deal of trouble getting a statement from Mr. Solo because, as they were trying to talk to him, Hope kept screaming “Don’t tell them anything, Marcus!!! Don’t tell them anything!”

Like, for example, how Hope kicked the crap out of her fiance? No, that couldn’t be.

Upon questioning, Mr Stevens told the cops that he and Ms. Solo had gotten into an argument about whether they were going to live in Washington or Florida, something which many young couples actually work out at times other than during a 3 AM drunken brawl the day before their wedding.

In any case, since Hope had what was described as “a cut” on her elbow, and Mr. Stevens had blood on his shirt, admitted to arguing with her and has a rap sheet as long as your arm, police dragged his ass downtown to spend the rest of the night telling his fellows in the drunk tank about how he’s a “Karate Man” who bruises “on the inside”.

At a hearing Yesterday morning, attended by a suddenly reticent Miss Solo – oddly, since she’s normally so happy to talk to reporters – the judge released Stevens without charges pending a police investigation which is unlikely to turn up much of anything. Unless they can find the stun gun guy.

A few hours later, Solo and Stevens were married in a “small” ceremony “near Snohomish Washington” which was described by a lucky invitee as “beautiful”.

Speaking for everyone here at BigSoccer World Headquarters, we wish the blushing bride and her bruised-but-game new husband, all the best.

Mazel tov, you crazy kids.

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