A soccer player dies and accidently is sent to hell. When he arrives he is greeted by the devil. Devil: What did you do in your former life? Player: I was a soccer player Devil: Good. Your all set. You have a game on Monday, 2 games on Tuesday, a game on Wednesday, 2 games on Thursday, a game on Friday and 2 games on Saturday and Sunday. Player:This is great I never had this on Earth. After a few days the devil comes to the soccer player Devil: Hey buddy we made a mistake. You were supposed to go to heaven. So the player is sent to Heavan and meets St. Peter at the Gate St. Peter: So what did you do in your former life? Player: I was a soccer player. St. Peter: Oh, Well your first game will be in about 6 months. Player: 6 months? When I was in hell I had a game every day sometimes two games a day. What's the problem, Not enough soccer players? St. Peter: Oh we have plently of players. The problem is Hell has all the referees.
what is the best business in soccer? Is contract an Argentine player for what he play, and sell it for what he think he play.
Since Sunday evening the whole World has been debating what Italian defender Marco Materazzi said to Zinedine Zidane to make the retiring Frenchman react in the way he did. The French captain, in his last ever professional game, thrust his head into Materazzi's chest in Sunday's World Cup Final resulting in a red card and shame for Zidane. Today, with the help of Italian lip-reader Arturo Belladini, we can reveal what drove Zidane to self destruct; Materazzi was seen to hold Zidane's shirt on the edge of the penalty box in extra-time at which point Zidane said "if you want my shirt so bad you can have it" Materazzi responded "I dont want your shirt you m***** f*****. you're a f****** old man" As they jog away Zidane is seen to laugh at this and it is unclear how he responded due to him having his back to the TV camera Materazzi then hit a volley of abuse "you should've quit 2 years ago, you're a f****** has-been" "m***** f*****! your mum is a f****** muslim terrorist and you are to, f*** you old man f*** you" "old man, this arena is not for you anymore m***** f*****" Zidane carries on jogging away "you are only good enough for Galaxy now" It's at this very point Zidane turned and head-butted him.
A German family has gone into down for the day and they are at the local sporting goods store. The little boy is wandering around and he sees a rack of soccer jerseys, he goes up to it and immediately falls in love with the England kit. He grabs it and he runs over to his sister and says, "Sister! Sister! I've decided that I want to become an England supporter and I would like this jersey for my birthday!" The sister smacks him round the head and says "Go talk to mother." So the boy goes off and finds his mother and says "Mom, mom, mom, I've decided I'm going to be an England supporter and I would like this jersey for my birthday." The mother smacks him twice and says "Go talk to your father." The boy is getting frustrated but he goes off and finds his father. "Hey dad!" the boy says, "I've decided I want to be an England fan, can I have this jersey for my birthday?" The father gets angry and smacks the boy four times round the head. "No son of mine will wear that trash!" he says. "I'll talk to you about this later." So later on the family is in the car going home and the father says to his son "Well, boy, I hope you learned an important lesson today." "Yes, father, I did" says the boy. "Good, and what was that?" "I've only been an England supporter for about an hour and already I hate you kraut bastards."
Diego Maradona dies and goes to Heaven. St. Pete's at the gate waiting for Diego and says.."Come in my son, we've been waiting for you." St. Pete gives Diego the tour of Heaven and on the way they pass this HUGE mansion with red, black and white streamers. Big River Plate emblems on the columns, Rolls Royces and Ferrari's in the driveway. Enormous fountains and peacocks strolling the manicured front lawn. They reach the end of the street and turn left where there's a nice little two bedroom house with a white picket fence and a Volvo in the driveway. It has a nice blue and yellow mailbox with a Boca Juniors emblem on it. St. Pete says..."well, here you go my son, you're home" Diego, a little non-plussed says.."wait a minute Pete, what's up with this? This little house is nice and all, but who the heck lives in that mansion? St. Pete says..."Ah, my son. That is God's house"
You have to imagine the accents. An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman go hunting in the woods. While on the hunt they spy a deer and kill it. That night, they're sitting around the campfire and dividing up the kill for their dinner that night. The Englishman says, "Well, seeing as I support Liverpool, I should get the liver!" The Scotsman and Irishman agree, knowing full well that English have peculiar taste buds. The Scotsman rises up and says, "Well since I support Hearts, I should get the heart!" The Englishman and Irishman agree, and the Scotsman begins eating his strange dinner. After a while, the Englishman and Scotsman look up and the Irishman isn't eating. Isn't moving, just watching the campfire. The Englishman calls out and says "So what are you gonna be eatin'?" The Irishman turns around and says in the sweetest Irish brogue, "Well, I support Arsenal, but I'm not THAT fookin' hungry."
Inside the England locker room, the word goes around that Wayne Rooney is going to get a cortisone injection. Beckham hears this and goes up the coach, angry as hell. He shouts "Coach, if that fat sod is going to get a new car, I want one too!!"
David Beckham is celebrating; "43 days, 43 days!" he shouts happilly. Posh asks him why hes celebrating. He answers "Well Honey, I've done this jigsaw in only 43 days." "And that's good?" asks Posh. "You bet Hon" says David."It says 3 to 6 years on the box."
It's amusing, but not a joke I would be telling anybody.. For a joke that long, the punchline is pretty lame.
two friends are coaching different pro teams in the same city and meet every week for lunch, one has a team that is top of the league and wins most every week and the other is in a constant relegation battle..... "Joe how do you do it....?your lot win every fcuking week" "well Fred, you being me mate an' all, I'll tell you a secret. Every wednesday we put 10 trash cans on the pitch in a 4-4-2 formation and we play against them to get our passing right" "Good idea Joe. I'll try it" ...........next weeks lunch........ "Well Fred did you try out the tip I gave you..? "Yes, Joe I did" "How did it go" ....."Not so fcukin' good....we lost 3-1"
On a related note and also true....... Years ago when I was coaching professionally we had an Argentinian player who, after a game, mistook an air horn (used to signal when the 5 secs were up in the 35 yd shootouts that followed tied in regulation games) for a can of shaving cream......with predictable results.....they never did find his left ear drum...
Breaking news; Singer Sophie Ellis-Bextor's been found headbutted to death in the Madrid apartment of a former French international soccer star. Police are saying it was murder on Zidane's floor.
Enjoy Shamus and Shaun were talking about their love of football one day. Shaun: "Do you think there wii be football matches in heaven?" Shamus: "Yes, I believe so, but I can't be sure." Shaun: "I REALLY would like to know before I die. Shamus: "Tell you what; Let's make a pact whichever of us dies first will visit the other in a dream and tell them about Heaven's football program." Shaun: "Let's seal the pact with a drink." Which they did. Several years later Shaun died of a heart attack The night after the wake Shamus was awakened by the spectral voice of Shaun. Shaun: "Shamus. I've come to you to tell you about football in Heaven." Shamus: "OK, I can't wait to hear." Shaun: "Well there is good news and bad news." Shamus: "What's the good news?" Shaun: "There IS football in Heaven." Shamus: "And the bad news?" Shaus: "Well, you'll be playing left wing next Thursday."
And one for the parents of the very young player. A little girl was playing in her first soccer season and she was playing well and the best player on her team. Each week she scored goals and even learned to help her teammates score. After a few weeks her father noticed that she seemed to be less happy after each victory. After the sixth game when they got to the car she just started crying and crying. Honey what's wrong? I want to be on the other team. Why? I just do. Don't you like your teammates? Their fine? What about your coach? No he's great. Well then, what is it? It's the uniforms. Don't you like your uniform? No, I like it just fine but the other team gets a new uniform each week.