FC Cincinnati forward Djiby Fall was suspended for six games after being sent off last Saturday evening for biting Louisville City midfielder Niall McCabe.

If you think this is simply an opportunity to make Luis Suarez references and hacky jokes about Irish cuisine - oh, it is. But it was also Rashomon in real time, thanks to FC Cincinnati's loud, strident, and amazingly ill-advised loyalty. This is so much of a godsend to yapfest bloggers that I wonder what good I did in a previous life.

About a picosecond after Fall placed his mouth against McCabe's cheek, in full view of literally every man, woman and child in the entire world, referee Mark Kadlecik issued a red card. Because duh. Monosyllabic sub-literate grunting is necessary to convey how obvious this was.

But FCC by God was not hearing it. “FC Cincy, Lou City at odds over alleged Djiby bite,” read one Cincinnati Enquirer headline. FCC chieftain Jeff Berding stood up for Fall in a way that would make Al Cowlings nod with approval. “We have seen no evidence to substantiate the allegations made by Louisville City Head Coach James O'Connor and it is our belief his post-match comments are not true.”

I’m not here to say that Cincinnati media got in the tank like Michael Dukakis, because that would be unfair. Berding’s statement was so strong, even the Louisville Courier-Journal, in Danielle Lerner’s article that published the picture above, had to use “alleged biting incident” in the headline.

I’m PRETTY SURE at this point Lerner and the Courier-Journal won’t be sued for defamation, but why take the chance? Even now, some outlets are still in caves in the South Pacific, unaware that Hirohito ordered the Empire to surrender. “Could biting accusation be part of opponents’ efforts to rattle Cincinnati striker Djiby Fall?” asked Cincinnati station WCPO.

WCPO’s slogan is “9 On Your Side.” And boy, are they ever on Cincy’s side here. That was posted after USL dropped the six game hammer. FC Cincinnati and admirers had gone into crocodile mode so deeply, in fact, that the USL had to update its initial disciplinary report to make it more embarrassing.

[UPDATE] – The USL has provided further clarification to its disciplinary report for Week 5. Djiby Fall’s five-game suspension and undisclosed fine for Major Game Misconduct is for biting an opponent during the match on April 22, 2017.​

Berding’s statement after this was, in my opinion, a minor masterpiece:

Dear Fans,

Much has transpired over the last few days and we want to share with you the team’s thoughts and plans on moving forward.

This disciplinary matter involving Djiby Fall has been a difficult situation for all involved. Djiby is devastated about the situation and has apologized to me, his teammates and coaches and the organization as a whole and I share that apology with you, our fans. When we learned of the allegations from social media, we immediately contacted the USL and supported their investigation. We appreciate the good work of the referee with his post-match report and believed there was no evidence to substantiate the allegations. Once we learned the USL had come to a new conclusion, FC Cincinnati went through the appropriate appeals process. While the outcome was not what we expected, we accept the USL’s final decision and are moving forward without Djiby for the next six matches. The USL is a tremendous League and we respect that we were given a voice to defend our player. Djiby is a veteran player who, over 14 seasons, many in tough environments, has received only one red card before last Saturday night. We fully support Djiby and will welcome him when he returns and I hope you will do the same.

The team is hard at work at making the necessary adjustments to be successful at Bethlehem this Saturday. We have a deep team, who are highly motivated and well coached. We have a lot of guys who can step up and we look to Andrew Wiedeman, Daryl Fordyce, Victor Mansaray and Andy Craven to fill the void. As Gandhi once said, adversity is the mother of progress. I have faith in our players and coaches and believe that we will come out of this stronger. Thank you for your support of FC Cincinnati.

Sincerely,

Jeff Berding​

There is no truth to the rumor Berding was being held out of a window like John Cleese in "A Fish Called Wanda" while he was making this statement. About the time you're name-checking Mohandas Gandhi is when you realize you need turbo boosters for your backpedaling.

There are many soccer rivalries in the world, after all, and it’s easy to ignore a lower division American rivalry of less than twelve months. FCC, after all, is trying its best to ditch Louisville, the USL, and its harsh and hurtful accusations, so we may not even have this one for very long. So we should appreciate the Brown River Derby while we can. I don’t know how they’re going to top this one, though.

______________________________

I may have mentioned in passing that I am a lifelong Galaxy fan, at least as we define “lifelong” as the life of the Galaxy franchise. I occasionally wonder whether being a Galaxy fan made me a terrible person, or whether I became a Galaxy fan because I was a terrible person. It’s one for the philosophers, that’s for sure.

You may or may not also have noticed that the Galaxy’s season so far has been – has anyone tried to bring the word “suboptimal” into mainstream soccer conversation? No? Okay, good, I’ll use it. This has provided many loud and joyful horse laughs among fans who (a) are aware of the Galaxy yet (b) have remained immune to their charms.

Shame on you, says Kurt Larson at Major League Soccer Soccer. Or, more precisely, says the headline. Yes, now it can be told – I think Larson was framed. These were the paragraphs closest in tone to the offending headline:

For now Galaxy supporters are left questioning their club’s direction following a legendary manager’s departure and an uncanny start to this season. The rest of us – the neutral, the pundit, the long-time MLS observer – are left perplexed by the idea of a storied organization's uncertain future when many of us are eyeing a Galaxy-LAFC rivalry that feels something closer to the Boca-River rivalry in Argentina.

A burgeoning, inter-city derby involving soccer-specific venues would take Major League Soccer to new heights in La-La Land – just as the NY Derby and Cascadia Cup have galvanized and converted soccer fans on both coasts for multiple seasons.

They’re matches most fans circle on the fixture list every year.

They’re matches that will be much more intriguing if both sides in LA are competitive next season.

That is – has anyone tried using “streets away” when talking about soccer? I think it could be a vivid metaphor in the right hands – quite a stroll from “MLS fans and all of MLS” cheering for the Galaxy.

And, in fairness, the headline doesn’t even order us to cheer for the Galaxy, just for their “revival.” Maybe a distinction without a difference, but a popular team that sells out while winning two or three games a year would answer this description.

But assuming “revival” means something closer to “not looking up the table at bleedin’ Minnesota bleedin’ United”, then no. To paraphrase Dave Marsh’s line about “Never Mind the Bollocks, Here’s the Sex Pistols” – MLS fans are either supporting the Galaxy, or have made an equally considered decision not to. Even if all MLS fans joined hands in prayer, it wouldn’t help if the Galaxy keep hydrating themselves with water from Rio Suck. And if the well-wishes of MLS fans had that much effect…well, the Galaxy probably wouldn’t have won anything in the first place.

It might be a problem that LAFC and the Galaxy will compete for the same fans. It might even be a very big problem. But, MLS fan, it is not your problem. People are being paid to look after both teams. Maybe the town is big enough for both of them, maybe not.

But those who hate the Galaxy are having the most fun they’ve had in ten years. It would be churlish to try to guilt-trip them out of that enjoyment, they’ve earned it.

Also, Larson is merely theorizing about the potential LA-LA rivalry’s place on a sliding scale, at the extreme end of which is Boca-River. That’s not the same as “comparing” the two. Except in the sense that one compares something very big with something very small. I guess that’s exactly the same as comparing. But Larson isn’t saying the two will be close any time soon.

Larson is saying the Copa della Harbor Freeway should be as fun and interesting as Portland-Seattle or New York-New York, and this is where he is offbase. Yes, fans from both coasts have significant cheering interests in those games. But they’re usually cheering for a meteorite strike. I have every confidence the LAFC-Galaxy games will be greeted the same way.