[Motterman]

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty Scousers showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Liverpool at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later,
Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, "They're gone."

"What? All of the Scousers are gone?" asked God. "No" replied Saint Peter
"The Pearly Gates!"

[benine]

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet"

[benine]

A man hands over a 50 pound note to the turnstyle operator at Maine Road.
Man: Two please.
Turnstyle Operator: Will that be defenders or strikers, sir?

[Motterman]

The year is 2020, and little Tommy scouser is sitting around the DVTV
multiplyer unit as his dad Tommy scouser is reminiscing about the
great Liverpool sides of the past.

"Tell me about the treble winning year dad" says Tommy jnr.

"Agh the treble winners, now that was a team, Westerveld, Henchoz,
Heskey, all wonderfully skilled players..a great side" replied his
dad.

"They swept all before them didn't they father?" queried the wide-eyed
boy.

"They did, Worthington cup, FA Cup, and UEFA cup. My God son they were
awesome." Stated pops.

'So the Worthington cup dad, who'd they beat," asked the youngster,
"Was it Man United dad, or Everton?"

"Well no, none of those son we stuffed Birmingham City, oh how we made
those blue noses suffer!" added Scouser Tommy.

"What was the score dad? Was it 6-0? I bet it was, wasn't it dad?
I bet Michael Owen scored 6! Did he dad?" young Tommy quizzed
excitedly.


"Er no son, no it wasn't, actually Birmingham were a great side in
them days, and we fought hard to take them to penalties, and
eventually we stuffed them in sudden death!" squirmed the senior
scouser.

"Anyhow son, the FA Cup was the one they all wanted, and we were up
against Arsenal" added Tommy senior as he tried to sweep his son along
on a tide of euphoria.

'Oh Arsenal dad, they won the league and European cup that year didn't
they dad, oh I remember those players from history, Grimandi and Lee
Dixon, they were famous all around Islington weren't they dad?" added
junior.

"True, true, oh it was a great game son, we nearly scored once in the
first half you know. Oh I remember it well, oh how we cheered as after
23 minutes we raided into Arsenal's half and Heskey had a header, that
would've been less spectacular if the keeper wasn't 47 years old"
Stated the proud dad.

"How many shots did we actually have that day, father?" queried Tommy
junior.

"Well er, um, about 3."

"And how many did Arsenal have dad? Asked Tommy.

"Well about 9, but the weren't real chances" added Tommy senior.
"Doesn't sound like much of a victory to me dad, just 2-1, sounds a
bit lucky" sounded the young Liverpudlian.

"Well maybe, but son the UEFA final was the big one, and we stuffed
them, we scored five times" quickly added Tommy senior.

"Five times wow, gee dad we must have given them a real hiding, who
was it dad? Was it AC Milan or Real Madrid? Or was it Monaco dad? Who
dad?"

"Well son it was the Spanish giants, Alaves" stated the elder scouser.

'Who?" asked wee Tommy.

"ALAVES son, oh they were a big team in the Basque country back then.

They had some massive names.

"Who had they dad was it Rivaldo, he played in Spain then, or Raul who
was it dad?"

"No it wasn't Raul or Rivaldo. Cruyff played for them and the
Norwegian international Eggen."

"Johan Cruyff dad?"

"No son, not Johan, Jordi he was almost as good as his dad. He once
scored a hat-trick for Man United against Everton you know!"

" Did he dad? What was that in?

"Well the avons insurance combination league son!"

"Oh so what was the final score dad 5-0?

" No er, um agghh.it was 5-4 son"

"5-4! They scored 4 times! Oh I get it dad, I remember once reading
that 2 men were sent off in that final. So I take it Liverpool had 2
men sent off after 5 minutes, and had sorta evened out the contest"

'No son actually they had only 9 men son.."

"Dad"

"WHAT"

"Who scored our winner that day?"

" Er, um oh it was a fella called Geli."

'Sorry dad I've a Liverpool A-Z here, and there is Gallagher, Gamble,
Gerrard, but no Geli?"

"Well son it was a OG"

"We beat Alaves with an OG, dad we seem to be a very lucky side, how
many more shots on goal did we have on them?"

"Well, ag, er actually they had 9 and we had 8."

"Dad?"

WHAT?"

"Can I go outside and nick some space pods from the heliovertors?"

"Yeah go on son".

---------------
Accept no imitations. There is only one treble.

The Premier League, The FA Cup and The European Champions Cup!

[rudeboy]

Great jokes, absolutly wonderful

[mactheknife]

oh my god...it hurts! make the laughing stop!

[El Toro]

Q... What would you get if United were relegated?
A... 50,000 more Arsenal fans


........all in good fun

[Motterman]

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking' for a job."

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black mercedes,uniform provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year."

The scouser said "Nah, you're bull-shittin' me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you phookin started it!".

[655321]

Originally posted by Motterman
Season almost here, and you know what that means....

Apparently, it means it's time to roll out the same old jokes...

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Actually, if you think it about it, the funniest thing of all is that you guys have let Liverpool defeat you FIVE times in a row. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

[mactheknife]

no, the funniest thing is going to be seeing you guys crash out of europet this year...i cant wait.